The green-eyed monster creeps in … July 27, 2006
Posted by charmingbutsingle in Uncategorized.trackback
One downside of online dating is that when you meet someone and you start dating them, there is still the possibility that you are still dating other people.
And both of you know it.
I haven’t been out with any other men since I began dating The Nurse. None of the men who have messaged me lately have been good prospects and I’ve neglected the process of messaging men myself.
Last night I was at a work function and The Nurse was celebrating passing a test he’d been studying for all week. We met up for a drink and ended the night at my place.
As we stood in my messy kitchen snacking, he commented on the dishes in the sink.
“I cooked last night and didn’t do them.”
“So you cooked?”
“Yep, tofu stir fry with noodles and mushrooms.”
“Oooooh,” he said, raising an eyebrow.
“What?” I leaned into him and tugged on his untucked shirt.
“You don’t have any left?”
“No, I didn’t make that much.”
“You had a date over here,” he teased, wrapping an arm around my waist.
“No, I didn’t make that much.” I twisted from his grasp and began clearing the counter.
He picked up an empty popcorn bag and shook it.
“You DID have a date over here,” he said, waving the bag like evidence.
“Nope, just ate popcorn for dinner one night.”
“It’s okay if you had another man over here. You can date.”
I just rolled my eyes.
We snuggled in bed later and he started giggling. I inquired as to his laughter. He told me about a scene in “My Super Ex Girlfriend,” which he’d seen that night, in which Luke Wilson’s girlfriend breaks the bed during sex.
“We thought that was really funny.”
My ears perked up at the “we.”
“You don’t strike me as the ‘My Super Ex Girlfriend’ type,” I said, fishing for information about this “we” of which he spoke.
“It was cute. We enjoyed it.”
Again with the “we.”
I didn’t ask who he’d seen the movie with because I didn’t want to be the jealous type. But as I fell asleep, I just had to wonder — Who’s dating other people now?
Charming, I am in the exact same boat! After 3 or 4 dates w/my ‘crush’ (who I am really liking) I have absolutely no interest at all in checking out other profiles, even though I know I should…
Oh, he’s just toying with you! Why would he want to date anyone else when he already has the hottest babe around?
So, you didn’t ask him? Why not? You’re dating him, it’s a valid question. You’ve been seeing this dude for like, what, 2 weeks, maybe 3? Don’t you wanna know? You are falling for this guy as we can all see, and it would be fair to ask, because if he is, he at least owes you the courtesy. He MIGHT (notice I say might) be cuddling in someone else’s bed when he’s not in yours and… I’m just saying, you gotta talk about this stuff, just cover your bases.
You are passing on perfectly good dates because you like this guy and I just think it would seems like the right thing to do if he was passing up dates too. Unless otherwise discussed. You know…?
And for what its worth, I think his comments about you having another guy at your house is a good indication that he was fishing to see if you are dating other people. And that it seems highly likely that he wanted to know, because he is… just my opinion though…
It’s a safe assumption that he’s dating other women from Match. In my 2 years of Match dating the guys were almost always juggeling 2 or more chicks at a time. But that’s what Match is good for, Dating. If things start to get serious with a prospect from Match you have the talk and figure out where you’re both at…when you’re ready. For now, I say let him think you’re dating others, it let’s him “chase” you. With men it’s all about the thrill of the hunt.
Sounds like a sticky situation, for sure. If he’s going to be ambiguous about his situation, maybe you should too. I hate being in that position of not knowing. Maybe the best thing you could at least do for yourself is immediately go on another date. At least get your mind off of The Nurse, for a little while at least.
I recently found myself in a similar situation, but because we had agreed to keep things ‘fairly casual’, I let it slide… but I quickly realized that I was SO not ok with it, and things deteriorated quickly… if you’re not ok with it, don’t let it slide. It sounds like you’re having WAY too much fun to have something like this nagging at the back of your mind.
Just wanted to add that I totally agree with “KayKay”’s comment. Why didn’t you ask him? It’s a perfectly vaid (and non-clingy) question. Women shouldn’t be afraid to ask these things.
I didn’t ask because part of me didn’t want to know. I want to be able to pretend that I don’t care, when clearly I do.
Charming, Darling- why are you setting yourself up!? WHY? WHY?
Obviously this guy likes you. Obviously he wants to know if you are seeing anyone.
I just want to be super honest with you, as a single girl in this world, trying to find love just like you- YOU’RE HOLDING YOURSELF BACK! STOP IT! No settling, no pretending…(no texting either!) You know what you want, and you think you might have found it- so you got get all this messy, ambiguous crap out of the GD way!
Let’s say you continue to see this guy without asking him about other dates and he doesn’t think that you care, but you do. He’s is just going to go right on seeing other people.
Just ask him, and if he says he is seeing someone else, or other people, then tell him how you feel, tell him you are interested in being with someone exclusively. If he can’t do that- then let go, he doesn’t deserve you anyways. You are special and you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you… just you!
