Also, you may bring your spinster daughter, but please make her behave May 21, 2007
Posted by charmingbutsingle in Dating, Daydreams, Family, Single Girl Cliches, Weddings.trackback
When I walked into my parents’ house on Sunday, I noticed the familiar handwritten calligraphy special enough only for a wedding invitation on two envelopes that were on the kitchen table.
“Oh, those are for that wedding next month,” my mom said.
There was one for my parents and one for my brother and his finance.
“Um, did I not get invited?” I asked, seeing as my name wasn’t on any of the envelopes.
“Oh, you were. Your sister must have your invitation.”
I was confused as to why my sister had my invitation, but I accepted this as fact. Later, I was in their office printing something on the computer when I found the other wedding invitation.
It was addressed to [Charming But Single’s Younger Sister] and [Charming But Single].
That’s right. I was sharing an invitation with my younger sister. Who is in high school.
And her name was listed first.
I know that I tend to be all “woe is me,” I am single some and/or most of the time. And I really don’t believe that I am a Sad Sack Singleton most of the time. And I don’t know what Emily Post would say about this or what the etiquette is for unmarried sisters, but COME ON. I don’t even rank my own invitation anymore? I’m an adult woman with a job and her own health insurance policy and 401(k), quickly flying toward 30, and I have to share a wedding invitation with my sister who is 17?
So frustrating.
I know wedding invitations are expensive. And technically, since I don’t have a significant other, so I can be invited alone, per the laws of etiquette. I’m probably getting all huffy over nothing, but little moments of mortification such as this are enough to make me feel like a Tragic Spinster locked away in her house, toiling away over her cross-stitching and pickling carrots and beets while talking to and playing poker with her imaginary boyfriend, Mr. Fern the Plant, the only man who always lets her win at cards and who gets only the best bottled water and fertilizer on their dinner dates.
Proper wedding etiquette says all adult children get a separate invite. If your sister lives with your parents, she should have been listed on their invite and you get a separate one. That’s actually kinda rude, what they did.
Oh shucks, I would have been really annoyed and/or embaressed by this! I agree with slynnro- since your sis lives with your parents, she should have shared their invite and you should get a separate one. Or they should have listed both you and sis on your parents’ card if they were really skimping. But the worst is when they listed your sister first- I would have whimpered!
I do emphathize how moments like these, being single seems so un-fabulous- I seem to be having too many moments like these though
Hang in there!
Ah, Charming, you have no idea how many of us share your feelings. Although my fern usually whups me at poker, darn it all.
I don’t think you’re “getting huffy over nothing”, and I’ve felt the same way in similar situations. Without a doubt, you should have gotten your own invitation. The only thing you can really do is figure it was a simple oversight, shrug your shoulders, try not to take it as a personal statement on your current relationship status, and blow it off.
None of which stops it from being annoying as all hell…
Slynnro is absolutely right. You don’t live at home so they should have sent you your own invitation to your address, not your parents’ address. You have every right to be annoyed.
Plus, if you and your sister are on the same invitation, it doesn’t allow you to bring a guest, does it? You should RSVP that you are bringing a guest. Even if you don’t. It would serve them right. It was extremely rude of them.
I wouldn’t call it rude myself, but I can get the issue with it. Damsel is right in saying RSVP +1, just in case. Course, I’d run it by everyone first just to be safe from making your own faux pas.
LOL! I can just imagine the kinds of wrath this would incite on the brides-to-be at TheNest.com message boards!! This is a HUGE ettiquette faux-pas. Clearly the bride was running out of invitations and had to resort to desperate measures.
It is in her right to invite you without a guest (and that really should be respected) but you deserve your own friggin invitation when you live on your own. What they really should have done is put your sister’s name on your parents’ invitation (they all live in the same house, right?) then sent you your own.
Wailin, unfortunately unless the invite is addressed to “Charming and Guest” (on the inner envelope) it would be a faux-pas on Charming’s end if she tried to bring a guest. It seems like not a big deal but have you priced catering costs for a wedding reception lately?? ; )
(obviously I obsessed way too much about all this when I got married 3 years ago!)
