Love advice, 80s style November 20, 2006
Posted by charmingbutsingle in Uncategorized.trackback
On one of the first records I ever owned, a pre-Bobby Brown, pre-crack Whitney Houston asked, “How Will I Know?”
She was talking about a boy. She wanted to know if he loved her. And I remember thinking this was a lame song. Even as a young child, I thought Whitney Houston was pretty dumb.
“How could you NOT know?” I wondered. “It is LOVE.”
I’ve always expected the butterflies. The stomach flip. I’ve felt these things for people before – the physical signs of a woman who is flush with emotion over a man.
But what about the others? The nice guys who for some reason don’t make you weak in the knees as much as they deserve to? The ones who always return your text messages, who always open doors, who always comment on how pretty you look, who always sound excited to speak to you.
Do you penalize them for not wanting to vomit up your guts and feeling weak when you see them?
What about the ones who aren’t so much afraid to let you into the little intimacies of their lives? When it feels effortless and you kind of just know things about them, like how they like superhero stories and save their ticket stubs from movies and always eat mushrooms in their omelets.
Do those things matter? And should they? Am I so obsessed with waiting for lightening to strike that I’m missing all of the little signs around me that are pointing me back to one of the normal guys in my life, about whom I think, “He’s not the one, but he’s one of my favorites.”
How will I know, Whitney? I need to know, Whitney. Because I wanna dance with somebody who loves me.
Eventually, if not sooner.
Personally, I want to sue Hoollywood, H.C. Andersen and those pesky Bros. Grimm for all the Prince Charming stories they fed us, since we were old enough to fall asleep to a bedtime story. For making us expect butterflies and all that other crap.
Because you know what? No, there will not be a choir of cherubim singing from the Heavens when bump into him on the subway. Why? Because that’s crap!!! Seriously.
On a downer, serious note - the extreme highs (butterflies, etc.) are “high” because they are surrounded by extreme lows. Women in abusive relationships get and stay there because when he comes back, when he apologizes, says he loves you and he’s never going to beat you senseless again, the butterflies are all over the place - it must be love!
Most women are not at this extreme, but the disease plagues us nonetheless, at lower levels. That’s why so many women don’t notice the nice guy - he’s nice and great all the time. He doesn’t give you any lows (not calling, treating you like he’s not going to call, etc.) to then pick you up to a butterfly high with a small gesture that truly does not merit such a response from us…
I know I’m bitter, but I guess I was fed one too many fairy tales when I was little, one too many Meg Ryan movies - the more illisioned they are, the more bitter they fall… With my ex-husband, I felt butterflies the first time I saw him. We saw “signs” that we were meant to be together - double rainbows, and all sorts of other trivial, pointless events we twisted into being serendipitous signs that we were meant to be together. It took me two years to realize I deserved better than being the wife of an alcoholic pot-smoker who couldn’t pay his child support without my paycheck.
Sorry to go off on the rant, but the butterflies issue gets to me, because I was such a firm believer in it. Now I’m just bitter and divorced
but I looking for the guy who’s going to open the door for me, who’s going to call me when he says he will, who’s going to take interest in my interests, like my writing and acting and whatever other crazy thing I decide to try. If I want “butterflies” I can go eat questionable pizza leftover from who-knows-when.
(PS - *bows in reverence to your last paragraph*
)
I think everyone reaches a stage where they become… if not cynical and embittered, then at least pragmatic.
You can’t marry the guy that may or may not show up at the church, depending on his mood and what else he’s got going on that day. You can’t share your household finances with the guy who might ditch you for the hot girl of the week. You can’t raise a child with the guy who disses you for putting on weight.
The truism is that it’s the nice, dependable guy that you want to marry. But forcing yourself into a relationship just because he’s trustworthy doesn’t work, either.
Then again, I’ve reached a point where I’m just happy if the guy shows up.
*sigh* I really liked this blog, but it did make me a little glum. Really it just reminded me of not knowing. I so know what you mean.
Whitney does crack?
Love is a mix, a fine line. There needs to be some excitement, something that makes you anticipate each encounter. But there also needs to be that comfort– that feeling tht it doesn’t matter if he sees you at your worst, b/c he’s gonna be there anyway.
And maybe that’s part of the key. He should be someone that you can be completely yourself for, that you can bare your soul without worrying that he’ll be turned off by it, yet you still want to dress up for him, to look good for him, so he knows that you’re proud of having him, too. That he makes you want to be a better person.
The butterflies are part of it, but they’re not the only part of love. One of my friends recently got married, she had and her boyfriend had been dating for 3 yrs, and it wasn’t untill they were getting engaged that she herself felt the butterflies for him. Sometimes that part comes later.