Call me old fashioned but that just KILLS the whole romance thing.
But it’s not very romantic to be dating a guy who is romancing someone else!! Come on! It’s romantic when a guy wants to be with you and just you. When he looks into your eyes and yours alone.
Still, he might not be seeing anyone at all. “We” could have been a friend or a family member. I think it couldn’t hurt to ask- he’s already brought it up. Though it does seem interesting that he is meeting Charming late at night- oh, but he is a nurse. But maybe that is why he’s been so loose about making plans, because he is seeing someone else. Oh, I hate over analyzing. Sorry!
Nothing counts before I love you.
You’ve only known this person for a short time. If all continues on as it has, you will eventually find yourself in a committed relationship. But it’s still early yet. There is no need to define the relationship, lay all of your cards on the table, agree to be exclusive, etc. Just enjoy the stage that the two of you are now in, and don’t rush into the next one.
That said, I think he was trying to feel you out with this “we” business.
Its important to know your limits. For example, if its okay with you that he might be “cuddling” other women, then don’t ask the question.
If you are cuddling with him and you can say to yourself, “i don’t want to cuddle with someone who is cuddling with someone else too” then it is fair to make your boundaries known so that you don’t compromise your own integrity - no matter how long you have been seeing him.
Understand that it’s in his best interest to let you know that you’re not the only game in town. By letting him be ambiguous, you let him get away with that assumption that there is someone else. For all we know, the Nurse could turn out to be just like Neil, who talks to his penis. His “we” could have been referring to his little friend, lol.
To turn it around, it might not be a bad idea to let him know that he’s not the only game in town. Knowing that makes a person work harder for your attention. And so long as the chemistry continues to be as healthy as it sounds, it’ll only become a matter of time when one or both of you are gonna want to take this to a more exclusive level.
i agree w/kaykay.
i have a strict policy: i don’t sleep with a new guy until i know we are exclusive.
notice i said “new”…Gah, i am pathetic. (are you getting what i am saying….?)
this way, i don’t get as upset if he is seeing other people, because we haven’t had the emotions of sex involved.
ok, i’m done w/advice. as though my love life is something to be modeled! it is royally screwed up right now!!!
i don’t see what the big deal is about asking. go for it. you’ll probably feel better and it might open up the way to some good communication. for all you know, he could have been making it up to see if you were as jealous as he was.
jealousy = good. it means you care.
did he go w/his sister? friend? cousin? mom? –are you SURE he implied it was a DATE?? you might be letting your imagination run wild. i have done this before.
my two cents.
Hmm, I don’t think I like this guy for you…He doesn’t call for plans, dresses bad, hints about other “dates” - I hate to say it, but he is already in your bed. And whether that is sex or not I’m not judging you…it’s just he is getting what he wants..or feels is going to soon. I think you can do better. I hate those types of guys. And so happy I’m not one of them. I say talk to him -and what about a real date…dinner? not this you meeting him late at night in dive bars, and your place after a movie with someone else. Talk to him about what you feel, if he can’t handle it he’s not worth it.
when a man says it’s okay to have a another man over your place and that you can date, it’s probably ‘coz he’s having other girls over at his place and dating as well. that’s the thing with casual dating. you can’t let yourself be fooled into thinking that you’re the only one he’s dating. sure you guys seem to be getting along really well and being a girl, you probably would have started to neglect being proactive in pursuing other dates, but the guy probably doesn’t think that way. good luck!
Totally agree with most of what’s been posted above (especially jo). It’s probably best to find out who the other half of the “we” is. If it’s a date, drop him like a hot potato. You deserve the best. Good luck!
One thing that really concerns me is that the nurse mentioned that he had seen My Super Ex Girlfriend earlier that day. If he was dating someone else, that means that he must have had two dates in one night, which is not very nice.
There are regulations on the number of hours medical personnel can work in a week, so his schedule should usually be known ahead of time short of an emergency. Is he making plans to meet you ahead of time, or is he just calling when he’s lonely?
You deserve a great guy who will love and appreciate you, and make an effort to include you in his life.
Best of luck!
I second the feelings of BlueLoverGirl and anon above.
15. Virginia Belle wrote:
jealousy = good. it means you care.
I can’t agree. I’m poly, and we make a sport of defeating our jealousy, while continuing to care.
I met a woman at a dance the other day. We had been corresponding, but it was a first date. When I came back from the washroom, she was dancing with another guy. Was that because I cared so much for her? No, I hardly knew her at that point. I cared about myself. It wasn’t that I might have lost her (since I didn’t have her yet), it was that I might not measure up.
Jealousy is about you more than about your partner. In my case, self-esteem is usually the issue. Deep down, I didn’t feel worthy, and I was afraid of being left out. Great lesson for me.
Right now, you are in an insecure position, so it’s alright to be jealous, to ask what’s going on. If you want the safety of an exclusive arrangement, ask for it. If you are okay with non-exclusive, for now or forever, that’s fine too. Just don’t equate your insecurity with your feelings for any particular individual.