My friends give good advice that I never take April 9, 2008
Posted by charmingbutsingle in Advice People Give Me, Friends, General Clumsiness and Related Stupidity, I will never ever actually admit to this ever, Men, Really. Bad. Habits., Sad but true, Single Girl Cliches, The Male of the Species Is Ridiculous.trackback
I was relaying a conversation I had with a certain man to a friend. He’d said he’d come over and didn’t and so I sent him a snippy text the next morning because I am actually 12 years old and he wrote back later to say he was sorry.
“And then I said, ‘Look, I’m going to stop worrying about this, I’m not your girlfriend. This is not supposed to be stressful for me,’ which I thought was pretty reasonable,” I told my friend. “But remember this was on instant messenger.”
“Uh-huh,” said my friend.
“So he writes back, ‘I understand’,” I said. “And so I write back, ‘I just want to have fun.’”
“Right.”
“And he writes back, ‘I know.’”
“Okay …”
“And I say, ‘So, if you’re not up for that, let me know.’”
“And?”
“He said, ‘Oh I am,’” I said. “And then whole thing drove me crazy because I was so incredibly pissed about him just not calling me to say he wasn’t coming and here I am trying to have a conversation about this and all he can muster is one or two word answers? But then I was thinking that he WAS on his Treo, so maybe that’s all he could type.”
“Wait, excuse me?” My friend had been skeptically listening to me vent, but her ears perked up at this.
“Well, you know, they have small keyboards.”
“Smaller than the keyboard on your Blackberry, which you seem to have no problems typing at length on?” she asked.
“Well, you know, not everyone can type …”
“Do Treos have full keyboards?”
“Yes.”
“Does he have the most GINORMOUS hands ever? Are his fingers so big that he can’t wiggle them? Are his hands FREAKISHLY large?” My friend asked, clearly annoyed.
“Well, not really.”
“SO, you’re telling me that you’re now making excuses for a guy for sending crap one and two word responses on his phone, which doesn’t even have one of those lame keyboards with two letters to a key?”
“Well, when you say it like that,” I said. “What was I supposed to say?”
“APOLOGY NOT ACCEPTED. WTF!” And to punctuate she airkeyboarded on her Blackberry and slammed it down on the table.
I love your blog, I love this post, and I love your friend’s reaction. It reminds me exactly of my dear friend T., who whenever I start to wax optimistic and make excuses for the latest dude to disappoint me, reminds me of our favorite refrain from “He’s Just Not That Into You” — “You deserve a f—ing phone call!”
And, if I do say so myself, even when you’re just trying to “have fun” with the guy….you DO deserve a f—ing phone call!
You have a FABULOUS FRIEND! I love her!
“Are his fingers so big that he can’t wiggle them?” cracks me up and what imagery. **laughing**
LoL, your friend is awesome. haha
I get the sense that writing is part of what you do for a living and certainly for an avocation so typing more than two word communications comes naturally to you. The guy is probably not into typing lengthy communiques even if he were trying to ask you to marry him let alone avoid being bawled out (however much he deserved it). He was doing the virtual equivalent of covering up in the corner to avoid your blows. If it was a conversation you wished to have you should have had just that through the spoken and not the typed word. Otherwise, his I’m sorry without more should have elicited your friend’s suggested response or a GFY you clueless pathetic excuse for a human being. Even in the 21st century courtesy is not (or should not be) dead.
Sounds like it was quite the awkweird little exchange.
Men can SO be like this that it really doesn’t surprise me…so there really is no need for you to make excuses for it.
If you are in this situation just to have fun, you may want to think a little about how to ask for what you want out of it, rather than shoehorning yourself into the persona of the Girl Who Has No Agency (which is not you!). No commitments does NOT mean no expectations, and it will serve both of you better if you’re honest about what you expect.
Lastly, I do think some punitive measures may have been in order. What a lame-o!
