Day Five: Knowns and knowing and unknowns and unknowing February 8, 2006
Posted by charmingbutsingle in Uncategorized.trackback
I know, I know. I’m a dumbass. I’m 26 years old, not inexperienced in this area. And so I know The Engineer isn’t going to call. And I’m in a grumpy mood because of it.
Secretly, I knew he wasn’t going to call when he kissed me. If they’re in a hurry, it is always a bad sign. But the wine and the kissing and the crisp air and his great smile and teasing way — it was all just so fun. Cuter. Nicer. I let my guard down, ignored my inner monologue and lessons of the past. And I lost myself in it and it sucks.
It sucks because I know better. I know better now and I knew better then and I’ll know better the next time. The buying of the cow in the instance of the free milk. Got it.
I should have been confident enough to walk away. Hand him my number and smile, drive him crazy with my self-control. Restraint is sexy. Making out outside a bar is not. Teasing is sexy. Having that late-night glass of wine is not.
Many men still have this whole Madonna-whore thing going on, wanting to get physical with women but not to commit to a woman who is too bold, too physical, too “whore-ish.” You would think that they would have outgrown it by now (certainly the ones in their mid-30s!) but they haven’t.
And I want to have fun but ultimately end up with more than a notch on the bedpost and I always forget that you usually can’t have both, at least at first. You would think that I would have outgrown it by now (certainly now that I’m in my mid-20s!) but I haven’t.
So, I give, I give. Uncle.
I just found your blog and love it!
Guys are idiots! And us girls are suckers! We get a guy that seems nice and says the right things and unfortunately we melt! Don’t beat yourself up! we all make mistakes…
This may all be true, but it’s far from fair. Women have sexual desires too–why are we still being judged for that?
I hope you can remember the fun you had kissing him and forgive yourself the consequences. His loss.
Ok, I have to de-lurk over this one. I’m a mid-30’s guy, and I love your blog… and I feel your pain. I’m with Jamy (and I love Grateful dating too, Jamy!) - I find nothing more attractive than a woman who knows herself well enough and respects herself (and me) enough to be able to go with the moment if that’s what we’re both feeling. The Engineer is a jerk. That doesn’t mean that we all are!
I might also add that I’ve been hurt on more than one occasion by *woman* who have behaved the same as the Engineer. Not returning/answering calls is just as hurtful as not calling, maybe more so.
If I’m kissing a woman the first time we meet then I certainly *do* want to see her again. Not because she’s some “whore”, but because I see something special that makes me want to kiss her in the first place!
Honestly, I think if a guy is really interested, it doesn’t matter if you go home with them the first night, they’ll still call. Beacuse they’re really interested. And that doesn’t mean that you weren’t pretty enough, witty enough, whatever enough for him to be that interested. In my experience, it’s less a reflection on how amazing you ar eor what you have to offer, and more likely a reflection of where the guy is at in his life and what he’s looking for.
My bet is that even if you had played harder to get, the result would be the same. Maybe he’d have called. Taken you out a time or two, but it still would’ve just been for the chase of trying to get you to go home with him, and once that was accomplished, the “dating” would’ve ended.
Not that any of that makes it suck any less, but just try to remember that the fact that he clearly wasn’t looking to get to know you past that one night makes HIM sketchy, not you.
I think the appropriate response here is…
That asshole!
It’s unspoken rules is what it is. I don’t really see why that particular rule has to apply here. A moment is a moment. And if you were going with a moment, why is that a bad thing? Bah. Stupid unspoken rules.
Don’t beat yourself up about it Charming…we all tend to regress in age every now and then and act dumb.
If he doesn’t call it’s clearly because he’s the fuckwit (my new favorite word BTW).
Chin up.
Yeah, everyone is right. Try not to sweat it. Besides, even though I know this is weak reasoning, there could be extinuating circumstances that you just don’t know about that have nothing to do with you.
Been there… and there… and there again. Lots.