See, that’s why I said run it by the people in charge first. Just to leave an opening for a guest. Be all “Hey, I was hoping I could plan for a guest, just in case I have someone to bring.” I suppose that’s not RSVPing it, but it kills two birds with one stone. Makes sure it’s okay to do so and opens it up to possibilities.
And no I haven’t, I asked my ex and got a “Maybe” twice. Should have just taken it as a no in the end.
Oh, I can’t bring a date. That would be rude. Plus, I have no one to date …
I’m hoping this was an honest oversight. I know the groom and not the bride, so maybe on his guest list he didn’t specify that I was an adult child of my parents? I know they don’t have my address — that doesn’t annoy me so much, to be honest. It was just being listed second behind my sister who lives with my parents. So weird.
Dude, you are absolutely right. That is completely rude of the people doing the inviting and reeks of their own social stupidity. That kind of thing has happened to me too and I was completely insulted.
I wouldn’t go to the wedding if you can avoid it.
Now you just have to share a gift with your sister. And we all know that a 17 year old cannot afford to give a “proper” wedding gift. So, I’d say $50 from both of you should suffice.
slynnro is right. All adult children get separate invitiations, and your sister should have been added with your parents.
That’s quite rude.
Wow, that bride/groom are oblivious assholes. And lazy to boot, if they aren’t willing to do the legwork to get your address but expect a present from you. If you go, get ‘em a copy of Emily Post. Paperback, natch.
Oh yes - this is rude. And condescending.
As a side note, I have multiple relatives who included me in their holiday cards to my mother well into my 30’s. I viewed it as major progress when I started getting cards from them at my own address…
I say honest oversight, and no matter what I’m sure there was no harm meant by it.
Maybe they want you looking positively single at the wedding because they have someone in mind for you?
It’s most definitely rude, but there’s got to be an explaination… even if it’s just that they are cheap!
CBS, you are the queen of over-reaction.
Emily Post is frowning on the bride and groom right now! As said before, you ought to receive your own invite and your parents and little sister receive one as a family. Just look extra fabulous at the wedding!
Well, since all weddings are excursions into excrutiating agony for single people everywhere (puh-leez — NO ONE wants to line up for the garter / bouquet toss) I say you blow it off. Who knows.. maybe your baby sister can take a date instead.
Cheers chickie…chin up and all that rot!
I would so feel the same way you do!
It’s frustrating, isn’t it, how us single gal’s of a certain age get treated like second class citizens sometimes? I say break open a bottle of wine, sit on your balcony and remember why it’s so great to be single anyway…and if you figure that out, let me know
Oh, yeah. This is crap. It almost would have been better had they not invited you. Then again, maybe the best thing to do is act like you would have in high school and let your parents bring the gift. They did relegate you to that status, after all . . .
asshats.
I’m so adamant about the Plus one for those who are single but still adults. It really gets my goat, that shared invitation crap!
Wow, I say that’s incredibly rude. If they were running low on invitations, they should’ve sent one to The Charming Family at least. Or, as others have said, included your sister on your parents’ invitation and sent you a separate one.
A couple of years ago, my mother informed me that I was invited to my cousin’s bridal shower. However, the invitation was sent to “Mother’s Full Name and Daughter.” I was furious! I was almost 30 years old, didn’t live at home, and had spent a ridiculous amount of time with these people when I was younger. I knew they didn’t have my address, but they certainly know my name!
People can be so, so rude.
your wedding to be friends were incorrect about the invitation. if you have your own address you get your own invitation. technically, according to ettiquete, if you are 17 or older you should get your own invitation. how rude and cheesy of them! the way they invited you doesn’t even warrant you to bring a guest. buy them a cheap gift!
The amount of seething anger is thick… must.. run… away…
Yeah, I agree with the others. That was pretty tacky on their part. Drink EXTRA at the open bar when you are at the reception.
you are…….this is why you are single…..maybe you should be concerned with your own life. do you have a job? or any hobbies (besides finding a man)? i know you’ll reply with your own scathing/defensive reply, but… you shouldn’t. it sounds harsh but sometimes the truth hurts.
Or perhaps you need to actually go back and read a little more before you make judgements and assumptions. kk thx bai
IF you go, imbibe freely from the bar! Come to think of it, have a couple for me too!
