Charming, but single

How do you break up with someone you’ve never met?

The Accountant, a guy who messaged me through an online dating site, is kind of creeping me out. We chatted some online and I gave him my phone number so he called. We’ve had two long conversations full of red flags and me feeling uncomfortable.

He asks really pointed questions. Questions you wouldn’t ask of someone before your first date – have I ever been in love, am I still in love with anyone, do I promise that I’m not into girls, do I wear thongs … I could go on, he certainly has.

At first it was cute, but it is now borderline creepy. He’s trying to weed out characteristics of past girlfriends by asking if I’ve ever been “diagnosed with a mental disorder.” And he seems like he tries too hard to say things that he thinks women want to hear, like going on about how he’s going to take to me to a Five Star Steakhouse.

Only problem? Had he been listening to me, he’d know that I don’t eat steak.

But no, no, he’s too busy calling me “Little Girl” and “Poor Little Baby.”

And now he’s gotten especially odd. Last night he kept saying that he wished he could be cuddled next to me. And when I gently tried to get him off of the phone, he accused me of “trying to get rid of him” and then saying that I was reminding him that he couldn’t be holding me tight.

The kicker? Dude has yet to ask me out for even a coffee date.

Next!

Friday night: Last year’s bronze sandals from Nine West, worn with dark jeans and a brown tunic-length shirt to sushi and drinks for Party Girl’s birthday.

Saturday afternoon/evening: Brand new Gianni Bini Black Swirl D’Orsay pumps (listed under “dress” on the Web site if you want the specs) worn with distressed cuffed denim pedal pushers and a black lacy top, super straight hair and dangly silver earrings to a family barbecue and then out with Southern Belle and friends.

My Mom was quite beside herself that I’d wear such “impractical” shoes to an outdoor event. I turned my shoe snob nose up at the suggestion that I leave my new lovelies at home on a Saturday night.

Sunday: The blue-and-green Unlisted sandals I purchased at the Tent Sale from Hell. I finally found an excuse to wear them — a baptism. I paired them with a knee-length light-colored A-line skirt and a bright blue cami under a white sweater.

I felt truly fabulous strutting around with them on, the envy of every young girl who dreams of one day trading in her childish flats for lady shoes and every aging woman who wishes she could trade her boring Naturalizers for an afternoon of youthful shoe endeavors.

I smiled as I set a bowl of warm seafood bisque on the table and took my seat. I smoothed a napkin across my lap, crossed my ankles beneath the table and stirred my soup with a spoon.

“Well, what are you doing these days?” My Aunt’s Husband’s Stepmother asked. “Still in school?”

“No, I work in public relations.”

I took a bite of soup.

“Oh?”

“I work in the press office of [Organization Name].”

“Oh!”

She seemed very impressed.

“Well, I have a nephew – actually, TWO nephews,” her eyes filled with excitement as she spoke. “They are both very nice.”

“Oh?”

I politely listened, trying to fill my mouth with soup and salad and avoid having to comment.

“Yes, one works in computers. He’s one of those network guys. And the other is in the software company; I think he’s pretty high up. They help people install tax software.”

“That sounds really interesting,” I replied before chomping on another bite of salad. The more she talked, the less I wanted to have to respond. I don’t want to be hooked up with this family’s Men to Marry Off anymore than they want to be hooked up with me.

“Yes, they are very hard workers,” she said.

I smiled and took another bite of soup. It is always best not to be negative about potential familial fix-ups, but I had a feeling that if two eligible single men existed in this extended family (not related by blood at all), my Aunt would have mentioned them. It’s such a double-edged sword. If you like the family’s fix-up, everyone stresses about the relationship and puts undue stress on it. And it becomes awkward. If you don’t end up dating the person, then you constantly have to explain why you didn’t like Nephew One and Two. And you can’t say anything about wanting a boyfriend, because then everyone says, “But what about the Nephews?”

