How not to flirt December 10, 2007
Posted by charmingbutsingle in Advice People Give Me, Friends, General Clumsiness and Related Stupidity, It's a strategy, Men, Seriously!, Single Girl Cliches, Weekend Updates.trackback
Friday evening after a long day I was sitting with my friends listening to some live rat pack-style music and admiring the Upright Bass Player, who was tall with dark hair and a beard. He was perfect – so my type.
Also, apparently, one of my girlfriends’ types as well. And though we were both joking about having “claimed” him as our own, neither of us seemed to be doing a whole heck of a lot about it.
At a break, I saw him go outside and decided that this would be a good time for an oh-so-bad-for-me smoke break. And there I was, standing alone outside, a mere four or five feet from where he was talking to horn player. I was trying to think of an opening to talk to him, figuring I could request a song. And then a woman in her forties looked at me and said, “You can have a smoke with me since you’re alone.”
Great.
She was nice enough and we chatted for a few minutes while the Upright Bass Player went inside. I tried to smile and be polite but I wanted to yell or scream or pout that she’d interrupted what was, in my mind, a perfect opportunity.
I went inside for the second set, moaning about my lack of luck to The Banker, who was sitting next to me.
“You know that guy is just so my type,” I said.
“He is.”
The band took another break and the Girlfriend who was admiring the same guy decided to leave. She gave us hugs and went to pay her tab. Another friend’s husband was heading to the bar and I decided that I didn’t want to deal with the rush of people during the break and would wait to get a second beer.
As The Banker was gathering her purse to go to the bar, our friend’s husband returned from the bar.
“[Girlfriend] said to tell you that she talked to the Bass Player at the bar just now.”
Clearly, she’d thrown down the gauntlet and I’m not one to back down from a challenge, so I reached for my purse to follow The Banker, who just laughed.
We positioned ourselves at the end of the bar where the Bass Player was and ordered drinks.
“I’ll stay with you so you won’t just be standing here alone,” The Banker offered.
“Thanks!”
“I mean, my loyalties lie with you, since I’ve known you longer.”
So we stood. I leaned up against the bar with my beer in my hand and tossed flirtatious glances over to the Bass Player.
He did not notice.
“What is me standing here doing?” I asked The Banker.
“You’re available for him to come talk to you,” she said.
So we stood. I took coy sips from my beer and stared at him a little more blatantly.
“This doesn’t seem to be working,” I said. “Should I move? Try to get his attention? Fall over on the floor?”
“You could walk toward the bathroom and pretend to trip and spill your beer on him.”
“THAT is your suggestion?” I asked incredulously.
“Well, you’d definitely get his attention,” The Banker said.
“All of the possibilities in the world and spilling beer on him is your best idea?” I asked.
“Look, I’m bad at this stuff too.”
So we stood.
The band started moving back toward to the small stage.
“Ok, so standing here didn’t work.”
“You still have time to spill your beer.”
“I am NOT spilling my beer on him.”
And then he went back to his bass.
So we sat through another set. Prom Date joined us and soon everyone else left except for us and I stared longingly at where the Bass Player was packing up him equipment. And I turned to Prom Date to gush that this guy just looked so much like my type of guy.
And I looked back and he was gone.
Hahahah! Too bad. Has happened to me too! And I just wrote something on the same lines.
All the best for the future though. Keep writing about it. I’ll come by and find out what happened!
Flirting lessons learned from watching Animal Planet:
Preening like a peacock at the bar may occassionally prove effective, but a lioness roar tends to get a hell of a lot more attention.
Stood there. Looking at him. Longingly. Damn, that didn’t work? On a smashing looking bass player?
Other things that might better get the attention of your average band member:
1.) Talking to them while flirting.
2.) Dragging them into the bathroom for some smooching or…
3.) Buying his drink.
4.) Stealing their strings.
5.) Hiding in their case, or just leaving your number there.
6.) Talking up other members of the band, or the driver.
7.) Finding out where they’re staying that night and inviting yourself out for a nightcap.
8.) Stand there, looking at him, longingly. But smack him on the chops when you get close. Then smile sweetly and ask some question. Any Question to get him involved.
9.) Get some cherries in your drink and then with your tongue tie knots in the stems, looking up at the subject and smiling ever so sweetly at him. After about 10 or so just for practice, affect to look eager but slightly annoyed that you’ve run out of practice material.
10.) Tell him that the drummer turned you down because you told him that you did not have room enough for his kit.
But seriously C. ‘I’m with the band’ is not an aspirational hope for many over the age of 30. Unless they’re really serious at it. Cheers & Good Luck! ‘VJ’
I went out Saturday night. Amazing no? And I did not have nay problems in this area… because I didn’t try. Yeah, I’m not useful or insightful, except as an example of lameness. Least you did SOMETHING.
Maybe try saying ‘Hi. I’m having a good time.’
That is SO MUCH of how it goes for me too. I will stalk a guy up and down the aisles of the grocery store not knowing what to say to him and then suddenly, he is gone or I am paged to come to the daycare because my son needs to use the restroom. Ugh.
I say that he either has a girlfriend or is gay.
I agree with not spilling your beer, but I’m all for going up to a guy and starting a conversation! Works better than trying to look available most times.