Absolutely. . .yes, yes, and yes. My last comment’s truthfulness notwithstanding, the converse is also true: any guy who TRIES to get you to go home with him too quickly, isn’t a gentleman. Because gentlemen know the importance of “preserving the mystery” and not rushing to the physical before you figure out if the mental and emotional is worth getting to know too.
Please don’t misunderstand me, fellow commenters: it’s not that I think having a one-time hookup makes a woman “whorish” and not the guy, I am DRAMATICALLY opposed to the double standard (and I have the notches in my bedpost to prove it). I just think it makes it hard to really get to know a person. . .you’ve already seen naked
From a moral standpoint, I have no judgments; from a practical standpoint. . .if someone’s really worth it, there a good reasons to wait. . .from both parties’ standpoints. If he’d already decided you were a “go home with tonight” girl, chances are, he was already resolved NOT to get to know you. It ain’t you, Darlin’, it’s HIM.
It’s a hard balance to strike, to be fun and free and sexually liberated. . .and still be perceived as “lady” or a “nice girl”; a little slutty is fun, a little too much slutty lands you squarely in the booty call category. My boyfriend still makes comments sometimes that he thinks I’m too free with my “liberated” sexual advice to others. But on the other hand, that liberatedness is what make me confident, sexy, and . . .fun in the bedroom, to be frank. They (all) want a lady on the street and a freak in the bed. . .it may not be fair, but it is what it is.
That really sucks. You seemed so hopeful. I never really understood the no-calling thing. It just seems rude, especially after kissing. He obviously was attracted to you. What happens between then? At least he should have the guts to call and give some lame excuse about “not being ready” or something.
I wouldn’t make generalizations about men from this incident — even that virgin/whore nonsense. Men just get confused easily over what to do next - or if they want to take the next step. But playing it slower is sometimes better, mostly to protect yourself from getting hurt.
I hated all of the will he call or won’t he stuff of dating. It drove me crazy. And the game playing. Ughh. I SUCKED at dating.
Just saying… I am emphasize. I hope you meet an ever better, cuter, sweeter, smarter guy soon.
I’m with Irish Eyes on this one. Guys are very simple - if they like you, they want to see you again, and they will call/email. If they don’t, they won’t. It’s pretty simple. That doesn’t make it any harder to accept when it happens - believe me, I still hope every single goddamn time - but each time it makes it a little easier to get over. And if we didn’t hope, then what would differentiate us from those boys, eh?
Try not to beat yourself up over it. You were being open and honest and going with the moment. That’s a good quality to have and boo-hiss to those who want to trample all over it. Just try and shake him off and move on.
Bah! Stupid silly boy.
I’d honestly have to say I am perpetually torn over the “madonna/whore” vs. “just not that into you” debate. Part of me wants to scream “screw you! if you were a real man, you’d appreciate that I happen to like sex” and if having sex takes me out of the running, then that’s stupid and I don’t want to date you anyway. The other part of me whimpers a little.
I’m sick of the rules and game playing. Why do we have to plan our strategy from the very beginning? I don’t blame you for going along with the moment. That’s how it should be.
Stim: Boys want you to like sex. With them. Only them. Ever. They want to believe you are the sweetest, purest, most virginal girl to ever cross their path. And then they want to defile you. . .cause it’s hot. And then they want you to do all kinds of dirty, nasty, hott things to them. . .and they pretend like they don’t know where you learned those tricks. Because you’re a sweet, virginal girl.
I don’t make the rules!
It’s fine to go with the moment: but don’t be surprised if people make gross generalizations about you as a person if you do–i.e. that you go home with guys all the time, that you’re “slutty”, etc.
Neil: why are you perpetuating the lie? Guys aren’t confused. Are you confused when you like someone? No. If you say yes, I maintain you’ve never really liked anyone. . .because when you do, you’re not confused
Charming… you don’t have to see things in such a negative way. Try and enjoy the fact that you had a good night with a guy - be glad that you won’t see him again. It was a notch on his bedpost, but it’s also a notch on yours. Sometimes it feels good to let go and have a wild night with a stranger…
Sadly it seems that you have to be a dumbass and go through all the crap and fuck-wittage that is the asshole male species (gotta love them) in order to learn and refrain. But at least you get entertaining stories and hopefully some great sex along the way.
gosh men are just sooo stupid sometimes!