“Honey?” The Stepmother turned to my Aunt’s Husband’s Father. “Where did they have that apartment? Where do they live now?”

“I don’t play matchmaker,” he said and went back to eating.

“Well, they do sound very nice,” I said politely. “And technology is an ever-growing field.”

And I shoved a piece of bread into my mouth.

Updates:

Spent a few hours talking with the Accountant, 35, last night. The conversation was nice. He seems like an okay guy. The positive is that he’s interesting and talkative. And we are interested in some of the same things, which is nice.

The flip side of this is that while we’re interested in some of the same things, we’re bound to disagree on many of them. He’s a hardcore political junkie with opinions opposite of mine. I don’t mind this. However, he seems very into it and brought it up several times. It is as if his political preference is how he defines himself. This could be problematic in the future, as sometimes I don’t want to constantly have my mind on serious things.

The phone conversation did seem long, mostly because I hate talking to people on the phone when they live in town. I’d rather just go have a coffee. This wasn’t an option at 11 p.m. last night.

He also asked some very pointed questions, ranging from if I had piercings or tattoos to if I was somehow emotionally unstable or off-balance. He seems very interested in a serious relationship.

“What kind of women have you dated in the past?”

He just laughed.

“Bad girls.”

I’ve also had some furious e-mailing with the Academic, who is visiting family on his break from teaching and researching. He’s revealed his somewhat eccentric side, but we also share some common interests and have been exchanging some quality “getting to know you” e-mails.

I do have a few concerns, the first (and biggest) being that I’m tired of e-mailing the guy and want to have a beer with him or something. It seems like next week would be the first time would be possible. I’m over e-mailing.

The Jazz Musician sent me his contact info, but I haven’t e-mailed yet. I was a bit perturbed because I sent him my e-mail and messenger name and then he messaged back through the site telling me his e-mail.

Um, just e-mail me.

Also, one guy who I’d e-mailed with a bit last week is proving to be very sweet. He’s the Nice Guy. I haven’t had a chance to call him, so I sent him a quick note apologizing for this and blaming my new job. He e-mailed back today to quickly say that he hoped my new job was going well and that he was still interested. Very cute.

So, I messaged back that I would give him a ring so we could set up a coffee date one afternoon this weekend. I felt bad because I have plans both nights already with my friends and I don’t want to commit an entire weekend night (choice scheduling time) on someone I don’t really know. I’d rather do a short coffee date first. Hopefully he won’t feel like he’s being blown off. (Although, he very well could, since I’ve been not very responsive this week.)

Plan:

• Coffee with the Nice Guy on Saturday, if he can make it
• Drinks with the Accountant after work one night next week, because he works downtown as well
• Coffee or a beer with the Academic as soon as he returns

Goal:

• An actual quality date for next weekend (not the one two days from now)

A guy, 35, who posed by his truck in a profile picture (pet peeve), sent me this gem in an e-mail:

you sound very interesting, but I am curious. your section on your wants for the guy is very open. what do you want besides a laid back confident guy with a sense of humor.

Now, I employ the three-paragraph format I talked about here. Something about me, something about what I want, something witty-ish about me or as a closing. I’m not writing a thesis titled “Personality Traits of a Particular Single Woman and Her Theoretical Perfect Male Counterpart.” It’s a profile. Geez.

I don’t know why this irked me, but it did. Because I did list other traits. I said I wanted I guy who was opinionated, yet open-minded and someone who was fine both having a fun night out or staying in and relaxing.

Part of me wanted to employ Professional Communicator tactics on him and restate my position in more forceful terms. Like this:

Actually, if you carefully read my profile, you will see that I’ve listed five traits that I want in a man, not just the three you chose to get hung up on. To summarize my position on the potential mate …

I ultimately decided that this was a bad idea. I checked his profile, and — wait for it — he doesn’t list any traits that he wants in a woman. At all. He doesn’t even say he wants a “Real, Honest Woman” or employ any other trite profile-isms, such as “not wanting drama.”

Next!