An open letter to my Jerkface Neighbor October 13, 2005
Posted by charmingbutsingle in Uncategorized.trackback
Dear Jerkface Neighbor,
I know that in these trying times, simple things like parking your car in between the lines can seem like a monumental task. I also know that given the GINORMOUS truck you have, parking in a normal-sized spot is downright impossible sometimes.
I am nothing if I am not a caring and compassionate person who is sympathetic to her neighbors. So I overlooked your inability to park in ONE spot on Monday evening. I was too tired to really care anyway and went to bed pretty much immediately.
And on Tuesday, I was in a hurry to get home, change clothes and grab a bottle of wine to bring to a friend’s house for some much-needed drinky-and-gossip time. I barely even noticed that you were double parked that day.
And I would have overlooked the double parking on Wednesday night, but it caused me to have to park on the other side of the building, in the “shadowy” section of the parking lot, which is the perfect hiding spot for would-be attackers and rapists. They pretty much LIVE for shadows. Furthermore, I had my folded laundry, a small bag of groceries and a purse that I had to drag across the parking lot to my apartment at 11 p.m., when I finally finished a rather long day.
HOWEVER, Jerkface Neighbor, the obnoxious noise from your GINORMOUS truck that interrupted my sleep this morning at 5 a.m. really rubbed me the wrong way.
In fact, it did more than that. It supremely pissed me off.
As if it wasn’t bad enough that you take up two spots (when you clearly live in a one-bedroom unit that, from my reading of my lease, has one parking spot associated with it), now you are waking me up at the crack of dawn on the one day in the past five weeks that I haven’t had to be up that early to begin with?
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Today was my morning to sleep in until 6 a.m. and your TANK-SIZED truck wouldn’t start, so you revved the engine for a half-hour, banged on things and cursed, keeping me from my well-deserved extra hour of sleep.
Why, Jerkface Neighbor, why? Are you so selfish and inconsiderate that you don’t even realize why this is a bad idea? Were you not aware that it was STILL DARK OUTSIDE and that it was possible that some of us actually ENJOY sleeping?
Jerkface Neighbor, do you even have a job? Because once you finally got your GARGANTUAN truck to start and peeled out of the two parking spots you were taking up (did that really loud noise coming from your EXTRA MANLY truck make your penis feel bigger or something?) you sped off only to return 45 minutes later and park in two spots again. (I know this, because my stressed job-having self saw you sitting in your car when I left for work at 6:45 a.m.)
Beware, Jerkface Neighbor. I am on to you. I’m planning on sleeping in reeeeaaally late on Saturday (like maybe until 8 a.m.!) and if you wake me, you will need more than an obnoxiously large truck to protect you.
Just remember: Hell hath no fury like a charming (but single) woman scorned.
Sincerely,
S
P.S. Sorry for the lack of updates. Stories about the dates with the boy soon. I promise!
Three words for you: sugar, gas tank.
Three more words: Fuse, gas tank.
(or, if you can get into his apartment, “scorpion, underwear drawer.”)
All homicidal kidding aside, I’d just say now is a good time to call the landlord, or (if you have assigned parking spots and the law is anything like it is here) the police.
yikes.
that sucks.
Great rant. Your neighbour is a dick. Maybe stick a banana in his exhaust pipe just like in Beverley Hills Cop
Very funny post. Just what I needed after a long day…I agree with Brooke. Load up on sugar.
I hate jerkface neighbours!
You should put a pingpong ball in the petrol tank so that the stupid truck breaks down far far away from home and you can park in the double space.
Grrrrrr! I would print this out and slid it in his mail slot!
Can you have someone blow up his truck or something?
Ugh, what a dink. I hate people like him. They make me want to smash things, and I am not a violent person.
I suggest you print your post out and put it on his windshield. He should like that.
My Aunt used to live one street from her local train station, near London. Commuters would baulk at paying for parking at the train station carpark, and would park up and down neighbouring streets. Occasionally, people would park across my Aunt’s driveway exit. So she couldn’t actually get out of her house.
In those circumstances, she would get a screwdriver and puncture one of their tyres. Then would then decide the area was ‘too rough’ to park in, and park elsewhere. Most people were aware of others around them, and didn’t block her driveway and their tyres were safe. Selfish people were punished.
I’m assuming this truck has large tyres? They don’t come cheap (trust me, my fiancee has a large truck also, his last set cost more than my engagement ring!). I’m pretty sure if one got quite obviously slashed, he might find somewhere ’safer’ for his truck to park. And then you’ll get your spot back!
I feel your pain. My neighbor has the audacity to slam his door twice EVERY morning before stomping down the stairs.
Your site is great!
Chops~
http://songbirds.blogsome.com
Spray something very smelly in the inlets of his truck’s ventilation system. His car will stink for months.
* disclaimer * please don’t take up this suggestion.
So FUNNY! I hate those kinds of people too.
Can I add you to my list o’ links? Because your site is so very cool.–>