I could be the one May 26, 2005
Posted by charmingbutsingle in Uncategorized.trackback
I’m going to make this short. I know there’s stuff from the past weekend that I had wanted to blog about, but I can’t think about that now.
I am caught in a strange place right now. I’ve been denying it for weeks, but tonight I finally put words to it.
I am still in love with B.
And not in that, “I’ll always love you a little bit” way.
No, I am legitimately having feelings for him. The stomach flip is back. That used to be such a good thing, but it is the last thing in the world I want to feel right now. (From him, at least.)
Every little thing he does has taken on some meaning to me. I ended up crashing on his couch during the party after going out one night because I needed a ride back to my car (long story), and when I woke up to catch a ride, he argued that I should stay there.
To me, this meant he wanted me.
In reality, this means he thought I was too sleepy to drive.
We had to go to a celebratory lunch for a close friend of ours and he made me promise to call him and remind him to get up (he works nights) so he wasn’t late.
To me, this meant he needed me.
In reality, this means he was afraid he’d oversleep.
There are countless examples of this. And it’s been slowly building in me and for some reason it’s out now.
There’s is part of me that thinks I should just say, “I am seriously in love with you and I have been for forever and I am sorry to put a damper on our friendship, but I’d rather never see you again than continue with this nonsense game of not caring I’ve been playing.”
But the fear of rejection is paralyzing. The thought of putting a voice to these thoughts makes me want to vomit. I don’t know that my fragile little heart can handle being smashed into one thousand pieces again. (I’m going to bet that it’s not.)
I left the bar early tonight because I didn’t want to see him. Because if I saw him I’d want to kiss him and he doesn’t want me and it’s quite a situation.
I have never hated someone that I cared about so much. His mere presence in this world is proof that life is (and never had been) fair. I’ve spent months wondering why I couldn’t connect with anyone, and it seems that it’s because I’m still tuned in to an old channel.
I have this knot in my throat and I can’t breathe and it’s not going anywhere and I’m afraid I’m going to choke on it. And I don’t know what’s worse — choking on the feelings, but keeping them down, or spitting them out and hoping for the best.
I am not so stupid that I think this will work out. This may be a passing phase. I may grow out of it.
I’m keeping my mouth shut until I do.
Oh dear….this is a difficult one. I read about the origins of this B situation and I could be wrong but whilst you do obviously have genuine feelings for him, it seems like his aloofness accounts for some of your feelings. He is difficult to figure out and he is to an extent playing with your emotions. He acts like a dog in a manger - he acts like he doesn’t want you, but he doesn’t want you to want anyone else either. Whilst you’re friends, the friendships is an aside to the fact that you wanted more from him so it’s no surprise that you are struggling to be friends with him. {hug} I feel like coming over there and shaking some sense into him!
What you need to ask yourself is this: Do you want to be with someone that doesn’t recognise and acknowledge your feelings for him and needs to be practically beaten over the head for him to be with you in a romantic way?
Hold off on saying something for a little bit and see if the feelings pass. I could be wrong but that’s my 2 cents worth
Oh dear. I def know what this feels like…’royal suckfest’ comes to mind. As someone who takes a ‘just rip the bandaid off’ philosophy, I’d say tell him how you feel…you’re already avoiding him and eventually he’ll ask what is up. Also, if the worst case scenario is that the friendship takes a blow, well…isn’t that better than never knowing? Just my 2 cents.
I don’t know your whole situation with “B”. Hell, I don’t even know you. But I was in love (at least, what I thought was love), with a very good friend of mine for almost five years.
It was painful.
And finally I realized that the only way to solve this was to tell him we couldn’t be friends anymore (after many years of him already knowing I had feelings for him).
It was the best thing I ever did for myself.
Maybe that philosophy doesn’t work with everyone. But I think if I still had attachments to him, I would have never been able to be in any sort of relationship.
And the truth is, if I was still in contact with him today, I know I’d be f’d up.
Just my two cents.
P.S. I like your blog.
ahh it doesnt sound like this B is good for you! just based on what i’ve read so far. but yeah, maybe it is a passing thing.
Oh… that’s so hard. I still have feelings like that for a guy I used to sleep with and I’m with someone else now. Sometimes you just can’t shake them… I know that I am better off without him though…
I hope you get this figured out - it’s really tough. I wish I could offer advice but I can’t even help myself with this one.
Oh man, sorry to hear that. Being in love with a friend has always been my idea of the seventh level of hell. I hate it. And trying to figure out if their mixed signals are signals at all or just all in your head, that’s the worst. If not already playing on repeat, may I recommend the Ani DiFranco song “Untouchable Face”? It really is the go-to theme song for these things.
