Getting practical about things December 2, 2007
Posted by charmingbutsingle in Being Southern, Dating, Family, It's a strategy, Men, Seriously!.trackback
Well THAT was quite a college football season, now wasn’t it? I had my little football loving heart broken not once, but twice, in a season. I’ve cursed more while watching football in the past two months than when I’m watching a presidential debate or the evening news. And that’s saying a lot.
So as we all start making our National Championship plans and I groan that I won’t be there, in person, to witness the victory, I am looking back on my football accommodations this season. I had tickets to one game and it was an insane nail biter that we won, albeit at the very last second. Anytime someone brings it up, I say, “I felt like the world stopped and everything was in slow motion and then everyone went nuts and I knew we had won and the kids around me started crying because they were so startled by the noise.”
And while tailgating was wonderful and fun, I simply did not spend enough time in the stadium, which is a damn shame. I can’t afford season tickets on my own and my family doesn’t have them, so I am left to scrounge and beg for extra tickets. And, well, this just has to change.
And so I have come to the only logical conclusion for a woman in my situation. I need to marry into season tickets.
Sure, I could go halfsies with a girlfriend, but you start at the bottom of the season ticket food chain, which puts you at the top of the stadium. And then there is the issue of what if someone wants to bring a date and so really then we’d need four tickets and, well, I can’t afford two tickets myself, because if I could, I would have them.
So this is my pitch. My personal ad for a fellow fanatic interested in a future of football, tailgating food, cocktails and kids. Enjoy!
W4M (with tickets)
Wanted: Single Male holder of pair of football season tickets for dating, accompanying to football games and eventual marriage and procreation.
Interested female in her late mid-twenties. Catholic, big family, loves college football, beer and children. Will pay up to half of the cost of the tickets, plus a share of traveling expenses related to attending road games and post-season conference championships and bowl games.
Further, will help coordinate libations and foodstuffs for tailgating, including, but not limited to, baking blondies and brownies, assembling seven-layer dips, procuring various salsas and chips, organizing necessary buns and condiments, seasoning appropriate cuts of meat and assuring the availability of needed paper goods, such as napkins, cups and trash bags.
Has experience in setting up tents and canopies. Understands why it is necessary to park one (1) loaded-down car near ideal tailgating location the Friday evening before the football game. Will take an active role in the logistical aspects of tailgating missions and also tactics by which to taunt opposing teams, including, but not limited to, lowbrow chanting, the writing of clever slogans and the cataloging of reasons why said opponents suck and/or blow and/or bite. Is proficient in Adobe Photoshop and wields a mean hot glue gun. Has previous experience in college football-related T-shirt decoration and design.
Further, understands tailgate attire includes school appropriate clothes and accessories versatile enough to be worn comfortably all day, throughout the game and out to the bar to celebrate our victory. Will not be caught wearing high heels to the stadium.
Willing to provide up to four (4) chairs-in-a-bag, one (1) mix CD of school songs and inspirational tracks and one (1) tote bag ice chest that holds at up to twenty-four (24) canned beers. (Though interested female would like to point out that her favorite beers come in bottles and not cans.) Skilled in making mimosas, screwdrivers, vodka crans and jack and cokes.
Parents and grandparents are local and would likely provide some free babysitting during football season should that ever become and necessity. Family will most definitely give tailgate-appropriate gifts, such as monogrammed polo shirts, Championship memorabilia, flags for our home and many, many accessories for our children. No one would be offended if the first words our children spoke were those of our Fight Song.
Single male holder of tickets should be tall, slightly cuddly, professional with enough job flexibility to take a fall road trip or two each year, and able to light a barbecue pit, know the appropriate lyric of the National Anthem during which to pop champagne poppers, sing both verses of the Alma Mater, deal with the fact that single female seeker of tickets paces and curses during close games and understand why pickled okra is necessary to a good Bloody Mary.
I’m not sure I get what you’re looking for. We need more details.
