Bad form September 11, 2005
Posted by charmingbutsingle in Uncategorized.trackback
So, I got an e-mail from a guy I was totally taken with several years ago. It was terrible and sad because I was so smitten and I denied it forever. And he was unavailable and he was taken and it would never ever work out, and he knew how I felt and he loved it and got off on it.
Jerk.
We hadn’t spoken or e-mailed in years. Like, at least two. He doesn’t live here and he hasn’t been on my radar.
He wanted to know how I weathered Katrina, so he e-mailed, which was nice of him. He said he’d been thinking about me and my family. All very nice and appropriate. I’ve been getting similar e-mails from people. It is nice to know that people, even those you aren’t close with anymore, do think about you during a rough time.
He gave me a short update about his career and his life and then casually mentioned that he was planning on asking his girlfriend to marry him soon. He closed by saying that life was going “fantastic” for him and he hoped it was going to same for me.
Look, I know it is rough to send someone an e-mail asking if they’re alive or under 15 feet of floodwater. I wouldn’t know what to say either. And for all he knew I had moved far far away from the Gulf Coast and was terribly safe and the idle chit-chat about jobs and impending engagements would serve as a nice chance to catch up with an old friend.
The converse is also true. For all he knew I had moved into downtown New Orleans and had lost everything. We hadn’t talked in two years and he’s off of my “new phone number/address” e-mail list.
But an e-mail that essentially says, “Hope you didn’t die in the storm, I’m getting married!” is a bit of a shock to the system. I’m annoyed and pissed off and the fact that I’m annoyed and pissed off just makes me MORE annoyed and pissed off.
So, jury of my peers, am I overreacting? Am I the only one who thinks this is a bit out of line?
The guy’s a douche. It’s one thing to say that you’re engaged or married, it’s another thing to say that you’re going to get engaged when you haven’t even asked yet. Sounds like he just wanted an excuse to mention it to you.
Bitter people of the world, unite with me and say, “we hope she says no!”
He’s an asshat.
Would have been nice if he had waited for your reply saying that you were safe and well before dropping that little bomb. Fuckwit.
Be angry. Be pissed. And then be grateful that you didn’t end up with such a self-involved prick.
If he knew that you still had feelings for him, then he was a bit out of line. Though understandably, if many years have passed, he may have been searching for something to say in his email, just to let you know where his life is. It’s hard sometimes to come up with something to say to someone you haven’t spoken to in so long. He wanted to know that you were safe, and that should at least earn him the benefit of the doubt that he’s not just out there to rub you the wrong way. Without really knowing more, I can’t completely join the camp that says he’s a total jerk. Just a potential one. Who wanted to know if you were safe.
While I agree with Brooke when she says, Would have been nice if he had waited for your reply saying that you were safe and well before dropping that little bomb, perhaps he figured that, if you read it, either A) you were safe and well and with Internet access, or B) you wouldn’t read it for a good long time, and you’d be well and alive and safe and with Internet access by that time.
Was it the best move? No. Was it the worst? It was questionable, to be sure. But it could have been worse. A good friend of mine up and moved out of NYC one day, out of my life, and emailed me years later. She gave me her blog address, and we kept in touch some through emails and the occasional phone call.
Then, about six months later, she’s mentioning her husband on her blog. I was stunned and a little hurt and confused.
So yeah, it’s a shitty way to go about things, but life moves on. The best you can do is be glad that you didn’t wind up with someone so inconsiderate.
If he didn’t know that you had feelings for him in the past, I think the note about him getting ready to get engaged was tactless in an email asking whether you survived Katrina. If he did know that you used to have feelings for him, then he’s beyond tactless-he’s a total jerk.
Definite asshat. My ex told me he found a new girl the night I told him my dad had cancer. I never spoke to him again. I think it would be fine for you to do the same.
Hmm. This is typical.
My guess? He was ‘thinking of you’…and although he was genuinely concerned about your safety, he also wanted to hear what your status is. AND, more importantly, wanted to point out (or rub in) his status.
Oy. Boys are stupid sometimes. And very insensitive.
I dated this guy. Well, not this guy, but someone just like him.
I think he did want to make sure you were okay, but also wanted to make sure you didn’t “get the wrong impression” by letting you know his status. I got quite a few emails from The Poet that were very similar in tone.
Basically, he’s a jackass.
The self-congratulatory note almost cancels out the hope you are safe intentions. Then again, are there any circumstances under which you would have been happy to hear his news?
Come to think of it, it wasn’t really news–”planning to ask his girlfriend to marry him soon.” Dude isn’t even engaged yet and has to let you know.
Loser. Jerk. Good thing you don’t like him anymore.
Yeah, a bit stupid. But I wouldn’t spend too much time thinking about it.
Likewise. I hope she says no. On the same day he finds out you’re a multi-millionairess having been remembered in a rich but distant relative’s will.
I think he’s being a twat. Poor communication skills and that male inability to multitask. He couldn’t email to see how you are and the email on a pleasant note. Instead, he ends it with his fantabulous news of his engagement. Thank goodness nothing bad happened to you!
As if we needed more proof that boys are incredibly stupid.
He’s an ass. And I, too, hope she says no.
