He’s Not Flirting, He’s Just Southern July 22, 2007
Posted by charmingbutsingle in Being Southern, Dating, Friends, Men, Single Girl Cliches.trackback
I have previously professed an undying love for Southern Men and their gentlemanly charms and their slow accents, which make even the most basic of compliments sound ever so much sweeter.
Lately it seems as if I’ve fallen in the trap of mistaking polite Southern Man Gestures for actual interest. Which is just awkward and mildly annoying. You would think my 27 and a half years in this region would make me less likely to falsely fall for these friendly gestures. Because I could not tell you have many drinks these Gentlemen have purchased for me out of politeness. How many darling conversations I’ve had with them. Friendly dances, doors opened. And so many times I’ve sat across from a kind, flirtatious man I’ve just met, usually through a friend, and known, “He has no interest in dating me. He is merely being polite because that is his nature.”
But I am not always so discriminating. A few weeks back I met a guy through friends. I ran into my friends at dinner at a place next to the bar where I was seeing an evening show. At dinner, they had seen this group of guys they knew and soon we were all going to the show together.
One of the guys chatted with me most of the evening and donated two beers to the “[Charming] Needs a Drink” fund – without me asking. He was single and seemed to be having a nice time talking to me in between songs. To the point that a friend looked over and gave me a “He seems nice! Reel him in!” thumbs up. He spoke to my other friends, but spent the most time with me. And he hung around with me after his buddies had left our group. He gave me a polite hug when he left and said he’d be seeing me around. The next day he e-mailed my friend and said he’d had a nice time hanging out with our group and listed all of us by name.
I saw him once again a few weeks later and, to be honest, I was expecting another round of flirtation. But it was not to be – if he was flirting, it was all of the women I was with. He was polite to a fault and friendly with all of us. And he e-mailed us the next day to tell us he’d enjoyed seeing us and his brother shared an iPhone picture he’d taken of us. But that was it. Polite and well mannered? Of course. Interested in dating one of us? I don’t think so. A few beers bought and conversation shared is just that.
Because, you see, he isn’t flirting. It’s just his nature.
his friend has an iPhone? How cool is that
Either that, or he likes your friends. Or he just doesn’t know how to close the deal.Its the only thing you haven’t considered. You might think that he was extremely charming, but what does he think of himself?
Interesting blog.
Billy Badass
I’m not sure he wasn’t flirting with you. His behavior from the first evening as you’ve described in your post–donating two beers to the Charming Needs a Drink fund, focusing his attention almost exclusively on you, and so on–corresponds to how I would behave if I were interested in someone and want to find out if she’s a prospective date.
Of course, I’m not exactly from the South (I grew up in Southeast Asia, and I now live, work, and play in Northern California), so my interpretation could be way off.
Meh. Could just be manners, as she’s assessed. But I’ve never been in said situation so I couldn’t say from my own experience.
This could be payback for all the times we’ve simply smiled at a fellow b/c he was nice, and he mistook it as a sign that we are madly in love. ; )
Yep, yep…turns out those Southern Gents can reallly confuse a girl. I thought when he was telling me that all he does is work and go home and when he was asking me if I had a boyfriend, that he was expressing interest. Nope, turns out he was just making polite conversation and he was going home to his girlfriend later. (sigh..)
Southern manners are what I miss most and what I miss least, now that I no longer live in Texas. In NYC, I no longer have to decipher if it’s just manners talking - but damn, how I miss having all my drinks bought with no strings attached.
As a Southern man, I’m with billy… Sounds at least as likely that he is a bit shy… doesn’t know how to make a move and/or close the deal. Maybe this is a case where the lady being a bit forward could come in handy. At least you could solve the mystery…
It sounds to me like another case of “he’s just not that into you”. But being a Southern gent he was still maintaining his politeness.
How confusing! Glad I live in Cali where flirting is flirting. At least most of the time…
Some of the guys might be right…..he may just be inapt in closing the deal.
it’s true. some of us are just conversationalists with an inherent interest in other human beings. easily mistaken for flirtation sometimes.
