The Most Charmingest Future Spinster Ever January 28, 2007
Posted by charmingbutsingle in Dating, Family, Random Musings on Life.trackback
“So, they’re thinking July.”
My Mother was unloading her packages from the grocery store Friday evening, as I stood barefoot in her kitchen. After a full day of work, I’d been at a meeting for a nonprofit I’m working with (Because, you know, I have enough free time and, um, knowledge to be on the board of a nonprofit, right? Sure!) and it was near to their house, so I’d stopped by. She’d invited me to stay for dinner and as I had plans and no intentions of making plans, I’d accepted.
“They’re getting married in July?” I asked her.
“Yes, they’re getting married in July. Or so Your Brother says.”
“Did I miss the part where My Brother asked My Future Sister In Law to marry him?”
“He called me from the jewelry store just a few minutes ago.”
“Oh. My. God.”
My heart began to beat faster. As I breathed in, I heard a voice in the back of my head say, “Your younger brother is getting married.”
I breathed out and the voice said, “In six months or so.”
I breathed in and the voice reminded me. “Your younger brother is getting married. In six months or so. Before you.”
Mom interrupted my thoughts – “Do you not think he should get married?”
“Oh! No! I DO think he should get married. I mean, she is wonderful and she keeps him grounded and they are obviously in love and they’ve been dating for like five years and they have lived together so they know that it isn’t always easy. And I think she is great and he should snap her right up and I am very very very happy for them…” I was speaking very quickly to drown out the nagging voice that was repeating “In six months or so …”
“So? What’s the problem?”
“Mom, my 24-year-old brother is getting married BEFORE me. In six months. I probably won’t even have a date. In six months, I will OFFICIALLY be the Unmarried Spinster Older Sister.”
“Nonsense! Your Younger Sister is still in high school! She has years before she gets married. So you have years before you’ll be the Spinster!”
“MOM!” I yelped, horrified. The voice in the back of my head was yelling now, “IN SIX MONTHS OR SO …”
“What?” I think she meant to crack a joke about my sister (currently age 17) marrying before I do. Clearly My Mother, the oldest child in her family who married My Father (also the oldest child in his family) when they were both 21, had underestimated my emotions about being beat to the altar by one or more of my younger siblings.
Being The Oldest means you do things first. You ride your bike first. You get your first kiss first. You go to high school first. You drive and go to prom and enroll in college first.
You also fall off of the bike first and get your heart broken first and have the first big fights with your parents. You disappoint them first. You please them first. And they lessen or strengthen their grasp on your younger siblings based on all of the things that you, The Oldest Child, do first.
This is the role of Oldest Children. We test the waters first. And then we motion our Younger Siblings in to the pool and watch them and hope they don’t drown and do our best to save them when they get in trouble and warn them when they’re going too far into the deep end.
Being the Oldest Child means you are a trailblazer. You set the tone and raise the bar and only after you do things are your younger siblings to do something. And though my oldest child friends have assured me that I am a professional woman who works hard and that this is the trail I am blazing, I know they’d all be crushed to be the Unmarried Spinster Older Sibling at their own younger siblings weddings.
Back in my parents’ kitchen on Friday evening, I was mortified.
“Mom! That was the WRONG answer. You were supposed to say, “Oh dear, you are fabulous. YOU will NEVER be a SPINSTER!’”
Hey. Being the oldest does mean that you’re the trailblazer. So you’ll be the first in your family NOT to get married too damned young. K?
Love and support from the non-married non-spinster in London.
Lx
I am the oldest of three too. I always joke that my 19 year old brother would get married first, though I would probably kill myself if that ever happened. But, six months is a long ways away. You never know what the stars have in store for you!
It’s all semantics. You aren’t a spinster, you are a fabulous, single young woman.
I have to go to a wedding this weekend for a friend. Alone. I do feel your pain.
I’m the younger of two, so lemme just put something out there from the perspective of the younger sibling.
Shortly after I started dating X, I emailed her picture to both sets of my grandparents (as they live nowhere near me and I wanted them to meet her). My grandma on my dad’s side sent back a humorous little reply (paraphrased here):
“Hi [Ric],
I’m so happy to hear that you’ve found a nice girl. She looks very pretty. Now, your cousin and his wife don’t have anything on the radar, your other cousin seems to be a lost cause, and your sister hasn’t found a nice guy yet, so you’re my last, best hope. GET STARTED! I want me some great-grandkids!”
