Mama I’m a Big Girl Now August 6, 2007
Posted by charmingbutsingle in Advice People Give Me, Being Southern, Family, Friends, Life, Random Musings on Life, Single Girl Cliches, Why I Write, Women.trackback
My mother, who is quite intuitive, has noticed my high level of stress lately. And when I say that she is intuitive, I mean that she noticed that I was talking quickly and loudly and angrily and overreacting and near tears at one point. My tell is that my bubbly personality which brims with a hint of cynicism morphs to frantic pessimism when I am worn down. I’d been puppysitting for my parents this week and I stopped by to see them when they returned from vacation and pick up piles of laundry I’d washed while they were gone. And I was generally being disagreeable – I’m not too proud to say that when I am extremely tired, and I mean sleep-deprived tired, and grumpy, I act like a three-year-old who hasn’t had her nap. I was griping about not wanting to get dolled up and be sociable for someone’s birthday, not because she isn’t great, but because I was feeling less than friendly. Finally, my mom, quite awesomely, said, “[Charming], just put on a sundress, pull your hair off of your face and knot it back – it looks so pretty like that – and slap on some dangly earrings – you have many pairs – and go drink a margarita and relax. It will make you feel better.”
And then she invited me for lunch on Sunday.
Sunday afternoon came and we were sitting in the kitchen with the shade down because it was so hot, drinking iced tea like the Southern Ladies we are, when she broached the subject in a way that she knew would appeal to my intellectual side.
“I read this article about this young woman who become dependent on her technology and work,” my mom said. “And it was about how sometimes young people are too goal-orientated and they stress themselves out by working so much.”
I raised one freshly waxed eyebrow and gave her a sideways look.
“There’s nothing wrong with being goal oriented,” I said. “You work hard now, do the late hours now so that later you don’t have to.”
“Being goal oriented is fine, but sometimes, you can be TOO goal oriented.”
“And what did this young woman do to fix this problem of hers?” I asked, skeptically.
My mom rattled off a list of things – disconnecting from technology for the weekend, therapy, getting new hobbies. And I listened with a wary ear. Was my mom telling me to go to therapy? Had I crossed the line and moved from busy and stressed to hopelessly cynical and depressed?
Or was I simply reading too much into an innocent conversation? My mom is always comparing my generation’s work habits to hers. We really are two different animals, as she was on her second child by the time she was my age. Maybe she just thought of me while reading the article.
I think a lot about my approach to life – everything is very much set by future plans and future goals. Focus on my career now so that later I can focus on a family. Have fun now because I’ve given myself permission to not stress about coupling and baby making until I am 30. (I actually made that official by announcing it to Southern Belle at dinner on Saturday night. I told her that at 30 I would get scared if I wasn’t nearing Coupledom because I really wanted to start having children by 35, clearly restating my earlier goal of freaking out when I turned 25 because I wanted to start to have children when I was 30. She just politely rolled her eyes.)
The goal setting, I think, allows me to prolong things and put them in the future, because as Miss Scarlett O’Hara said, “After all … tomorrow is another day.” But how much of this is just a coping mechanism that keeps me from dealing with the problems of today? If I can’t get pass the things holding me back – an unbalanced life, for one – will I ever get to see my grand plans and schemes come to be?
Nice post! Isn’t it funny that our mom always notice when something is tormenting you? But, as you said, there’s a gap between our generation. While our mom were already married and had children at our age, we’re struggling with other priorities right now, like work, but also finding the one.
Meh. It’s no better on the end of the spectrum and being not very driven and practically dead in the water when it comes to the future.
I think life is always unbalanced – ex.: you wrote that later in life you want to focus less on career and more on family. It all ebbs and flows over time. At least you can identify what your priorities are and have something worthwhile to focus on while you currently have no SO. Being unbalanced, in this instance, isn’t something to overcome. You already know it will change when other people and goals become your priority.
Having plans that are too specific is an outstanding way to set yourself up for both failure and it’s ugly little cousin, depression. What if something happens with the job and you cease to have that security? What if you aren’t married by 30 (I would hope that at 29 you wouldn’t suddenly be willing to settle for the lowest common denominator just because you need to meet your goal of “Coupled by 30″)? No one knows what’s going to happen from day-to-day, minute-to-minute. The best anyone can do is live in the moment; do your best now and the future will take care of itself.