Reasons 1-22 why I don’t ‘text’, and prefer to call or actually write a short email. People somehow come to expect a constant stream of commentary & a proper ‘exchange’, but all some guys can muster is ‘MMM’ or ‘Yea or Get back to u’. Not too many guys are ‘overly verbal’ even with all the right and proper communication technology. Have you seen what passes for ‘business communication’ nowadays? Most folks also try and avoid confrontation. Especially guys when they suspect that they’ve screwed up somehow, (which is naturally virtually most of the time, right). So they’re in confrontation avoidance mode. You’re only likely to get 2-3 word answers there given the circumstances. Anything more would be cause for more trouble.
So yeah, he probably should have apologized and offered to make it up to you. But that’s the adult thing to do, and for this generation, seemingly adulthood never starts until some distant date some 10 years into the future. When you get ‘older & wiser’. Count me as thinking that this is not a very good indication of how the bloke might fare in any serious LTR. But I’m also betting that he’s so seriously cute, (to you) that you’re well used to making excuses for him. Not to worry all his gals do that for him probably. Me, I’m always wondering when the adults will make a showing on the stage, and mostly I’m just left waiting. Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’
Too many guys that use the excuse- I dont’t text well, Sorry, Yeah I know I should have called- (pick your fave) and we buy it.
Bravo to your friend for bringing it to your attention! Just remember to be as good a friend back
Hee! I loved your friend air-texting. Hilarious. And also, she is correct. I’d give the dude the ol’ WTF? myself.
What a great friend! I would so not make excuses for him either!
LOVE the air-texting! Hilarious!
The thing is, you need to tell him what you do expect before you can be surprised that you don’t get it. You need to tell him that if he’s not going to come over after the two of you have discussed it, you need him to call and let you know.
Men are not good mind readers at all for the most part. If you want them to know something, you need to tell them. Outline what you do expect as well as what you don’t expect. Chances are, this guy didn’t realize you were still angry (since you did in fact say you were letting it go) or that you were trying to have a serious conversation with him (see earlier parenthetical aside). And seeing as there is no commitment involved, he probably doesn’t see that coming. Be up front about what you want and what you expect, even if you think he should already know. It won’t cost you anything to take the few minutes to tell him what you need, and it will avoid lots of future drama. Trust me.
Your friend is right - there’s really no excuse on his part. In fact, there was probably no need to even get in touch with this guy since he blatantly broke plans with you. Like singlefabulous said, it’s reminiscent of “He’s Just Not That Into You”….the guys make it easy, they let you know when they are not interested. We are the ones who make it complicated by making excuses for them and their poor behavior.
You deserve better, trust! Sounds like you’re not looking for something too serious with this guy, but why waste your time at all on someone who doesn’t treat you with enough respect to pick up the phone?
I agree with One Date Number: Men can’t, don’t and won’t read your mind. If you want a mind reader, date a woman. It’s not fair for woman (I’ll blanket stereotype for the sake of this argument) to expect men to read their minds when they are psychologically built differently. You care about emotions. He cares about logic. Logically, he had every right to give you those answers because you said it didn’t matter. He’s not going to read into that and think, “Is she over it? Maybe she does care! Even though she just told me she didn’t!!!” He’s going to read it and think, “Ok. ”
I don’t understand how more women don’t understand that being subtle doesn’t work - be honest and upfront with people. It’s not that hard. “Hey you should have called so you’re kind of a dick but I won’t have a serious conversation with you over a blackberry because let’s be honest here - who has serious conversations over a blackberry?”
I would have said the same thing as your friend though. And in the end, is it really that much of a loss?
your friend sounds like she is a lawyer!! all kidding aside, i am glad you have such honest friends in your life.
You know, just because you and this guy are not in a relationship doesn’t mean the rules of common decency shouldn’t apply here.