Geez, guys, 17 comments? How will I respond to them all! ;P
That Girl — Yeah, well. I agree?
Jamy — I am actually a bit pissed about the whole double standard thing. Have been for years. Guys do it all the time. Bastards.
Anon — I didn’t mean to sound like only guys do this. Unfortunately I don’t date women, so I don’t get to see how crazy ridiculous we are firsthand. ;P
Irish — Yeah, him not calling is sketch. And apparently my sketchdar is waaay off, ’cause I totally thought this guy was different.
Thérèse — Yep. Asshole. Yep.
Elle — I get y’alls comments sent to me via e-mail since I can’t blog during work. (Which is why I don’t respond during the day!) For some reason your “Chin Up” reminded me of “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” and I spent the rest of the day singing in a silly voice, “Cheer Up Charming!” All day I would randomly giggle for some reason. So, you know, thanks.
rees26 — Oh, there is a small part of me that is still hoping for a 11th hour voicemail saying, “Sorry, I’ve been held hostage for a week by angry bears and so I couldn’t call you.” SO NOT HAPPENING.
Jax Peach — I agree with you, except on weeks when I’m not being called back. ;P
Neil — Darling, I am hopelessly romantic and after two glasses of wine a boy with a nice smile is the kryptonite to my time-hardened demeanor. But yes, I was hopeful. Because I liked this one. I felt like we clicked. I’m gushing. I’m going to stop.
Lisa — But now you’re married, so that’s not a problem, right? ;p
Cleavers — Oh hell no, it is not easier each time you feel like a total moron. ;P
stim — See the second of the Jax Peach comments. But yeah, guys don’t want to think you’ve let anyone but them touch your boobies. Or even acknowledge that you have boobies.
Erin — Yeah, this is dating, not war. Right? Tell me this isn’t war, ’cause as I’ve stated before, I’m a peace-lovin’ girl.
Jax peach — Amen! We are so having a drink the next time I’m in Florida, ’cause I actually do agree with you when I’m not, like, consumed with sadness and rage. ;P
Anon — Oh dear, keep up. I follow the same progression with every situation. I get hopeful and giddy, then sad and negative, and then I move on. ;P (I do move on sometimes, right guys?)
OEN — Well, entertaining stories at least. ;P
Jo — Yep.
As a single girl myself, this has happened to me more than once.
It sucks.
Ultimately, because they never call… and we have too much self respect to corner them we will never have the chance to ask ‘is it because I went home with you so soon?’.
Ultimately I still don’t know the answer, I say yes… guys ultimately like the chase. But then my single male friends say.. ‘no, if we like you, we like you!’.
Who knows??
But he’s obviously not worth it… and you deserve allot better!!
x
Don’t you love how when you try to “go” with your mood, it backfires on you? It’s always the guys that you “should” have played coy with that don’t call.
Keep doing your thing girl. I know how you feel, I keep trying to convince myself that the right one won’t care how far I go with him on the first night. eh, who knows.
I’m the anonymous poster from above. I’m sorry I’m so full of “advice” - you’re totally right. You’re allowed to be disappointed. Take care *hug*
Tilda: you’re right, in *theory*, it doesn’t matter, if he likes you, he likes you. But I refer back to my previous statement that a guy who likes you. . .doesn’t want to jeopardize it any more than you do and will be a gentleman and not try to rush you. A guy who likes you respects taking it slow. A guy who likes you (and you also should know!) knows that there is far more to be gained from waiting. He’ll respect that in this type of situation. . .it’s better for both parties to NOT be “that girl/guy” that night, at least.
It took me a lot longer than my mid 20’s to figure out the whole milk for free thing…or maybe I knew it, but just didn’t care…and let me tell you. I do wait now, and it hurts when they don’t call, but at least I had my dignity…I didn’t always feel that way. The most important thing is that you did learn something from this.