One virtue I’ve never possessed March 21, 2006
Posted by charmingbutsingle in Uncategorized.trackback
It seems like my whole life has been spent waiting – to “grow up” and become an adult, to move out of my parents’ house, to get a good job, to be offered more money. Waiting to hear if you got the apartment you like. Waiting for him to call, for your coffee to be ready, for the light to turn green. To find out if Dad the Mechanic can squeeze a few more months out of your car so you can wait to buy a new one. Waiting for the Big Game and then waiting for your team to win.
Waiting for another job offer that you didn’t even think you wanted until you had to wait for it. Waiting for that perfect first kiss with someone special at the end of a perfect date like you’ve been waiting for all of your life. For that great bag to go on sale and for Clinique Bonus Time. Waiting to take a vacation and for flip-flop season. Waiting for his hand to move down your hip. For his hug to turn into an embrace. For your heart to stop beating so hard that you think it will come through your chest.
Waiting for the storm to blow over.
Waiting for those hour-long gym sessions to pay off. Waiting for the day when you don’t feel guilty eating a slice of pizza with double cheese and pineapple and washing it down with ice cream.
I am in a holding pattern of constantly waiting for the next big thing: the job that would be a career booster, the man that will be a core shaker, the perfection that is supposed to make me feel whole, as if I don’t sort of feel whole now. (Waiting for the day that I don’t approach the feeling of wholeness on my own without trepidation and worry that I am missing out on something. Like I shouldn’t accept the flawed me as complete, even when the flawed me is more content and fulfilled than ever. Or as if I admit that I really feel okay in my own skin now, I am somehow closing myself off to new learning and new people and new rounds of the Waiting Game. Will I live to wait another day?)
This is what happens when I have to wait. I go crazy. I get in my head and psych myself out and my heart starts pounding and I question everything I am doing and have ever done. I am neurotic when I am waiting. I am neurotic me times 100.
In these moments, the only thing that seems stable about my life is the constant anticipation.
Thus decribes the lives of millions of others waiting… to find out that they’re not the only ones who spent their entire lives waiting.
I think you’ve found it girl! You’re awesome.
-Chad.
I wish I could tell you something clever like “live for today,” but the truth is there will always be waiting for something in life. Even when you meet that perfect man, you’ll then be waiting for a child to be born, and then you’ll be waiting for the perfect house, and then something else. If everything was perfect, what would there be to live for? The happy person is the one who doesn’t let the inevitable waiting for something to ruin enjoying what they have now. And considering how charming you are…
I just found you today, but I think our lives are a little similar for comfort.
In other words, I’m hooked. It’s like someone is writing my blog for me!
Tiff
http://inotherwords.wordpress.com
On the one hand, it should be comforting to know that there are other people (me, for one) who know how you feel, which means you’re not alone. On the other hand, once you’ve realized that this huge behavior pattern has so much sway in your life, how do you modify it to the point that you feel like you’re living the way you should be instead of the way you are?
I bet you hoped I had an answer to that question. Sadly, I don’t. Except to say that these epiphanies, while they make us realize overwhelming things about ourselves, are, at worst, good daily reminders for us to TRY to keep our lives in perspective. Which we promptly forget about, until the next epiphany.
Whew. I think I DO need more sleep.
You are a speaker of truth Charming. I am waiting for waiting to pay off. I am waiting for the waiting to stop.
I love that I can come here to this little website when life looks a little askew, when I feel alone and bored- come to see you are feeling the same why, wanting the same things, waiting for all the things I am waiting for. Here’s to waiting my friend- we’ve gotten pretty good at it.
i just stumbled on your website today and i definitely know what you mean. you put into words what is sometimes so hard for me to express.
right on with this one. i still feel like i’m ‘playing adult.’ i guess this feel of waiting for the next big thing is a part of what might have prompted my ‘countdown.’
Ugghhh. I HATE waiting.
I still feel like a 17 year old girl on the inside.
When I read this… I stopped… because I felt like I should have written this same thing! I know EXACTLY how you feel because I have felt the same way for the last few years… hopefully one day all of our waiting will pay off… what else can we do? Thanks for the post… it made me feel good there is someone else like me out there
-Betsy
breathe! really take the time and breathe deeply.
all is well.
breathe! really take the time and breathe deeply.
all is well.
its funny how the things you wait for end up turning around on you. i waited to be an adult for so long, and now, sometimes, i wish i could just be a kid again.
Hey, I just read the article about the Soviets stealing your content. Sorry to hear about it.
this post made sense to me. but maybe i’m neurotic too!
Charming, don’t get so focused on waiting that you forget to enjoy what you’ve already got (which, i’m assuming, you acquired via previous waiting…).
i think it’s great that you have focused goals.
that, i think, is half the battle. everyone is waiting for something. it’s what drives us.
i too can relate! when i feel like you do, i get annoyed that my life is controlling me instead of vice versa, so that is what drives me to take action. that’s when i get my rear in gear and do something about it.
you’ll get there! be patient! and good luck!! and don’t forget to give yourself credit for what you have already worked hard for.
You should read the book “The Power of Now” (Eckhart Tolle)
We are always searching for answers and meaning EXTERNALLY when all answers and meaning are within us.
You could take a time-out from life, travel the world to “find yourself” and, apart from having astonishing experiences, without self reflection you’d end up full circle when you got back.
i think i’m in constant anticipation too… i keep waiting for my life to actually get better haha!
I have noticed this myself. And tho I don’t like to complain, I think the only group of people who don’t have to wait are rich people. Oh, they may have to wait for some things. But I have often noticed around me in the world that money is a great way of not having to wait. You don’t have to save up for an apartment, you don’t have to save up for a vacation, and you may well have someone in the family who can pull some strings to get you that job you want. The result is that you’re not waiting, and waiting is not the problem, the problem is not enjoying the now (consider waiting to go to a party - I can never read a book before going to a party, I’m chomping at the bit). But the thing is for us people who wait, it makes it more special when you get it. The old adage, “it’s the journey that’s the thing.” Sounds trite, but there’s something to it.
Sorry, me again (I don’t even know if you’re still looking at this blog). Also, if you are always looking ahead in a longing kinda disgruntled way, you might find yourself looking back one day when you’re finally there and realising you didn’t enjoy all the days and years beforehand because you were always unhappy because you were waiting. So don’t do that. Regardless of anything, enjoy the now so that that won’t happen. And that’s something that you can control right now. So be happy.
I’m waiting to see if my blogger works.