No pressure.
A couple years later my cousin and his wife have a son, my other cousin got married and she and her husband have a son, my sister started dating a guy regularly, and I’m the only grandchild who’s single. Granted, I’m the youngest of the lot, but….
A Spinster you will not be, I’m sure, C. While your younger brother may get married before you do, big deal! You’re only 27–I know people who didn’t get married until their 30s, and they’re happily married with kids. Not the end of the earth by any means.
Charming, you know how wonderful you are. You know that you don’t need a man or husband or wedding ring to complete your life, or make you happy. There is no way you’ll ever be a spinster. Many people as they age say they don’t even think life really begins until 30, or 40, or beyond. One day we’ll look back on these insecurities and personal crises and laugh at how silly we were, like we do now looking back at the tragedies of our childhoods.
If, in six months, for some reason you don’t have a romantic date, you can always take Prom Date or any other good friend to keep you company and commiserate on the suckiness of going to a wedding alone. ; )
Just remember, the longer you wait, the more you’ll appreciate it when it does happen. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. My 23 (almost 24) year old sister (who has been married for 3 years) just had a baby. It stings a little knowing I didn’t get there first, but I’m enjoying my life too much as it is right now. And I’m sure you are too.
Charming, you’re fabulous. You will NEVER be a SPINSTER!
ps- as an amusing side note, my husband (we’re both 26) says he’s just now stopped getting the “Oh poor you, did you knock her up or something?” looks when he tells people he’s married. Apparently here in California it’s a crime to get married before you’re, like, 30 yrs old.
I am 28, the oldest, and I recently got engaged. I am the first one in my family to do so (and that includes not only siblings but cousins as well). I understand where you’re coming from, because for a long time before I got engaged, I was terrified that my younger sister would beat me to it, and I would imagine all the pity looks I’d get at her engagement party, shower, wedding, etc that I was still unmarried. However, there is definitely something to be said for letting someone else trailblaze this particular path for you. My finace and I have all kinds of expectations laid on us for our wedding by over-eager, competitive, opinionated parents. Right now, I really do wish that my sister had had all these fights and smoothed the path for me. Keep your chin up…and oh yeah, enjoy the hell out of getting to be the hot bridesmaid and/or sister of the groom
you are not going to be a spinster! you’re fabulous darling! Plus, spinsters don’t have such great shoes..;-)
Yep, woe is you. You’ll have plenty of company though, right?
[http://sandwichgirl.livejournal.com/]. Oh the things you could do if only… Cheers & Good Luck! ‘VJ’
Spinster, shminster. I’m 40, my sisters are 51 & 56. My middle sister was the first to marry (at 18) and they’re still going strong. I was the second one to marry, at 20, and my oldest sister officially tied the knot 2 years ago with the man she’d been living with for nearly 30 years. But I, being the youngest, have blazed my own trail, as I’m the first to be divorced, and at this stage of their game, I’m assuming I’ll be the only divorced sister. I look at it as a combination of the luck of the draw and choices I made in my life that have led me to this point. Sometimes we need to put ourselves in compartments & label them. Then we say yup, that’s me, and it’s a small part of who I am, it cannot begin to define the complex, beautiful, fabulous spirited woman that I am. So live in the moment, Charming, you ARE blazing a trail…especially for that 17-year-old who is lucky enough to have such an awesome role model right before her.
I’m 25, and I have a fabulous, adorable, hysterical, 4 year old nephew, T. He is my younger (23 year old) brother’s son. Despite the fact that my brother isn’t married, and that the news of T’s arrival was not welcomed with open arms, I couldn’t help but feel a pang of envy the first time I went to see him in the hospital. My baby was the one who was supposed to call my parents “Gramma” and “Grampy.” I would lay in front of a train for that kid, and any reservations about T have long been forgotten. Yet, sometimes I feel that sting. My brother took a First that I deserved. And when I have a baby, my parents won’t feel the same way about him or her as they did/do about T. So, I hear where you’re coming from.
