In Defense of the Dating Committee March 21, 2007
Posted by charmingbutsingle in Dating, Friends, Life.trackback
One tried and true aspect of my dating life has been the post-date recap (or debrief, depending on the length and tone of the experience) with my girlfriends. After dates good and bad my friends are clamoring for the delicious details, whether they are shared over e-mail or the phone or with dinners and drinks. Good stories get saved for in-person meetings, obviously. Really great and/or earth shattering news is cause to convene the crew on short notice.
I jokingly call this my Dating Committee (or Task Force, depending on my attitude for the day, the participants and the amount of work facing us) for the simple reason that I like to name things.
I can’t point to a single time when my Dating Committee actually changed my mind about something – typically I am leaning one way (“Maybe I will go out with him again.”) or the other (“Maybe I should stay far, far away from that loser.”) and spilling my guts animatedly over coffee is enough to get me to commit either way. My friends are there for company and support. Would they intervene if I were in some sort of danger? Of course. But they know that their role is to be an open ear, a well-timed giggle, a reassuring story of being in a similar situation once. Because I will do the same for them.
Dating is not always pleasant. Sometimes we meet wonderful people and things sail along at a comfortable pace, all wind in our hair and sun on our cheeks. Other times “disastrous” is the only descriptor for the trials and tribulations of the single and dating – someone puts a cigarette out on his tongue to impress you, someone else calls you a “chick” while asking if your breasts are fake and where the craziest place you’ve “done it” is, a dude attempts to maul you in the parking lot. (And yes, all of these things have happened to me.) So we share stories to make each other feel better, to offer reassurance that we are not alone in the uncomfortable situation of opening yourself up to someone else and hoping that they understand you for all of your fabulousness and flaws.
It doesn’t always work out. And in the moments when it isn’t working out, having a Dating Committee to listen to your ranting helps you put past bad dates and relationships behind you. In the glorious moments when things do work out, when dates are fantastic and last for hours and hours just because you had so many things in common and so many topics to discuss, all your friends need to do is sit back and listen to you gush. And they will, even when you are rambling about a cute freckle or certain adorable eye roll, because they know you have done and will do the same for them.
Sure, there are moments where serious conversation gives way to joking. Poor choices in clothing, awkward conversation and odd behaviors are all fair game. Nicknames are born in Dating Committee. Can women be catty? Absolutely. Guys really shouldn’t worry if the woman they are dating is discussing them over drinks. That means they’re still in the running. When a woman can’t find it in herself to talk about a man she is seeing even briefly, his days as her date are numbered. We talk about the ones we like, the ones who knock the wind right out of us and also the men who irk us in that way that is almost impossible to describe where we’re not quite sure if we should dump him or jump him. (Or both.)
Call consulting your girlfriends about all things dating immature if you like. (I happen to find talking through your feelings and I bouncing things off of people to be relatively useful, but that might just be me.) I will stand up right now and say it — without a touch of immaturity, a few moments of gossip and some mild teasing in my life from time to time, I would be certifiably crazy. I’d wager that my dating life would suffer immensely if I couldn’t see the humor in the silly rituals of mating. And this reminds me of the intro to “Least Complicated” by the Indigo Girls on their live double disc “1200 Curfews,” when one of the Girls says, “You have to laugh at yourself, because you’d cry your eyes out if you didn’t.”
Sing on, my sisters.
Yeah.. I troll here a lot.. sue me.
I got nothing, really. Keep on doing what seems to work for you. I’m hardly one to comment on dating, what with my limited experiences. But you bring up the point I made *cough*ideathief*cough* that any publicity is good publicity.
Now I must ask… How did posting that make you feel?
*doodles on notepad pretending to be wise and having a PhD*
And is calling a chick a chick a bad thing? I find myself having a hard time describing females I’m interested in. Calling them girls doesn’t seem right, since I’m 27. But saying women/ladies doesn’t sound right either, as that is more associated with older women for me.
How does that make me feel?
Conflicted!
Wailin — Yes, you spend entirely too much time here. ;P
Also, see comment 8 on the last post. Not that either of us are the first to think that being the topic of conversation isn’t always a bad thing, but I’m clearly not stealing anyone’s ideas here.
And I am not yellow and fuzzy. I am not a chick. I’m a woman.
A woman who is going to bed now.
Wailin…whatever you call them make sure it’s not too soon or too late.
j/k I had to throw that in there. OK, I’ve spent far too much time here tonight.
I call shenanigans!
I have a Committee like that. We call it Women’s Group, and recently had an Emergency Session in the midst of a St. Patrick’s day party when one of us unexpectedly announced that she had broken up with her boyfriend of nine months. Women are relational, and a lot of women process verbally. It’s infinitely better to do it with women who understand and can reciprocate (and also let you know when you’re obsessing over something stupid) than with some poor guy who has no idea what you’re talking about and wouldn’t have the first idea how to respond/deal with it/be helpful anyway. Whoever thinks this is immature is, well, probably a guy.
