Sadness turns to rage (sort of) January 16, 2007
Posted by charmingbutsingle in Dating, Men, Tales of Online Dating.trackback
Sunday night was a bit of a wake-up call. First, I curled up under the blankets and wondered if I should cry or punch a hole in the wall. I’m unsure was to why hearing that an ex had impregnated the next woman he’d dated after me made me so mad – I think it was all of the groveling and the “you have beautiful eyes” and the “you truly do not know how much I’ve missed you.”
By Monday morning my sadness and confusion has pretty much become anger. I convened my girlfriends for coffee and gossip. They had predictable reactions – what a jerk for telling you, what a moron for not being more careful, what a loser for acting like he missed you. Also, a lot of, “Whatever you do, don’t ever ever ever see him again ever.”
I’m not angry because he got someone else pregnant. I’m angry because he’d acted as if I’d be around to hang out in a few months, once he was passed all of this baby unpleasantness, or whatever. (Unpleasantness was my word, not his.) As if I’d forget how he treated me, forget how I felt unwanted.
At first I thought The Nurse was 100 percent right when he said I didn’t act like I wanted a relationship. But the more I really think about it, the more I think that is partially just him making excuses for his actions. We talked about if he was dating other people and I told him I wasn’t. I had to all but beg him to take me out. He claims I only wanted to see him after I’d been out at bars, but I inquired a lot about what he was doing at other times – he was working or studying or had other plans.
He pushed me away. And I stood for it. And I shouldn’t have. All of those times when the voice in the back of my head said, “Tell him. Teeeeell hiiiiiim,” I should have listened.
I feel like I’ve lost my way with men. That said, I think I’m going on a man detox for now. I’ve lost my way. I’m settling for less than I deserve and want. I’ve got to get back on track so I don’t keep making the same mistakes over and over again.
OK. So you learned something – maybe valid, maybe not. Just don’t beat yourself up too much over it.
I think you might have stumbled on something useful, but don’t blow it out of proportion. And don’t automatically assume that it was you not willing to stand up for yourself….
You probably did. But you probably just fell victiim to something we all have: Hope. And a forgiving nature.
don’t beat yourself up for having hope.
But some good introspection is always in order – especially if you suspect yourself of making the same mistakes over and over.
Besides, they always say when you quit looking for prince charming, he comes and runs you over with his pony.
signed,
just another single woman spending her dating life going “WTF??” more often than not.
Seconding what baxter’s mom said, don’t be too hard on yourselves. You did nothing wrong.
You’re definitely back on the right track, don’t settle for anything less than you deserve and want. Good attitude. That’s what I expected from you.
I’m with Baxterwatch. I think that having a forgiving and hopeful nature isn’t a bad thing, even if, occasionally, gits take advantage of it.
Don’t beat yourself up too much. A man detox isn’t a bad idea. I’d try and do lots of non alcohol related fun things that make you happy, be it going to a roller disco, fooling around at a “decorate your own plate” ceramic shop or going shopping. Whatever floats your boat.
But honestly, I don’t think it’s you. It’s him.
I think it’s safe to say that we all have gone through this sort of situation one way or another. We think we are playing it safe.. and then we end up playing the what if game which never leads to anything productive. I’m glad that you learned something from this and hope that you are not like me who didn’t learn the first time…
As cliche as it may be remember that the meaning of insanity is DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT EXPECTING DIFFERENT RESULTS…
Keep hoping because your prince will one day come. =)
Detox is a good idea; better to be happy in your own skin than miserable with someone who doesn’t deserve you.
You’ll find your prince, Charming. Or more appropriately, your prince will find you. Don’t sweat the wait (and you may even want to strike the “!” from your profile, for that matter…you’re still young!), it’ll be worth it.
He definitely sounds like someone best left in the past. Good for you for trying to learn from your experiences and trying to move forward!
I agree with all the above comments. A man detox is a good idea. I think I’m going to do one as well! And hang in there, after all these jerky guys, the right one will be worth the wait.
Oh man. I was just writting something related today. I know how you must be feeling; at least I think you’ll learn from this (very VERY cliche but also very VERY true)
gah! I just read the last 2 posts!
He is such a Jerk (understatement)
I hope that you dont contact him again like your friend said.
Somehow we know that these guys are jerks but we refuse to listen to ourselves. And somehow they know they have/ had some hold on us and all it is to them is an ego thing. When things dont go right for them they know they can/ could count on us to give their ego a boost. I really feel for you – what an emotional tie – and I am glad your saddness has turned to anger!
I watched a movie this weekend – wanted a cheesy light hearted one – and I got one – but it shed some enlightenment to why great gals put up with crap haha. I would recommend it despite its mushy typical hollywood feel. Kate Winslet has a good quote from there. Its calle “The Holiday” also starring Cameron Diaz
From everything you’ve written, it seems clear that he was the one refusing to act. He made himself totally unavailable while still giving you enough rope to keep climbing. Now he’s with someone else and probably scared and confused (babies are scaring and confusing, say my friends who’ve had ‘em) and just trying to figure out how he got where he is. Or so it seems from where I’m sitting.
A break is a good thing. Ironically, it’s always then that guys seem to come out of nowhere (and everywhere).
And hey, at least you had a way with men. I’ve always been totally clueless and am just now learning how to Date Like an Adult.