With Southern men, I find that if you are SURE they are just being nice, then they are just being nice. If you are NOT sure, if some part of you is turning the potential over and over in your mind, well, they might like you. No guarantees, just the possibility. Sometimes there’s a reason they aren’t closing the deal, though. Better not to push it. If they like you, and if they are ready and willing to date you, they’ll let you know for sure sooner or later.
Gee, I’ve done this in one sense or another for a very long time. Basically, it also means that if you’re interested in the gent, and think he might be too, you’ve got to put yourself forward. That makes it more clear to all concerned. So yeah, this will only remind you that there truly are good guys out there, and they do know what to do & how, when & why to do it. They may just be ambivalent about your role in it! (I know…) Still this is always something useful to observe and see in action. Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’
Perhaps us ladies are so used to brash behaviour that when we meet a gentleman we think it is flirting? Maybe that is the underlying issue…
Do you ever wonder if any of your friends and/or romantic interests read your blog? If so, are you concerned about what they’ll think when they read it?
That’s why she stays anonymous. It’s why we almost all do. I know my ex reads mine, and constantly say what I think about her (good, bad, or indifferent) in it. Some of us choose not to do that though.
I would totally like Southern men. They remind me of the guys back home, opening doors, paying for drinks, being very polite and agreeable, just because you’re a woman and that is their role as a man… as it should be every where!
I love Southern men too. Your post just made me so homesick! But I’m sorry it didn’t work out. I do think he kind of got your hopes up a bit more than that - there was some particular-to-you attention there… And I don’t think you necessarily misread the original situation.
Oh, and trust me, a Southern man’s behavior is a lot more than simply “not brash.” I think Enna nailed it with the “If you’re not sure, it’s because he’s not sure…”
I bet the distance and the mutual group of friends did it for him. If he got involved with you, it would have to be fairly serious right away. He may think he wants a player phase right now…
I was wondering if anyone ever did a study on this type of thing. I think there is a book on the flirting or dating habits of Southern vs Northern ladies and gentlemen.
I think this goes for Italian guys too … lol
You’re not alone.
Thanks, Model, I think you’re on to something
Maybe when in doubt, it is best to ask a question?
it’s all fun and games until they ask for your phone number.
Southern Men have got that mysterious thing down pat. i have been duped many times!
In a situation like that, it could take time to learn if you can trust someone. Take risks, but let them be guarded risks.
[...] We exchanged a few e-mails and then I saw him twice in passing with the same friend and he was very friendly each time. The second time I passed on one side of the street while he was sitting having a beer on the other side and he ran across to give me a hug. And my friend said “[Charming]! Who is that guy? We’ve seen him twice this week and I think he likes you.” And I explained that “He’s not interested, he’s just Southern.” [...]
I just came across this by accident while looking for something else; and while I see there has been no further discussion here for a year, I just thought I’d give my two cents worth, what with being a Southern man and all. I’ve lived in Nashville all my 40 years, and I can tell you from the heart that as a Southern man, it is definitely in our nature (for most of us) to be flirtatious in the most innocent of ways. We get genuine enjoyment out of making a woman (or group of women) smile and feel at ease weather interested in dating them or not. There is also generally an inherent reflex in us to be hospitable to guests and strangers, but that usually goes for both sexes in the South. We, in turn, also do not like to impose on those we are guests of…For example, if someone offers us a glass of sweet tea, we will usually refuse one or two times before finally accepting, graciously…All of this may sound like we are pushovers, but that’s hardly the case. While we don’t like to impose on others, we aren’t afraid of defending ourselves or others who aren’t able to protect themselves…That’s one thing I’ve never understood about Yankees. I have seen too many times on the news where there has been an incident in public, where someone was being attacked and no one steps in to help them out. I can tell you that never happens here.
I suppose I’m more than a Southerner; I’m a proud Southerner. If any of you Yankees want to come visit, that’s fine. We’ll show y’all a good time, and feed you right. Just don’t confuse our kindness and hospitality with love! Hahaha!