You can call me ‘Sir’ is right on! I’m now 37 and quickly approaching on 38 and I always thought I’d be married with children by now, but it is what it is and I’m not going to sit around and cry over something which wasn’t my original plan. Actually I wouldn’t change a thing about my life and it’s course. I know everything happens for a reason and I choose lessons to learn in this life time and I can tell you you realize it’s not that bad when you watch half of your friends going through divorce. The grass is always greener!!
I’ve been in that situation, heck, I guess I still am; trying to balance my professional goals with the family I’ve always wanted to have. Finding the right person to carry out your dreams and life plans with is not that easy, we all seem to know that, but what we need to remember is that it’s not entirely up to us either. Things will happen when they are suppose to happen and no sooner, no matter how many plans we make or resolutions we announce to the world. One of my best friend’s mom always says “we make plans and God laughs”. Try to relax and enjoy what life throws at you at the moment, live the present and be happy with what you have and have accomplished so far. The future will come in due time, the present, the now, is all we have, or at least this is what I tell myself every day.
I always have said that I wanted to be starting a family by the time I was 30. I had two long term boyfriends that turned out not to be the “one” for me. I was single for a while after that, totally by choice, and when I met the”one” I was really not interested, I had failed before. He gave me all the space I needed to realize that he was wonderful and we are going to be married next month. I will be 31 in October – missed my deadlines, but found something so wonderful that starting a family a little later than planned is totally fine! Bottom line – when you are ready the “one” will find you!! Don’t rush it!!
feeling your pain… just had this convo:
[10:44] friend: how’s life with you
[10:44] D Leigh R: I’m in a frenzy
[10:45] D Leigh R: project is due sept 1 memorial day
[10:45] friend: doh
[10:45] D Leigh R: I’m going to be out of town every friday and monday until then
[10:45] friend: what a shitty day
[10:45] D Leigh R: 10 year reunion this week
[10:45] friend: to make a project due
[10:45] D Leigh R: sorority recruitment the next weekends after that
[10:45] D Leigh R: baby shower after I get back
[10:45] D Leigh R: I am in a state of perma-mini-anxiety attack
[10:45] D Leigh R: LOL
[10:46] D Leigh R: … and you?
Charming, I’m 27 and I’m terrified, too. Really. I had all these plans and some are going well, but the rest, esp relationships fell on the wayside. I suspect it’s easier for me to focus on career goals because at least I have more control there than in relationships where it depends at least equally on the other person. Sigh. I have no good advice. Therapy might help some, but try not to get addicted- I resisted for as long as I could and now I finally found someone I like talking to, so I go and vent every fortnight. But at the beginning, I could see how I was trying to over-depend on my therapist for advice and I really can’t- it’s MY life! Good luck
I’m basically going through the same exact thing right now… only my “off balance” parts are slightly different. It just makes me want to curl up in bed and sleep for about a week. Thanks for sharing, it helps knowing I’m not the only one feeling slightly off-center lately.
Well said. I feel like my goals were actually getting in the way of my life until recently. So many times I said to myself, “I can go do this-or-that fun thing, but only after I’ve achieved my lifelong dream.” And then I watched friends and heroes achieve the dream and enjoy their lives even less. Isn’t it funny how that happens?
I also do that timeline, goal thing. I’m trying to give myself ’till 37 to pop out a baby so I have time to accomplish more… maybe I need to slow down as well…
Don’t let work and goals get in the way of what’s REALLY important.
just live your life babe. you can’t force anything. if wrok and goals are what make you genuinely happy, then screw a relationship and kids. don’t let society and it’s terms of expected behavior get to you.
Your mom is great. Mine would have just told me to stop whining and go to the birthday celebration.
And as someone who will be 35 before summer is over, setting deadlines such as specific dates/ages to have accomplished something never really works. Freaking out about things doesn’t work either. I’ve tried both, and right now I am the furthest from Coupledom I’ve been in a long time, not even a prospect out there, but I’m mostly happy.
Just one bit of advice from the elderly *hah*… don’t let work and work-related stresses take over your life. It’s far too easy to slide down that slippery slope. Make sure to take the time to celebrate birthdays and everydays with your friends. In the end that’s what matters, not where you end up in your career.