I agree with the names — asshat is my new favorite. Also acceptable are tool, douchebag, jerkoff, bastard and dick.
DD and ecamirg (and the others who echoed them) do make good points. He probably didn’t say, “Dude, I’m going to e-mail S and rub it in her face that I’m getting engaged while she lives just miles from a natural disaster. Maybe she lost everything! Cool!” But, I can’t imagine that if he would have thought about the situation, he would have sent them e-mail.
It is tough to tell. I always tried to be the bigger person, wishing him well when I really hoped he was alone and miserable. (Do guys believe women when we say we wish them well? Because I almost never actually mean it at the time.)
And I don’t actually hope that he’s alone and miserable. I mean, not normally. Just when I’ve worked like, 30 plus hours of overtime in a pay period drastically shortened by a natural disaster and, like, 10 relatives have moved to town to escape a deadly hurricane and my town is overrun with extra people and shelters and everything is closing early and I actually saw military people with AUTOMATIC weapons the other day and he e-mails and says that his life is “fantastic!” Then, he can cry himself to sleep while dreaming of how he will never have my fabulousness ever again. Prick.
But, to be clear, he TOTALLY knew I wanted him. Totally. There were tearful phone calls and such. And while I don’t miss the hassle and the heartache and I am less wimpy and co-dependent (and just generally more happy) now than I was then, I do wish that I had something other to report than “If I don’t have to work a 12 on Saturday, I might get my highlights touched up and my bangs trimmed!” (Side note: I think they’re almost too long to be considered bangs at this point.)
Chiming in late as always…I agree with the jury of your peers. NOT AN OVERREACTION. He’s a narcissistic jerk.
Hi!
I have to say that I sort of disagree. I don’t think it was meant to be insulting or rude, I bet he honestly was thinking about you and threw it in (for whatever reason). Could he have stopped for just a second to think about how it might come off? YES, but from what I’ve learned from most of my guy friends, guys can be dumb, and a little flaky. They don’t think as much into things they say as girls do.
Bottom line is that I feel you have every right to take it the way you did, especially with gravity of things that are going on down there, I might even do the exact same. It just can’t hurt to think that you don’t write him off completely.
Asswipe, asswipe, asswipe. just ignore his ass. He’s adding fuel to the fire, and if u write back to him, ure letting him win! Wouldnt it be cool if u didnt write him back, and he got all worried, and he postponed his wedding to see u?? jerk deserves no response!
why do you care? if it’s this big of a deal to you he must still mean something to you.
i’m quite sure he was trying to pre-empt you having a romantic thought about him. he succeeded.
the question is, if he hadn’t written that he was getting engaged, what would you have felt? honestly?
No, you aren’t overreacting.
I think he’s a cad, even though he was trying to be nice.
Or maybe he’s just super dense and didn’t realize how crass that would be.
What a buttface. Why do men do this? They always have to contact you AGAIN. Such ego issues.
Ugh. I think the whole “checking to see if you were okay” thing was just a mask to hide the fact that he was really just wanting to tell you he’s almost engaged. And really, telling people when you’re almost engaged is retarded anyways. Who does that? What a dick.
“Fuckwit” is a favorite of mine.
I think Kristen is on to something about him not wanting you to get the wrong idea. Except why then did he bother to even email you - he doesn’t seem like the overly caring type. Maybe he just wanted some fodder so he could regale his friends with in-the-know NO flood anecdotes. He doesn’t work for Haliburton does he?
Or maybe, just maybe he was feeling you out for what your current lovelife status is? After all he just said he was THINKING of asking her to marry him. Whatever that means. Being on the verge of somehting that big raises all kinds of doubts and insecurities - especially in men who really do have doubts about their “intended.”
But it does seem rather unanimous about the size of his asshole.
Be bold. Ask him - as kindly and innocently as you are able to - why he brought that up under the circumstances - you might remind him that it’s never a good sign for his intended when he has to feel out long lost acquaintances about such intentions. And that’s what it seems like to you. If you are surprised by his behavior then tell him - you have nothing to lose now. Just don’t be snarky and make him glad you’re aren’t actually in his life.
Good luck. Seems like a fun opportunity for a little male mind exploration from a safe distance plus good fodder for your blog.
plus points for caring about you ‘
subtracted for the insensitivity of the ending comments boasting about a great life and getting married
better he’d left it at concerned for your well being and signed off.
if he knew how you felt about him in the past then he’d know telling you such a thing is going to raise emotions.
we already know boys are stupid. i had a similar incident recently with a guy from a similar situation. after the session with my therapist, she finally convinced me of my number one mistake. “Don’t Assume”. You never know what the other person is thinking and to expect someone to react to something the way you would is wrong. That doesn’t mean his action is wrong, just that you are interpreting it under your rules and not his. It’s his action, let him own it and don’t assume why he did it. This is always the hardest for me as I would rather assume the worst because it’s easier. Problem is that its also the assumption that hurts me more. Also, people get nervous in these situations and it’s much easier to talk about yourself when you are nervous, rather than talk about the other person. I think the fact that he reached out is a good sign that you were once a part of his life and whatever he is going through, you at least popped into his mind.
Doesn’t mean he’s not a cad or ass wipe or anything else. Just means this is his way of reaching out. Let it be with that.