That is probably the hottest personal ad I think ever written looking for a guy. Here is my reasoning:
1. Woman seeking man (”so you’re telling me there’s a chance!”-lloyd)
2. Sports is not only suggested, but required!
3. Includes food AND booze promises.
4. The beer comes in bottles….not bastard aluminum cans.
5. Has a good family (read: sports fans)
4. Implied sex possibilities! (this would really be higher, but it wouldn’t look as classy…so I put it here)
ps. I obviously failed Counting in kindergarten.
Hey, love your blog. I can definitely identify. I am new to this blog thing and trying top meet new people while getting the hang of this. So, I am trying this meme thing. This is my first time to do this and I am kinda excited to see how it turns out. Consider yourself officially tagged for a meme…
Oh my goodness! Yes! I wish I’d written this first!!! =)
I am happy to tell you that this guy does exist in the Pac-10 conference. I was excited to see a guy that lives near my parents (and, conveniently, my alma mater) over Thanksgiving. I became ecstatic when he offered me two tickets to our college rivalry football game in the same weekend. And, when I headed to his house after the game to drown our sorrows over losing in the last thirty seconds? He insisted that there was no hotter fashion than my knee high socks emblazoned with our college emblem.
If you don’t get flooded with responses to your offer of football, food, and flirting then the guys in your town definitely need to go back to school to learn how to recognize a good thing.
You had me until that last sentence. I can hold up my end of the bargain (I have football season tickets, I’m 6′2″ and cuddly) — and, hell, I run an NFL Draft website. But pickled okra? You’ll have to convince me on that one. Though I do like a good Bloody Mary.
Geez, I knew this was going to be a hit when I read it C. If you don’t get several more direct offers from guys like Lou above, people are no longer reading. And Lou, think Pickles. Really. Just Pickles. Crunchier than most too. Perfectly harmless. Gardenia stuff. (But those would need to be damn LSU tix too). Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’
charming…this is both brilliant and genius! As a woman who studied sports and games in college and prefers college sports over pro sports, I’m right there with you. Seriously, I got extended cable last year, only for the college football games, which I thankfully got to see more Sooner games than not. =) Yes, I almost cried after the Boise State game and throw parties during OU/TX and invite my friends (I now live in WI, so they don’t really care about the game).
Good luck to you in finding that guy. Tell me if it works and maybe I’ll take your lead. btw–if this was posted on craigslist, would it be under ‘tickets’ or ‘personals’? Hmmmm….
If you don’t get a marriage proposal in response to this ad, I’m marrying you myself.
Since you already threw the National Championship thing out there, and Ohio is most definitely not in the South, I feel comfortable saying GEAUX TIGERS!!!!!!!!
And pickled okra is most certainly necessary.
I was down on one knee ready to pop the question when you dropped the okra bomb at the end. I’ve had some bloody marys that were sent straight from the bowels of hell, but none of them even dared to add such a monstrosity as pickled okra. Pickled friekin’ okra?
Also, I’m a Buckeye fan.
A friend of mine just married into UT football tickets and I could not be more jealous!
That was fantastic! And I truly hope your Tigers beat the ridiculously mascot-ed poisonous nuts! (yeah, I know that’s not a word…
The Bloody Mary I could look past (i prefer vodka tonics), but the Okra….really?!! I guess it isn’t as bad as clamato’s…but still.
I’ve been reading your blog for a while so this is more of a cumulative response than just to this post which was mainly intended to be funny.
I think your applicant pool is a lot of the problem here. The guys you meet seem to get what they want and move on. Then they like to drop back in on you (and you let them) and give you a complex thinking it was all just some misunderstanding because you didn’t show them you wanted a relationship. I’m not sure if they’re feeding you a line or if they assumed you were still in the fun stage because you met them in a bar. That’s not judgement it just seems men don’t think women they meet in bars are there to find a husband especially in our neck of the woods. I also think you might need to stop putting so much emphasis on appearances. It would never occur to me ever to list specific physical characteristics in my criteria for finding a life partner. When I was ready to settle down the biggest criteria for me was that he was at that stage as well and that he was smart. So with that in mind it might be time to start considering some of those cousins of your friends who have “great personalities.” They might not be Adonis but they are often gainfully employed, good fatherhood material and looking to settle down.
But if you’re not willing to sacrifice hot and tall and professional then you might want to ask yourself how serious you are about getting serious.