RG is right, no one can really time these things adequately. All you can do is try and be prepared for the opportunities and to not close too many doors to these moments.
Being of analytical bent, I think more of this miasma is due to the overall poor performance of the economy. It really does affect everything else in a spill over effect. It’s why young folks are working harder & longer than their parents generation, as they did over theirs, in a historic reversal of labor trends lasting perhaps over 100 years or more. Who can think of meeting anyone if you’re working 60, 70, 80 hours a week? No one can sustain that pace for long, and yet in the US we’ve been doing it for about a generation by now (~20 years). Young families are working about 300 more hours a year than they did in 1979. Young mothers at least 100 more hours a year. This time is taken directly from family life, stolen from children and given to the great corporate gods in the name of greater profits.And yet even for college grads, your income has not kept up with inflation since 2000. That’s not happened before since, yes, the Great Depression of the 1930’s. (As they say in the business, what a coincidence!). And yet all the biz media channels the same Bushsh*t and tell us that ‘the economy is doing swell!’.
Now think about what this means for a generation of young folks in the workplace. More hours at work, more crushing debt earlier, and still barely getting by, even with a good degree you worked hard for. It’s official, you’ll be making Less today than your parents generation did at the same ages.
So this means if you meet at work, (as an increasing number of couples do now), you’ve got immediate workplace issues, but at least you’ve met someone. (Perhaps one of you will need to be looking for a new job now though). With the wonders of the Net, people from distant places Do connect on line and meet & occasionally marry. And this happened well before ‘dating sites’ actually came on line. But fewer and fewer people seemingly have the time for even this minimal effort at ‘connecting’ until some bells ring when they turn 30 or older. But as many couples are discovering, it’s sometimes not easy getting pregnant in your mid 30’s.
It’s very hard to adequately and precisely plan life. No matter how rich you are, or how well educated you are. For most of us there comes a time, perhaps once every 6 mo or even 6 years, when you have to double down on a bet with fate & mortality, and take a leap of faith. You’ll fail more often than you succeed. But eventually, you’ll endure & prevail. Or at least that’s the story as the grandkids will hear it. Cheers & Good Luck! ‘VJ’
sundress + hair puled back in a knot + dangly earrings = hawt
For a mother whose sole priority is to take care of her offsprings, we’ll always remain the children.
mothers should give just relative freedom to children, however if the children want total freedom let them leave their parent’s homes for as long as they are still under one roof, they will remain children and thus be looked after.
sadly society has passed the point of no return. love and family have been pushed aside by economics and women have been dragged into the once male dominated world of the ‘wage slave’ living to work rather than working to live. success now has come to mean one thing, money.
the ‘century of the self’ is responsible for this sad state of affairs and we can only hope that future generations revolt against this ideology otherwise love could become a word used merely to describe how we feel about consumables and not people
my ‘vanity’ site themusicologist uses music to try and communicate genuine emotions like love, fear, Joy and pain. it’s my contribution in the struggle to turn back the tide and reclaim some of the ground lost to economics.
if you are having trouble communicating an emotional message let me know at themusicologist and I will do my very best to come up with a song that ‘tells it like it is’
as for being single..blame our so called leaders and not yourself. the family has been dismantled to divide and conquer. unity is strength..individuality is isolation.
great blog by the way. as a man I have found it very hard to find such sincerity from a woman in these times and judging by the amount of comments at least your voice is being heard.
Yay VJ posted! Always good to get the old man’s thoughts. Brings a different perspective and experience.
every one’s mom always know they is something wrong with their kids but not necessarily they have to be right about what and why ??? that’s what i think, they might know we are stressed but they should know why with the right ways and tacit’s .
Maliha
charming, all i can say is that i relate to this post. i don’t have any clue what we should/shouldn’t be doing.
and my mom instantly picks up on when things are wrong w/me, too. only, she tells me to get off my duff and do something productive, even if it’s just emptying the dishwasher. somehow, it always works.
it’s so frustrating when you have a reasonable amount of control of everything in your life except the ONE thing you really really want.
They say the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. I say the best predictor of future happiness is present happiness
I agree with all of those here who have said in various ways that we should simply live RIGHT NOW, enjoy as much as we can right now. We humanoids
tend to be very resistant to change…if we keep our energy at a certain level of happy, busy, whatever…we tend to keep doing that. Our life may change from career to baby-making, but the energy will be the same. Still too busy to enjoy life. Not good.