I’m really sorry about all of this. I agree that mixed feelings really suck. I don’t know if the stop seeing him or tell him approach is best here. I hope you will figure it out, though. Sorry I don’t have anything better or more inspiring to say. I’m so sorry!
it’s at least a little interesting that he’s acting toward you the way a great, great, great many women act toward a great, great, great many guys.
Charmy, sorry to say this, but I’ve read all your achive posts and from what I’ve read, to quote a book, He’s just not that into you. Don’t waste you time with this guy. Believe me, there are tons of nice guys out there who will worship the ground you walk on. Get over him. Run, don’t walk, away. He doesn’t seem that interested in you. The aloofness alone. Can’t you see it? The minute you leave this guy alone and stop worrying about him, thinking about him, doing favors for him…he’ll want you. It’s the way of the universe, I guess. You deserve better than that. He doesn’t sound too much like a catch anyway.
“I’m still tuned in to an old channel.”
or
“I’m still tuned in to the wrong channel.”
My vote (gee, are we voting here? :-)) — talk to him. I doubt you are telling him anything he doesn’t know, and he obviously DOES care about you so he will probably try to be sensitive about it.
Understand, telling him isn’t going to change his feelings for you (like I said, he already knows) but it would, I think, help you start to work through this.
Okay, who gets the soapbox next?
I’m next!
Two choices: talk to him or cut him off.
These are really the same choice. If you tell him how you feel he is unlikely to reciprocate and you will have to say goodbye because sticking around as “just friends” will be too painful.
You will be happier when he is out of your life. He is holding you back–keeping you from fully engaging with other men. Really.
Someday, eventually, in the distant future, you may be able to be friends with him, but not now.
This advice is based on what you wrote–nothing more–so re-read what you wrote and listen to yourself.
I just had a similar situation. I was dating a fabulous woman but probelms developed and we ended the relationship to save the friendship. Since then, she has been extremely distant and so “friend” has actually become “extremely causal acquaintance”. That hurt me more than I could have imagined, but that’s the reality of it and moving on is the only thing that makes sense. To do anything else (jump back into the relationship or maintain a close friendship) would likely fail and therefore be more torture for me. It would also spawn tremendous resentment toward her and I will not allow myself to go there.
To make a short story long, it’s really in everyone’s best interest for you to let him go. If that means avoiding him, then do it. If he’s such a great guy, he will be sensitive to your needs and feelings and let you go as well. If he’s not happy with letting you go, then he needs to step up and pursue the relationship seriously. And if he prefers to leave things the way that they are (keeping you close but not too close) then he’s just jerking you around and you definitely need to move on.
Not the typical response that you’d expect from a guy, but I’m happy with it….
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i so know how you feel, god, i know how it aches. i think you need to understand that you will not (at least for a long while) have a friendship with b. you do not have a real friendship now. you keep secrets from him, you second guess his motives and actions and your intentions are romantic-that is not a friendship. you need to stop wondering if he will choose you, but instead you need to sit up and choose yourself. you are in a painful circumstance-stop hurting yourself. if you decide to tell him, then be prepared to accept the consequences-it’s simple-you tell him and he either likes you back or he doesn’t. if he doesn’t, then accept it and you need to let him know that you have to spend time apart from him to allow yourself to get over him. if you don’t tell him, then you have 2 other choices-either continue hurting the way that you do (which leaves you in this perpetually agonizing state of montionless pain) or you need to distance yourself from him alot so you can get over him. what you are doing now is obviously not working and you are making no choices to move forward. i sadly suspect that he is not interested in you more than a friend from what you have written, and so i really think that you should cut your losses and choose to make yourself feel better. if it were me (and it has been before), i would tell him and get it off my chest. at least you would be making an active choice, not wondering and then if he says he isn’t into you, you can hurt, but then you will feel better because you have chosen to be true to yourself and your feelings, without allowing him to dictate your actions. i’m sure i sound incredibly cheesy, but i have always found that i have felt the best, when i spoke my mind and my feelings, so i hope you choose to do the same and move on afterwards. i know it sounds hard, but it really is like pulling a band-aid off quickly. i also think that speaking your mind is the more mature course of action, to speak your mind and be upfront about what you want and what you need. good luck, sweetie.
Ok, I’m just going to post instead of replying to all of these comments. Thank you all for your thoughtful advice and support. You’re great and I appreciate it.
I don’t know you or B or your relationship, but I was in the same situation last year, and I ended up telling her. She rejected me and said that she wanted to be “great friends”, and I ended up moving to the other side of the world. Not a happy story, I know, but I feel better about it, whereas before, it was really exhausting thinking and stressing about it all the time.
That’s my two cents…