I’m trying to figure out who is more old-fashioned, you or your mom. Because your mom didn’t seem to be making a big deal out of you not being married yet. Some popular-media-30-something-single-girl caricature with a Bridget-Jones-esque chant popped into your head telling you to agonize over not being married before your younger sibling. It seems like your mom used the Victorian term “spinster” as a joke, to show you where your head is at.
Don’t fret.
My younger brother is going to marry b/f me. It happens to the best of us!
Uggghhhh. I’ve had to stop reading my college alumni magazine notes because it’s all–he got married, she got married, they had a kid, and hey–you’re way behind!
Thanks for all of the kind words, everyone.
M — Seriously. I have that SAME EXACT THOUGHT about children! I thought I was just being selfish. It is just that I am not only the oldest child, but I am the oldest grandchild on both sides. I am so glad I’m not the only one who thinks that way.
Cute Jewess — You should read my HIGH SCHOOL alumni magazine. I actually read it over the phone with my two good friends from high school and we giggle. Because our classmates? List EVERYTHING they do. Like, “Jane Smith was the second assistant vice chair of rules for her sorority.” So you can imagine how many wedding and baby announcements we get. (Which is depressing since I went to mega small all girls high school. Whatev!) Running into girls from high school? Is nuts. NUTS. Lots of idle moving of the hands to show off the big rings, etc. Oh, just WAIT to my reunion next year. You think I’m stressed out about my impending Spinsterhood now? YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
Oh, yes indeedy. I’m the oldest brother of three siblings. And single. And, thankfully, an uncle. While, at 34, I have no problem with singlehood, I do admit to feeling genuine relief when my younger sister had a young’n and released me from the subtle hints that mothers drop involving the “You selfish bastard, why haven’t you made me a grandparent yet I was in labor with you for 8 months and now you don’t even have the common decency to find a nice girl and, y’know, do it” look during visits. As for the 27-year old you whipping out the word spinster, I’m throwing the “hogwash” card. I feel perfectly safe in saying that being single is infinitely better than being attached matrimonially to a moron and praying for the sweet release of death’s icy kiss. A female friend married one of the aforementioned morons not long after mutttering the words “spinster” and “fear” in the same sentence to me, then divorced him after a couple years. The grass is occassionally moldy on the other side of some fences.
Honey. Oh honey, honey, honey. When I was in my 20’s, I was the WORST about not being married. We’re talking nights of dirty martinis alone watching “The Wedding Story” marathons on TLC. Yeah. Dark days. My brother got married, all my friends got married (yes, all. I do not have a single girlfriend to speak of.) and then soon began baby making. This was ALL IN MY 20’s.
Now, I am 31, soon to be 32 and have just recently started dating a great man I have known for four years. Unless something goes HORRIBLY wrong, we will be engaged this year and I will be shlepping my life from CA to MI with nothing but a huge smile on my face for a man that, in my 20’s, I would have thought wrong, complicated, not- perfect-enough-for-little-old-me.
I will not ever not ever EVER give you the “your time will come, a little age brings wisdom” drivel that we’ve all heard time and time again but I will just say this: I was not ready for my boyfriend in my 20’s. As strong and independent (and self-aware) as I am, it really took me to 30 to get to know me and feel comfortable with a little muffin top and a few extra dollars in my bank account.
It took some time to get to know the fabulous me. And Charming? As fab as you are, honey, it’s bound to take a little time. Be kind to yourself. We got your back.
Well, I’m 33 and still single with no prospects of any kind. You aren’t alone. The one good thing I have is that I’m an only child so there are no siblings for me to be compared to.
A spinster doesn’t spend all day shopping for sexy shoes.
omigoodness. I am the oldest and my sister dated at a younger age and married at a younger age and divorced at a younger age. Didn’t bother me then…why not? Because I realized it wasn’t the right time for me. I had met some fellows who wanted to marry me but I didn’t, couldn’t respect them, didn’t *really* love them.
I guess I just never minded being me when it came to my marital status. Right now, I am pretty jealous of your shopping prowess and sexah shoes! You ARE indeed charming; the single part? Won’t last forever, that much is a guarantee.
And then what? You have to change your masthead, come up with clever new blog name, oh the bother! Many hugs my dear.
