Vague, take two March 2, 2008
Posted by charmingbutsingle in Advice People Give Me, Dating, Friends, General Clumsiness and Related Stupidity, I will never ever actually admit to this ever, It's a strategy, Men, My Misspent Youth, Really. Bad. Habits., Sad but true, Single Girl Cliches.trackback
Plans are fun to make. But when you get the news that the time is quickly nearing and plans will come to fruition, I don’t think that your first reaction should be your stomach rumbling. Never a good sign.
So I’m going the honesty route with some confidants to gauge their reactions and hopefully snap myself back into reality.
“I’m thinking of revisiting a person from my past,” I told Best Friend Ever.
“Why would you do that when he wasn’t good enough the first time around?” she asked.
“Because, it’ll be fun. Just casual.”
“This is a truly bad idea,” she said.
“No, it isn’t. No feelings. Just a fun way to pass the time.”
“This is a trend with you.”
“A trend?”
“You say you’re never going to get hurt and you say you’re not going care and you do get hurt because you do care.”
I told her that I didn’t think it was necessarily a trend and she reiterated that it was a truly terrible idea to revisit the past, if only for a fleeting moment of enjoyment. And I began to list all of the positives in a kind of whiny voice – why wasn’t she giving me permission to make this mistake? Friends are so frustrating sometimes, I was thinking.
She interrupted my incoherent rambling and said, “Aren’t there any nice guys out there that you haven’t dated before?”
“No, I am done. I am tired of propping my chest up in uncomfortable bras, I’m tired of wearing blush and worrying about my hair and smiling when I’d rather scream and having terrible fake conversations with men because I can’t find the one that I actually want to talk to because it isn’t fun out there. It is hard. And people are MEAN. And right now I’m too busy and too stressed out to get out there and find a new, worthy guy, so I’m going to hang out with an old one in hopes that this motivates me to put myself out there again.”
“Well, that sounds like a truly terrible idea,” she said.
Listen to friends, they know you best and have a better idea of what’s best for you. And revisiting the past when this represented a less than satisfactory outcome for Round 1? Why would you want to do that? And if it’s all casual, why not give the ever present BB a whirl? But yeah, it’s always been tough out there, and the truly decent people are having ever more difficulty finding each other, recognizing each, and actually making the moves necessary to initiate something someone may look back wistfully and pleasantly upon. But it’s a very large topic, having little to do with boredom BTW. But we’ve covered that somewhat. Cheers & Good Luck! ‘VJ’
Well, that’s one way to get motivation, I suppose.
Follow your friends’ advice. Trust me. I’ve learned the error of not doing so in the past. They always seem to know better.
See, I always feel exactly the same way. And do the same thing — go back to idiots because I am so frustrated and exhausted by what is available. And it always turns out I wish I’d left well enough alone. But I keep repeating the same mistakes over and over. No advice here, just sympathy.
sometimes, you need to keep going back until you really know once & for all that it will or will not work, & why. And really believe it. It’s like being vaccinated against a life-threatening illness.
Charming,
I am going through the exact same thing. And you know what, when you know what your getting yourself into before hand it’s much easier not to form the same attachments you did before. And who knows, people grow and change and maybe things will work this time, but if they don’t (which is quite likely with my luck) at least I have some good memories and won’t have to live with the regret of not giving it a try. Any excuse for me to get out of my sweatpants and look cute works for me. LOL!
Listen to your friend. Going out with the old will only make you more jaded. Enjoy being single. It will be fun for a while then the bug to be in a relationship will kick in again when the time is right.
Ya know, someone once said that insanity is doing the same thing twice and expecting different results.
I agree – truly a BAD idea. I understand the lack of motivation though. i really do.
I know I -should- say listen to your friend. But let’s be honest, YOU know what’s best for you. If you can objectively decide that a little casual, no feelings thing is what you want right now, go for it. She may know you really well, but she doesnt live inside your head. Just make sure you consider all the possible fallout first.
Oh, yeah. That sounds like a truly horrendous idea.
Wow. Don’t. Do. It. Holy. Crap. Yo.
She’s right. And you know she is.
But I’d want to make the other choice too.
Charming, What is your gut really telling you about the situation?
Just to add my 2cents, Listen to your friend! I know I have not always listened and I became more if a mess. Follow ur heart!
Single!
You have more choices than you know right now…don’t waste them on a guy who you already know isn’t right. Not that I have any business giving you advice, so please forgive me…it’s just that I think there’s more out there and it won’t depend on suspending your chest in uncomfortable bras…
Well, I guess it could be this instead:
Is the propping up of the chest and the wearing of the blush really so awful when the payoff is someone that is potentially truly wonderful? The point of the bra and blush is just that… and your girlfriend is right. If someone wasn’t good enough before, they certainly won’t be today. As a result, no matter how annoying the alternative may be, perhaps it should be taken. It may be irritating right now, but it will eventually be worth it.
You’re not alone, hon. This is the exact delimma I’m struggling with tonight, and I’m sure plenty of other women are doing the same thing. I say go for it, because even if it turns out to be a mistake, and even if you KNOW it’s a mistake ahead of time, you’ll drive yourself crazy if you don’t do it. And you’ll learn from it. And it’ll be a good story to tell when it all blows over. Good luck.
Oh, and isn’t it so comforting to visit an ex? All the awkwardness is already out of the way, and you can just relax and be yourself. It’s SO tiring getting dressed up and looking for Mr. Right. Sometimes you just need to chill out and enjoy Mr. Not Quite Right But Will Be Ok for Tonight.