PS Stop talking to the Nurse. Stop chatting with him on AIM. Don’t respond to his texts. You need to let that one go.
Ever been in the position of reading a blog regularly and to that point, regularly enough that you cheer the author on in her dating/shopping/work exploits, only to find out that she’s a fan of the enemy?
Wow. Just wow.
Hahaha… this is great! How could you NOT find a cute, professional, beer-loving season ticket holder with this ad? And I agree that the best beers come in bottles, not cans, and that having your first born sing your school Fight Song would be an occasion worthy of tears of joy and, of course, some celebratory beer. : )
P.S. - It’s great to find another girl who loves beer. Rock on!
Charming…I’m with you for everything in this ad…Except They Just can’t be LSU tickets
I’d even try the okra. But come on LSU? 
Love ya Charming but we need a different team…I guess I’m out of the running… 
Tim – Glad it is man-approved. Beer and college football are pretty much my life during the fall and I just need a guy who can keep up.
Exposed – Pac 10? Eh. I am SEC all the way, baby!
Lou P – See, that’s the point. If you don’t get the pickled okra, you needn’t apply. Because I simply cannot picture a Bloody Mary without it. But I’ll try to explain: Okra is awesome when prepared correctly. Pickling okra makes it crunchy and gets rid of some of the slimy texture that cooked okra sometimes gets. To me, one of the best parts of the Bloody Mary is the “snacks,” whether those are celery or olives or beans or pickled asparagus. But the pickled okra just sends the flavor through the roof – a bit of crunch, the slight sour … it all plays so well with the spicy tomato juice.
Tearsinmycoffee – A Sooner reads this here blog? Amazing! I feel obligated to say thanks for beating Mizzou … sorry about that 2003 National Championship game … oh wait, not really. ;P
And I wouldn’t ever post this on the personals on Craigslist.
Charlotte – Hell yes. Geaux Tigers. We’re going to the ‘Ship!
You can call me, ‘Sir’ – Two strike. No okra AND you’re a Buckeye fan! I would ban your IP from my blog, but then how would I gloat when we kick your asses on Jan. 7?
Oh yes, it is going to be one loooong month of trash talking, my friends.
Lissa – So I’m not the only one with this idea … someone should start a matchmaking service for this purpose … oh wait, I think that was what college was supposed to be, maybe? Should have spent less time getting “work experience,” I guess.
Southern Female – Well, I think that you get that most of this was a joke. And I agree that I have a terrible dating pool, I go after the wrong guys, I probably overlook some quality men in the process of chasing after the losers and I shouldn’t be picking up on men in bars. A lot of those things are easier to diagnose than cure, but I’m working on them … that’s what New Year’s Resolutions are for, right?
I do have to disagree on the physical characteristics, though. If I had to list out the traits I want in a life partner, the physical ones aren’t first on my list. They’re certainly not dealbreakers. But I don’t think there is anything wrong with acknowledging that I have a type – tall, cuddly, husky, not super skinny, etc. I am attracted to tall guys because I’m almost five eight without heels. Something about tall, cuddly guys makes me feel warm and happy and physically comforted. That’s not to say I never talk to guys who don’t fit my physical ideal. But I can’t control what I’m attracted to physically and it just so happens that if I’m sitting somewhere and I see a tall, beefy (not too muscley, though) walk by, that’s the guy my eye is going after. And, to be honest, many of these guys wouldn’t be called an “Adonis” at all. In fact, some of my girlfriends just think I’m crazy because they’ll be all about some tan blond guy with six pack abs and I look at that guy and shrug. Because I can see that he is hot and beautiful, but he’s just not what does it for me.
I noted that I wanted a guy with a “professional” job just because I think that’s what would fit most with my lifestyle. And maybe “professional” isn’t clear enough, but I work regular (if not somewhat long) hours during the week with some evenings/weekends as necessitated by my workload. And so I can’t really imagine dating someone who didn’t have that same (professional?) schedule, though there are many professionals who work different hours … maybe I need to find a better word.
