An Open Letter to Myself (AKA: Exes are exes for a reason) November 26, 2007
Posted by charmingbutsingle in Dating, Men, NaBloPoMo, Open Letters, Really. Bad. Habits., Seriously!, Single Girl Cliches, The Male of the Species Is Ridiculous.trackback
Self –
You’ve been flirting with disaster lately. And by “disaster,” I mean The Nurse.
Sure, the first IM seemed innocent enough. Just casually catching up with a friend and former fling, right?
Wrong!
He’s not your friend. He doesn’t care about you. He may say that he still cares, that he made a mistake, that you are awesome and wonderful and sexy. But his actions in the past – most notably the Dumping by Not Calling – prove otherwise. (See also: The Impregnating of Someone Else.)
Yes, it does bolster your confidence to have man who once spurned your affections say that he still wants you. But what he wants is not you. He wants an easy fall back girl for when he finds himself single and lonely – or just lonely and lustful.
He’s bad news. Stop the MySpace stalking. Stop comparing yourself to his girlfriend. Stop oooohing over pictures of his baby.
He doesn’t want you. And, more importantly, you don’t want him. Period. End of story. There are many many many better men out there. And even if there aren’t, being alone is far better than being strung along by an immature, manipulative jerk who admits that he knew you liked him and chose to run to another woman’s bed.
Stop IMing. Stop texting. Stop caring. Just stop.
Cheers,
Charming
Sometimes we really should listen to ourselves… perhaps I should write my Self a letter or two.
Amen. And of course “There are many many many better men out there”. Q: Just how many, in realistic terms? As many beetles there are withing a 25 mi radius of where you sit. And that’s plenty, most of them having about the same moral sense as Mr. Nursie.
Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’
Bravo. Keep listening to yourself, for you are indeed “wonderful and awesome and sexy” and the right man will feel himself lucky to be with a girl like you.
so randomly, (as is my wont) rock on! fuck dude, you make me laugh. and yet, you also make me proud of you, cuz, You’re STRONG (despite the fact that you might not realize that…few of us do) you ROCK,(yet you might not know) and you KNOW yourself (as evidenced by the above post).
You rock.
just sayin’
Hello there. I know a lot of people write this, but I have only just discovered your blog and I couldn’t believe how much I could relate with everything you have written.
Quick stats: 24 y.o single lady living in Australia and have now been officially single for 2 years. I always think that if my life was a Marian Keyes novel (you really have to read her books – last chance saloon is every single gal’s perfect companion) I would have found my man. You know, I had the break up and got my heart absolutely shredded, then I was sad, then angry, then I pretty much accepted it – you know I did all the right things: I did yoga classes and laughed a lot and read “he’s just not that into you” 2 million times & discovered who I really was (and so on and so forth). According to the books once you’ve “discovered” who you truely are: that is when you meet Mr. Man. But it kinda hasn’t happened yet. And I mean that’s okay and everyone says “just enjoy being single.” But how I so love LOVE – you know when your whole being just cries for it, for passion. You feel happy but not all the way happy.
But then you look around you and think how amazing your girlfriends and family are and you see your ex with his new g/f (the one who broke your heart) and you realise that, actually, he’s a bit of an arsehole anyway and you wonder what an earth you ever had in common or how you could have ever possibly found his curly hair attractive. And you keep truckin’ along and you buy magazines and sit in the bath and read and write and dream and live.
So, your note to self was I think extremely important charming. I think it would be so great to sit there and think how amazingly far you have already come in your life – and how it has had absolutely nothing to do with the Nurse. Be proud of how you write and articulate all of that stuff in your head – a lot of people struggle to do that and struggle within themselves. Be proud of this blog and how much better it has already made me feel about being a young single woman.
Round of applause! Very good indeed. You’re worth more than this guy!
I agree with geekhiker and the rest – listen to yourself and stop engaging in this. You *are* wonderful and intelligent and witty and sexy. Just because what he says is true doesn’t mean he will ever be anything but disinterested and hurtful. Let go of the string and walk away.
Strength is something we don’t know we have, until we need it. You have it. Now use it.
mmm..
Hang in there sister. He’s a dog. We all fall into that trap, but fight hard. You’re better than that.
AMEN, AMEN, AMEN. I need to copy and post your letter straight onto my brain.
I think that there’s a small part of you that is craving contact with him — otherwise you would have already blocked him on IM and ignored any other attempts he made at contacting you. Which is exactly what you should now do. Continued contact leaves the door open for him to pop in and out of your life and, despite what you tell yourself, it will affect you. So stop him cold and don’t look back. You already know that you deserve better. See to it that you get just that.
I’m doing a bit of this memo writing myself. I have to say, it seems to be working. Although be forewarned, that’s when they up the ante.
Girl…change his number to “JUST DON’T” in your phone or even delete it if you are ballsy enough, move him to ASSHOLE category in your IM or even better delete him and then change your privacy settings to only people on your IM list can contact you
Just do it
Here, here, Charming! Well done! I once wrote a letter to myself that was a lot like this, and I must say it really helped me get in shape. And I agree with Gardeana: change his name on the phone. That’ll really help!
Maybe you are using him to fall back on as well? I have an ex who still contacts me randomly, usually when I start dating someone else (even though he couldn’t possibly know). When I’m done with the new guy, it’s easy to fall back into, even years after we broke up. I wish I would just stop too, but I like the ego boost too.
I’m with you girl. Just stop!
We want what we can’t have, and then when we have it…..we want something else. If it makes you feel better, men are just as bad about this stuff….we just call it a booty call, and then cut it off when we find a new girl. Sad but true.
Oy, and ouch, and amen.
