Being nice? Overrated. February 8, 2007
Posted by charmingbutsingle in Dating.trackback
Scene: Cigar bar, Thursday night
To be nice, I went to have a drink with The Blackberry because it was his birthday and he promised to behave.
When I shot him down and made it obvious that he was invading my personal space (after buying him a birthday drink, no less), he got all pissy about how he wanted to come home with me.
I said no – “Because I said so” was my reason. And that, my friends, is reason enough. For anything.
“Can I sleep on your couch? How am I going to get home?”
“What would you have done if I wouldn’t have come to the bar tonight?”
“I would have improvised,” he said.
“Well, improvise then.”
At long last will you not come to the realization that you are just a prey species to Mr. BB? He’ll keep it up until something dramatic happens to change his mind, something painful or humiliating probably. He now considers you a ‘pal’ just one step removed from a successful ‘mark’. How you disabuse him of this wishful fantasy is going to take some doing. Cheers & Good Luck! ‘VJ’
Ick. Why must boys be so unbearable? As long as the ask nicely what’s the problem right? Really pisses me off, and then you get blamed for leading them on, you know, by breathing and stuff like that. Sheesh.
Lola xx
That’s annoying. I would’ve just walked away. Boys are so unreasonable and confusing. Does it never end?
Sounds like Blackberry has no game — and that he’s a total waste of time…
How dare he act this way! What a boorish lecher. Mentally give him your “nothing to see here, move along” line and never honor him with a nanosecond of your time. Ever. Again.
But I don’t have a strong opinion.
As much as I enjoy hearing your stories about the Blackberry, I am wondering where the breaking point is for you when you just tell him, flat out, “I am not interested in you.” Blunt and maybe hurtful? Yes. Effective? Should be (but with him, I guess you never really know). It has to get annoying to be in your shoes and to have to deal with his incessant attempts at getting in your bed when all you want to do is enjoy your favorite bar. Is it your style to be so blunt, or have you done that already, and do you think it will work?
Wait. He was out on his birthday by himself? Really? What the hell? He was expecting for you to take him home? Gross. How could he have banked on the fact that you would take him?
Boys really are dumb.
I’m so glad you told him to improvise.
Oh Charming, when will you stop hanging around with him?! Its the same thing everytime (or every blog I should say). He’s a gross, innapropriate dude (if I would go so far to even THINK of him as human). You had to throw water on him to get him away from you. He’s crazy, and I think we could all deal without the crazy in our lives.
Stop wasting so much as a single second on that creepy loser without a single redeeming feature. So what if he’s alone on his birthday? He doesn’t deserve anybody’s company except his own!
He seems too into himself for the blunt effect to work because he will interpret it to “playing hard to get”. He seems pretty oblivious to your actual feelings so being nice will only confirm (to him) that he has a chance. If i were you I would just ignore him completely when you run into him (because I will be so sad for you if you give up your favorite cigar bar). Eventually he’ll get the hint. Good Luck!
He is annoying me and I don’t even know him.
hahaha I LOVE your response. Way to go!
The saga with Blackberry continues. He’s never going to get it. I believe he’s going to be one of those annoyances you just have to put up with at the cigar bar. Good luck anyway.
Charming, you cannot even be friendly aquaintances with this guy without getting annoyed, please cut him out of your life and don’t give him the time of day! He’s so not worth your time! Why punish yourself??
“The primary function of improvisation is to be expressive and emotional; to improvise, one must be in a certain state, and at the same time, improvisation, by inducing surprise and novelty, provides the interpreter with a special emotion that is perceived as the effect of a transcendental inspiration.”
-Dariush Safvat
I’ve wanted to use that quote in a non-musical setting for a while now… As for your situation, at least you’re the rejector now. Don’t squander your power.
First off, I must admit, this is the only post I’ve read about Blackberry, so I don’t know the background, but have you ever asked yourself why you keep putting yourself in situations where you are drinking with him alone (ie the date situation)? You say he’s so creepy (and yes, he sounds the typical sex-on-the-brain-won’t-take-no-for-an-answer-type guy), but you keep putting yourself in these situations. *This* is why guys act this way…girls don’t know what they want, or frequently change their minds. He is waiting for the one time when you are down on yourself, or mad at some other guy, or hurt from some ex…when you are really vulnerable…and then you will grab the closest and easiest thing to make you feel better (perhaps you won’t, but often girls do). He’s hoping to be there when that happens.
If you know you don’t like this guy, quit being *nice* by going on dates with him…alone…on his birthday.
Charming- You have to get away from this guy. I don’t aree with his tactics, by any means! But you keep hope alive in his eyes by putting up with his advances- meaning just you being there, taking his calls/text messages. Your words about him have put him in a very bad light, I’m thinking rightfully so. But if your are that repulsed by him…remove yourself from his life. I know I would still be thinking there was some hope, if I was him. Let it be know that there isn’t any…and move on to someone else! Please you deserve better!
Doing the right thing can be so terribly hard sometimes.
Right doesn’t always look nice in action and right seldom means easy.
It can get even more difficult when, but for a moment, the boundaries have blurred and worse still when it involves lifestyle habits - in this case the ‘cigar bar’ (I like your style, btw.)
