Joining Up March 16, 2008
Posted by charmingbutsingle in Being Southern, Family, Friends, Seriously!, We Get It -- You're Stressed About Getting Old, Weekend Updates, Women.trackback
There comes a time in many a Southern Woman’s life that shakes her to the core and causes her to question much about her existence. Up becomes down. Right becomes left. The light goes away and everything becomes fuzzy.
And this time came twice for me on Friday.
“[Lawyer Friend] came with me to our first Junior League introduction meeting this week,” Southern Belle announced at dinner, nudging Lawyer Friend, one of our dinner companions.
I almost spilled my wine in my fancy roasted corn grits.
“You went to what meeting?”
You see, earlier that day one of my other good friends had announced at lunch that she too was joining the Junior League, though she appeared a touch skeptical about the whole thing. I’d almost put it out of my head when Southern Belle dropped her bombshell.
I’d assumed, obviously incorrectly, that my brushes with the Junior League were somewhat nixed when I decided after eight years of private elementary school and four years of all-girls private high school not to pledge a sorority in college. Truth be told, my friends now are a mixed bag of Greeks and GDIs, though in college I hung mostly with the latter rather than the former. I knew plenty of people when I entered college and had only briefly considered Rush when I was going to a school three states over. I wasn’t sure about the financial commitment and figured that while I had some of the credentials – the right high school, good grades, a laundry list of extracurriculars and the potential to gather the appropriate recommendations – I wasn’t sure I was Sorority Girl material. With my (at the time) lacking fashion sense, middle class family and hips and curves and cellulite, I figured the Chi Os and Kappas wouldn’t have me; truthfully, I wasn’t that upset about it.
To me, the Junior League always seemed to be an extension of this and the birthright of the rich girls with the naturally shiny hair that’s always in place, who wear pearls to the gym and eyeliner everywhere. A sorority for adults and a social club purporting to do “service” when there are a hundred nonprofit groups in the city that could actually use some warm bodies to serve and that wouldn’t charge anyone membership fees and require sponsorship by multiple League members. The whole thing seemed more about status and who knew who and rich doctor husbands and nice cars.
And so I simply never thought that in one day two of my close friends would announce their intention to join. As an aside, how am I even old enough to be in the Junior League? Isn’t that something that soccer moms do? A check of their Web site and the pending membership of three of my acquaintances prove that I am. That coupled with the gray hairs I’ve been spotting just makes me feel old.
So there I was at dinner, politely rolling my eyes and asking only mildly abrasive questions – Isn’t it expensive? Don’t most of the women not have jobs? Aren’t you supposed to be ridiculously rich to join? What is the minimum number of pearl necklaces one must have to apply?
“Come on, you could join the Junior League with us!” Southern Belle said.
“Why? If I want to hang out with you, I don’t have to join a club to do so,” I said. “Plus, I already work too much and am on a nonprofit board. If I wanted to do more service, I would just do it.”
“Well, this meeting, it was kind of interesting,” she said.
“You should see the clothes these women worse,” Lawyer Friend offered. “They were dressed to the nines.”
“Yes, they were. Like nice dressy dresses you and I would wear to a friend’s wedding. I think I saw someone in a wrap dress I wore for a special occasion. And that’s how she dressed for a meeting!” Southern Belle said.
Their interest seemed almost voyeuristic. And, in all honesty, I’m not going to drop a friend or two because they join a club, even if I do find it to be annoyingly exclusive. We all have our reasons and if my friends want to join to network or do more service or maybe make some new acquaintances, who am I to judge? And they’d asked about the service requirement and some of the members assured them they could commit to it, even with their busy jobs.
Later, I told my Mom, no fan of the Junior League herself, about this milestone I’d reached in my adult life. Her reaction was guarded.
“So, baby, are you going to join?” she asked cautiously.
“Mom, I didn’t get invited to join.”
“Well, I’m sure we could get someone to help you out if you really wanted to join,” she said and began to list people who might be friendly to me joining. I’ve got to hand it to my Mom, she will support us in whatever it is that we truly want to do.
“Mom, if I wanted to join, I could meet the people who invited my friends and get in next year,” I interrupted.
I stopped short of adding that my public relations background means I professionally know what to say in certain situations – meeting Junior Leaguers included – and could handle an introduction if I needed one made.
“So, will you try? Next year?”
“MOM, come on. Have you met me?” I said, rolling my eyes.
“Well thank God,” she said.