How many people do you know that have consumed their lives with work, seemingly so as to enjoy their later years and then BAM, they die right after retiring? Hmmm, my theory is that is was just too much for their system to shift gears like that after a lifetime of too-busy-for-joy…too busy for life.
You’re right in focusing on balance, it would be wise to find it NOW. Because the future tends to grow from whatever our energy reflects in the present. Be “too busy” now, and you’ll still be too busy in the future…until, well, you are no more. Maintain a balanced, HAPPY life now and you’ll sail into the future likewise
Be happy now, be happy in the future…regardless of the details.
Dove
“KB” summed up exactly how I feel…well put!
We all must do what is right for our situation and sometimes people on the outside, including family, don’t realize this.
Stick to your beliefs and good things will happen when the time is right for you. I love your blog!
I’m also with KB: it’s nice to know someone is close to my age and in a similar position. I used to say in my early 20s that I wanted to be married by 25 and have a baby by 30. Now I’m 35, never been married, have no kids, and probably won’t have any, but I’m OK with that. Meanwhile, by the time my mother was 29, she had been married eight years and had four kids! Times certainly have changed!
I’ve been with my wonderful boyfriend for 10 months now (he’s 47) and we are moving in together at the end of September. We do talk about marriage but neither one of us is ready yet. I hope you don’t have to wait as long as I did to find Mr. Right, but you certainly appreciate him a whole lot more when you finally do find him!
Sadly, it took the sudden loss of my mother for me to sort out my priorities in life. Be thankful you still have yours to turn to for advice (both asked for and volunteered), and comfort…
If I can offer you one thought it would be this: Stop trying to find ‘The One’ in that first moment you meet them. Love at first site is a myth. It’s really Lust at First site, and while it may be the starting point for the building blocks of a real relationship, Seersucker suits, Southern Accents and Blackberry’s aside, I wonder as I read your posts from time to time whether your overtly idealistic views of love and relationships have hindered you from realizing The One shows up when you suddenly turn and look at that someone you’ve been spending TIME with, not just a conversation at your local watering hole, and see no one else around but them.
Run on sentences aside, take your nose out of the Carrie Bradshaw-esque view of the world you have constructed, put the blog on hold for a few weeks and go live LIFE! Burying yourself in this little project only serves to isolate you from the REAL world. As beautifully and creatively as you write, Mr. Right isn’t going to show up here…
ps. If you can, take up Rock Climbing. I’ve been at it for 6 years now and truthfully it’s created the most amazing social network of friends and more…and it’s the best workout EVER!
Great Blog. I am really enjoying your posts. While I am in a very different boat, 36 and married with 3 children, I love reading your adventures. I started very early in my life and did the career and the family at the same time. So, I am crazy. I agree with some of the other comments. Everyone has their own journey and there is not a right or wrong way to do this life. The family, especially the Man, comes with it own issues too. Take your Time and Breathe!
Folks really need to be reminded that especially today, most people do not stick to ‘Plan A’. Or even Plan B through G & H. It takes time, and possibly more time today than in the past. Even with all our advantages in communication, transportation and yes, material wealth. Possibly because of these factors too. Communication advances but knowledge somehow retreats for some realms. The increasingly rare intimate times between mother and daughter are really to be cherished. Especially when you’re both adults. There’s a special sort of wisdom there that we can seldom appreciate at the time but will stay with us to the end of our days, guiding us in ways nothing else can..
Sometimes ships do pass in the night though. We both know old time friends who remain unmarried at 40 something. Good, decent people of sterling character, reasonably good looks, in shape, and involved in their communities. The woman is involved with many ‘clubs’ (hiking, canoing, kayaking etc) and has had many ‘good’ short term relationships with the guys there, but nothing has ever ‘taken’ for any of them. The guy’s been heavily involved in his career, (which includes long mostly night time hours), but is still out there in the community every day. As it happens they live about 100 miles apart, but grew up much closer in the same state. Other than being really good folks, we’ve not recommend the gal to the guy or ever ’set them up’.