Perhaps the proper retaliation is to sign your name to your parents gift. Viola! You saved $50! While I am sure this is probably an honest oversight and not a HAHA! YOU ARE SINGLE!, as a bride I was very careful not to try and offend anyone I was inviting and how to address invitations is a pretty easy-to-do-right task.
It looks like they don’t know your age, and they think you must be about your sister’s age. And that you and your sister are, let’s say, in your college years - not dependent on your parents anymore, but not quite independent either. Is that possible? Otherwise I can’t explain such a mistake (and of course they want to save money, both on invitations and on guests, so they make it hard for you to bring one.)
Ooh. That would TOTALLY rub me the wrong way. I’m telling you….we single girls are getting smacked all the time inadvertently ALL of the time! It stinks.
Yes. They should have sent you a separate invitation at your own address, and your sister probably should have been included on your parents’. But: consider that, if you are on the groom’s side, the bride’s side probably did the addressing. They may not know that your sister is the younger one. It was almost certainly a careless oversight.
Not that oversights are okay when it comes to wedding invitations.
There are few surer ways to create a lifetime emnity. They should have done a bit more homework.
Yeah, that’s pretty messed up. You should have received your own invitation. Listing you on an invite with a 17 year old little sister when you are a grown woman living on your own is just rude. I’d react the same way.
anan — No scathing here. I obviously have a job, though I’d certainly love one that allowed me to read and/or comment on blogs all day … maybe you can help me out with that. And hobbies, yes. Why do you ask? Are you trying to see if we’re compatible? ARE YOU ASKING ME OUT?
All joking aside, I actually do think that my obnoxious overreacting and opinionatedness (is that a word?) sometimes get in the way of me meeting new people and/or having a great relationship. Also, I’m really very picky. Believe it or not, I am surprisingly self-aware.
And an observation/question: This is the fifth mildly critical anonymous comment you’ve left on my blog. Judging from the fancy WordPress feature that allows me to search comments by IP address, I think you read my blog with an attitude of superiority … do you only read to remind me every two months that I “should be concerned with [my] own life”? If so, why?
I can totally understand how this occurred if it’s only the groom you know. My husband had no clue when it came to wedding invitation etiquette. He thought it was OK to send invitations by fast post a week before the wedding to people whose addresses he hadn’t bothered to find out.
My mother and I spent an entire afternoon trying to work out who fit where in his family tree so as not to offend anyone, and even then I’m sure we probably did. He didn’t even know whether some people on the list were his cousins, his aunts, or his childhood next door neighbours! Lucky for him he’s cute…
Look at it this way….now you don’t have to address the dilemma of whether or not you take passport to the wedding and you can concentrate on someone who really deserves you.
I have a new policy that if I get invited to a wedding without a date, I will promptly return the reply card THAT day and not go. No exceptions. I am over 30 and I think it’s HORRIBLE to not allow people to bring guests. I would apply this policy to widows and widowers, too. There is nothing worse than sitting at a wedding alone. I don’t care if siblings are there or not.
Also, if I ever get a wedding invite where I am included with other people, there will be no gift. If you CAN”T BE BOTHERED TO FIND MY ADDRESS then I CAN”T BE BOTHERED SPENDING $5 on you.
PS-invitations aren’t THAT expensive. If you can’t afford to buy enough invites, then SHRINK THE GUEST LIST.
ARGH-I am SO over weddings.
/hug Smartcookie
You sounded like you could use it.
I suspect it was a careless oversight C. Which of course is incredibly common everywhere. At all times. You’re probably still not living in the same town, so they may not have thought to add you until the last minute, maybe not having your current address. Perhaps they knew your younger sister better, (possibly being younger?), and did not think you’d mind going together. But often as not these are very hurried & harried affairs. It’s rush to nail down the venues, then to get the catering set. Then the chairs & tables rented. Then transport & lodging for out of area guests. It’s a tremendous & costly undertaking. Often the guest list is so contentious that it’s left to the last minute. ‘OK Aunt Harry (the old Battle axe) & Co. goes, but your Uncle Guido & his goons have to go too’.
