The Circle of Dating (Title sung to the tune of “The Circle of Life” from the Lion King, which you will now have stuck in your head all day. You’re welcome.) June 3, 2007
Posted by charmingbutsingle in Cooking, Dating, Friends, Life, Men, Single Girl Cliches, Wheat Thins and Wine.trackback
I find that I go through three predictable stages each time I find myself in a bit of a dry spell, man-wise. Like the phases of the moon, I can chart my desire to find water in the vast desert of alone-ness pretty precisely, which is helpful when I find myself in the Woe-Is-Me and I-Am-Quitting mindset.
The first stage is one of total and utter distress. I announce to everyone, including but not limited to, my friends, family members, strangers I meet in bars and people I share an elevator with that “Dating. Is. Hard.” I soon follow that up with an “I am trying so hard! You wouldn’t believe how hard I am trying! Don’t you hear me telling you how hard I am trying!”
Stage One is when I annoy friends about why they don’t introduce me to Single Men. Stage One is when I am most likely to text message old flings after two glasses of wine. And then again after the third. And then again when I get home.
Stage One is not pretty. It is also very tiring.
After a few weeks or months of intense distress over the state of my love life, I slip into the second stage of the dry spell, during which I unleash my inner Hermit upon my apartment. I lounge about in my trusty black capri-length sweat pants, a tank top and leopard-print fuzzy slippers, hair piled in a messy twist of waves atop my head, face free of anything other than moisturizer. I eat take out and drink white wine and beer while I obsessively rub lotion on my knees and elbows. I watch hours of Grey’s Anatomy DVDs, both Bridget Jones’s movies and whichever of the following four movies fits my mood: “Little Miss Sunshine,” “The Devil Wears Prada,” “Elizabethtown” or “Thank You For Smoking.” And I read Glamour magazine with a critical eye and announce to no one in particular that anyone who wears a $1,200 dress or dares to go out and be social when she could be snuggled under the covers is just plain nuts.
Stage Two is also when I am most likely to pine after something fatty and full of sugar. And not in a way that can be cured by eating one cupcake or one cookie or one gallon of Blue Bell ice cream. But in the way that I become obsessed with one particular type of food – right now, it is Blondies. All I think about day in and day out is Blondies with gooey centers. Blondies with chocolate chips and pecans. Blondies with white chocolate chips and almonds. Blondies with paper clips and tree bark and ants.
Of all of the stages, I have to say that I like Stage Two the best. (Though in recent years I try to avoid buying anything that could resemble and/or be turned into a sweet, because once I go down the road of gooey treat over-eating, I find it hard to go back.)
Stage Two is no muss, no fuss. I become obsessed with bad TV shows. I trim my split ends. I revel in the fact that I do not have to go anywhere if I do not want to. Because I said so and I am in charge.
I become one with my alone-ness.
Lately, however, I can scarcely handle more than a weekend or two of Stage Two behavior. I get bored. I begin to force myself to put on my ballet flats and leave the house. I start to yell at Bridget Jones and Meredith Grey to just Get Over It when they grace my TV screen. I remember that I am only 27 and I have good years ahead of me. That dating is hard, but so what? That my elbows are looking pretty soft and it would be a shame to waste such well-moisturized elbows on my pillows and blankets.
Enter Stage Three.
Stage Three brings me back to unbridled optimism and hope. I momentarily forget that I am bitter and am reminded of only how great a Certain Look or the Light Graze of Fingertips is. I have total Dating Amnesia, which is necessary, I think. Because sometimes I become to focused on the bad. And I’m learning every day to remember that Life Plans and Timelines were made to be thrown out. To focus not on the outsiders looking in, but on the person looking out, as she is the one who actually has to live this life.
Mark my words. Next weekend, I enter Stage Three.
But first I’m going to bake a pan of Blondies*.
* My Blog Crush Smitten Kitchen posted this ridiculously simple and versatile recipe that is basic perfection and a total crowd-pleaser. I made a double batch with semi-sweet chocolate chips added in for Mother’s Day and I am not exaggerating when I say that I could not get them cut into squares and arranged on a plate from the prying hands of my family members who ate a casserole-sized pan full of the things with glee. And I will tell you that cooking a dish from scratch – even a very easy one – and seeing my loved ones enjoy it warms my cold, bitter heart.
I so know these stages! This time my stage 2 is pot roast. Go figure. I’m still new at this (again) but Isn’t there a fourth stage? one where actual dates with actual men occur who actually call back?
just wondering….
If it helps, I’ve been eating like a pig, but it’s been homemade bread and smoked sausage… because that’s all I have available, really. Course, stage 2 has been a good several months going, with intermittent days of stage three scattered sparsely throughout.
For something different to watch I just discovered Dexter on Showtime. Good wholesome CSIesque drama about a blood splatter expert.. who also happens to be a serial killer. But maybe I’m just weird.
Never made a blondie myself, but I’ll have to try Smitten’s recipe. Pass along my envy to her, also.
Oh shoot! I didn’t realize I was in stage two until I looked down and saw what I was wearing: black, comfie capri’s, tank top, hair piled on head with scrunchie and face sans makeup! All the while, doing a deep cleaning on the apartment, extra vacuum attachments being utilized, and all. Well shoot… now I need some pudding.. mmm…warm, yummy pudding….none of the instant crap!
“I lounge about in my trusty black capri-length sweat pants, a tank top and leopard-print fuzzy slippers, hair piled in a messy twist of waves atop my head, face free of anything other than moisturizer.”
That sounds hot!