Just because they’re both decent, attractive, good folks does not mean necessarily that they ‘belong together’ or even that they would enjoy each other’s company. It hurts to witness it, but there are many, many reasons why folks are still single. Most of them are complex and complicated. But hopefully we’ll be able to recognize true love if it runs us over. (Only in the movies, right?) Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’
“I raised one freshly waxed eyebrow and gave her a sideways look.” – It’s writing like that that’s the reason I so love your blog.
What exactly is a balanced life, I find myself thinking. No one I know has one. Even the ones who seem to have the so-called “perfect balanced life” on the surface, well, it’s just an illusion. It’s like they seem perfectly calm on top, but underneath, they’re running like mad to make it look so effortless.
It may be coping, but sometimes we need to cope to survive. It won’t stop you from completing your grand plans any more than it does anyone else.
And trust me, you will survive if you disconnect yourself from technology for the weekend.
“ps. If you can, take up Rock Climbing.”
Huh. I met my husband rock climbing. I guess maybe once you’ve gotten used to hanging over the edge of a 100 foot cliff with only him and a rope separating you from certain death, you might as well marry the guy. Don’t let me put you off or anything…
Good heavens. Be happy your mother even pays attention to you. A lot don’t.
Hope it makes you feel better that LOTS of us are in the same boat. I’m constantly trying to convince my 25 year old (hence younger) friend that her amazing career, well-traveled, financed personal-passion-project life is NOT incolmplete due to the lack of ring on her finger. It took me moving across the country to chase one dream to discover another dream entirely. In the wise words of Aerosmith “Life’s a journey, not a destination” and it’s much more fun if you like the memories that brought you there, and not just the sound of stating your accomplishment out loud at dinner parties. Work hard when you want to, slack off when you need to, and always make yourself the most important person you need to answer to. Good Luck!
austinmcconnell — Yeah, this post isn’t about my mom and her nagging me or not nagging me. It’s about me and my personal fears, as framed by a conversation with her. I love my entire family and am very thankful to have them in my lives — I make reference to this on many occasions.
I also met my man rock climbing. Rock climbing gyms are a virtual oasis of good looking, well-toned men.
Plans. You know, I used to have a “timeline” (we jested, the x and I). Now, you have to work backwards, to fit everything in, see: 2nd child before 35 + at least 3 years between children (only 2) = 1st child at 32 + married to hubby for at least 2 years prior to children = married at 30 + known intended for at least 2 years prior to marriage = meet at 28.
Then I dumped my boyfriend of two years about 3 days before my 28th birthday, and threw the imaginary babies out with the timeline’s bathwater.
The thing is, I’m like you too. Goal orientated. Actually, perhaps goal obsessed. And it doesn’t actually do one any favours – I sometimes find myself wishing I was much more relaxed, like my ‘wishywashy’ friends who still don’t know what they want to do with their lives (instead of like me, racking up the certificates, and miserable with the day job).
I’m DESPERATELY trying, especially the way things are at present, to live in the moment. I had a few times this weekend when I was all of a sudden aware I was blissfully happy, RIGHT. NOW.
I reckon THOSE are the golden moments. See if you can fit some of them in. Walks along the beach/in the rain/with a dog/friend or meditation etc.
Oh, and ‘breathe’.
Aside of the deep ponderings about early adulthood, to which it is really easy to relate, it’s your style, and quotes like “I raised one freshly waxed eyebrow…” that keep me coming back. I love reading your posts.
Your mom sounds like the coolest. My mom would tell me that it was “just as well anyway” that I didn’t attend a family party, as she didn’t want to have to distract “innocent” girls who I happened to sit next to and put all sorts of “strange independent” thoughts in their heads. Some days Moms are just so funny.
I’m w/ rg. Just 3 months from 36 myself, a couple of prospects but certainly not child-rearing anytime soon.. I’m ok. Mostly happy. I would like someone to brush my teeth w/ at night, to break open a bottle of wine and watch the next thing on dvd, but I go out, socialize w/ friends, headed to Burning Man for the first time ever on a whim, re-learning French, and trying to meet new people as they come. I feel old and young at the same time.. and I’m learning not to force things. And not to compare myself to others who have the relationship I’d like.. I’m still a work in progress and things haven’t gone the way I’d like all the time.. as someone else said, I’m just trying to live in the moment.. I find it makes everything a bit more special.
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