I can’t do the long division / Someone do the math October 8, 2007
Posted by charmingbutsingle in Being Southern, Friends, General Clumsiness and Related Stupidity, Men, Single Girl Cliches.trackback
So there’s this guy. The Wine Guy. I met him through friends and the first night we all hung out he seemed to flirt with me, bought me a beer or two and I thought, “Hey, this one’s polite and fun. I like him.”
Flash forward a few weeks and well, I was sure he wasn’t interested. He was flirtatious with all of the women I was with and I wrote him off as not interested, but polite and charming.
We exchanged a few e-mails and then I saw him twice in passing with the same friend and he was very friendly each time. The second time I passed on one side of the street while he was sitting having a beer on the other side and he ran across to give me a hug. And my friend said “[Charming]! Who is that guy? We’ve seen him twice this week and I think he likes you.” And I explained that “He’s not interested, he’s just Southern.”
So a few weeks later I copied him on mass e-mail about an event and then two weeks ago, he e-mailed me back asking me about it – a full month after my original e-mail, after I’d already forgotten that he was copied on the message. This started another round of e-mails about how he really wants to go to this event, and I forwarded them to The Banker to see if she thought he was fishing. And we decided that it seemed like he wasn’t interested, but that our knowledge of men and their intentions could fit in the world’s smallest thimble with plenty of room to spare.
So now I’ve been invited (by my girlfriends) to Happy Hour tomorrow night with him and a pal. My girlfriend really wants me to go – she called me to remind me about it, which she knew she didn’t have to do because of course I have it on my calendar and even if I didn’t, I’d been thinking about going all weekend.
There are two schools of thought – he’s shy or he’s just not interested in me. And I accept both possibilities, though I know the latter is probably the reality.
But the thing is, I keep wondering about him. And I even tried on possible Happy Hour outfits tonight, which is a sure sign that I’m heading for the disappointment of mismatched expectations.
Reality’s a bitch. But could two beers, a coy smile and some serious eyelash batting really hurt anything?
You could try asking him on a date. Or point-blank, saying something like ” So, I’ve been kinda getting mixed signals from you.. do you want to go out sometime, or are you just being a nice guy?” (You can always blame the wine afterwards if the answer is undesireable). Maybe this is too ballsy and straight-forward for how most people deal with dating, but to me playing games and being coy has always seemed like a waste of time, and things would just be so much easier if people could be open and honest with each other.
Then again, if this were me, I’d probably keep on doing what you’ve been doing, flirting, wondering, and waiting. B/c I’m kind of a wuss.
Straight forward is desirable to me. When I asked the lady at work out for lunch in return for being generous with a dollar when I needed change, she said ‘I don’t think that would be appropriate’ but offered no further explanation. WTF? Seriously, just give me a reason so I at least don’t have to wonder why it would be inappropriate.
Then again, either way the message was clearly a no thanks. That much I can appreciate.
I say bring it up, if you find yourself still attracted to this guy. What can it hurt?
Eyelash batting never hurt anyone. He’s probably shy…most guys are. It’s a trait we often try to hide in ways that even the dimmest amphibians would say are idiotic.
I’m pretty sure I’ve given this advice here before, but I’ll go ahead and give it again for the hell of it: If all goes well at the happy hour thingy, you should ask him to have coffee sometime or, who knows, maybe dinner and/or a movie. If you keep waiting for other people to stop disappointing you, you’re going to spend the rest of your life being disappointed.
Sounds like your definitly over analyizing this–I know I do the same thing ALL the time when it comes to guys. Why are you assuming so quickly that he’s not interested, he’s making at least a bit of an effort to stay in touch w/ you and I think it’s a sign that he really wants to go to this event..aka hang out w/ you there! My advice is go to this happy hour that he’ll be at and just take it how it comes, see how he acts around you, just be yourself, no pressure, let him come to you and start talking. If you get the sense that he’s even a bit interested, at the end of the night I would say something like, would you be interested in getting together again for a drink some time soon? Very casual..then at least you’ll know right away if he is infact intersted or not, and just move on..Guys like it when a girl takes the lead, less rejection for them.
Oh and I wouldn’t follow Marcy’s advice unless you want him to run the other way..sorry Marcy, guys like straight forward but they don’t want to hear how they’re sending mixed signals..they don’t really understand what it means..that’s more of an idea girls created. They’ll get all akward and think you’re jumping the gun and desperate for a date..trust me.
The best advice I can give you is to flirt - just like you’d like to - but with no expectations. Tell yourself you’ll leave still questioning his interest. Tell yourself there are more fish in the sea - some that would make stronger advances knowing that they’d regret it if they didn’t because they might lose their chance with you.
The non-interest is usually what brings interest. You’d be a challenge and then he just has to get your attention and get you to flirt with him. ::sigh:: Plain and simple: men like to chase & hunt.
