Charming, but single

Dear Immune System,

I know that the past few months have been trying for you. I know I should have rested more when I was super ill in August and that I shouldn’t have worked all of those 10-to-14-hour days. But, you know, there was a lot going on for a few months.

I’ve been TRYING to be good. I’ve been avoiding sick people and using Purel like mad. (In fact, I just Pureled.) I use those Lysol Disinfectant Cleaning Cloths and I try to eat healthy fruits and veggies. I know I don’t always take my vitamins, but I try. I’m sorry. I’ll do better in the future.

But, Immune System, you simply CANNOT give out on me now. I simply have TOO MANY important social obligations this weekend to not be well. We’re celebrating my BIRTHDAY for crying out loud.
And this Birthday Girl will not miss having inappropriately large hair and wearing terribly uncomfortable shoes and teetering around drunk spilling things while ordering people to wish her a “Happy Birthday” and getting celebratory kisses and spankings from every boy I know.

Teetering around drunk spilling things while barking out orders to my friends who have to listen because we are at celebration of me is my God-given right as the Birthday Girl and I will NOT miss the one night of the year when I am allowed to be as insufferable as I want to be because my body decided to not like the fact that I got a flu shot and/or because I moved a Fir tree into my living room and put lights on it.

You’re being ridiculous, Immune System. My co-workers thought I had “a late night” last night because my eyes were so puffy and swollen this morning. Do you know how embarrassing it was to have to explain to them that I took Benadryl at 9 p.m. and wished for quick slumber, so to avoid the itchy, burning eyes and sore throat? You are hurting my reputation as the fun Single Girl in my section, Immune System. Why?

When I come to work on Monday, the only cause for my puffy eyes should be intense intoxication and lack of sleep.
Get used to it, Immune System. We’re in for a wild ride.

Hear that, Immune System? I’m going to be well on Saturday night, whether you like it or not. I am going kiss on every guy in the room and if you don’t like it, we’re going to have some problems. You’re either with me or against me, Immune System, so don’t test me.

Because if I don’t get to be the Stereotypical Tipsy Birthday Girl this weekend, then the terrorists have won.

Love, S

On Thursday, the Relief Worker was back in town for One Night Only. He called several times on my cell phone in the morning. I finally grabbed the vibrating phone and stole out into the stairwell by my cube.

“I can’t talk. I have this report due and I’m sorry but …” I whispered sternly.

I agreed to call him after work. Any other man and I wouldn’ve rushed home, shaved my legs and adjusted my breasts in each bra-shirt combination possible. But this is the Relief Worker and there was no way he’d be lustful enough to even think about touching my legs. And my breasts? I really don’t think he’s interested.

He asked to take me to a movie. (I would have preferred a cup of coffee or dinner, seeing as he’s been stationed elsewhere and I haven’t seen him in a month.) We decided just to head over to the theatre and pick a show when we got there.

I thought he might agree to see “Walk the Line,” because we’d previously seen the preview and we’d both hummed along to the Johnny Cash song playing in the background.

I was wrong.

So, we were left with “Rent,” “Saw 2,” “Harry Potter,” “Yours, Mine and Ours” and “Just Friends.” I’ve seen “Rent” twice, and his religious ways wouldn’t mix with it. I don’t do terribly scary movies, so no “Saw.” Seeing “Harry Potter” would remind me that he’s a dad and “Yours, Mine and Ours?” Don’t think so.

That left “Just Friends.” Which sucked. (I do like Ryan Reynolds. But the movie still blows.)

We had about an hour to kill in the theatre, so we caught up. When I spend time with him, I remember why I like him. He’s just a friendly and he has this unassuming nature about him. And this sweet, thick drawl that comes from being raised in the rural mid-South. And a smile. I like a good smile.

After the movie I dropped him off at his hotel. He’s headed home for a few weeks and then I guess he’ll be back.

As he got out of the car, he asked when I was going to come visit him.

I smiled and said, “We’ll see.”

But what I meant was “You haven’t even kissed me! You haven’t even TRIED to kiss me! I don’t think we have anything in common. I don’t think we’re ever going to have anything in common. We disagree on everything, and I suspect that you’d be simply appalled if you saw me out with my friends. What would we do for a whole weekend? Going to the movie, having a cup of coffee, eating dinner – these are activities with a time limit and a time frame. A short time frame. One that is much shorter than 72 or even 48 hours. And have I brought up the fact that YOU HAVEN’T EVEN KISSED ME! I am just weeks of being 26 damn years old and I REFUSE to do this ‘when is he going to kiss me’ high school non-drama stupid ridiculousness. ENOUGH!”

“We’ll see,” I said instead and drove off.

On Thursday, the Relief Worker was back in town for One Night Only. He called several times on my cell phone in the morning. I finally grabbed the vibrating phone and stole out into the stairwell by my cube.

“I can’t talk. I have this report due and I’m sorry but …” I whispered sternly.

I agreed to call him after work. Any other man and I wouldn’ve rushed home, shaved my legs and adjusted my breasts in each bra-shirt combination possible. But this is the Relief Worker and there was no way he’d be lustful enough to even think about touching my legs. And my breasts? I really don’t think he’s interested.

He asked to take me to a movie. (I would have preferred a cup of coffee or dinner, seeing as he’s been stationed elsewhere and I haven’t seen him in a month.) We decided just to head over to the theatre and pick a show when we got there.

I thought he might agree to see “Walk the Line,” because we’d previously seen the preview and we’d both hummed along to the Johnny Cash song playing in the background.

I was wrong.

So, we were left with “Rent,” “Saw 2,” “Harry Potter,” “Yours, Mine and Ours” and “Just Friends.” I’ve seen “Rent” twice, and his religious ways wouldn’t mix with it. I don’t do terribly scary movies, so no “Saw.” Seeing “Harry Potter” would remind me that he’s a dad and “Yours, Mine and Ours?” Don’t think so.

That left “Just Friends.” Which sucked. (I do like Ryan Reynolds. But the movie still blows.)

We had about an hour to kill in the theatre, so we caught up. When I spend time with him, I remember why I like him. He’s just a friendly and he has this unassuming nature about him. And this sweet, thick drawl that comes from being raised in the rural mid-South. And a smile. I like a good smile.

After the movie I dropped him off at his hotel. He’s headed home for a few weeks and then I guess he’ll be back.

As he got out of the car, he asked when I was going to come visit him.

I smiled and said, “We’ll see.”

But what I meant was “You haven’t even kissed me! You haven’t even TRIED to kiss me! I don’t think we have anything in common. I don’t think we’re ever going to have anything in common. We disagree on everything, and I suspect that you’d be simply appalled if you saw me out with my friends. What would we do for a whole weekend? Going to the movie, having a cup of coffee, eating dinner – these are activities with a time limit and a time frame. A short time frame. One that is much shorter than 72 or even 48 hours. And have I brought up the fact that YOU HAVEN’T EVEN KISSED ME! I am just weeks of being 26 damn years old and I REFUSE to do this ‘when is he going to kiss me’ high school non-drama stupid ridiculousness. ENOUGH!”

“We’ll see,” I said instead and drove off.