I think the best flirting is not done in tandem. Those band guys are pretty tough to get, but I do think it’s possible. Just attack! Then act like you don’t like him. I don’t know but being a little rude immediately after showing interest has never failed for me. Then again, at the bar where they play is always tough…
Story of my life! Sucks…but maybe you’ll get another chance
Why can’t they just make it easy for us?!
I love it!
I started writing a response, and just went on and on, so instead I turned it into a blog. (http://notesfromthecouch.blogspot.com/2007/12/some-dos-and-donts-for-women-wanting-to.html) I linked back here so people can see what I’m talking about)
Whoops, I screwed that up: http://notesfromthecouch.blogspot.com/
So I despise (I mean really and truly despise) Dr. Phil but I have to ask “how’s that workin for ya?” Cuz it doesn’t seem to be working too well. You’re a big girl. You’ve had some life exerience particularly with dating. Other than him being your physical type what about this guy made him seem worth your time? Worth wasting an evening mooning around wondering how/if you should approach him? This is what I was talking about when I said maybe you should think about looking beyond your type and outside of bars.
A fellow reader thought I should clarify that was “you’re a big girl” in the “nothing to do but put on your big girl panties and do it” aka you’re a grown-up sense not as any kind of implication about your size. I thought you could figure that out from the context but figured better safe than sorry.
sometimes you have to go after what you want…more than just putting yourself in their line of vision. there’s nothing wrong with saying hi and introducing yourself. and i think that’s 10 times better than some clever pick up line that ultimately comes off as just that….
Oh man! That totally sucks. But seriously, how could he NOT notice all your suggestive glances? Men can be so dense, really. I just don’t even try to understand them anymore. Sorry it didn’t work out for you. You’ll just have to find another cute bearded guy to pounce on. : )
Charming, This one is easy…you have an in! He Is A ENTERTAINER! a musicman. This is so much easier then just some cute guy that you see at the next table…Say something! Say, hey that was a great song. Where did you learn to play the Bass? Do you play anything else? Your band is really rockin! I like this type of music…Any one of those would have gotten your foot in the door. Bartenders and Musicans in bars are easy to talk to, it’s the guy or girl with their friends surrounding them that’s difficult…Sorry you missed out on this one, but come on! I’m sure after you got that far and got a responce he would have continued to talk to you and you would have gotten to know more, and if he was really someone to go after/exchange numbers…geez I thought I was shy! Good Luck Charming! (it’s in your name, use it!
if he’s anything like the yummy bass player i managed to marry, he’s oblivious. next time, you must fling yourself.
Hah! Glad I’m not the only one who had such an experience this weekend…
That sucks! That old lady outside totally blew it for you.
lol, yeah let’s blame it on the lady. But yeah, i think we’ve all been in a similar situation where you just can’t work up the nerve. Next time!
Murphey’s Law strikes again! I hate that!
Grrrr! I wouldn’t have spilled my beer on him either, but gosh I wish that story had a better ending! You must track him down!
Don’t worry….you’ll run into him again….just stalk the same bar…
I have just the idea for your problem, go in for a arranged marriage .
Post your biodata in a newspaper and let the proposals flow in.
No more scouring bars for eligible men.
Jazz musicians, especially bass players, are notoriously socially inept, awkward, and oblivious. They choose to play such a large instrument specifically so they can hide behind it.
Trumpet players, on the other hand, are arrogant bastards and if they don’t hit on you, then they are definitely not interested, or too busy bragging about that C above high C that they hit at their last gig.
In summary, jazz musicians are starving to be noticed. Just have some idea about what you’re talking about. If you don’t like jazz, don’t fake it. They will recognize that you’re faking it and be heartbroken. Say something like, “I don’t really listen to jazz, but I really like you guys.” Also, read up on Charles Mingus. If he’s the typical weird bassist sort of guy, he’ll be charmed if you can tell him the story about how Charles Mingus trained his cats to use the toilet.
As soon as I think about flirting my brain shuts off and I can only think of saying things I never want to say out loud to a guy I’m interested in “ie. I miss Newlyweds”. It’s been my experience that I need to just forget flirting and jump into conversation. However awkward it is at first, and however flushed my cheeks might be- it gets easier and a few minutes in, I realize HEY! I’M BATTING MY EYELASHES!. And then the flirting comes naturally.
Never underestimate the beer spill. It sometimes works! It’s not about the beer; it’s all the about who’s doing the spilling.
Sadly it often boils down to pulchritude. Sassy helps but pulchritude tends to win.
I have been toying with my very own Bass Player….very strange character….good luck with yours if you manage to catch his eye next time…I am thinking…find a different band member though. I agree with Iris on her summation.
I have a thing for a saxaphone player i see periodically and have the same problem….ugh.
Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn’t, eh? I have to agree with amber–flinging is a good idea. Of course, unobtrusively flinging is even better.
Why does this feel like the story of my life? Oh wait . . . because it is! Some nights you’ve got it and other nights you don’t.
I have a thing for any girl who is musically talented (more than being able to dance on a pole….that doesn’t count anymore). Unfortunately I’ve found less and less women who *are* talented, as they tend to give it up by their early/mid-20’s.
Even further proof that when it matters, guys are totally oblivious.