In defense of wanting you to read my mind April 15, 2008
Posted by charmingbutsingle in Dating, General Clumsiness and Related Stupidity, Life, Men, Random Musings on Life, Single Girl Cliches.trackback
Note: I will not pretend that this is as eloquent or full of sense as I’d hoped.
I have heard, once, twice, maybe a thousand times, in discussion of relations between men and women that we (the women) want you (the men) to read our minds. And it drives you crazy.
And you’re correct; sometimes we do want you to read our minds. And you’re not mind readers, or at least most of those of you I’ve met aren’t. But can you really blame us for wanting you to pick on some of the subtleties of our actions or the nuances of what we say?
Yes, straightforward communication is always best. Few people could argue with that. But I think there’s something to be said for a man who picks up on my cues and hints. Who knows when I’m upset, who understands why, who wants to fix it. Maybe women rely too much on intuition at times. Or maybe, at times, men don’t pay it enough mind. It is infinitely reassuring to be understood.
If you stand us up, even for good reason, for example. Maybe you got slammed at work or maybe you fell asleep or maybe you simply just forgot. None of these things makes you a bad person. But reacting as if nothing is wrong or as if we are irrationally upset when you offer meek assurances that it won’t happen again doesn’t soothe our hurt or disappointment.
You see, we don’t just listen to your words. We look at context and body language and intent and read between the lines, even when nothing is there. Even in my most successful moments, when I am most confident, I want to feel wanted. And if you’re not giving me those feelings, I’m looking for a reason why, because I always believe that there is one.
Yes, I may say I’m over it. Maybe I’m saying that for myself because I want to be over it. Maybe I’m saying it for you because I want you to believe it. What man wants a bumbling ball of emotion? (Or if he did, would admit to it?) I want to be someone you want – and you can call that weak if you want, but I think it is mostly just reality talking. (And I don’t think women feel this exclusively.) And I do want you to want me as a strong, independent woman with my own life. But sometimes, when my pride keeps me hiding behind that “strong” façade, I want you to look at me and realize that there is something unsaid in my eyes or my words or my movements. And, dear God, I just want you to respond without me having to ask you to – save me from begging for your attention or affection. Don’t make me ask. (All of the time at least.)
Speaking from my experience, emotions aren’t formulated only through words. They’re found in actions and inaction. In tone and demeanor. And text messaging and technology confuse things – who hasn’t received an e-mail and mistook the author’s mood by their words? When left without context clues, we oftentimes assume the worst.
There is a classic moment in “The Breakup” when Jennifer Anniston’s character yells at Vince Vaughn’s that she “want[s] him to want to do the dishes.” And maybe that sounds insane – as Vince Vaughn says, “Who wants to do dishes?” But the sentiment is clear – she needs actions and proof that he’s fully invested in their relationship, from the exciting parts to the mundane.
In my newly embraced spirit of semi openness, I am not ashamed to admit that I wouldn’t turn down a man who was a part time mind reader. Who heard what I was saying and listened to what I could mean. And not in the “I’m saying no, but mean yes” way. But in the “Yes, I am still annoyed with you and perhaps there is something you can do about” way. In the “I’ll humor you because I believe you are worth it” way. In the “I’ll let you save some face this time because you’ll return the favor next time way.”
I love this! How about instead of wanting a man who can read our mind, just a man willing to pay enough attention not to be oblivious.
I mean, c’mon, that’s like comparing light silver on a scale of black and white.
Great post, I know exactly what you mean.
“I want you to look at me and realize that there is something unsaid in my eyes…”
It’s funny that we have trouble with this sometimes, because we want to feel useful and in control - and it sounds like you want us to be in control. I guess we just miss it sometimes (or, alot).
I wish we could all say this daily.
Ah, volumes could be written on the general problem. Freud’s common issue was after so much study, he had no better idea of ‘what women want.’ Indeed, it works both (all) ways.
But let’s take the simple parts first. The last bits:
“In my newly embraced spirit of semi openness, I am not ashamed to admit that I wouldn’t turn down a man who was a part time mind reader”. Ah C, but I’m willing to bet you have in the past. ‘Mind reading’, that special potion of emotional & social intelligence is not an especially common trait in most guys your age, (or indeed of any age), and is one trait that despite all evidence to the contrary, is hardly encouraged. Not by much anyways. So all those ’subtle clues’ you’ve been throwing out over the years? Probably Lost on your intended audience.