And a look of relief spread across her face, as if she were thinking that even though we disagree on religion and politics and fashion and lifestyle and my opinionated nature and potential husbands and appropriate height of high heel and how much cleavage is too much and on the merits of Chardonnay versus Pinot Gris and timeframe for procreation and standard of housekeeping, she could finally relax knowing that at least I wasn’t going to become a Pod Person.
Believe me, the Chamber of Commerce is much less charming, and has a much more obvious and odious political agenda (most of the time). And still most of the businesses in many towns feel the need to belong. They rarely dress up anymore either.
But the point is well taken. There’s much more worthy causes with less cachet or old fashioned feeling & PR. Work is work, and you might as well work for an organization which appeals more to your sense of duty and where you’d like to see your time and efforts being spent. I don’t know many guys still impressed with the League set, I do know plenty who would be proud to see a relative, GF, wife, daughter or mother working for & with Habitat building homes, or in other service organizations that actually provide some decent & quantifiable return for your & their investments, rather than white gloves & tea & crumpets to discuss the need for more gardens & ‘beautification’.
Well yes, all causes are worthy, but some more so than others. So find something that interests you & a cause you can believe in. Everyone can help with volunteering, and every good cause needs champions. There’s literally 100’s to choose from too. Still, overall it’s a much better use of time that going after those old tired re-treads/former flames that may haunt the bars or your dreams & nightmares. Useful & needed volunteer works produce good citizens, good feelings and fine friendships. That’s nothing to sneeze at either. And it may even keep you warm at night too!
Cheers & Good Luck! ‘VJ’
I have been bombarded with friends and people that I work with asking me to join the Junior League in our town, as well. I was in a sorority in college; however, I’m not sure I want to be involved in an extension of that. I don’t want to pay fines if I don’t make an event, and I don’t want everyone to notice if I don’t make a meeting and call or email to ask where I was. I just don’t need that kind of hassle with my already busy life.
I instead joined the Athens Area Cancer Auxiliary. It’s a great organization, and it’s similar to the Junior League, but everyone is not dressed up as much and just seems to have more fun! And they don’t ask where I am when I can’t make a meeting.
Oh my…I was a sorority girl in college, and the experience spelled out, for once and for all, the myriad ways in which I feel confined by groups. Ah, the meetings, the fines, the “did you go’s”… I actually got to be an officer by the time I was a senior, but boy was I unhappy…I did learn a lot about social hierarchy, though!
I think your mother’s response was quite amusing - and appropriate.
oh my, are you ready for that? junior league it up!
I’m particularly fond of the movie ‘Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil’ and remember the scene where the Ladies of Savannah got together, dressed to nines, to play cards and swap gossip. I was watching it with a southern girl and I pointed at the screen and said, “Really?”, to which she replied, “Sadly, yes.”
I’m assuming by your description that they were Junior Leaguers.
Thank you for perfectly spelling out exactly why I have resisted membership in the Junior League. Exclusivity just doesn’t to it for me; never will.
“Have you met me?”
I say that to all my friends. They hate it. I do tend to over use the phrase, but come on, have they met me?
Fortunately the Junior League has not expressed an interest in me at all, even though most of my sorority sisters are in it. All the JLs I know only allow married women. I think the singles make them nervous about their men or something. They really run a few of my friends crazy with their demands and harsh judgements.
I have far more friends in JL than I realized, too. And they’d secretly been in it for years before spreading the word that they were. I too have no desire to join. Seems sort of Stepford Wives-ish to me.
Which cities of the JL require marriage for membership? I’ve moved a bunch and have been in JL in four different cities and have never heard of marriage as a requirement.
I’ve never even heard of the Junior League, but it sounds absolutely awful.
I’m with you 100% - had I gone to a college that had Greek life, I never in a million years would have joined. Like you said, there are plenty of non-exclusive community service outlets that are just short of begging for volunteers.
Good for you for sticking to your guns. Even when it’s something that’s not very cool (in your opinion), it can be hard to be unwavering when “all your friends are doing it.” You’d make the afterschool specials of our youth very proud.
Charming,
Are we the same person????? I feel the same way. I could have written this post myself. I have had the exact exact same experiences as you. I am now 31 and have not joined and never will. A sorority for grown ups. AVOID AVOID AVOID!!
Have a great day,
Princess
Ps. My mother thinks that they are ridiculous too.
sorry as another quick rant - how are you going to meet anyone of the male variety hanging out with a bunch of women?????
Ok its out.