I would sacrifice tall and professional in a heartbeat for someone if we connected and had chemistry. These things are just my best guess as to what that man will look like. Dating and attraction aren’t perfect sciences, unfortunately. But, in my opinion, having a starting point has to help, even if just a little bit, right?
Also, hot is in the eye of the beholder.
Lynne – I believe that we can cheer each other on, despite our differences in alma mater and/or teams of choice.
That said, I hope my Tigers bury your Buckeyes.
Dateable Dork – That’s what I’m saying!
Maverick – I will make many compromises for the right man. But I draw the line at choosing any team over my dear Tigers. The Tigers could be playing God’s hand-picked football team of Tall, Okra-eating Professional Male Angels and I would pray that the Angels fumbled the kickoff return and that my Tigers ran it back for a touchdown. (Though I think you could make the argument that the Tigers are God’s team, given the recent happenings – clearly the Divine was smiling on the Tiger Faithful on Saturday night.
)
[...] comments on the last post made me so happy for some reason. (I’m sure it had a lot to do with my Tiger Pride welling up [...]
Can I ask why wait for New Years? Why not do it now? Earlier this year I slipped up and started smoking again after not smoking for about six years. And then I stopped. I didn’t wait for New Years. I said “this is stupid and unhealthy for me and I need to stop” and I did. Plus let’s keep in mind no one keep New Year’s resolutions. We fail after a week or so and they’re abandoned by February. So why don’t you make a change for yourself now? Why wait?
I hear what you’re saying about the type. Perhaps your posts have made it seem like it was more of an issue than you’re now saying it is. I know that I know what your type is pretty well because you’re mentioned it enough. I did a lot of dating before I marriage and I doubt any of my friends could have told you my type because I didn’t have a physical type. I dated some tall guys, I dated short guys. I like feeling cuddled too but you know if you’re 5′7″ even a 5′7″ can make you feel cuddled. If you say it’s not a dealbreaker then it’s not but maybe think about trying to even put that out of your mind at all and then if you get one of those characteristics then great it’s a bonus! Whee! Who doesn’t like a bonus? You might not be able to control who your eye goes to originally but do you give attraction a shot when it’s someone who doesn’t meet your typical type? I’ve had some pretty meaningful relationships with guys who didn’t instantly knock me over with chemistry. “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten.” Maybe you should try doing something different even if you don’t think it would make a difference just to see if it will.
Well, I guess we do agree on one thing about college football, we’re both glad OU beat Mizzou (mainly because Mizzou is the root of all evil), and because it got my Jayhawks into a BCS bowl game for the first time ever. Too bad we couldn’t make it to an LSU vs. KU bowl game. Craziness I know, but it was a fun dream. And I must say personally, I would prefer to marry into KU Men’s Basketball tickets, though I do agree with your body type of tall and cuddly, though apparently having a specific body type makes me a bad person around here.
I’d love to marry into NY Mets tickets, but I don’t want to live anywhere up in the northeast….so that isn’t going to happen. I am up for adopting a team, though it’d have to be college football, and in the SEC.
As someone who grew up in Nola (yes, Metairie does count!) is an LSU alum (c/o 2000) and has since moved to the west coast where they have NO F*&$ing idea how to tailgate, your post almost make me cry. How much I miss BR tailgating.. walking from RV to RV with my custom paint pen decorated 40oz cup, getting Abita Amber or Jack and coke top-offs and munching down on fried catfish and Jambalayas (love corporate sponsored tailgates).. Ah, its enough to make me bust my piggy bank and spend the $600 (can you believe flights are that much?!) to fly my southern booty down to Nola for the big game.. Luckily there is an LSU bar here that gets pretty rowdy (I know I was surprised too that people actually leave the state), and I have a few Ohio fans that I am going to trick into coming just so we have some Tiger bait to snack on (Yelling into the TV only gives you so much satisfaction).. If only I could get them to server those yummy Purple Everclear infused Tiger Bait Daiquiris…. oh, those were the day..
Ok this has progressed to far beyond comment territory. You are awesome! I love your blog, you keep me southern in this crazy city of Californian vegetarians. Keep it up!!