So there’s often many slips between the cup & the lip. Happens all the time, and often there’s no more serious meaning or thought in it. Just random common carelessness. Weddings are now incredibly expensive @ about 25K per now. This strangely enough is often more than anyone puts as a down payment on a first house now. So it’s expensive, and people are willing to do some very strange things to try and cuts costs just to make it ‘under budget’. This is true the world over too.
It’s also seriously funny that no matter who we are we always like to somehow appeal ‘way back’ to Emily Post in times of trouble with high etiquette. Anyone actually Reading her would know that she liked and wanted to appeal to good manners in all walks of life, and at all times. Not just the big time ‘clutch times’ when we all look our prettiest and play dress up and are on our ‘best manners’. Good manners do not just show at high tea’s or high Church Mass, they should be present at ‘low’ BBQ’s too, according to Mrs. Post. Knowing this, have a look around. Does the current cultural climate seem to be conducive to good manners & recognition of the rules & rigors of same? Hell, we have a Government that struggles with basic concepts of obeying & respecting the Rule of Law, let alone rules of etiquette!
So yes, count me as thinking it’s a careless oversight. I’ve got relatives who still are confused as to who my wife is after being married for about as many years as your younger sister has been living. (She’s not a Mrs., ergo the confusion). It happens.
And me, I leave critical commentaries almost everywhere I go. To everyone’s possible benefit, they’re also long, involved & factual too. I was hoping someone noticed as with anan. Cheers & Good Luck! ‘VJ’
Not to be Johnny RainCloud in this group, because I do think this was kinda tacky with the invite, but are we forgetting something?…this is a wedding, these two people have WAY more going on in thier lives right now, they are not just planning a party. I’m sure it was not intentional and it sounds to me that it’s a family friend, and not a close personal friend of Charmings. And who knows you might meet someone also… you have the built in excuse of “funky chicken elbow” when you nudge that guy on the dance floor. Have some fun, don’t spend much on the gift.
I agree with all the naysayers, it just wasn’t right what happened, you should have received your own invitation. If they didn’t have your address, they should have asked your parents!
OMG, that is so awful! You are a grown woman and proper ettiquitte says that you should have your own invitation. If you still lived at home, y’all could all be on the same invitation but you don’t so you should have your own. You sister is pretty much still a child and should be including on your parents invitation. I’m sure they didn’t mean any harm but it was very poorly done. That being said, under no circumstances should you bring a guest unless it says you can. That would be an even bigger faux pas. Not only are weddings expensive, there’s the whole seating chart issue. While, yes, attending a wedding alone kind of sucks, they have a budget to consider.
BTW, this is my first visit here and I love your blog!
If this is the worst thing that ever happens to you, you will have had a pretty good life. Perspective is everything and in the big and even small scheme of things although it may seem a slap in the face or an unintended reminder that you are not where you had hoped to be relationship wise at this point in your life, this ain’t no biggie.
1. sometimes i need distractions from the real world
2. because sometimes i wish i’d heard some of the stuff i’m saying at an earlier point in life.
i’ll stop
Anan — Look, I’m not trying to stop anyone from reading the blog, I’m just being honest. For someone who just needs a distraction from the real world, it would seem to me that you’d get that maybe this blog is my distraction from the real world of bills and boring meetings? And so maybe it makes me seem more one-sided than I am? I’m really not as shallow as a bathtub – I mean, I’m AT LEAST as shallow as swimming pool most of the time.
I’m not trying to offend, but I write about my life so when someone’s only comments are to criticize my writing style and how I lead my life, it is hard not to be a little annoyed with them. Just the nature of the game.
VJ – I guess I meant “critical” meaning negative and not actually “critical.” Your comments usually don’t seem reactionary to me and you clearly comment on almost everything I write … I just get a little huffy when people seem to ONLY have bad things to say to me over a long period of time.
Hug?
Don’t worry. I don’t get invited to weddings anymore because I am married.
Well, it may just be that since they didn’t know your address and sent it to your parents house, they assumed addressing it to the actual resident first would ensure that the mail carrier doesn’t think it was misaddressed… Yeah I’m grabbing on straws but I’ve had this dilemma with a housewarming party and I have received mailbacks when the person doesn’t live there but the relative does so who ever lives there gets first bidding.