Princess
I have a close friend who was joining the Junior League and couldn’t understand why she would want to join such an organization that forces you to do things. She hated doing all the stuff too, so I never understood why she did it. She would bitch and moan about having to be at some event at 6am on a Saturday morning. But, whatever. She doesn’t talk about it much anymore, I wonder if she followed through with it, I’ll have to ask now!
Good for you for resisting! Love your mom’s response too, so funny!
Reminds me of the sorority I was in. I was pretty much done with the whole thing by my senior year. Wasn’t willing to play into the drama. Spent a lot of time off campus or with my guy friends. At the end they suspended me and I wasn’t allowed to attend “fun” social events. SO I was like- hey thanks now I won’t feel guilty about not being here because I’m not allowed. I really don’t understand how that punishment fit the crime at all…
Anyways, I don’t think my area has a J.L. And I’m positive that if it did I wouldn’t be joining. THe limited amount of free (HA) time I do have will not be spent discussing gossip or the best way to arrange cut flowers or the new Longaberger basket that came out.
I will say though, that the sorority did provide me an education. Of what exactly I’m not sure- politics, coping, hypocracy… Oh, and Parlimentary Procedure. You know- because I use that every day while I do taxes.
Can you say Gilmore girls? I keep thinking about the controlling mom (emily..was that her name?) and how she was about was her “Jr League”. I honestly thought the TV show made the whole thing up.
Obviously I am a GDI girl through and through. I would rather volunteer for a non-profit, work you A** off, independent group than work with a group that spends soo much money & time on their appearence.
That being said, I’m with you Charming. If my friends wanted to join, I would wish them luck & maybe even go to A meeting, to show support, but I would NOT join.
I’m in love with your Mom, and I think you two should start your own Charming League, teaching the world balanced lessons on dress, etiquette and social services.
On a side note, God Damn Independent is pretty exclusive in and of itself. I, like you, had a mix of Greek and non-Greek friends (and some actually FROM Greece!) in college, but always hate how divisive this issue makes people, even years after graduation.
Yeah I didn’t really go for the sorority thing in college either. And sometimes I catch myself wishing I did but then I immediately slapped myself in the face. Sometimes we just need something to wake us up!
I didn’t mean that it was an official rule that members must be married, but that the current members seem only to be interested in other married women becoming members. Sort of an unofficial preference. The friends I’m referring to live in South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, and Texas.
I’ve had similar conversations when friends joined the JL…I wish I’d thought to condense it down to, “Have you met me?” I mean, that really says it all
This post was very funny. I have friends in the JL too and I always feel sorry for them. I’ve noticed they seem much happier when they can resign.
Oh I’ve missed reading your posts.
Great as always!
I can relate to you oh so well. I enjoyed reading your blog for the first time. Thank you for putting into words what so many of us feel.
you say “junior league”, i hear “stepford wife”. *shudders*
i work with a woman who is in junior league, and she’s pretty annoying. she thinks she’s hot shit, when really, her life is a total train wreck. plus, she wears SCRUNCHIES!!! *shudder* LOL whenever she invites me to join, all i can think is “oh dear god. no. it’s full of people like you, all wearing their scrunchies. i would rather stab my eyeballs out!”
i was in a sorority in college, but it was more about partying than anything else! LOL no one ever acted like it was a stepping stone to JL. then again, i went to college in the midwest, and i think this is a Southern thing.
i am getting ready to start volunteering for big brothers big sisters. it’s hands-on and a big need. it doesn’t involve money or social status. no one is going to care if i’m wearing a diane von furstenburg wrap dress or a wal-mart tshirt. and instead of raising money at $100/plate formal fundraisers for the peons who do the dirty work, i will be making a difference i can see with my own eyes. i WANT to be down in the trenches. much more my style. i can’t wait.
I thought about joining JL as a means to meet new friends and start volunteering again. One of my friends joined it in a smaller city than where I am and it’s worked out well. So when the Evite came this week, I rsvp’d. Then I got another email informing me that I had to pay at the first meeting to “ensure my spot in the League”. And they want $400!!! Insane!
I still may join it later on when I move to another state, but not if they want that much!
props to you for not being yet another sheep. i too grew up in the south, went to a private school for middle and high school, where something called “Canwick” was sort of the high school equivalent of this Junior League thing.
I was not asked to join this elite group- and i hate to say it, but I think it was because I was neither rich or white. But looking back i think to myself, thank goodness! Having to find your own way makes you who you are (at any age)!
“Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.” Muriel Strode
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HA! That last paragraph cracked me up.