An Open Letter to the Men Who Message Me Through Match (aka “Why Dating in the South is Hard”) October 11, 2006
Posted by charmingbutsingle in Being Southern, Dating, Men, Open Letters, Tales of Online Dating.trackback
Dear Men,
Thank you for your interest in dating me. I am truly humbled by your decision to wink at me for free and/or e-mail me to comment on the size of my lips in my picture. I DO have Nice Lips, thanks for noticing!
I see that you are from a very small town. I do not really know where that is, nor have I been there by choice, I am sure. Feel free to continue pursuing me; however, let it be known that I am probably not going to drive to Podunkville to meet you at some double wide trailer that’s been converted to a bar so that we can listen to Skynard on the jukebox and drink Budweiser. Read my profile. Does it say anything about Budweiser?
If we date for several months and I like you, I may make a trip out to the homestead as part of the give and take of a relationship. But if you’re just casually seeing me in hopes of interacting with my Nice Lips, you will come to the city. That’s where my Nice Lips like to go out.
But really, I’m getting ahead of myself. Because there are some major wrinkles in your profile that need to be ironed out before we can continue.
Why are you wearing Denim Overalls in that picture?
Look, I understand that not everyone works in an office. I live here too and I get that in some places, there are more oysters than offices. And I’m ok with you not being a briefcase-toting office inhabitant as long as you are a hardworker.
That being said, why are you wearing Denim Overalls in that picture?
Don’t send me a picture of you working, hunting, fishing, hanging out or generally being in Denim Overalls. Denim Overalls do not make me lose my breath. Put on jeans and polo and take a picture. It ain’t rocket science.
Also, is that Robert E. Lee standing next to you? I thought he was dead! No? That’s your buddy dressed as Robert E. Lee? Oh, well since you explained that to me … NO. Civil War Reenactors are WORSE than Men in Denim Overalls (when there is no overlap). I’m almost glad that you have a picture with you and Faux-bert E. Lee on your dating profile, because I won’t accidentally go out with you now and have to text my girlfriends from the bathroom that “My Date reenacts Civil War Battles.”
Come on, dude, do you think I’m going to explain to my girlfriends, “Oh, [My Boyfriend] can’t make it because they’re getting ready to re-enact the War of Northern Aggression and he’s in charge of making costumes?” while we sip cocktails?
Hell no. I can’t even believe I just wrote “the War of Northern Aggression” out.
I can almost get over the plethora of trucks and four wheelers in your dating profile. I don’t really like the guns. Or the dead animals. But when you are in your picture in Denim Overalls standing next to some dude dressed as Robert E. Lee, I draw the line.
I like Southern Men. I really do. And if one of you would show up in seersucker on your profile, I’d swoon and e-mail your picture around to my girlfriends and write three drafts of the e-mail I was going to send you. Because I love me some Southern Gentlemen.
But there are moments in my dating life when I start to wonder if there are any datable men here. When the Civil War Reenactors and the Confederate Band of Brothers start to wink at me? One of those times.
Cheers,
Charming
Civil War reenactors on Match.com. I’m just … it’s like … damn. Hahahahahahahahaha. Bless their hearts. Or not.
That is absolutely hilarious. You just made me spit out my drink and laugh out loud. I’ve had some of those reanacter guys too but never found such a good response.
Fantastic. you tell ‘em.
“Also, is that Robert E. Lee standing next to you? I thought he was dead! No? That’s your buddy dressed as Robert E. Lee? Oh, well since you explained that to me … NO. Civil War Reenactors are WORSE than Men in Denim Overalls (when there is no overlap). I’m almost glad that you have a picture with you and Faux-bert E. Lee on your dating profile, because I won’t accidentally go out with you now and have to text my girlfriends from the bathroom that “My Date reenacts Civil War Battles.””
ROFLMAO! Charming, demin overalls AND war reenacters! Lucky…
He sounds fabulous. Does he have a brother?
Heh, that is what you would get in the South, isn’t it? I had a friend in DC who actually went so far as to meet a guy for dinner before realizing he was a larper.
Anyone who is a fixin’ to be in some denim ov’ralls and had done took a pick-shure standin’ next to the gen’l Robert E. Lee is, well, a great source of humor!
Anyone who is a fixin’ to be in some denim ov’ralls and had done took a pick-shure standin’ next to the gen’l Robert E. Lee is, well, a great source of humor!