Three things spring to mind.
The 1st, you’re probably not going to like but bear with me - it’s a part of the whole. And that which causes us discomfort I think should often be looked at even more closely than that which causes us pleasure (careful where you use that line!)
1. Victim or Volunteer.
Have you heard of defining your life as either a victim or a volunteer?
The 1st time, ok, you can call yourself a victim.
The 2nd time, you’re volunteering.
I’ll come back to that in a moment.
2. Pain or pleasure principle.
Of all I’ve read about you so far - 5000 words or so - you certainly don’t strike me as a characteristically weak person. So right now I could sit back and relax because when the pain of this becomes too great (I refer to Mr Blackberry - not the length and content of my comment…) I figure you’ll do what needs to be done.
Yet this is where right now and for the future the third point becomes so crucial…
3. Line of Consequence.
It’s a nifty if geeky tip for sorting things out.
No Action —————- Mr BB ——————– Take Action
What happens if you continue to take no action?
Now and in the future?
What happens if you DO take action?
Now and in the future?
Writing it down - drawing a line of consequence can help you see it clearly - and see if you’re truly being a victim or a volunteer.
Now I’ve outted myself as a complete geek and a poor counsellor, I hope you will forgive me.
Your blog is a superb read and in regard to Mr BB, I write only because I wish you well.
Alex.
I think The Running Emu pegged it: TheBB is waiting for you to be down on your luck one evening, and he imagines himself swooping in and filling the void (uhem). Unfortunately, he’s picked up from your past behavior that this might actually be possible, so now he’s going to be really hard to dissuade.
So you gotta be firm. Don’t send mixed messages by buying him a drink, sitting next to him at the bar, etc. If he sits next to you, tell him you’re holding that spot for a friend. Or move.
On the other hand, run ins with him are providing great blog material, so one has to wonder if the annoying prick is doing you some service, and you’re subconsciously letting it ride just for the material. Nothing wrong with that, if you know why you’re doing it, but I wonder if it impedes you meeting anyone NEW at the cigar bar…
Admit it, you love this attention on some level.
He’s interested in you in a certain way, and you are interested in him in a different way. It fits, yet it doesn’t fit. You both get a need filled, and there is motive force, a tension, a dynamic that means your blog has a readership guessing on each cliffhanger.
Great stuff. Maybe more people should realise that there is a wider range of relationship possibilities, configurations and permutations than *single*, *married*, *involved*, *straight*, *homo*, blah blah blah.
I have seen a person weep at the loss of a sworn enemy. I have seen someone saddened to lose a stalker. Even “bad” leaves gaps and voids that have to then be filled with something new.
Rtone, you’re right on the money. It’s not good, it’s not bad, it just is.
Ok, some clarification and context:
A few weeks ago, I had the most normal, sane interaction with BB. He wasn’t flirting, he wasn’t trying to feel me up, he wasn’t in my personal space. This gave me a glimmer of hope that we could be friends. I was obviously wrong.
But, I don’t see him as my nemisis. And I don’t think I should have to reorder my life to avoid someone who should just leave me alone.
I will not accept any more invitations to drinks, that’s for sure. He has this sense of entitlement about him. Makes me crazy.
Also, I bought him the drink because it was nice. He’d ordered on, the bartender asked who was grabbing this one ecause his friends had been alternating all night (I’d thought he was going to be alone, but he had friends there), and I motioned for her to put it on my tab. I’m sorry, but I don’t see rum and coke as anything more than a rum and coke. Maybe when I was 21 I did. But a drink is a drink and I buy drinks for my friends on their birthdays.
I kind of take issue with the “victim” thing … that’s actually one of my pet peeves. You should take responsibility for your surroundings and actions. But that doesn’t make it right for people to do bad things to you. Also, I think “victim” is kind of a strong word here … I mean, he didn’t attack me, people. He was a jerk. And maybe I should have anticipated that more. Contrary to popular belief this is the first time I’ve accepted his invite to the bar. Most nights I ignore him. The time I saw him a few weeks ago? I was alone because a friend decided not to meet me. Every other time? I was with guy friends.
So, not so much “date” situations.
Dear Charming but Single,
I feared the ‘victim’ phrase would cause discomfort and I again reiterate that no offense was nor is intended. (If it helps at all, it’s an idea I also dislike intensely.)
In using ‘victim’ I wasn’t specifically referring to Mr BBs actions but an overall mentality to life - which you have addressed.
Sometimes using controversial and somewhat uncomfortable phraseology does wonders in causing people (myself included) to re-assess situations where before the mind goes “oh, cringe factor alert” and dashes off to occupy itself elsewhere whilst leaving one to think there’s no more to be done.
With your further clarification - and by goodness you do write well and I enjoy your insight - I think it’s only fair and right to acknowledge that you come across as thoughtful, intelligent and emotionally intelligent. (Love the observant “he has this sense of entitlement about him.”)
I think perhaps we’ve gotten it the wrong way around - you’re gonna be ok but someone should warn Mr BB that he’s bitten off more than he can chew!
Again, best regards and I hope the matter resolves itself speedily and comfortably for all.
Alex.