Charming, but single

Ed note: It is long.

I am a woman who has spent her fair share of moments mocking brides. Not at their weddings or to their faces, but in catty conversations with other singletons and long-time marrieds, unable to fully grasp how my cliched mocking of the Overzealous Bride Stereotype was just as trite as the fretting of the Brides themselves.

And while we’re on the topic of cattiness, let me just say that I was raised to always be polite and complimentary when you are an invited guest to a party, wedding or funeral. But that doesn’t mean you can’t recap the whole goings on later, in the Classic Southern Lady style. This is best summed up by one Clairee Belcher (and not Truvy Jones aka Dolly Parton, as I’d originally thought) in Steel Magnolias, who did declare, “Well, you know what they say: if you don’t have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me.”

That said, I knew I had to check my cynicism at the door when dealing with Best Friend Ever’s upcoming nuptials. I love her dearly. She is a perfectionist who wants everything she does to be just so. I knew where this was headed. I am a Bridesmaid in a Well Planned Wedding.

She announced that she’d be in town this past weekend to look at dresses and invited me to join her mother and sister for the occasion. I will admit that I have been a Bridesmaid in a Well Planned Wedding before. I was much younger – 22 whole years old – and I was pretty terrible as far as bridesmaids go. I saw it mostly as an excuse to wear a pretty dress, dance around and drink too many drinks on someone else’s tab. I was excited for my friend but I didn’t really grasp the significance of being in her bridal party. I wasn’t there when she picked out her dress and I was constantly running late to things. I didn’t get very involved in the minutia of the event, though I do remember reading Modern Bride while we ate Greek food one night, so that has to count for something. All of this was a symptom of my youthful opinions on life and not so much a reflection on our friendship.

So, I’ve vowed that this time will be different. I will be the model Bridesmaid, ever so supportive and encouraging, willing to wear whatever and go wherever with a smile on my face.

And so when Best Friend Ever left me a message in her Bride Voice (oh yes, she has a very distinct voice when speaking of wedding preparations), I knew that it was off to Bridesmaidville, population: Me, all day Saturday.

From the second I stepped in to the Large Bridal Chain Retailer, I was overwhelmed. The buzzing of brides and mothers of the bride and bridesmaids filled the whole place, creating a nervous energy that circled around me. The moment I walked through those doors, I understood why so many Brides become balls of stress and panic planning their weddings. These places are so chock full of dresses and shoes and veils and tiaras and slips and handbags and jewelry and Bridal Consultants armed with clipboards and catalogs that I felt anxious and I’m not even getting married.

And all of that is just the start. Most dresses come in at least three shades of white, off white and ivory and many have several sleeve options. None of the floor models will fit you just right – they’ll all be at least a size too big or too small and no matter how many dresses you try on, you’ll never actually be able to say, “I wear this size gown,” because much to your dismay you’ll be a size eight in one style and a 12 in another.

So, after we shoved Best Friend Ever into a small closet of a fitting room with borrowed petticoats and bras she, with the help of the Bridal Consultant and her Mom, tried on dress after dress after dress. She’d then all but fall out of the mirrorless room into a fitting area so full of mirrors that it caused you to see reflections of your reflection’s reflection. One of us would stand behind her and either hold the too small dresses closed or tailor the too big dresses with our hands so we could inspect how the dress, when properly sized and fitted, would look.

She looked absolutely breathtaking in all of the dresses. And that’s my story and I’m sticking too it. Far be it from me to be the bridesmaid who is constantly reminded that “You thought my dress was too low cut, remember?” (Seriously, she really did look beautiful. Best Friend Ever has a very calm confidence about her. She doesn’t need a $4,000 dress to look stunning.)

She tried on about a hundred thousand dresses at both of the shops we visited, though I have to say that I lost count after about 50. She tried on so many dresses that my camera ran out of batteries. She tried on so many dresses that at some point she really stopped caring that sometimes half of her bare back and panties were exposed in a dress that wouldn’t close because one store (we think it specialized in debutante dresses for high schoolers) was full of floor sample sizes like negative double zero. She’d just plod out to the mirror, take a deep breath and examine the front of the dress. Modesty be damned, she just needed a dress.

We didn’t buy one, though she has some great leads and just needed to do some thinking.

After the hours of shopping we were on our way to dinner at The Banker’s house and Best Friend Ever seemed a bit dismayed. She was grumpy and tired and wanted to be finished with the dress buying.

“None of them looked exactly the way I wanted them to. None of them felt quite right,” she said quietly disappointed.

“Babe, think about it. You were surrounded by people and dresses and noise and mirrors. You were trying on dresses that 10 other girls of every shape and size tried on today. The lighting is terrible and none of the dresses are the right size,” I said.

“Uh huh,” she said, sounding a bit hesitant, like she was thinking, “Isn’t it your job to make me feel better about this?”

“And you’ve got people watching you try things on and then you’ve got me feeling you up trying to hold the too big dresses still so that they didn’t slip too much.”

“You’re right.”

“On your wedding day you’re going to have a brand new dress in the right color that fits and professionally done hair and make up and perfect lighting and you’re going to be charged with energy and floating around excited and you are going to feel much more beautiful than you feel standing in an overcrowded showroom while someone rattles of color choices for each dress.”

“You are so right,” she laughed.

“And, on your wedding day, I will not be feeling you up constantly. That alone should be enough to make you feel much, much better.”