The Five Things I Should Not Know by the End of Our First Date July 18, 2007
Posted by charmingbutsingle in Dating, Listing is fun and easy, Men, Single Girl Cliches.trackback
The companion piece to the other day’s “The Five Things I Should Know by the End of Our First Date.”
How many beers you can drink in two hours. No one, especially me, wants to babysit a drunken date. A drunken first date? I’m likely to leave. Slurring makes conversation awkward at best and downright impossible at worse. If you can’t dial your drinking down to get to know me, chances are that you’re someone I don’t really want to know. Trust me, I enjoy a drink as much as the next social butterfly, but too much alcohol on a first date is a sign of either extreme nerves, a dependency on alcohol or a lacking sense of appropriateness. And none of these things are qualities that make my heart flutter or my cheeks flushed. (Or it could be that you don’t like me and need to drink to put up with me. And who wants that! Save us both some time and cut the date short – politely, of course.)
Anything (and/or everything) about your failed relationships. Why your Ex would be a topic of conversation you’d choose for a First Date is beyond me. Do you not have other things to talk about? Are you so hung up on her that you should even be out with me? Are you a semi-professional heartbreaker or chronically dumped? Should I worry that you have nail clippings, strands of hair or old socks from your ex-girlfriends arranged in a shrine at your place? (‘Cause seriously, I am always losing socks. MAYBE IT IS THE DRYER THAT EATS THEM. Maybe men all over town have stolen them for nefarious purposes!) Save the Ex Chat for later meetings. Chances are if you, like me, have some dating deficiencies in your past, those will come out later. And by then I’m more likely to be somewhat enamored with you and better suited to offer an understanding ear to your dating woes. (Lord knows I have my own, neatly organized and cataloged and everything!) We all have baggage, but unloading yours on the first date makes me worry that it might come unloose and smack me right in the head.
That you’ll do anything to get laid. Not to sound like a prude, but I’d rather not have to fight off your strong sexual advances on our first date. Some light flirting, maybe a kiss I’m feeling the chemistry. But insinuating that we should take the date to the next level, head to my place, go upstairs or anything else physical should be reserved for future dates. I’m trying to get to know you and that’s kind of difficult if you’re shoving a tongue into my ear. Can’t hear your witty banter then, mmmkay? And while you might mean to just show that you are interested, it isn’t flattering when a man wants to hop into bed so quickly. It simply confirms any suspicion I have that you’re not interested in more than a fling. Or worse, it makes me question your view of me. Or even worse than that, it makes me think that you are really hard up and will sleep with anyone one you meet. None of these are things I should be worrying about during Date One. Leave something to the imagination – trust me, if the date went well, my mind will be racing, full of scenarios for the future.
How seriously cynical you truly are about life. Adulthood is tough, I know. We all have to work and pay bills and we can’t just roll around in the grass and eat ice cream and play Twister and sleep until noon. And yeah, sucks. First dates are not about this. In fact, good first dates should be a break from the monotony. A chance to learn about someone new, not another time to complain about life. Smile. Chin up. If you can’t lose the bad attitude for a date, you’re certainly not going to be able to shake it a few months down the line. And, frankly, I don’t need more downers in my life.
Your bank balance, take-home pay or the worth of your stock portfolio. You work hard. You take care of yourself. And that, my friend, is good to hear. But rattling off information about how much you make in a year or bragging about your assets is just too boastful for me. Money isn’t why we’re on this date and it certainly isn’t going give me a hug after a long day. You should have enough confidence in yourself that you shouldn’t feel the need to impress me with financial chatter. And you shouldn’t think that I care about the bottom line so much. Also, it only bores me. I’ve found that the people who brag constantly about their wealth are only concerned about showing off for others, and that’s a character trait I’m just not that into.
So that’s that. And I probably should be glad to find out these things about men early on, so that I don’t end up wasting time dating someone who isn’t right for me.
Great list! I agree with all your above points except the failed relationships. Sometimes I like knowing that information on the first date just to give me an idea of what this guy’s dating style is like and if he has been seriously committed to someone in the past. I dont want to know particulars just a brief mention of why he is still single.
I hate it when men talk about their earnings and assets in a way that it implies that I am on the date only because of their money. Maybe it’s because I’m not materialistic in that regard.
I have only been reading your blog for a short time but I am in love with it already! Thanks for all the fabulous posts!
Again all well & good C. But let’s take this from the ‘other’ side too. I can’t give a fuller treatment here so just some of the highlights will suffice.
Some things we really don’t need to know on a first date:[From the guys]:
1.) That you consider yourself just so stunning & desirable that you can not hold or limit your attention to the table without flirting with every desirable male within spitting distance.
2.) That you’ll yawn noticeably and loudly when you want to signal that ‘you’re bored’. Yeah we got it love. We can see it in your eyes. No one’s home today. Got it.
3.) That you consider yourself to be a ’sexual athlete’, and smile so sweetly when you make this claim that we want to believe you. But then go on to act so shockingly, well disappointed, that we did not immediately take you up on the suggestion in the wash room, that it’ll make most men’s head’s spin.