I also agree that talking about a guy, even in a negative fashion, means he’s important to you in some way. It’s the guys you forget to mention who are dead in the water.
It has been scientifically proven that this exact type of interactions with close girlfriends, where you laugh and share and do all those things us girls do when we get together, help relieve stress, be healthier, and live longer. So there you go. You’ve got a doctor-approved excuse. ; )
OK so I’m also not knocking anyone’s entertainment options: ‘I can’t point to a single time when my Dating Committee actually changed my mind about something…’ . Everyone needs & deserves a good laugh at someone else’s expense from time to time. But again, the Dating Committee (DC) is a juvenile crutch for many, some considered solace for some, and ever so rarely good & useful advice that is taken seriously to heart. But past the age of 25-28? Really suspect if anyone in the clique is seriously searching for a mate or for someone who is marriageable material. It’s just too many cross purposes & agendas. People pick mates. Individuals pair up. Committees don’t date. They are not responsible for your happiness. Not really. Not now & in the future. As entertaining as they can be, they have a limited utility in this area. Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’
I gotta say, I’m actually a bit envious of the concept of the dating committee. I’m reminded of that Friends episode where Ross and Rachel kiss; Rachel tells the gals about it in detail while Ross gives it a two sentence treatment to his guys.
So, as a guy, I think that the committee is great. This girl I used to see once mentioned about how she would tell her group about us when we were dating and it sortof freaked me out but I also realized that, in the end, it’s a pretty great thing to have a group that is willing to listen and be there for you.
Though now I really want to hear about the guy who put out a cigarette on his tongue. Gross, but a story worth re-telling to the world.
btw, great site. I just recently found it, but I look forward to reading more.
Hmm, I do tend to share the story of my dates with some friends too (as well as on my Blog). And I am male.
Having a “dating committee” is very theraputic! That’s what we women do. We women talk about our dates to bond…..Men go to gun ranges and watch footbal to bond. Go figue. lol
VJ — I think you are too fixated on the name here. It is NOT a formal committee. There isn’t a vote up or down on membership, there are no formal by laws. No one takes minutes. Seriously, call it something else if it makes you happy. If I called it “Four Women Sitting Around a Table Talking about Their Lives,” would that make it easier for you to understand?
Really, I like giving things names. And when you’re blogging, it makes sense to do this, because it saves you from having to explain everything every time you write.
It is a group of women who are good friends who get together to share spinach and artichoke dip and talk about their dates (or their husbands … FYI, I have married friends) and other things – jobs, real estate, music, movies, etc. I’m not talking about 15 women of competing loyalties. I’m thinking maybe three or four women I consider to be my good friends. And while we all have a good laugh, I know none of them are participating solely to laugh at me.
And as far as agendas … I could see where if you polled 15 casual female friends, you might get some people with certain agendas and competing loyalties. But my best friends? The women I speak to each day, who have met my parents and siblings, who are my close confidants? What agenda to they have other than to see me happy? I don’t know what kind of antiquated ideas you have about women being friends, but NONE of my friends would ever interfere in my dating life for their own gain or entertainment. For some reason, there are people who seem to think that women can’t be friends because they secretly hate each other and want to steal each others’ boyfriends. This is hardly the case with my close friends. (I mean, when would I find the time to homewreck? I’m a busy woman!) And if I did run into a woman who was hell bent on ruining my life, I’d just stop hanging out with her.
Fantastic..I’d be nowhere without the support system of all my girlfriends..loving your dating committee.
Hooray for free therapy! Who needs shrinks when you have great girlfriends!
Word.
I think talking a/b your dates (which is part of your life and why wouldn’t you talk a/b your life with your friends??) is perfectly normal, healthy, and fun!
There’s nothing immature a/b good communication skills.
Like you said Charming, it’s not like your committee casts a vote and you adhere to it. That would be weird and cult-like. And I’m just guessing, but it seems like you are an individual who makes decisions on her own.
No one is born with an internal guide on how to interact with others. “Committees” are a gut check, a way to make sure you’re thinking is making sense. I don’t always agree with my girlfriends but a different perspective is always interesting to hear. Sometimes it’s simply a venting platform. And, yes, it is great therapy.
And committees aren’t just for dating, they can be for all aspects of life. When something happens at your job or you’re thinking about making a change, don’t you have people you seek out for advice? Same thing I’d say, just different topic.
I totally agree. Having a Dating Committee is a great thing to have. In a way, my own blog is that, because no matter how much I wanted it to be about just “life”, it’s mostly about the quest for love.
And I love the Indigo Girls. And not just for that song and that line. “The Wood Song” and “Power of Two” are just brilliant.
I love the dating committee. You guys are so Sex in the City ish.
I agree with everything you said and I definitely don’t think it’s immature.
I have to be dating to have a “dating committee” right?
Immature? Crap. None of us would make it through this labyrinth of life (including dating) if we didn’t have a great social foundation, a group or even one tried-and-true friend to commiserate about yet another tool, laugh about a bad kisser, hug when you burst into tears over a broken heart. It’s glorious that you have these people in your life.
