Caught in the In Between May 28, 2007
Posted by charmingbutsingle in Dating, Daydreams, Friends, Life, Men, Single Girl Cliches.trackback
I have a tendency to live only in extremes. I am at once terribly motivated or downright apathetic, bursting with joy or flattened by despair, hysterically hopeful or ridiculously cynical.
Not in a mentally unstable way, of course. But in a way that can be almost comical. One day I am convinced that I will never speak to another man again, that I will never go on another date again, that I will die alone in my bathroom when I slip on a puddle and crack my head on the side of the tub and when they finally notice I am missing and come to my apartment, my mother will be horrified that my laundry basket full of bras and panties is sitting on the couch, high heels litter the living room floor and three empty bottles of wine clutter up the kitchen counter.
Then, of course, are the days where I am so optimistic about my future that I’m mentally monogramming towels and planning perfect dates and perfect date outfits and being annoyingly chipper about the romantic road ahead.
Take Passport. (Who, it is worth noting, has not called. It has been 16 days. Not that I’m counting. Really.) Something about tall boys with dark hair sends me into a state of frenzied hopefulness that lasts until something crazy happens – like he disappears for good, or another man does something so terribly stupid that I lose faith in the entire gender or someone I know announces that she is pregnant and I start mentally counting how many eggs I have left myself.
I haven’t quite decided if optimistic or cynical is easier for me – on one hand I am somewhat of a hopeless romantic who does want to believe that there’s someone out there for me. On the other hand I have dated some of the least eligible men in the world, been lied to, emotionally misled, made to feel inferior by some and generally creeped out by others. I could choose cynicism, and who would blame me? Conversely, I could plug my fingers in my ears and ignore the mounting evidence against happily ever after for a little longer, choosing instead to default to the fairy tale stories that nurtured my dreams as a child.
I try to maintain a balance – hopeful enough to stay open to a relationship, but cynical enough not to fall for the first guy to buy me a beer and check out my rack. But I’m constantly teetering between Woe Is Me and One Day My Prince Will Come.
As for Passport, much of my hope that he is interested is gone and what remains is bolstered by various friends from the Dating Committee who assure me that the next time we’re in the same town is crucial and will determine his intentions. Their well-meaning support is enough to keep me from completely writing him off – though conventional wisdom says I probably should.
For now, he’s relegated to the mental backburner while I forge ahead, with hope in my heart and cynicism is my step.
hi charming, i feel the same way. i’ve hitched, ditched, bitched men and i have been ditched by them as well. well sh** happens. but hey, there is still hope. but i have been more cautious, less trusting towards men. although sometimes, i allow myself the luxury to hope, think of happily ever afters and get caught in the moment.
to us jaded yet hopeful gals, may we get the happiness we deserve. cheers!
You could email him too. Way back in the dark ages some braver gals were known to actually call them too. Strangely enough sometimes this yielded more valuable information. Some possible scenario’s for the ‘disappearing male/interest’ from calls from days of yore. (I know, sickening, really…):
1.) ‘Honey, yeah it’s your GF on the phone. What do I want to know her name from, I’m just the wife. For this week at least’.
2.) ‘Honey, it’s your GF calling. Yeah tell her this kick ass BF would just Lurve to meet her too sometime, darling…’
3.) ‘Yeah Frank it’s for you. No it’s not your parole officer, it’s your lucky day it sounds like a goodn’!’
4.) ‘Yeah Bill it’s for you I’ll give you a 4 min break to clear whatever this one is up. Geez the last broad is still garnishing your wages too. But get back quick, this meat won’t cut itself!’
5.) ‘No Ma, I got it!’
6.) ‘Hey Look kid, I told you no personal calls here, tell her you’ll call her back tonight when the shift is through’.
7.) ‘I don’t know lady, we’ve not seen him since April here either. He’s got plenty of people lookin’ for him too. He owes you money or something?’
8.) ‘You’re looking for daddy? Are you my new mommy?’
9.) [Voice mail for some seemingly slightly shady but totally unknown modeling/loan/real estate/export/drugs firm of dubious origin].
10.) The jackpot: the man himself, apologizing profusely and using a totally believable excuse, or better still, the more interested, better looking and more ’steady & stable’ roommate.
It’s all possible in the roulette of life. So after awhile you might want to shoot him a totally funny email & just say ‘Hey!’. It probably can’t hurt much. (Not after a few weeks to month at least!) It’s a thought. And yes, I used to write for the sitcoms as a kid, why do you ask? Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’
The ‘Cheers & Good Luck’.. for soem reason it drives me crazy…
I’m a lot like that, too. t freaks people out when I’m the good extreme though. An upbeat Walin is a thing to behold when you’ve only seen the gloomy one.
And never lose hope, because then you’re desperate, and desperate people do desperate things. Not always good.
Hey CBS, I can totally relate. I haven’t gotten to the stage of counting my eggs yet, but most of my friends have, and that scares me. The rest? Yep, that’s me, except I think I have more “I’ll be alone” days than ‘Of course he’s out there” moments. The funny part is, people tell you (Wailin, I hear you) not to seem desperate because that’s off-putting but as a good friend put it “I AM kinda desperate!”.
Good luck and hang in there! Oh, and by the way, I actually put my vote in with VJ- I say call/mail Passport, say something related to what you guys talked about and tell him to look you up when he’s in town next. Honestly, can’t hurt!
I completely relate to this post. I especially loved that last line “…hope in my heart, cynicism in my step..”
I agree with VJ/M about mailing/calling Passport. I would never do it but maybe that is why I am still single.
Oh dear oh dear, this bank holiday weekend has really put people in a bit of a rut as far as thinking to the future or contemplating the past and how to rectify that.