My husband makes me laugh like no other. I can be the goofy dork with him, without worrying that he’ll think I’m stupid or wierd. And partially b/c of that, when we go out I want to look good, for me but also for him. So he can hold me at his arm and others can admire the girl he’s with. I don’t know if that sounds wierd, or if it helps you any. You’ll have to find your own balance of comfort and excitement. However if you find yourself repeatedly pulled in the same direction, perhaps it’s time to give him a try.
Well, I wouldn’t make the jump that the “butterflies” cause women to stay with their abusive partners, but I do think we have pretty high ideals that are hard to find in reality.
I can really relate to this post, but mostly because I did a dance routine to that song in the 2nd grade.
Our expectations are set high, though aren’t they? For all these feelings we are supposed to have?
Whose to say that “one of your favorites” might not become “the one”?
Butterflies are just little fluttery things that are GREAT to look at.
They flutter about, not really staying in one place too long because their life span is so short…is that REALLY a good sign?
Think about it…
No one wants to be neaseous for the rest of the their life. Waking up next to someone who is one of your favorite people, if not eventually your very favorite? That’s something I could get used to.
Tru dat! Great post, Charming! And I am totally with you on that…I want to dance with somebody too…some body who loves me!
When you find out, pass on the tip girl!
i always thought that i’d know. it’s love. shouldn’t i just know? i think i still think that way… only that occasionally now i start questioning if i would really just know… meanwhile just dance alone. good post!
Other than in movies, how can you really know that someone is THE ONE after one or two meetings. You might know he ISN’T the one, but the other takes time.
Whitney here. Hey listen. You`re pretty. Even when you vomit. But that`s what happens when you eat butterflies.
You wanna dance? I wanna dance. Who cares if he loves you; loves you not? The point is, you`re not in a wheelchair. And that makes traveling from one man to the other, all the more easier.
I guess what I`m tryin` to say is, butterflies taste bad. And when you get to be my age, your weak knees will eclipse the pain in all your joints. But at least your man will still want “to let you into the little intimacies of their life.” And girl, if you`re lucky, it`ll still feel “effortless” to learn and know things about him.
If he`s one of your favorites, plop him on your lap and wheel your happy ass off into the sunset. Sunsets fade. So do lightening flashes and nausea. But as long as you don`t roll over his arms, he`ll still be able to open the door for you.
Whitney. Out.
i agree that my expectations, since i was knee high to a grass hopper, have been influenced by the cinderella stories/fantasies. Now, that I’m older (read “wiser”) i realize that there’s more to a relationship than butterflies, and that happily ever after doesn’t automatically happen. That being said, last summer I decided I had enough of dating jerks and decided to go out with a nice guy (read “a guy that i normally would have overlooked in the past because there were no butterflies”). Five months later and i couldn’t be happier w/ my decision. Butterflies fade; trustworthy, decent men don’t. Hang in there; you’ll find him.
You wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve wondered this same thing - am I missing out on someone truly amazing in front of me because he doesn’t make me feel like I think I’m supposed to?
GREAT post!
I think I know exactly what you mean. I’ve passed up two of the most amazing guys I’ve ever known simply because they didn’t make me feel the way I thought love was supposed to. Sometimes I wonder if that won’t doom me later on.
Here’s hoping that it doesn’t.
As a dating and relationship coach, I sympathize. Nice guys don’t create that spark. And all the emotional intimacy in the world is no good if there’s no attraction. Without attraction, all you’ve got is a therapist. Or an emotional tampon, who perhaps opens doors for you.
The guys who do create that spark are the confident ones, the ones who aren’t always thinking, “OMG, what will people think if I do this? What will society think?” Unfortunately, a lot of guys who fit that profile are jerks.
Sometimes nice guys need a little help. A gentle nudge to learn how to flirt, to be edgy, to be confident. Unfortunately, there’s still that societal stigma that says “Men who need help to be socially successful are losers.” We don’t expect guys to come out of the womb knowing how to swim - why should this be any different?
I say don’t give up the butterflies. If there are no butterflies at the beginning of a relationship, then they’ll never come.
On Butterflies & lack thereof. See Helen Fisher on this and more. She’s only been writing on these topics for well neigh 20 years or so. And Niels, you need to go back to school! Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’
sometimes, those butterflies are just anxiety - which comes in good flavors AND bad. Anxiety about not knowing what’s going to happen next - Will he notice me? Will he like me? Will he still want to make out with me like he did last time? Those butterflies are fun (and yet torturous at the same time!) but they aren’t really “love”.
As relationships develop, the unknowns become less, and that loopy, jittery feeling is replaced by one thats deeper, and - dare I say it? - calming. Like comfort food on a stormy night.
So sure, the butterfly feeling is fun in the dating stage, but I believe it represents the emotional risk you’re taking by getting involved, rather than a measure of the emotional depth of the relationship.
Now, if we were discussing LUST, I’d have a completely different comment, so work up a post about THAT, will ya?
sigh.