I have been reading you for about 6 months now, so it’s time I say thank you for sharing all this, specially with the humor; I’m 27, recently had my heart ripped into little tiny pieces (again!) and this thing where it’s seems impossible to meet someone nice to hug IT’S HARD.
So thanks for sprinkling it with a joke here and there.
Have a great week!
i think i might be going backwards… i feel like i’m in stage 3 going back to stage 2 again. optimisim is tiring haha!
You are sooooo someone I could be friends with, IRL!
PS: I’ve got a recipe for some Cheesy Chicken Pasta that is to die for if you’re interested!
Brad, I thought exactly the same when I read this… lol
at stage 2 she becomes one with being one.
i like the elbows. droll.
OK C, It’s probably time for a pet right about now. Call it ‘Stage 4′, learning that dogs & some cats have distinct advantages over humans. And yes, this usually helps put things in perspective. As long as the numbers remain low, right? Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’
I have a pumpkin bread recipe that I know I can always bake (from scratch!) if I want to make my husband go absolutely gaga for me. ; )
Good luck with Stage 3! Sounds like the best one to me, honestly. =P
Narami — I’m so sorry about your heartbreak. I recommend Blondies and Cosmopolitans and your girlfriends. In whatever order work for you.
Brad and Leonard — Trust me, it is more dumpy than hot. Plus, you’d never get to see it, because I’d never leave hometo meet you and I wouldn’t let you come into my apartmentto seeme.
VJ –First off, let’s be clear. The only pet I’d ever get is a dog. I dislike cats with a passion. Also, I live in a second-story apartment with a ridiculously high pet deposit and I think a puppy needs a place to run and play other than my small living room. Also, I know women who got dogs to offer companionship. It is fun at first, but it eventually becomes tiring. And you ultimately can’t replace a man with a dog. People have tried and failed.
I’m with Brad and Leonard.
and Charming if “Trust me, it is more dumpy than hot. Plus, you’d never get to see it, because I’d never leave hometo meet you and I wouldn’t let you come into my apartmentto seeme.” is true and the guys who comment here are saying this is the most appealing stage maybe there is a mix up here between what you think brings in the guys (stage 3 clothes and makeup) and what guys actually want.
If you are hunting men it wouldn’t hurt to use your comments section as a way to learn about us.
That is what is missing from my life…blondies! Yum!
Wow ! I never put much thought into it, but I go through a lot of the same stages. They might not be exactly the same, but I can totally relate. The good part is that we don’t stay in the depression or pissed off stage for too long. They would be yucky places to be stuck.
I like stage 3 - heading back into the world full of optimism and hope. That’s a nice place to be.
I’m so making blondies today!!!! WOOHOO!!
I was just reminded of this one time when an ex surprised me with Blue Bell ice cream because I had never had it before. It is delicious! Especially with blondies!
I am wavering between Stage 2 and Stage 3, and just printed the Blondies recipe to use not for me, but to lure a man. I have a lovely Irish neighbor who thrives on my baked goods…and he’s not so bad to look at either! Good luck - I’m right there with ya, sister.
THIS was my favorite post yet. Life plans and time lines were made to be thrown out - thank you for reminding me! Especially this week. I loved this. Nice, well put and articulate sharing.
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Kittu — Next time, at least pretend to have read the post and leave an on topic comment. Otherwise, I will delete all of your comments as spam.
This is the third or fourth time in the last week or so that’s someone’s posted a similar off-topic comment about their blog on this post. This is technically spam. And trust me, if I start marking your comments as spam, you will find it hard to post comments on any blog that uses spam filters. And who wants that?
The ownage.. it burns my eyes… in a good way.
It’s with great pleasure that I cycle back and forth between stages 2 and 3. Instead of food, though, I find myself enjoying far too many cocktails.
I have found that therapy in a bottle is my stage one but the other 2 stages are quite accurate…
I find that the gym aides in the transition between Stage 2 and 3…
Passport EAT YOUR HEART OUT!!
My stages are Stage #1…crying and feeling sorry for myself
Stage #2…goingout with my girls to meet men or try online dating to meet a new man.
Stage #3…Find a new man and start to feel better. lol
Ok, I just got to this post, (been away for the weekend) I love how you put this into stages, you are so right…we all do the same thing, except for me it’s light blue doc’s scrubs (extremely comfortable) old football tee’s and Lost DVD’s yelling at “Kate” that she needs to leave Sawyer alone! I don’t shave, until I look like tom hanks from cast away. keep in mind that you have those friends, and all of us on here to get you out of stage two. And while I agree that I wouldn’t go out in the scrubs to pic up girls. guys are visual creatures, and make-up, and high heels are not always needed…we are all looking for the girl next door, that girl who looks great in capris and scrunchies, but also likes to get dolled up every now and then, cause you know we are visual. so keep that in mind, and faded ripped jeans, nikes, and a sweatshirt with baseball hat rocks when you go shoping.
i swear i think we have the same thought process. my stage one is similar but i go around asking friends of friends to introduce me to “any one who is single… let them know!” that doesn’t usually work. my phase two is very similar as well but i’m a “Law and Order” junkie. Nothing says lovin like a 12 hour marathon on TNT.
it’s so great to know someone understands this crappy “dating” world that some of us are potentially stuck in. for now anyway!
It’s seriously beyond me how people meet outside a learning environment. : /
What are Blondies, and what’s stage 4?
I second the “what are blondies” question of coatman. Never seen them here in CA.
I have a completely selfish question to ask, Charming: is there a Stage 0? The one before you start pushing yourself like crazy on the world, where you’re still saying “I’m never going out again”? How do you deal with that stage?