As someone who Recycles like it is his job, you really shouldn’t go there. I mean, what is worse….putting yourself out there and getting some bumps and bruises or accepting a Quixotic Quest and guaranteeing failure? I myself tried a QQ, and now I’m taking my bumps and bruising….I’m not sure which will win out, but I figured if one way doesn’t work I might as well try the other.
ps. I have some thread that may help.
There are 5 things we can want in regards to relationships:
If Ultimately We All Want The Same thing, Then Why Are We Not Agreeing?
As you sort through men, make sure to consult the chart:
Relational Laundry
Charming -
Please correct me if I am wrong about the following assessment. I get the feeling from your blog that you are the type of woman who is not happy when you are in a casual relationship. There are some women, like the blogger at allthemeniveloved.blogspot.com , who are very happy and comfortable with casual relationships. But I just get the feeling that you are the type of woman who gets hurt in casual relationships since you need stability, support and encouragement from the men you are involved with (and please understand I do not mean this at all as a criticism – I am exactly the same way). And if you are the kind of person who tends to get hurt in casual relationships, you really need to avoid them. Since all the Blackberry can offer you is a casual relationship, you really need to seriously consider if this is a good idea for you.
Best of luck to you
“Recycling” is it’s name and unless you are heartless… (which you are obviously NOT), then you will get attached. He will do something cute, like kiss your forehead at the right time, or brush your hair away from you face… trust me & your friend… It WILL happen. And when you do get attached… he will float away.
Ok maybe he won’t float away, but there was a reason it didn’t work out the first time.
Unless he is like the guy “Green arrow” from the show Smallville, (OMG what a hottie) then I would have to say Go for IT!!
lol. Seriously, I have to agree with your friend, don’t waste your time.
You know, I think I’ve had that conversation several times myself, playing the part of You AND the part of Best Friend Ever.
However, the very fact that you felt the need to confess/ask her advice tells me that, deep down, you’ve already made up your mind that you’re going to do it… you just want BFE to have some warning of the potential havoc to come
Whatever you decide dear, chalk it up to a learning experience. After all, a life with NO mistakes would be quite boring… don’t you think?
That’s all fine as long as you can keep it casual.
If what your friend is true, well… you’re just a mess waiting to happen
I am so right there with you.
But, do be careful. It can be rough out there, even when we think we’ve got it under control.
Awful idea.
Great idea, a quick hook up with the ex, jump his bones, get all emotional and inspired. He, of course, joins in with great gusto
( he’s getting balled big time here, why not join in !
Then you expect him to call a day or so later and he does not because he’s with his current steady ( guys are like that, dirty bastards ). So then, he’s an ass, and unreliable and not true and all that other stuff.
You are back at space one AGAIN, feeling like crap AGAIN, and bad mouthing him for being a jerk which you knew all along anyway.
Not a good idea…………..
I am notorious for wanting to re-tread the past, but as my wise friend told me during my most recent revisiting-the-past debacle, “Recycling is good for the environment, but recycling men is bad for YOUR environment.”
I of all people totally get the temptation, but at the end of the day I think it’s never a good idea.
I am a big time offender at revisiting the past. It’s just so easy. Ahh, I say go for it. What’s the worst that can happen right? And there is always a good story to be had.
Ah, yes. A story I know all too well. Sounds very much like my own life.
And while your family and friends may not always know what’s best for you, they do know you well (often better than we know ourselves) and only have your best interests in mind. They don’t want to see you get hurt, especially a second time around…or a third, fourth, etc.
You may not want to hear their “tough love” speech, but it does sound like you’ve fallen into a comfort zone and you just want things to be easy right now. Hanging out with an ex can be more “comfortable” because you already know one another. And while meeting someone new and starting a fresh relationship can seem like too much work, it may be what you need to do so you’ll never be tempted by the rekindling of a old flame. Exs are exs for a reason, right?
Before you agree to meeting with the ex, I would take into consideration what your friend is saying. I would weigh both sides of the coin. In the end though, it’s your decision and you should do what you feel is right for you – not just in the short term, but for the long haul as well. If you are anything like me, temptation can be a bitch! It’s often hard to say no, but you may need the strength to say no now, so you can save yourself from future heartbreak.
Perfect Example: An ex wanted to meet back up with me. Many people told me it was a bad idea, but I ignored them and did it anyway because I felt I was over her and it would be fine. One bottle of wine led to two. And two bottles of wine later I found myself faced with a dilemma as my once almost fiancée laid on my couch looking at me in a way that made me realize how emotional weak I still was toward her. Moral of the story…you may not want to put yourself in my shoes.
Better to be miserable for the right reasons and avoid the additional misery of beating yourself up.
Sometimes, honestly, you just gotta get laid. As with all things, however, there’s a price.
the logic does have some appeal so long as you understand that you’re gonna have to pay for it. somehow, sometime.
It is rather more complicated to sufficiently gauge and reap potential benefit, however. I am most definitely not in a position to give advice on such things.
IMHO, bringing someone up for reevaluation is so very very tempting and so easy for a quick fix but then comes the let down……and you say to yourself “Why did I do this again”?. I usually go this route when I am lacking self esteem. I can also understand how you are reluctant to put yourself out there again.It is not easy. I would rather visit the dentist for a root canal than go through another lousy first date. I am the consummate first date hater!!
dear God, have you learned NOTHING from me????!!!!
Rule #1: NEVER hook up with exes. NEVER EVER EVER EVER!!!!!
(did that snap you back? because if it didn’t, i have more ammo…)
p.s. Two words: unplanned pregnancy.
you STILL want to do this???
Making mistakes passes the time until we find someone who stops those mistakes.
But I mean, it’s HIS fault he’s not around.
So I make all the mistakes I want.