Charming, I am a 35-year-old female and have NEVER BEEN MARRIED! So if you feel like a “spinster” at 27, then I find that kind of funny! I’ve had several long-term relationships but have never found “The One”. However, been dating a fantastic man for 4 months now and I feel that he may finally be “The One.” Sometimes, finding that special someone takes some of us longer to find, and then we REALLY appreciate them when we *do* find them! By the way, I’m the youngest and have 3 older brothers. All of them are married, the oldest two have kids and the third oldest is a father-to-be. Luckily, there is no pressure on me to produce grandchildren!
A very close friend of mine got married in 1999 at age 25. His sister got married last August–five years later–at age 37. Guess which one is expecting a baby and guess which one is divorced? Happiness doesn’t look the same for everyone.
My brother is nine years younger than me. When I was around 26, I recall advising my brother to not get married until he was at least 25. It was just a random conversation, neither of us were dating at the time. I also remember thinking to myself that I’d die if my brother got married before me.
Well, almost two years ago, my brother proposed to his girlfriend of six years. They married last September. Me, I’m still single and boyfriendless. Between me and my brother there are four other cousins who are also single.
I’m still alive. When my brother got engaged, my mom made some comment about how she always thought she’d see me get married first. Duh!!! Thanks, Mom.
It is what it is. I’ve always come to accept the idea that they’ll probably be parents before me. Heck, they’ll probably be parents before I get married. I hope someday I’ll get to that marriage place, but obsessing about the “race” will only make me unhappy. All I can do is try to live a good life that I can look back upon and be proud of.
It’s weird for me with this older sibling phenomena. I’m the youngest, but always seemed to be doing everything first. The only one doing ANYthing, to be honest. I even got my Period first. HELLO, how physically speaking bizarro world is that? I rebelled first, I started hating my parents first, I developed an eating disorder first (special pride in that), I moved out from home first, had a boyfriend first, I moved COUNTRY first, I made Up with my parents first… Where on earth was my older sibling guidance? I might need to make an official complaint about this. Possibly to my parents. I hold them responsible for not defining birth order roles correctly.
You’re no spinster. You’re a fabulous single girl.
And think about it this way - your brother gets to have all the fights first this time. Who gets invited, whether or not you’ll follow x or y family tradition, whether you’ll eat x or y. It’s inspired in fact. For once, you don’t have to have the arguments on their behalf!!
And they’ll have got all the wedding fever nonsense out of their system, so by the time you meet someone marvellous and get married (and you will, let’s not have this defeatist spinster talk young lady), you will be able to make the plans YOU both want. Not what your parents want.
fabulous, no?
I’m 33, unattached, and loving it. My aunties are forever sneering at me but, as I keep telling them, I have yet to meet a couple that convince me that it’s all worth it, let alone a man…
Just be proudly you, enjoy life to the full, and let things run their natural course.
My parents married at 22. So did my sister. At my sister’s wedding I made a comment about how my mom had been calling a lot of the shots, party-wise, and how at my own wedding, I’d want to be more in control.
“Well, I always assumed you wouldn’t get married until you are in your thirties and so you’ll be the one to pay for it,” my mom shot back.
Ouch.
No, No no.. There’s no way you are ever going to be a SPINSTER!
heh. have you seen this? http://www.ohmythatsawesome.com/2007/01/youre_getting_m.html
I’m 38 and never been married. Wait, I’m supposed to be making you feel better, not worse. Trying again: I used to think that getting married would make me look successful in the eyes of society and, being older and unmarried, an unquestionable failure. Now that I am nearly 40 with wonderful and not-so-wonderful relationships that turned into invaluable experience and compassion, I’m glad I’ve had this quirky unmarried life.
Don’t worry about the timing of your brother’s life and don’t compare it to your own. Your life is yours. Surround yourself with those whom you love. Love those who surround you. Whatever you truly desire will be yours soon enough.
Consider yourself lucky, C. With the divorce rate as high as they’ve ever been, why risk being a statistic at a young age?
I’m 28 and the oldest of three and, yes, still single. And both my younger siblings are married. I look at their marriages and listen to all their problems and think to myself that I’m so thankful that I didn’t get married in my early to mid 20’s.
