He Dropped A Bomb On Me – A Baby January 14, 2007
Posted by charmingbutsingle in Dating, Men, Tales of Online Dating.trackback
Note: This is long. But after you read it, you’ll understand why. I promise.
So, I happened to be online last night. Unable to sleep and bored by my Grey’s Anatomy DVDs, I logged online to kill some time until my eyelids became heavy.
The Nurse sent me an IM – which was kind of nuts since he pretty much dropped off of the face of the earth. And he starts in with how he’s starting his official nursing job tomorrow and why am I up so late on a Sunday, etc.
I talked to him, but to say that I wasn’t at least a touch confused would be an understatement. Why now? After ignoring numerous drunken text messages from me and seeing me in public and not speaking to me? Crazy.
We exchanged pleasantries and he said that he figured I’d never want to speak to him again and that he was a jerk and that he was sorry. And we had one of those talks that you can have after you’ve really gotten all of the hurt out, when you can be honest and while it still stings, it doesn’t crush you.
Then he dropped the bomb.
“I made a mistake. And now I’m going to be a dad.”
I blinked when I saw those words.
“It wasn’t the way I wanted it to happen, but oh well.”
I blinked again.
“You were wonderful. You are wonderful.”
“What?”
“The woman you saw me with is pregnant.”
And I remembered. The grocery store. About six weeks after he’d dropped me. He was with a woman. I’d assumed she was his mother because she looked older.
She was his girlfriend. His now-pregnant 29-year-old girlfriend.
He went on to tell me that’d he’d really missed me. But he’d made a mistake.
“I do miss those eyes, though.”
“Eyes?” I said.
“You have pretty eyes. I miss those eyes.”
“That’s cute,” I said. “But forgive me if I don’t believe it.”
“Oh if only you knew.”
“I made an ass out of myself,” I said. “I don’t normally chase.”
“You didn’t make an ass out of yourself. I was a prick. But you do have a nice booty.”
We kept talking. I don’t know why.
“I wanted to call,” he said. “Maybe if I had …”
“What would you have said?”
“That’s the tough part.”
“I really liked you. You didn’t seem into having a relationship.”
“I wasn’t, it just happened.”
“With who? With me? You call that a relationship?” I asked.
“No, with Her. It just happened.”
He went on to tell me that he wasn’t planning on staying with Her. He was going to have the child and be in its life, but he wouldn’t be with Her if he hadn’t gotten her pregnant.
“I wanted to be with someone. Like an adult. Not just drinking in bars,” I said. “I guess I didn’t articulate that well.”
“You only seemed to text message after drinking at bars.”
“I thought that was what you wanted. You were busy with school and I was trying to not be a big demand on your time.”
He is right. I didn’t ask for what I wanted – I was too scared of being hurt to put myself out there and say, “[Nurse] I want a relationship. I expect a relationship.” I was so worried that he’d deny me this and that he’d think I was nuts.
Hearing that he didn’t understand what I’d wanted from him didn’t make me feel much better. I wanted to be able to blame him for everything that went wrong. But I was part of the problem. And I knew that.
We talked about me having my tonsils out. About how he felt bad because he knew I was sick and having surgery and he didn’t call. Still. About how She hates vegetables and thinks instant potatoes are better than homemade garlic mashed potatoes and how he’s watching her diet to watch out for the baby because she’d turn it into a fast food junkie.
“I don’t eat mashed potatoes anymore. Or popsicles,” I said, noting that I’d eaten a lot of both after my surgery.
“I might have to make you real mashed potatoes with the skins on. Maybe in a year if you’re not in love with someone else.” he said.
“Hah.”
“What was that ‘Hah’ for? Like you wouldn’t ever be in the same room with me?”
“Just Hah.”
“Won’t commit one way or the other, huh?”
“I’ve got to look out for myself. Can’t go around getting hurt again.”
All of this was a bit much for me. Part of me wanted to cry because I finally knew the truth. And because I wondered what would have happened if I’d forced the issue of us dating. Or if he had called. If either one of us had done what we’d really wanted to do in our hearts.
He said it was time for him to go to sleep – something I knew I wouldn’t do for hours after this conversation.
“Good night. Remember that you are beautiful and you deserve a decent guy.”
“I never doubted that,” I said.
This was a lie, but in this situation, I think you just have to fake it until you make it.