Aaawww…But i’m sure they had a greater reason for it thou. Just be happy for your brother. And who knows it might be soon that you’ll take your walk to the altar. =) Good Luck in life!
I just helped my best friend address all 150 of her wedding invitations (she likes my handwriting better than her own - lucky me!) and, like others have said, this was a huge fax paus on the fault of the bride & groom. However, I would chalk it up to you guys knowing the groom - my best friend’s fiance was somewhat clueless when it came to the children of his parents’ friends - whether they were grown or not, where they lived, etc. But, as far as I know, if the child was grown, unless they were SURE he/she wouldn’t mind the invite being sent to the parents’ house, my friend bugged her fiance to find out his/her address and sent a separate invitation.
In fact, the whole idea that she sent a separate invite to you & your sister than to your parents really does baffle me…if she wasn’t going to send it directly to you, she could have AT LEAST put both you and your sister’s name on your parents’ invitation. Not that that would’ve been better, but less bizarre, in my opinion - I would have just thought they didn’t know my address.
I would have been very offended too, and I echo what the others have said - sign your name to your parents’ gift
OMGosh, I am a ditz - that was meant to be “faux-pas;” SO sorry. *blushes*
Charming — darlin’, take the good comments, delete the bad. It’s YOUR blog, so you can do anything you damn well please, right?
Kudo’s to you though, for speaking up to those you thought were critizing you. And you handled it without a single bit of “overreactionary drama” ha..ha..ha..! It took more gumption to bring it up like you did, than it would to delete or block negative comments. Good for you!
I read your blogs and think “good grief…that’s me! Well, 10 years ago I suppose, but still, the memories are still there. Or is that flashbacks? Sometimes it’s hard to tell.
I think that’s why I get your sarcasm, wit and general amusement that you have with yourself and the situations you find yourself in.
Girl, YOU are the Carrie Bradshaw of the South. Keep up the great stuff.
I agree it was at a minimum, terribly rude.
If it makes you feel any better, I was initally not supposed to bring a date to my own brother’s wedding (I was a bridesmaid). And had a very serious boyfriend. I made a fuss and he was allowed to attend. But of course, I was being selfish according to my now sister in law.
OMG! - That is outrageous.
Who gives them the right to say just because you are not in a couple that you don’t belong on your own invitation.
Maybe you had a plus one lined up - oh the importance of the plus one.
Or maybe you just got together with someone.
The whole situation is an outrage.
Your little sis should be on the invitation with your parents as she is still classed as a minor and isn’t ur offspring.
Still in shock!!!
xXx
From a guys point of view, wedding etiquette, is out the window. Do you want to go or don’t you? C’mon, RSVP and have some champagne.
anan - it’s time to pull the coal out of your ass, the diamond is done. Who the ‘F’ do you think you are? Go back to your catS.
This really hits a nerve with me and I was just looking for a place to vent. I have lived in Los Angeles over 20 years–came from Ohio. I have had family members who have never visited. I have made about 40 trips back. If I can work in 40–they could work in one every 10 years. I have received invitations to my own siblings wedding and even for nieces and nephews and no guest is included. I am personally very tired of all of the ways that we are supposed to accomodate couples and who made those rules. First it was married, then also engaged, then also shacked up and of course long term couples–what is long term. I have knows some very short term marriages–I have known some very life long friendships—I think it can be very lonely going to a wedding by yourself–I would at least like the option–it costs the travel plus the gift etc. Why do we so honor coupling yet think we can single out singles–no pun intended. I also think there seems to be a thing where single guys tend to get invitied with guest more while single women do not–it happened to me–and I had paid out also with a shower gift as well–beacuse of course women are the one that go to the showers. Gee–we can honor people in marriages that are not faithful–but we can not honor the feelings of someone–or their special and personal friendships. Not having the opportunity to invite someone also diminishes the opportunity to enhance a freindship or a budding relationship. Lifelong singles never seem to get showers, housewarmings etc. –but seem to shell out to the same people–shower, wedding, housewarming, babies. There is certainly more than one path in life and each persons life is just as important as another. Coupling is no more important than being single anymore than being white is more important than being black, young versus old, man versus woman etc.