I have a “friend-with-benefits”, who I have been with for the last 3 years (off and on; we take a break whenever him or I get into a relationship) and I have trained him. He pulled the same kind of crap on me before: saying he’ll come over and never showing up. After sitting around the whole night waiting for him to show up or at least call or text, I told him everything I thought about him. We are still “together”… well sort of…
My point is - you shouldn’t feel weird about voicing your concerns to him. Afterall, you really got nothing to lose
I just wanted to mention one little thing: Boys are not typically (note: typically) the long-winded email/text/IM type. I mean, granted, I still get kinda pissed when Fiji sends back one word responses that seem thoughtless, but seriously. Boys are just like that sometimes. It’s us ladies that insist on analyzing everything. I am the guiltiest. But if you honestly just want to have fun, don’t expect anything from him. That way, no let-downs. And no let-downs equal FUN! Or not.
Listen to your friend. Seriously. You’re making excuses for a guy who blew you off, you’re trying to convince to just have fun with you, and who still can’t be bothered to text you a sentence or two? It’s a big sea…time to find a better fish!
yeah…classic case of “he’s just not that into you,” which i’m revisiting in light of my own ex’s behavior. i feel for ya, i do.
You are a curious one, homegirl. You should be studied.
funniest story ever - love your friend! right on –!
Great entry. I can totally see my friends air-keyboarding to illustrate their points… Especially when I’m trying to make excuses for men who are so lame they can’t even make decent excuses themselves.
Ok, change your phone number, change your email address, delete all of his contact information. Burn it from your memory. Forget that you ever met. Enter witness protection program. Seek therapy, join a cult, do yoga, get acupuncture,use crystal deoderant, take legal/illegal drugs, drink heavily, drink tea and water…do anything but contact him again.
It pretty much sounds like he sucks at life! But isn’t it silly the way we always think of what we should have said at the time. Why don’t the right words pop into our head at the right time?
Plus, it’s always easier to give advice than it is to take it!
wow…can we have some more man bashing please? First of all it’s the women that play the games and don’t explain what they want…When you say “just want to have some fun” that implies that you don’t really care where the relationship goes…so why should he care about the length of message when he can’t really understand what is in store for him.
Text messaging is about one of the dumbest things ever invented…it is extremely difficult to understand TONE or if the person is really pissed or just playing around…and I’m of the school that - you have a PHONE in your hand, press two buttons and CALL him instead of spending 10 mins frustratedly typing out cryptic messages that are hard to understand!! SCROLL fine name press call button Charming: “hey I’m disapointed you didn’t come over like you said” Boy: “I’m sorry, your right I should have called, but I was swamped at work and I really don’t understand what this is, I didn’t think it was that big a deal you said “just haveing fun, what does that mean?” Charming: “well, I guess it means that I am interested in you, but I’m afraid of being hurt, so I was trying to act aloof and ‘charming’ I’m sorry you didn’t understand my meaning” Boy:”hey, I’m glad you said that, because I was really excited to take you out and treat you right, I wasn’t really into the “just for fun” thing, I thing this could really go somewhere” Charming: “I’m so glad I just called and cleared this up” Boy: ” me too, it’s refreshing when an attractive, intellegent women gives up the games, I hope you didn’t bad mouth me to your friends, because I would like to meet them someday, but first lets go on a nice date” Charming: “That sounds GREAT” Boy: “Ok, Friday? I’ll pick you up, and take you out, we’ll have a great time” Charming: “see you then!”
And that would have been easy! STOP THE GAMES GIRLS!!
LOL - I thought everybody knew that guys just don’t talk much. Or text much, apparently.
maverick- what an amusing imagination you have to write such a pretty little dialogue!
a refreshing reminder to women that although we can’t make men stop playing their games- let alone with their cards on the table, we certainly can choose to play ours elsewhere…or not at all.
Technology has been said to make our lives easier and allowed us to better communicate with the world…but when you stop and think about it, technology often only adds to our problems and increases the chance of having a major misunderstanding. Much can be said for being able to hear the tone of a person’s voice and seeing their body language - two things txting fails miserably at.