Kerist on a Kracker C! Be it resolved: You really need to be meeting a better class of guys this year. Not these no account losers who don’t know what they want out of life save for the next good time this coming weekend. Seriously. It just gives you the shivers. Generations are lost to this type of aimless wandering. And Nursey is at the top of his particular food chain in that he’s got the prospect of a decent paying steady job, right? Just amazing. Thanks for the insights though. Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’
I think you were dignified in the face of frankly an astounding situation. Good on you.
Nurse sounds incredibly confused. Without wishing to be faecetious, surely as a nurse he must have some knowledge of what gets people pregnant, so why is it a mistake humn??? but anyway…
I know how it can be really hard to open up to guys and tell them what you want for fear of rejection (I’m always being told I’m too flippant when inside I’m actually sobbing). Maybe that’s something to work on.
But in the meantime, may 2007 bring you a new man who appreciates you and who is witty amusing etc.
And as for Nurse. “You’re well out of that one” (as we Brits say).
Holy crap! I’m most appalled. . .not that Nurse got a girl pregnant and/or engaged in some other ridiculous behavior that made him unwilling to return your phone calls (let’s face it, WHAT the behavior is. . .what is EVER is. . .is irrelevant. . .just that men are fuckwits who behave in this manner and drop off the face of the earth when you think you’re dating, is all that matters). . .but I’m MOST appalled that his 29-year-old girlfriend you took to be his mother! Girlfriend! Head straight to your Clinique counter or (it may be too late for that) plastic surgeon’s office RIGHT NOW. You’re 29! You should not be mistaken for your 20-something-whatever boyfriend’s MOTHER.
Now, excuse me, I’m going to go apply eye cream. . .
London Girl — Seriously, he claims that they thought she was sterile and that she didn’t get pregnant when she was married and trying. I flat out told him that he knew better than that and that she SAID she couldn’t get pregnant. I wouldn’t be surprised if she decided that she was 29 and wanted to have a kid, so she told some lie about being unable to have children.
Jax — Well, he claims she’s three months along, which means that it is possible that he didn’t sleep with us both at the same time. So, I don’t think he was offering up the “She is pregnant” excuse as a reason for not calling in August. I think it is more of a reason for not calling in, say, October. But still. And I didn’t get that good of a look at her and I can’t remember if I had my glasses on … but yeah, I didn’t think she was 29. But I was also looking through the eyes of the scorned … oh, and not to be rude, but I found her on MySpace (wasn’t hard) and I feel confident in saying (as bitchy as this may sound) that I am prettier. Or maybe that is just the scorned talking again …
charming, I don’t know you and I probably never will (I live in the northeast and travel little!) but Oh!My!Lord! That was both reassuring and painful- reassuring because now you know (well, mostly, I suppose) why the silence, etc. painful because as you said, it means you can look back and ask what if I tried harder- I do the latter a lot, and it IS painful and hard and while all the self-help books out there tell you not to, they never actually tell you HOW not to. But hey, you learnt and in the next relationship, you’ll be able to ask for what you want. Good luck! - M
We need parenting licenses. How is it that two such worthless people are reproducing, without any sort of check-and-balances? What kind of parents are these losers going to be?
The Nurse sees it as “a mistake” and is probably hoping and praying daily for a miscarriage - or worse, he’s so apathetic he doesn’t even care one way or the other, just whatever, man… (He was around before I started reading regularly, so I don’t know his whole story, but he has not impressed me so far). And Her?!? Manipulating, lying b!tch who scams a guy into getting her pregnant.
Honey, I’m 29 myself, hitting 30 in less than six months and counting, and I’ve wanted a baby since I was old enough to understand the concept of parenthood. Unfortunately for me, I understand the concept of parenthood - which is why I’m not going to scam any guy into giving me his seed.
Hwy do people not get that “having a baby” involves bringing into this world A BABY, a live, living, breathing, demanding human being??? It’s not a whim or an inconvenience or “a mistake.” It’s going to be a person. If you can’t deal with that, there are systems in place - before, during, and after the pregnancy - to take care of it for you.
Sorry to get on the soapbox, but this topic gets to me. I’m a teacher, which means I get to see these “mistakes” and what the parents do to screw these poor innocent kids over.
It also bothers me that I’m still sitting here, alone and childless, when I’d be a much better mother (and wife) than any of those skanks.