I know it’s very cavemen-like of me - but hey, my fiance told me that my 10% interest in him when we first met was what had him in the palm of my hand. He felt like he needed to “earn my heart.” He liked that. It meant more to him once he had it.
Anyway, that’s my advice.
And I don’t mean “play” hard to get. Mean it.
You SHOULD be hard to get, because you’re worth it.
Make them earn your heart, girl. It’s worth it.
Reality IS a bitch but I am still a hopeful realist… go with the flow and see what happens. I wouldn’t tell him he was sending mixed signals either but a little cleavage, hair twirling and “accidental” arm touching after a few drinks might just help you get your point across
Good luck! Can’t wait for a full report!
I think you should go for it. Either way you would now where he stands, right?
I would add some of your wonderful cleavage my dear!
Ahh, I am in your same position!
I would say the same as all the others, just go for it! The worse that can happen is that he’s not interested, which totally sucks but at least you know and you won’t have to deal with the sucky “what if.”
Can’t wait to get the 411 on what happened. Maybe it will give me enough confidence to go for my guy!
How exciting! Who can plan for these things? Plus, half the fun is just in the anticipation. Can’t wait to hear how it goes! And I definitely second the recommendation to do a little arm touching–I mean, if they said it’s a sure sign on How I Met Your Mother, it must be true!
Ah hell, Charming. Go and have a good time and stop worrying about if he likes you or not. He’d be an idiot not to take better notice of you and DO something about it. And if he doesn’t make his move- write him off. He had his chance. Plus, the more engergy you put into mind-reading his aloofness, the less energy you’re putting into simply being fabulous you (attracting all those other less aloof types who have the balls to ask a girl out on an honest to goodness date). Cheers!
Enjoy time with your friends at the happy hour. Flirt back. Have fun. Be you. Stop worrying about the does he / doesn’t he like you. Use the time you get to talk to him to decide if YOU really like HIM!
Sometimes it’s too easy to get caught up in the question of whether someone likes you and forget you’re supposed to spend time figuring out if you really like them… and I agree… A little eyelash batting and maybe an arm touch can’t hurt.
I agree with rg above… (of course easy for me to say) - stop analyzing whether his touching your arm was an accident or if you should touch his arm: focus on him and decide whether he’s worth all of the attention and analysis you’re giving him.
You could try my unsuccessful tactic of trying to lead him to ask you out (this way you don’t have to do it, but if you do it well enough, he’ll do it and think it was his idea all on his own!) Of course, leading a guy to this is sometimes like the blind leading the blinder… good luck!
I would just say to him, hey I like you, wanna go for a drink sometime (alone :). Then leave it up to him to ask for your number. Or do some serious battering of your eyes
That could work too. Or I know you could both get drunk and just grab him and kiss him and blame alcohol. (works in Ireland) 
I need to go to Ireland…
Have fun flirting, look cute in the outfit, and don’t worry about it beyond that!
Must we wait so long for the report? The masses want to know what went down
Why are men always 70% of what we want them to be?
I wish I could figure this out for you…honestly I have no idea.
Keep us updated.
If I were you, I won’t tolerate such ambiguous behaviors. I’d grab him by the collar and ask, “Look, do you like me or what?”
But that’s a man’s approach to the situation (a Californian, not a Southerner), so you may or may not want to resort to it.
To Model Behavior: If you truly like him, the remaining 30% won’t matter. If the 30% deficiency bothers you, he’s 100% wrong for you.
I’m almost with Kenn in SF. If this is true : “Why are men always 70% of what we want them to be?”, it’s a Positive thing. This is a Hopeful number. If it’s anywhere near that or close, you can work with it in most instances as a normative expectation. Many marrieds can’t claim that BTW. This has little to do with the question at hand though. Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’
The following has absolutely nothing to do with your post:
I stumbled on your [old] blog from a google search I did, “what gives love a bad name” in hopes of finding something inspiring for my illustration assignment. Your blog is the 6th match on the page, and the only thing I clicked. I’ve spent the last hour perusing the short excerpts of your life and I’m not sure whether I should be excited or worried that my life will make no more sense 7 years down the road.
The following has everything to do with your post:
Trust your instinct and think less. This makes much more sense in the situation than reading it here.
Hi Charming! I found your site when I was searching for a good description of Southern Gentlemen for one of my blogs, and just wanted to say I think your writing is delightful! I’m very glad to know I’m not the only one who’s fallen for the “He’s not Interested, he’s just Southern” guy. I hope things work out well with The Wine Guy! =)
[...] Clumsiness and Related Stupidity, Men, Really. Bad. Habits., Single Girl Cliches. trackback Last week’s Happy Hour came and went with no romantic fireworks to report. I had a nice time with the group and had the [...]
d’oh!!! I hate that moment when you realize you care what they think!!! you try on outfits, watch tv shows you normally wouldn’t care about, etc.
it’s a powerless moment. i always just tell myself that they are probably having the same moment!
then i don’t think about it anymore, because i know how it always ends.