You need to keep in mind that guys like to cut to the chase. We say what needs to be said and leave it at that. Whereas women tend to want to go into a lot of detail and analyze stuff. That right there could be the problem, not the fact that he has freakishly large hands that prevent him from typing on his Treo.
I did that same thing for 3 years off and on of course. In the end he was better at not blowing off plans, but it was never what I wanted it to be. I sure did work hard at trying to make it what I wanted it to be though and while I lied to everyone about what my actual intentions were with him I could only lie to myself for so long.
However, being in that sitaution I know that regardless of what anyone tells you, you can’t cut it off as easily as people tell you too.
So, have fun and get all you can out of it without giving too much. Cause when it hurts it sucks and when it is good those good butterflys are never ending.
Good luck!!!
boys are dumb.
having girlfriends who call you out on things are way better to have in your life than dumb boys!!
haha, I agree with your friend. What would we do w/out girlfriends like her?! =)
Now THAT’s what I call a GOOD FRIEND.
Listen to her
x
Cara
i’m with your friend on this one.
Funny post. My wife has a friend who is notorious for sending one-sentence emails, though she expects long ones in return. Ah, the electronic age.
I think I love your friend. She’s awesome!
Hey, just want to give you *kudos* for such a fabulous blog. I’ve been reading it for, like, the past two hours (uh, life? what life?) and have enjoyed your witty writings and relate-able stories. I’m newly single at nearly 26 yrs. of age, so it’s fascinating to read your journey. My blog is not half as exciting as yours, but stop on by anytime ^_^
I completely agree. He doesn’t deserve your time. There are tons of guys like that who are just up for the chase. Don’t let him do that to you.
Oh that hit home. I’ve been on your side of that convo for 2yrs. I think the word we’re looking for here was given to me by my sanityfriend - Deference.
We need a guy to show us that extra step, that extra communication of his interest. However, even the interested ones seem to forget to show it from time to time. That is, in my opinion, why we are so quick to excuse even those who don’t deserve it. Not f*ing cool.
…well, I’m off to reevaluate my situation.
Tag! You’ve been tagged to list 6 facts about yourself…for more info, go to wilasway.blogspot.com!
Happy Monday!
What a great friend! I have a friend like that & she is the BEST! Reality checks are always welcome!!
It was NOT ok for the guy to NOT call when he didn’t come over. I’ve had to deal with this a little & the best solution I found was to not talk to him for a while. Let him come to you. For some reason (at least in my limited experience) guys Love this. When he does come back (and if he has any interest at all, he will) Give him hell!
One word answers via text messages…not soo bad. But he did owe you an apology, so WTF! Hell, he should’ve picked up the damn phone to call and apologize about how his mom was in the hospital and his phone was dead…ect.
You DESERVE better, so Demand Better!!!! If you demand better guys will respect you more, thus treat you better.
Great blog charming…Keep it up. We love ya out here in Cyber space!
Cute.
You know what. Screw women. I’m sorry, but you’re all crazy. Nuff said. You want to keep it casual and stress free? Be casual and don’t stress over it.
Missed you, by the way. Haven’t read in a while. But that’s okay, since you’ve posted on about the same scale as I read.
I would love to live in Maverick’s world- where a guy who isn’t willing to put the time into calling when he won’t show up magically picks up to have a conversation about the status of a non-relationship.
Rewrite-
*Ring*Ring*Ring* Voice mail. Babble everything you want to say, without any feedback or response. Scare the guy who didn’t want to deal with feelings in the first place. Never hear from him again.
Not a bad result, actually.
OMg this must be something with the male species because the guy Im talking to does the SAME thing!!!!!! It is so frustrating to me and your right why stress about it obviously they don’t but I LOVE your friends response she is so right!! LOL
yes, part time mind reader is the only way to go…when your in bed, when you want presents, when you need something done around the house…perfect!
i always give men the benefit of doubt. it always ends up kicking me in the ass. lol
btw, ive read your blog a few times and i love it! your posts are always a fun read
I like your friend. She’s wise.
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