PS - Block all contact with The Nurse - he’s going to be calling/IM’ing you asking for an affair soon. Take precautions now. (If he’s “with her” now, then he is going to marry her. Because he’s spineless, apparently. Beware.)
He’s an even bigger jerk/morron than I had assumed and him IMing you “out of the blue” just confirms it. He’s in a jam and doesn’t even have the maturity to just deal so he`s falling back on good sweet you Charming. I`m insulted -for you- that you lost sleep over this. You`re right, what a bomb, how inconsiderate of him to share this impossible situation with you. Poor kids (him & the baby), what kind of future can he offer this baby? He`s flirting with you… through IM, behind the Mom’s back!!!! Just be happy you`re not in HER shoes.
As far as dating goes- I am one of those lucky b****es that met an amazing jem online & married him. So yes, it does happen. There are normal, grounded, attractive people out there that are still single but ready for a real old-fashioned relationship. I often wondered if some people (me) were not just forgotten by the whole love-marriage-babies thing, that they just fell through the cracks. But it happened all of a sudden & I don`t think life is so cruel that it would leave you out Charming.
Criss — Let’s back off of calling this woman I don’t know worthless. I said (in the comments) that it was a theory of mine that she maybe misled about the “I can’t get pregnant” thing. I only think this because when I said, “She TOLD you she couldn’t get pregnant,” insinuating that this was a possible mistruth, he didn’t disagree. So either he didn’t want to discuss it or he might have had the same thought himself. (Why he would have unprotected sex with her, I don’t know. He is a freaking medical professional!)
Anyway, it was perhaps irresponsible for me to insinuate things about her that I don’t know to be true.
Really I would rather if we’d all place our anger squarely on The Nurse. Thanks. ;P
WOW. Well, it can’t be easy, but if you can internalize the good from this convo (you are super great!) and avoid the inevitable questions (what would have happend if…), then hopefully you’ll come out happier in the end.
And great last line–perfect ending to the IMing!
“Good night. Remember that you are beautiful and you deserve a decent guy.”
“I never doubted that,” I said.
This was a lie, but in this situation, I think you just have to fake it until you make it.
Yes. Definitely and whole-heartedly, yes. I’ve come to find that if you fake it long enough, you start to believe it.
“fake it until you make it.” truer words girl…truer words!
you know .. It’s insane i was dating a Doctor, and he got a woman pregnant, just when you were with the nurse.. thats how i got hooked on your blog. And to find out now, that .. you know the same thing is going on with you .. it’s like i’m living your life month in advance (my guys baby was born on Nov. and he imed me to tell me he didn’t think it was his baby blah blah)
I hate boys!
oooh! I want to see this womans pic! she is 29 and looks 50 .. I wanna see her!!
Wow. That’s quite a bomb. Hooray for IM - I’m sure you never would have had that conversation face to face. No matter the outcome it’s nice to know what the hell happened.
Tell you what though, I’d rather be in your shoes than his. I feel a bit sorry for him.
Sorry if I was a little too harsh earlier - I read your post this morning after watching The Last Kiss last night, so I was already in a foul mood about irresponsible people having babies when this world does have something called “birth control.” I know accidents happen, I’ve been there myself, but come on! (Again, there are options available before, during and after.)
Given the information you were given about her, it does seem to me that she was less-than-honest about her fertility et al to The Nurse (besides, if she’s divorced, 29, not-so-hot and looks older, I can see how her prospects were looking pretty bleak - I’m divorced, 29, attractive and I look younger, and I get pretty down in the dumps about my situation). Now he, as a supposed medical professional, should have known toask more about it, or something! You’d figure…
However, who says The Nurse is telling the truth? It does sound like he’s using “the baby” as an excuse to not have called you even though you’ve done the math and the dates don’t match up; if he’s lying about that, why would he be truthful about anything else?
(That poor baby still has a sad future ahead of it, though. Ugh.)
Criss — To be clear, what I told you? Was totally me being a bitch. Totally. A bitch. That’s me. The bitch who is pissed that her ex whatever decided to be all “You’re great! You’re pretty! I got my next girlfriend pregnant! We should hang out in a year if you’re not with anyone!”
