Here, yet again February 25, 2007
Posted by charmingbutsingle in Dating, Life.trackback
“How did we end up here?”
We were both flat on our backs looking up at the fan. On Paper had interrupted my thoughts with his question.
“What did you say?” I rolled over to my side to face him.
I’d been thinking the same thing – how did I end up here, all twisted up, physically and emotionally, kissing him again? It was so obvious that neither of us planned to commit to the other, opting instead to keep things casual. Our agreement unspoken. Despite the fact that it would probably end poorly. I’d get my feelings hurt – I already had. I’d push him away – wait; I’ve done that as well. We do have some chemistry, perhaps not enough – though, really, how much chemistry is necessary? I suspect chemistry is like the porridge in Goldilocks and the Three Bears, sometimes being too hot or too cold and when it is just right, you know.
“How did we end up here again?”
He is so comfortable, I’d thought as I’d snuggled against him earlier. He was sitting upright on the couch; his feet propped up on the side of the recliner across from him while we watched TV. He had an arm comfortably strewn over my shoulder, occasionally tracing circles on my hand. Sometimes our fingers would intertwine. Occasionally he would playfully poke a finger in between the few undone buttons of my soft black Henley. I would jokingly slap his hand away. Later he took my head and titled it back with one of his hands – hands that are so big, so much bigger than mine that they look like mitts in comparison – and leaned down to bring his lips to mine.
Again, his words drew me out of my mental recap of the evening.
“Seriously. We always. End up. Here.”
On Paper wasn’t talking about the emotional space where we rested, but the physical place we occupied – his bedroom.
He smiled and brushed his fingertips across my arm. He teased, “You have got to stop wearing those low cut shirts.”
“I promise. I’ll wear only turtlenecks from now on,” I said, leaning forward to kiss him lightly on the lips.
But I sensed that my fashion choices weren’t the problem.
I have no wisdom for you. I wish I did. Perhaps knowing that you’re not the only person this happens to can help. At least you got sex out of the deal (I’m assuming). Mostly I just get to missing someone and wondering why the hell I am thinking about them again, despite an apparent lack of feelings toward myself. Things can always be worse.
Ask yourself what’s a good thing that happened today. Do it everyday. I’ll be watching you… but not in a stalkerish way… well maybe a little.
He seems comfortable enough. Possibly even trainable on the small necessary points of etiquette too. I say it’s a serial. We’ll tune in for developments. Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’
Ahh, what a slippery slope. I agree with Wailin, at least you aren’t alone in finding yourself asking ‘how did we end up here again?’. Best of luck figuring it out!
It looks like our weekends were quite similar.
God damnit it,wanting to be comfortable, feeling comfortable with someone you shouldnt be with sucks horribly.
Dammit! I wish I hadn’t started from the top. He sounds lovely. Your description of the night sounds perfect. As a new reader I now have to crawl through your archives and figure out what is wrong with him. . .
Gawd. I hope its something real bad cos he’s going to be hard for me to hate him.
You sound like you’re enjoying yourself and you know where you stand with him…so…that’s cool. If you guys are on the same page, that’s cool.
Does he hold you back from meeting other men who may want a relationship though? That’s where my problem would be if I someone like him in my life right now.
My feelings always get hurt too! It always seems like a good idea at the time, but it never is because I’m always the one that is hurting in the end. Friends with benefits NEVER works for me.
I think that there are some pretty intense primal connections that we share with people. There are men in my life who I won’t see for years but if we do cross each other’s path, well the electricity is undeniable. Logic and reason have nothing to do with it.
Also, everyone needs love and physical contact. After a certain stage of singledom if you haven’t found someone to play that role it’s hard not to succumb to temptation…n’est ce pas?
damn gina, when are you gonna get published?!
you have an amazing gift for words!!!!!!
Beautiful post, Charming.
I feel like, if it were me, I would end up there again because I truly wanted him to change his mind and treat me as a serious thing. Which I don’t know if you do, but… him meaning the physical rather than emotional space could indicate that he’s either happy with you (and thus maybe something could change his mind) or he doesn’t think about the emotional space, which isn’t too encouraging…
Good luck!
I’d agree, Bitch. Do you mind if I call you Bitch?
It’s hard to stop thinking “They will come around” when you want something so much. But really, you have to. Physically comfortable to me says “I need sex” but without the emotional attachment, it’s rather hollow as well. At least for me. Had a friend with benefits for a while, and it’s not my style. Then again, she wasn’t a cuddler either.
Drama Queen — Oh, there is history and backstory. Met online; in my eyes he wasn’t over his ex wife; dumped him after two dates; saw him months later and remembered how sweet he was; The Nurse unceremoniously dumped me and I called the one guy I knew who would answer — On Paper.
I don’t plan on moving this forward — I just slip into this space because it feels nice and it better than watching 20/20 and eating Ben and Jerry’s on a Friday night. (I should also note that we see each other about once every three to four weeks; hardly a big thing.) But I worry how long you can just be comfortable before it becomes hard to pull yourself away.
I think the social networking sites are a waste of time. First of all, they should pay the users, and with something other than points (it is difficult to see just how far below minimum wage you are when all you get are points and then merchandise you don’t need).
Second, wasting one’s time with a giant network of so-called friends really is just a sick form of Fake fame.
Honest work and scientific breakthroughs are not the result of social networking.
The casual relationship does serve a certain purpose, but it also risks clouding your head. You can’t help wanting him to want you, even if you know that if it came down to it, you probably wouldn’t want him (there must be a good reason for this other than the crying episode).
Don’t beat yourself up over it, but do be mindful that even though it is nice to have a ‘backup’ guy, it’s a crutch. If what you really want is a real relationship, then I believe that the crutch will hinder you - I’ve seen it happen. There’s something very powerful about making up your mind and standing your ground that puts out a vibe that others can sense. Male others. Male others who are ALSO looking for a real relationship. They ARE out there.
Friends with Benefits are always complicated. Even the ones where the situation is specifically defined. Sometimes one person wants to get serious with the other and it’s unreciprocated… Sometimes one person wants to get serious with someone else leaving the other wondering why wasn’t it them…
I’m all for comfort but be careful how involved you do get…
Good luck! =)
you always end up in the bedroom?
come on, girl! think outside of the box!
what about the couch
the floor
the kitchen counter
your car
the stairs
there are so many naughty places. go for it.
i’m just being facetious.
as long as you can’t get hurt, i say, go for it. gitcha some, girl.
I agree with you Virginia Belle. (: Any place’s fine as long as you are safe and intact. Way to go!
Oh dear god. He sounds like the type that just shreds your self-confidence. (Self-righteous, undependable, little put-down behaviors that COULD have alternate explanations….) Be careful. And I don’t know about the people who say, “It could have been…” Or, “Maybe he just…” I have NEVER been happy, in the end, with a decision to award a second chance after something like his “A Game” night…
Which I don’t know if you do, but… him meaning the physical rather than emotional space could indicate that he’s either happy with you