They are dealing with things that could have been avoided had they just waited just a bit longer to tie the knot. Being past our mid 20’s means we have experienced and LEARNED stuff that our younger counterparts have not. While having bad dates isn’t necessary fun at the time, we walk away learning what ‘not’ to look for in a guy and what not to accept as ‘acceptable’ behaviors.
Trust me. You’ll find Mr. Charming and when you do, hopefully, he will compliment who you’ve grown up to be and not help you develop who you should become.
Look. I got married when I was 24 and here I am getting divorced at 32. Now I have to start all over again. At the time, I felt old enough and mature enough and maybe I was but MY HUSBAND WASN’T! Be glad that you put a few more years under your belt because when you do find him, and you will, both you and he will be ready. My girlfriend is getting married in April for the first time at 31. It is still YOUNG. You have time. Relax and enjoy not having to wash a man’s dirty underwear.
Amity, that video was freaking hilarious!!!
No no.. mine is worse, I promise you. My younger brother has been married now for 7 years already.. and the entirety of my extended family, except for a few young cousins (I have a huge family), are ALL married. I’m the 2nd oldest in the whole group of people and the only grandchild of age who isn’t married or having kids. The rest of them (stupidly) married at 18 or whenever they could and have issues, but some certainly have great relationships. There have been no spinster jokes, but I’m sure they are wondering why I’m being so picky.
I don’t mean to poke fun, or make light of your perceived horror, but this post would have made for a fantastic sitcom episode.
Excuse the self-promotion, but it sounds like you should check out the book I co-authored, The Bridal Wave: A Survival Guide to the Everyone-I-Know-is=Getting-Married Years. I am going to excerpt myself:
“Bridal Wave Danger Zone 4: Your younger sis is getting to the altar first and you can’t forget it.
Remember the Brady Bunch? After the show ended, there waas a special called “The Brady Brides.” The plot went like this: middle sis Jan was engaged to be married which sent the oldest one, Marcia, over the edge. She was so upset that her younger sibling was getting married first that she met and got engaged to a man in time to change Jan’s big day to a double wedding.
Some women couldn’t care less if their younger sibs get hitched first, but others head straight to Marcia territory when they hear the news. After all, not only did you do everything first (puberty, drivers license, prom) but you also blazed the way with your parents. Technically, you made things easier for them. How dare they go and steal your thunder by asking you to be maid of honor, right?
HOW TO DEAL: Well, you may still see your sis as the ingrate who enjoyed a midnight curfew when she was sixteen only due to your lobbying efforts and savvy negotiating skills, but the reality is you are both (more or less—we know all about the prolonged adolescence thing) adults. Remember our little talk about being last? Marriage. Is. Not. A. Race.”
I feel like a lot of your readers are mired in the Bridal Wave. Our books is all about keeping the crazies in check. Not sure if you do reviews, but I would be happy to send you a copy. lemme know.-val
My younger brother and his wife-to-be are getting married in June. No possibility of bringing anyone (I live in another country, so it’s a bit far to bring a friend, the guest list is restricted and I know no-one where they live apart from them and my family) and no-one to bring anyway. I don’t want to hurt their feelings and want to do right by them, but I really feel like I can’t face going on my own. What should I do to stop panicking, enjoy the day and give them the feeling that I’m being supportive? Any ideas are most gratefully recieved. Thankyou!
You know I feel you… I’m the oldest too and my younger brother already got married and I didn’t meet my right partner yet… sometimes I feel that I’ll never meet him.. And yes I feel that I’m a loser spinster… I’m sorry for saying that but this is my true feeling…
I can’t find anything that can help me in that except keep working, I prefer to spend time at work and don’t back to home and see my brother’s wife…
holy comments, batman! you weren’t kidding.
sheesh. i don’t even have time to read all these. which means this comment will probably repeat something that someone else has already said.
i am the oldest, too. i couldn’t agree more. that is definitely the role of the oldest. i would have the EXACT feelings.
luckily (and i think the heavens for this every day!!), my brothers have no game AT ALL, so i am pretty sure i’ll get married first. i hope. there are no guarantees, of course. but i have way more dating experience. between the two of them, they’ve had a grand total of 3 girlfriends since the mid-90s.
uck, my heart goes out to you, girl. i can only imagine.