Angie
[...] she chooses not to reveal her identity or specific location.. anywho, she wrote a hilarious post that coupled with LSU’s # 2 ranking and upcoming appearance in the BCS National Championship [...]
avid lurker here. Absolutely my most favorite post ever by you! Love it, love it, love it!
HANDS DOWN one of my favorite CBS posts EVER!!!
LOVED IT and wish i’d written it!! only for a different team, obv.
Go Cocks!!!
anyway, i too, have come to the realization that marrying into season tix is the ideal. watching the games in bars and scrounging for tix is no way for a Lady Fan to live. we are worth more.
and for any attractive, single, male Gamecock readers who may be reading this: i can make all the same promises she can, although my cooler is slightly smaller…LOL
Charming, you need to type this up and hand it out to young Tiger Hotties at the next season opener! i won’t be able to do it here in SC. i’m afraid my boyf might have a tiny problem with that….
can i have a “mister”? like a mistress, only for me? because that would work out just fine!!! LOL he can provide me with season tix, and i can provide him with baked goods and booze. that’s fair, right??
Oh, man, you should make a template out of that personal ad for the rest of us! I was just talking to a guy today about how the guys I’ve dated seem to want to keep their sports separate from me. I want a guy who WANTS me to be into sports, hanging out on the sofa, drinking beer and eating chips (or those little hot dogs!) while the game is on. Can I borrow it, please???????? Only I have to make mine about UNH hockey.
I think I just read my own personal ad. Except I would have to add… “Must know how to fix fence.” You would be amazed at how few boys in Oklahoma/Texas actually know how to fix a fence…
Well, I just stumbled onto your blog, and even though I bleed orange and blue and worship at the altar of Urban Meyer (and therefore HATE your team for being where I want us to be…and we were, quelle horror!, last year…), I wanted you to know that this is just FANTASTIC.
I hope you don’t mind if I hang around a bit!
Auburn should have beat LSU in that game and you know it…
Taylor — Unless the rules of football have changed and points scored in the final moments of a game don’t count to the same extent of points scored early in a game, LSU deserved that hard-fought win. Miles took a chance with that play and it worked out perfectly. I was sitting in the stands losing my shit because we were only ONE point down. I just wanted them to kick and send me on my way.
There were things Auburn could have done NOT to lose the game on that play — breaking through blockers to sack Flynn for one. Tuberville could have called a damn time out, for another. That would have slowed LSU down and given him time to plan for himself. Sure, that would have been risky, but so was letting the clock run down to nothing against a highly skilled team. (Go watch this YouTube clip, because he could have stopped the clock with 30 seconds, slowing down LSU and possibly saving some offensive time for himself: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8Jh0clroEg )
But Monday morning quarterbacking is 20/20 and the coaches had to make quick choices. Tuberville hedged his bet on Colt David missing the kick and Miles hedged his bet on his players being skilled and confident enough to make that play and LSU won. (I’d argue that basing your winning strategy on hoping for a screw up from a team that notoriously beat Florida with a last minute victory probably isn’t a solid bet, but this was the week after we lost to Kentucky, so it wasn’t out of the realm of possibilities that we could lose.)
So, I guess my long point here is that no, I don’t think Auburn should have beat LSU in that game. Auburn could have, and did not, stop the clock with 30 seconds remaining, changing the dynamic of the game. Nor did Auburn break through LSU’s line to sack Flynn. Nor did Auburn run back the next kick off for a touchdown. (Remember, they had at least 1 second left and really they could have argued for 2 or 3 seconds if they wanted to. Had that pass been incomplete, LSU would have been screaming for those seconds.) Nor did they outscore LSU by an insurmountable margin throughout the game, rendering the last second victory impossible.
Games are won and lost up until the last second ticks off of the clock. The Fourth Quarter isn’t an optional quarter played for show. And, yes, it is disappointing when your team appears to be heading to a win and loses on a last-second comeback. But that doesn’t mean that the winning team should lose just because you don’t like how the final points were scored.
And, as always, GEAUX TIGERS!!!
You make some good points; however, I would rather LSU beat the snot out of Auburn, than lose in the last seconds of the game. The last words on that video ring true: “LSU has won it on a miracle finish.”
I guess I’m still bitter about the 2004 season…
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