I hope you choose which way you would prefer to go however i would advice on sticking to both as there is no harm in swaying from side to side once in a while.
At least your mind is open to many aspects rather than just one closed room.
Take care and good luck
xXx
Good call. Don’t put all your eggs in Passport’s basket for now, but keep open to hopefully seeing him again soon and having more of a chance next time to move things forward.
I feel like that sometimes… I’m afraid to get a cat because wouldn’t that just seal the deal?
So….I have a question……How tall is tall?
I’m right there with ya! Some days I’m totally content with my life, and love the ability to pick up and do whatever and flirt with random boys. And then there’s the days where I really want to ask “Why can’t I find The One?” Today’s one of those Why days…
Advice from a guy. If he didn’t call you’re not that important to him. It’s important to know that from the get go since that rarely improves.
don’t despair, Charming. you WILL find someone when the time is right. oh wait, that’s soooo cliche. Sorry. All i can do is say always be yourself and do what you do best. i’ve been engaged twice, married and divorced, kids and all that crap. Now i’m at the “now what” phase in my life, so i bought a house. you could always buy a house. at least that will keep you steadily busy
LOL, i’m a sucky advice giver huh?
OMG yeah… I think you should call him. That way you’ll just be able to move forward – in one way or another. Though it sounds like you are doing that anyway which is good. *Sigh* Dating is hard sometimes.
He’s too passive! Or maybe lazy. If he were that interested he would have called by now. Just keep moving forward.
I’m with lulu…just about any guy will say the same…if he was interested NOTHING would have stopped him…even though I tend to make excuses for the men that don’t call me
I’m surrree they wanted to they just….
yeah…that’s my life
haha
Do guys disappear into nowhere for you too? I can’t tell you how many times a guy has just vanished into the clear blue sky. I mean, hell, most of the time I haven’t even slept with them yet. It’s crazy!
Aw, I wish he’d called. I’m not a huge fan of the “He’s Just Not That Into You” movement. Actually, I generally think it’s crap. But it was rude to take your number, say he was going to see you real soon, and then disappear. I think the situation with you knowing the same people can be very intimidating for guys. But, well, who wants the guy who can be intimidated? Or who is blind enough to think he’s going to have unlimited chances to date a hot, strong, awesome woman? What does he think? People like you grow on trees? (Would he seriously hold out for one who is within a 15 minute drive of his house?)
Love in extremes… I hear you… lets just call it the artists way of doing life.
charming, call him.
As one of your friends probably drunkenly whispered in passport’s ear about your weblog, I can well imagine him reading about himself and freaking. He was having a good night out — you were thinking about babies, “the one”, etc., etc. Which isn’t to say a woman shouldn’t size up a man’s genetic material, that they’ve just met, but probably best not to do it in public.
As soon as he caught just a hint of a whiff of any of that stuff: road runner, cloud of dust, meep meep!
I think you yourself should do what passport has done — head off into the wide blue yonder and knock off some of those self-pitying soft edges. Also, knock yourself off a hot young Aussie or Kiwi guy into the bargain. London’s swarming with them, and as an American femme fatale, with a soft southern accent, you could hardly miss.
francis — I can promise you that this did not happen, as I am 100 percent anonymous and none of my friends would even know to tell him that I blogged. Also, I have said it before and I’ll say it again, I am not moving to another country to find a man. That’s just ridiculous.
Mmmmm, anonymity is golden, but you drop enough clues in your posts — and you have a distinct style — that those in your close circle probably do know. All I’m saying is, the male readers of this blog wouldn’t be surprised if it happened that passport had, in fact, read about himself and didn’t much care for it.
Anyway, remember this. No man can resist a woman who laughs like a drain at his jokes. And a sneering but playful distance will lure him in to his doom.
Also, cosseted American, have you ever travelled? No one said anything about moving. Travelling is different. Try it. You might like it.
I am 99.9 percent certain that no one knows about this. Promise promise promise.
I have travelled, but not nearly as much as I’d like to. There’s that little matter of the finances and, um, having a job that doesn’t just let you take a month off to bum around Europe. Right now my main goals are to get myself in a better position to buy a house — and unfortunately I’m not going to get there by quitting working to travel for a long span of time. But it would be a nice idea. (That said, I do have Italy in 2008 plans and Paris in 2009 plans, though those would be 10-day to two-week trips.)
Also, I’m not looking for tons of fun flings at this point. Been there, done that. I’m ready for an actual relationship, thankyouverymuch. So I’m not going to meet some Italian guy on a one-week stop in Europe, fall madly in love and drag him to the States. Just not going to happen.
And I’m a touch put off by the suggestion that there are NO datable men where I live. If I said that, everyone would jump on me for being negative. But when someone from outside says that, it is okay? No thanks.
“No man can resist a woman who laughs like a drain at his jokes. And a sneering but playful distance will lure him in to his doom.”
Yeah. But then you’re stuck laughing like a fool at some guy who may or may not be worth the effort. And TRUST ME, I have inadvertently just let some guy THINK I was playfully sneering at him and his romantic aspiration. It wasn’t pretty.
I teeter too.
I blame the assholes who give us hope that things will be wonderful for the time that we’re with them and beyond and for killing that hope during the brief period after them.
Wow, Charming, you put it into words better than I ever could. I too know the feeling of moving between optimism and “no woman will ever love me”. While this week I have definitely been forced into the cynical side of things, hopefully one day I will return to balance between the two that you speak of. I wonder, though, when you’re single, is it even possible not to live between extremes?
Of course, I have no doubt that one day, indeed, your prince will come.
this post sounds like it was taken straight out of my own mind. nice to know i’m not alone with those thoughts! ha!