Charming,
I’m sharing your sadness. I broke up with someone nearly a year ago, and since we’d dated only abt 4 months, we’ve been apart longer now than we were together. And I actually think I’m over him. . or, I did, until I met a friend last night who’d just gone through a bad breakup and listening to her made me feel so sad for myself all over again. Somewhere at the back of my mind, I know that I didn’t even want my ex when I had him, and yet today, I managed to go through just about every sweet memory we had together (and not any of the bad ones, unsurprisingly) and say more than one prayer that he’d get in touch. But really, even when we were together, I knew he wasn’t The One, and yet I forget so easily from day to day now, and I’ll be honest when I say it’s stopped me from dating anyone or even showing interest. I’m confused why I’m not moving on when part of me recognises I don’t want to move backwards anyway. But I know what you mean by sadness- I’m not angry (not today anyway, but some days I’m raging mad at him) but I’m just terribly, terribly sad. As for the man-fast- I’ve been on that for about 10 months now and it doesn’t seem to be helping, so I wish you better luck
Bloody Hell.
I’m away three days and all this crazy shit happens!
Sounds to me like he wanted to put all of his shock onto you, once he got you all juiced up he could then feel free to trivialise the whole ‘unpleasant’ situation. Classic ‘boy’ move.
I’m sorry it all makes you feel so shitty, it will for a while and then it just won’t.
Man detox is a good idea but having tried one of those myself I find that as soon as you say you’re on one something gorgeous and irresistible wanders by and it all goes to pot. Good luck with it though. It’s the thought that counts I reckon.
Lola x
This post is exactly what I was trying to say in my comment on the last post. Dropping the “nice eyes, nice ass” lines after laying out all the drama is a dick move. As I said before, its a last ditch effort to make himself feel better by thinking that he will have a chance with you later on after the drama has subsided. There is absolutely no care for your feelings at all.
As for your dating woes, sometimes you gotta get right with you before you get right with others. Maybe its a good idea to stop thinking about that stuff for awhile and just go out and have a good time with your friends? Oh, and definitely dont remove alcohol. That would be no fun at all!
something like this happened to me too years ago and much worse. So much worse that I don’t think I could even type it here.
I agree with you about the man detox. I am currently taking a long hiatus from online dating.
Good for you and your detox idea. That sounds like a healthy and smart decision and I’m going to try to do the same. You do deserve someone much better than that.
P.S. I’ve been reading through your archives lately and I thought you should know your posts are addictive. You write so well and I can identify with a lot of what you have to say.
I love your blog, would you mind if i linked you to mine?
good blog. i think you should be glad you’re not that girl having his baby b/c that would mean you would be stuck with that loser for the rest of your life! well i just thought that might a sivler lining ^_^
yeah he is a loser.
Mariney — You can totally link to me. I’ll add a link to you as well … blogroll updating is one of my weekend goals!
I think the Nurse is full of shit for saying that he didn’t think you wanted a relationship; most guys, I think, assume and know that most girls DO, in fact, want a relationship and not just to be their wanton slut.
However: what the Nurse SAID was, “You didn’t act like you wanted a relationship”; what I HEARD was “You’ve allowed me to treat you like a random, whenver-I’m-available hookup, so I thought you were cool with it.” And believe you me, that IS exactly what he meant. Charming, if I may be frank and if you can ignore that whiny, know-it-all, “I know what you’re going through because I read your blog and it’s so clear I was once like you” tone, I think I have some really good advice to share. Women don’t realize that it is completely within their power to set the tone of relationships. You let a guy call you only when he’s out at a bar, come over only when drunk, call and make plans only at the last minute, and he will treat you as a last-minute hook-up. (Conversely, a guy who REALLY likes you will never treat you that way.)
So, cue, a guy who KIND OF likes you–but not in a long-term girlfriend–kind of way, comes along and engages in the above-listed behavior, and the woman being treated in such a way whines, “I don’t get it. Why doesn’t he know I really want to be DATED and COURTED? Doesn’t he know it’s not ok to make plans at the last minute? I mean, I’ll let it slide this 1 (which becomes 5, 6, and 7) time(s), but he really needs to call and make plans in advance and ask me on a “date” next week.” A: Yes, he knows. He knows perfectly well. And he knows you’re not requiring it of him. If you don’t demand the most respectful behavior from the very beginning–you won’t get it. And if you try to demand that respectful behavior half way through, he’ll probably blow you off. You see, he probably didn’t like you well enough to “date” you in the first place. . .otherwise, HE WOULD’VE.
I’ve said all that to say: Men are not rocket scientists. They do not play “hide the ball” with how much they like a woman. If they do, you will know, he will make it obvious, he wants you to know, and you will not, NOT, spend agonizing nights tucked under your covers wondering why he’s behaving in such an odd way and wouldn’t he just change if I give him 1 (read:
more chance(s). No. No. Emphatically, no. If a guy likes you in the romantic sense, he will never do these things. He will DATE you. And if he’s not dating you (read: calling in advance to make plans because he cannot wait to anticipate the next time he will see you), he’s probably just F%$@#%^$@ you.
Don’t stand for that shit, Charming. You’re better than that. And if I read one blog a day written by women who don’t get this very simple premise, I read 100, and it frustrates me to no end because, to me, you are all SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT. Irish and I, in law school, when we were living this crap, came up with a simple premise to illustrate this point: the minute you have to stop and ask yourself, “what is he thinking??” you’ve gone too far. We laughed because, ha, ha, men are too dumb, they AREN’T thinking, but I’ve realized as I’ve gotten older that really, if you have to ask yourself WHAT IS HE DOING/THINKING? it’s because he’s not doing it RIGHT, ergo, he doesn’t like you enough. A man who is looking at you thinking, this could be someone I could really love, will NEVER, EVER, EVER act in the ways that the Nurse did. And any man who does. . .just wants to sleep with you.