I’ll keep coming back. It’s good read. I love your points. Go you, girl!
It’s why I come back. But not every day, I swear. The posts grab attention, the associated comments help keep it. ^^
*kb* you don’t need a to be dating to have a dating committee. At least not in my book. Part of the committee’s duties is to cheer you up and entertained when you’re not dating. That’s what we do with my girls (and the super modern, open minded boys in my committee)
No. I’m not stalking your blog. Just had to write again because I just re-read my comment and picked up on my grammar mistake. Yuck. For a grammar sargeant, I made a horrible one. You can tell it’s late and I need my rest. So, as in an old book, let’s make an erratum: Line “Part of the committee’s duties is…” should read “Part of the committee’s duties ARE…..”
There. Now I can go to bed.
I’ll not go into more argument, let’s just say that general support systems are perfectly fine, and can be useful. Practical advice is also scarce sometimes. Practical, sensible advice that will be helpful or useful even rarer still. I’ll relate what the wife said to me this eve on the topic of DC’s. ‘No one man warrants the attention of a such a committee, they’re just not all that difficult to figure out.’ I’ll have to agree with that sentiment. I had some other more involved thoughts, but as usual she gets down to the bottom line very quickly. It’s what I really like about her! Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’
Great blog entry. I aggree with you whole heartedly though I’m finding that my dating committee really is slimming down. Too many guy friends and good friends getting super serious, having kids, etc. But those friends that you can really open up to and joke around with are truly what everyone needs to stay sane and happy in their lives (single or not.)
Charming:
Go out and get thee a married men panel to supplement the dating committee. My girls and I banter like no one’s business but in the last few years, I found that I also went to a few male friends that happened to be married. These guys are incredibly useful for the following reasons:
1. They do not want to sleep with you or if they do, they cannot so they will give it to you straight.
2. They still have a man brain and while the girls are good for the standard, “He did what? I can’t believe that!” comment, married man will not only say that but will explain the reason as to why.
3. He will be blunt like a guy needs to be sometimes. This will help when you are dating Mr. “I am soo not good for you” and your girlfriends are hesitant to tell you because you are so much in love. He will tell you. And he will keep telling you.
If you need to find panelists, I can lend you mine. They are divine.
Guys have these committees too. I call mine my ‘war council’, which I suppose is a very alpha-male thing to call it.
It’s interesting that you note how your group of friends rarely changes your opinion. You should read ‘The Wisdom of Crowds’ by James Suriewki (sp?) to learn why that is. On the one hand, your friends are acting in what they think is your best interest, by reaffirming your preconceptions and simply agreeing with you. For example, if you go on a date with a guy and then he doesn’t want to see you again, they will all tell you ‘that he wasn’t right for you anyway’. But, what if he was?
On the other hand, your friends won’t give sound advice simply because they are…your friends. They think the same way you do and act the same way you do, which is why you are friends in the first place.
If you want sound, suitable and objective dating advice, you need to ask distant, unbiased strangers for their advice, free from the constraints of your friendship.
That said, I’m being unrealistic. If I had been ditched by a stunning woman, I wouldn’t want my friends being overly objective and pointing out where I went wrong. I can do that myself. Instead, I want them to humour me.
What’s needed is a system whereby your girlfriends provide the feedback to the guy you dated, and where his friends provide feedback to you. That would give a 2nd date the greatest chance of success, provided the 1st date was acceptable in the first instance.
—————
The London Dater
So it’s official. I am no instituting into my dating repertoire(?) two things:
1. A pre date resume, including references from previous dates.
2. A Post-date satisfaction survey, to be filled out at your convenience. I’ll pay for the postage of course.
The thing is, if I actually did that they would think I was crazy. Or a genius. Fine line there.
I agree that having trustworthy guys to as part of the panel is SO helpful. I have a couple of guy friends I can ask for their Professional Guy Opinion on various things. It’s a great reality check.
[...] had to check with my Dating Gurus to see what they thought. I’m having major doubts about even wanting to go out with him. [...]
VJ is placing FAR too much emphasis and power in the hands of the girl group. good grief. women are verbal and social creatures. we haven’t truly experienced something until we tell someone about it.
this post, and the part about the guys who aren’t discussed as being “dead in the water” reminds me of one of my favorite mae west quotes:
“it’s better to be looked over than overlooked.” — so true, sometimes.
i, too, would need to be committed if i couldn’t share post-date details with SOMEONE. i would eventually start telling my dogs about it! the words. must. come. out. heck, i’ve blurted stuff out to strangers before.
sometimes, it’s to share a happy experience (ie, gush), sometimes it’s to get reassurance (eg, yes, he does like you or no, he doesn’t), sometimes it’s to get a 2nd opinion (eg, you need to call him or you need to get rid of him ASAP). there are umpteen reasons we share. but discussion, analyzation and prediction are embedded in 90% of women’s psyches. we have a NEED to talk about it. it’s part of what makes us different from men. we live for our relationships–all of them, from family to work to dating. men live for……football? and work? i don’t know.