So, let’s all just keep that in mind …
Also, he was more than honest about the time frame. It would have been at least six weeks after we’d last been together. And he never said he didn’t call because she was pregnant. Never never. He didn’t know what to say when he called because things had just stopped. And then she got pregnant and he REALLY didn’t know what to say.
So, just to clarify.
Dear God people, I’m defending someone I kind of dislike strongly.
Ok Charming, I think you need 400ccs of “dude reality speak” STAT! Im sorry, but this is a last ditch effort by a dude that fucked up by thinking of you as a piece of ass, then fucked up by impregnating another broad, and now is realizing that you were more than a warm spot on a cold night and trying to make amends. If you fall for this crap, you are gullible - plain and simple. This is the crap I dont get about women. This dude is obviously lame and thinks he is too good for the likes of you except at 1am on a Fri/Sat night and you still turn around and buy into this whole “woe is me” bullshit. As a guy, I guess I find it insulting that a woman as articulate as you, who seems to dissect every living situation by the minute, falls for this type of bullshit. Here’s an idea… Go out and find a nice NORMAL guy that has a decent job, acts normal around you and your friends, and enjoys being around you. You seem like a nice enough person (outside of airing your personal life/dirty laundry for the cyberworld to see) that you deserve a nice guy who knows how to treat a woman.
Dude, what would make you think that I was going to get back with this guy? In what way did I buy in to his bull? Because I clarified some things in the comments? I was honest. I was confused. I wondered what would have happened had he called. But never did I ever say I’d get back with him. To wit: “I’ve got to look out for myself. Can’t go around getting hurt again.”
I mean really. Give. Me. A. Break.
And if you think I’m such a terrible person for “airing [my] personal life/dirty laundry for the cyberworld to see,” then moooooove along.
*sigh* Charming, you are right. Anon clearly didn’t pay attention and doesn’t believe what you’ve said. If you can’t listen, why comment?
As far as it being a “long” post, they never seem that long when they’re in conversation format. Well done.
Charming, calm down. We’re here with you. I think you’re thinking too much and complicated the situation. Take a deep breath, take a nice warm bath and go do something that will make you laugh.
Wow. Boys are just dumb. And stupid.
this post makes me want a cigarette.
i bet that was a really hard conversation to have. i can’t imagine having one like that with Repo. it would mess with me, big time.
holy shit, dude. the whole thing is just…crazy.
here’s to dodging bullets!
Ok, I may have misinterpreted your state of mind with your post so I apologize if I missed the point. It just seemed as if you felt like “now” it had to be over between you and this guy, rather than long ago when he didnt care to return calls, etc.
As for airing dirty laundry part… I never said you were a “terrible person”. I just think that if I was a guy dating you, Id probably be put off if you were discussing details of our relationship with a number of total strangers who dont really know me or you for that matter (I could be making a general statement here, but I hope you get what Im saying). Id probably like it more if I knew you were into seeing me and making decisions based on your gut feelings not compiling advice from others.
I still think your a nice person, as I stated before and I enjoy your writing. Rock on.
Anon — I think it was just a lot of closure. I didn’t ever plan to see him again — drunk text messages aside, I knew he didn’t want me. In fact, the other day I was cleaning out my text message inbox and I realized I still had all of his texts and deleted them all.
I guess I misinterpreted what you meant, but when you say something is nice, “outside of …” that translates as “You’re a nice enough person, except for …” Sorry if I overeacted, but I get cranky sometimes.
I don’t know how I’d balance the blog with a serious relationship. I’ll have to cross that bridge when I get there. And trust me when I tell you that I ignore a good portion of the advice people leave here — regardless of if it is good or not. I’m pretty hard headed and I always assume that I know better. “Those people don’t even KNOW me!” I think. ;P
And really, I don’t always want advice — people give it and I read it, but really some days I grumble about it. And don’t we all “compile” opinions about our relationships and lives in one way or another? Via e-mail/convos with friends and family?
Also, you’d be amazed the stuff I leave out. Amazed. ;P
Dewd(ette). I just ran across your blog by accident. Sounds like you need to learn to communicate better (obviously). Then, leave the bar scene alone, go to South Africa or Eastern Europe and find you a nice, loving, God-fearing man with a good job and no kids.
Cheers!
Chin — Seriously? I’m not moving to another continent to find a man. For crying out loud, people. Also, “God fearing?” Do I sound like I go for the “God fearing” type?
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