4.) We get that you’re this cool ‘Indy rock chick’. We really don’t need to hunt all over town for your favorite cigar/cigs/vodka/ fav drug to finish off the meal ‘in style’.
5.) That you’re really tight with your therapist and will tell us what went down ‘this week’ in session.
6.) We really don’t need to hear how badly your last BF/Husband/Ex treated/abused/left you. Save that for another time perhaps. We’re sure it’s interesting and will provide plenty of needed insights though.
7.) That you’ll freak out at the merest suggestion of any sort of physical intimacy. Again there’s probably perhaps many good & valid reasons for this, and we may get to hear them later. Once we’ve washed out the pepper spray out from our eyes after going in for an ‘ill timed’ kiss.
8.) That your daddy is twice than man we are. And makes more money. And is way more important than we’ll ever be. And treats you better than any man you’ve ever met. We know this already. Believe us, we know this. We were trying hard to over look it.
9.) Try and act interested in the conversation even if you may be more than slightly bored by it or don’t understand all of it. ‘Mongol hordes’ is a phrase of speech. Not a genetic defect. If you can’t keep up hon, we Can & will make you more entertaining to us. This may come off far less pretty than imagined too, and still involve no curses, touching, direct insults or disrobing.
10.) We know that you called your gal pals when in the restroom and that they’re due to ‘rescue’ you any minute from your ‘worse than Gitmo’ experience. See we come here often, and Trix is our favorite waitress for a really good reason. No, <25 min alone with a geek/nerd/music major is long enough to endure for the likes of talented fabulous you. But yeah, we’ll be wanting you to pay part of the freight then. A tip perhaps? Thanks. That would be nice.
Just some thoughts on the theme. Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’
lol VJ. I do truly ejoy your posts, and teasing you about them sometimes. Longwinded or no.
Both good lists, Charming. Sometimes knowing what NOT to do is better than knowing what to do. I don’t have many first dates, but unconciously I think we all look for about the same messages on them.
If you’re cute but clueless about it, funny, smart, and can carry a conversation you generally haven’t much to worry about. With me at least.
All five are excellent reminders of why I’m glad I’m not a female in the dating pool (along with the pain involved in pooping out ~8lb humans). Even though according to your archives it’s occasionally gone on vacation at key moments, you have a very discerning eye. Still, were it not for the drama, life would be nothing more than a mediocre sitcom, and there are already enough of those clogging up the world.
Into every life a little dipshit must fall, from time to time. It’s how we deal with them that matters.
I love the bank balance bit- it is possibly the most unattractive and annoying discussion topic!!! Great post!
OMG! You nailed it! The first date should be light and fun!
Well said!!
I couldn’t be in more agreement with you!
Girl, I feel I should take these two lists out to my next first date and hand them out at the beginning, to make life easier.
But then again, that would make it on VJ’s list of things not to do. . .
I LOVE these! Awesome!
Great list Charming. I think you could inspire VJ to finally start his own blog
A males perspective. Great list. It too bad there are so many of those types out there to begin with, the ego-driven. I guess I am one of those in the smaller percentage that actually thinks your list is how life should be done- a little softer. But to be honest I have had dates where the shoe was on the other foot. Where she was going on and on about the money - or worse how pretty she was as though she needed that reassurance from me on the first date and yes I would have mentioned how good she looked. I do have manors and all.
I don’t get Dating. I mean, why make a conveyor belt, machine-like process out of something that is supposed to be natural and spontaneous? First Dates Rules, Second Date Rules, Third Date Rules…jeez, just write a manual full of bulleted lists and be done with it.
Life can be fun without putting yourself through this kind of anxiety-driven ‘oh-my-god-I’m-not-WITH-anyone’ kind of stress.
Chill, s’all I’m sayin’.
GREAT list, Char.
Great list…
I like to see people out on first dates… especially when you see them out eating somewhere and you can eavesdrop on their conversation. So awkward sometimes.
I agree and disagree with GrantTLC… I don’t got for some of the rules… “wait three days” bullshit, if I want to call beforehand, I do. But, there are something that I don’t want to hear about on the first date… [which is a lot of what VJ mentioned].
I have to add one. Informing your date that you have multiple felonies, but none of them are violent. As if that will make you feel better.
I totally agree. There in lies the reason I do not date anymore. Men and wonder alike, drustrate me to the point of wanting to smack them silly.
I think I will come back and read some more of your stuff
Two thumbs up!
I’ve had a wonderful time tonight. Really, I have. You’re sweet. Genuine. Intelligent. And when you offered me a bit of your Creme Brulée, well, I just knew it was on. However, if I’m not back in my parent’s home by 11, my ankle braclet makes this whole big scene. So, I’ll call you tomorrow then?
I loved this! I find that nothing turns me off more than a guy who doesn’t necessarily get drunk, but tells me how much he can drink, the times he can’t remember what he did when he got drunk (thank goodness for photos!) and/or what he’s broken (chairs/lamps/bones) while drunk. What is a girl supposed to say to that? Well done? Congratulations? Wowee, do you want to order dessert?
Why do guys get the notion that any of that is a good idea.
we share the same brain.
only yours is much more eloquent.
i will link to this in my post tomorrow.