Wow. That was a brilliant, BRILLIANT, post.
ROTFLMAO!
You hit the nail on the head, now if I just had the gumption to mail that letter to some of the idiots on match.com who fit the profile.
have other men also commented on your nice lips ? and cheekbones.
since i have never sent you a email/wink , you shouldn’t confuse me with the reanacter guy .
Perfect!
We don’t get too many Robert E. Lee reinactors up here. Mostly the LLBean hiking/fishing dudes, or bikers. Same concept though.
Bless their little hearts.
I get a lot of comments on the lips. And yeah, on the cheeks as well.
Sandra Dee, you can have him. I’ll take his brother.
Charming- I regularly read your blog, but don’t always comment. But I felt I had to since you made me laugh so hard my coworkers came over thinking I was choking.
Thanks for the laugh.
charming, let me apologize for southern men everywhere. As you may or may not know, every family has those black sheep. We love ‘em, they’re fun to hang out with in their own context, and we’ve probably known them since birth…but sometimes, you just can’t make excuses for folks. That being said, there are some weird WEIRD fellow Southerners out there.
hahaha!
my favorite line:”have to text my girlfriends from the bathroom that “My Date reenacts Civil War Battles.””
That was hilarious… I never would have guessed people still wore denim overalls
Oh, the South. City to rural is like night and day. All you have to do is cross the river out of town and you’re most certainly not in Kansas anymore. When I did internet dating I refused to consider anyone who didn’t live in the city. Leaving town is like falling off the edge of civilization.
i COMPLETELY understand where you’re coming from. this is why i cancelled my match.com account. although, they did feed me for at least a week!
Oh. My. Gosh.
It’s hilarious.
Up in Pittsburgh it’s not so much denim overalls, but construction workers and tailgaiting for Steelers!!!
I went to school in the south, and I love reading your take on post-college dating down there. I feel like this would be my life (if I was outgoing) had I stayed in Atlanta.
Keep writing Charming!!
OMG that post is awesome. I’m emailing it to my girlfriends. they will die. that could totally happen to one of us. seriously, one of your best posts ever. if you are writing a novel, you have to include this. definitely a LOL riot of a post!!!!
and Just Call Me Fabulous nailed it on the head EXACTLY. there is such a huge difference between city/country in the south!
More simple answers to complex questions:
1.) ‘Why are you wearing Denim Overalls in that picture?’ Because he’s over 40, those are his work clothes and/or that’s the only clean pair of anything he owns. All bespeaking nasty things for the agriculturally minded.
2.) ‘NO. Civil War Reenactors are WORSE than Men in Denim Overalls’. Agreed. And there’s seldom any overlap. But then again I feel the same way about most thespians. The only thing worse than tham are most ‘news-readers’. I’ve seen dogs that were more intelligent & had better personalities. Wait…I say that about almost everyone anyway.
Cheers & Good Luck! ‘VJ’
Oh dear. This was way too funny. Although I do have a soft spot for farmers, I agree with you about the polo shirt and jeans idea. How about the old men that repeatedly wink at you, even though you’ve politely said, “Thanks, but no thanks.” I’m 25, not 45; move on!
Why do southern men keep reenacting the Civil War? Do they win in those reenactments?
I absolutely loved this post.
I spent my single years living in Carthage, Mississippi and I can soooooo relate.
Screw you Charming you pretentious twat… you went and lumped two things together.. southerners and reenactors.. think that is like lumping new yorkers with yankee fans.. I think your basing your dating opinion on white trashdom.. and nothing about southerners.. or reenactors. I myself am a reenactor and let me tell you about the things that the ladies love… unlike you.. Ive been in movies.. yes.. Ive been an extra in several movies.. met movie stars and can actually find myself on screen… hmm.. did you think of that. Talk about that one over cocktails with your yentas… I have a six figure job with a major corporation and do completely fine in the dating scene. In fact the minute I bring up my love of history.. let alone the fact I can tailor make almost any garment(something most women nowadays cant even attempt).. and cook a full meal for over 20, over a camp fire by the way. I tend to usually always get the woman’s full attention.. So please dont misjudge something you know little or nothing about.. and keep up the dating tips for shallow vapid women, the internet does need some sorta serious content to laugh about..