I don’t think I’ve ever commented before, this will be me delurking then. Charming, I empathise and am simply grateful that you can turn it all into such funny, poignant posts, because we all know it certainly wasn’t funny while it was happening. Or even while you were writing. Or even after you’d written it, when i think about it. I have given up men for the time being, no more emotional reserves for all the wankers that life sees fit to throw my way. Since I could never be bothered abt wankers I reckon this is life’s way of telling me to just be still a bit and recharge. So I am.
And Charming? You truly are.
It is so easy to fall into a “harmless” flirtation but you know that it is not the best thing for you and will just end up making you feel bad in the long run. Be strong and just avoid contact with him. Nothing good can come of the situation and you are obviously smart enough to realize that.
I have fallen into the same trap previously when I was in a dating rut because, hey – it seemed more exciting to flirt than to have no guys to keep me occupied.
I can wholeheartedly relate to what you post in your blog. I feel like I WAS you just over a year ago. All I can say is (and this is so cheesy) – don’t give up. There are still some great guys out there…they are just hard to find once you reach the age of 25 i think (most of the good ones are taken). I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year after being single for 2 years and prior to that, ending a 5 year relationship with an a-hole. My current bf is honestly more than I could ever have hoped for in a partner – he is amazing and continues to impress me with the person that he is. We’re planning on moving in together in the next few months and we’re both so excited!
So even though it is cliche, don’t doubt that you will find the person who is looking for you! It used to annoy me when people gave me words of encouragement like that. I’d think “oh they have no idea what it is like out there” and I still kind of think they didn’t have a clue how bad dating can be when you are going out with the wrong people. But, believe it or not, I wouldn’t trade those bad dates because it REALLY makes me appreciate my current relationship.
So – ignore the Nurse. Better days to come!
Okay I Needed to hear this.. Thanks for you letter to yourself, I see this was really meant for me to see also… so I will say to myself right here right now.. HE REALLY DOES NOT CARE NE!!! HE JUST WANTS YOU TO BE ALONE, WHILE HE HAS MOVED ON!! Okay Sorry for that P.s. To myself on your page…Keep writing I am learning sooooo much!!
Where was this post a few months ago when I was going through the same thing? You are absolutely 100% right, take it from someone who made a big mistake in a similar situation. It’s so hard to resist, but trust me, getting even the least bit involved with him again would be a very bad idea. If he really wanted to be with you, he wouldn’t have treated you so poorly. Period. You can do much better than a jerk who dumped you without calling. Please! Last time I checked, we’re not 12 years old anymore, and we should all be treated with respect. Thanks for this encouraging post. : )
Don’t forget how he treated you. You deserve better!!
Can you write a letter to me too?
Good advice to yourself… the question is… are you gonna follow it?
Be strong sister!!! Don’t give him the satisfaction of knowing that he’s “Still got it” with you. All he wants is a stroke to his ego, and take joy in knowing that it will frustrate the hell out of him when you continue to blow him off. The power… is all yours!
Been there, done that. It doesn’t work. Your intuition is right. Stick with it!
Dear God – This. Is. Me!!!
Take it from me, I went through pretty much the same thing, although my EX decided to go back to his ex-gf who he had been dating on and off for the past 6 yrs. Now I’m heartbroken. Fast forward 6 months, I’ve mended and moved on and now he is wireless stalking me. 60 text messages in 1 day, messages on my facebook – ugh!! Of course his crazy relationship with his ex ended again and now he realizes how wonderful I am and wants me back. Barf. I’m happy, I’m with someone new who is way more open and honest. I’m not saying that we’re headed anywhere serious but it’s nice to date a man who doesn’t have a permanent seat on the CRAZY-TRAIN
My point is this, I gave my EX two chances, he screwed up both. I’ve learnt he’s not actually a man, he’s a little boy masquerading as a successful 34yr old. Don’t go back, it’s never good. Everyday I thank my lucky stars that my eyes are finally open and how the heck didn’t I notice how selfish and crazy he was when I was first dating him? Trust me, once you start dating a real man you will never be tempted to date another narcissistic, and lets face it, liar in your life and that’s the best feeling in the world 
man o man did you hit the nail on the head with this one! you are definitely not alone on this topic. men tend to use this as an ego boost, just so they know that if they wanted to go back you’d be there.
ex’s ARE ex’s for a reason!
That is a dangerous game I have played too many times. Just remember he only reason he is probably talking to you is to make you jealous…since he is a certifiable @ss. Charming you are WAY too good for him and you know it! Bravo!
I want to underline and bold IMPREGNATING OF SOMEONE ELSE and PICTURES OF HIS BABY! Of course you seem attractive when his current view is largely filled with poopy diapers. I’m sure your perfume always smelled better than baby wipes, and your lipstick stains on his collars led to more fun than the spit up now running down his chest.
This in absolutely no way depreciates your fabulousness or the fact that he should have appreciated these things about you to begin with.
Good luck sticking to it, because I know it’s not easy (and I’m thirding the suggestion of changing his phone/IM name/etc. because it’s worked for me).
YAY!!!!!
*does backflips in celebration*
you go, Charming!!! i’m so glad you are finally taking my advice.
LOL
i hope you’re sticking to it. i know you can. because you deserve better, even if it means being alone. seriously. he’s such a crock of shit and a waste of space. he needs to be put in your trashcan so the garbage man can take him away.
and girl, i know this wasn’t easy. i was in the same boat for a long time. so i feel your pain, trust me.
{{hugs}}
Thanks! I can totally relate.. I needed to know someone else needs a letter to themselves also… I’ve just written mine. Need limited interaction! end of year has to be the beginning.. I’m done.