This?
““Yes, I am still annoyed with you and perhaps there is something you can do about” way. In the “I’ll humor you because I believe you are worth it” way. In the “I’ll let you save some face this time because you’ll return the favor next time way.”
Again, mostly lost on the audience you pay most attention to. Let me put in my guess and suggest that this is a continuation of the slow moving drama from a prior engagement mentioned previously here below. The guys that are somehow likely to be prone to ‘pick up’ on all this missed communication are simply Not the guys you’re very much interested in. (Not to worry, this applies to most gals of a similar age usually). Seemingly most of the guys you ARE interested in never pay much attention to this ’stuff’, the missing worlds of interpersonal communication, because they’ve never had any reason to develop these faculties. The typical ‘good looking, tall, dark & handsome’ Brads of campus lore and bar haunts usually need not bother with such subtlety’s, unless or until they are in a longer term relationship. Even then, the ’skill set’ may take years to develop and hone in many blokes. Mostly they’ll ever rely on their conventional ‘good looks’ to ‘pull in the birds’, and that usually does quite well for most of them far into their 30’s or their first divorce, which ever comes first.
The guys who are actually ‘tuned in’ to such things and/or have taken the time to actually sit down, pay attention and actually learn about it, well those are mostly the emotive egg head types that never fare as well in the bar haunts or typical dating scene, especially in small towns. The guys who are not so conventionally ‘handsome or tall or rich’ etc. Why do they sometimes get it with the communication skills? Because they have to. They commonly have to try harder to pick up on all the clues to better their odds in most social situations. Which is one reason why most comics to this day, the really good ones anyways, are just a little bit funny looking. (Some more so than others!) Typically somewhat scrawny, short, or too tall & thin, or too chubby to attract much attention otherwise they diverted their talents towards humor, probably straight away from grade school onwards. These were the AV guys of yore. The guys who were in the band, used to taking direction and hearing subtle clues. The ones easily missed in a crowd of self absorbed jocks, they grew into the listeners. Not that it ever paid much dividends on the dating scene.
So there’s enough frustration to share all around. The non emotive guys who’ll ‘just never get it’ with the interpersonal communication, but still ‘get it’, in terms of attention and the abundant affections of women due principally to their conventional ‘good looks’, but still get beat up for their ‘lack of perception’ in this area. From the women who desire these wonderful looking mountains of dull & quaint inexpressiveness. From the wives who love them despite their general inattention, and fumbling attempts at decent conversation some 20 years hence. And from the fully emotive dweebs & nerds who’ll go on to pen sad angst ridden poetry, staff the writing staffs of dozens of successful TV shows, and write dozens of film scores whereby they revenge their prior selves in HS by getting the gal of their dreams by dint of their sheer wit & kindness & hidden charm alone.
But at the end of the day, typically the gals still pine over the big, ever so cute but inexpressive and inattentive lug, and he smiles so sweetly & dumbly at her and she happily melts into his strong arms. They have a reasonably happy life in the burbs after they marry, and it’s only upon their divorce at say 35-40YO do the women actually come to express any preference for someone who might be able to ‘read their minds’. That’s when they being to pick up Astrology and taking the tabloids seriously too. For the 2nd husband most will then insist in addition to being ‘Rich, tall, thin, handsome, younger, And Emotionally Intelligent’ for the next crop of likely candidates. They might even find an acceptable candidate quickly at such an age. He’ll be wonderful, attractive, thin, in shape, attentive, and share in her fashion sense in addition to being highly emotional intelligent. He’ll be gay of course, but by then it won’t matter much. Conversation and proper fashion will be much more important to them then. The dweebs & nerds who did actually take the time to develop all those ’special interpersonal skills’? Well they’ll do reasonably well in certain industries, and actually excel in a few others. They’ll go on to marry successfully to Guatemalan immigrants working on their Ph D’s , to Indian doctors, to the fellow girl dweebs who run their own businesses, who run the R&D Dept at the big firm in town, who are Profs at the local Uni, or teach in the local schools.
So not to worry, it all works out in the end.
If you get 2 really smart people together, who are actually good at talking and interpersonal communication, their communication can be almost so telepathic, it’s downright scary. It won’t prevent all arguments however. That’s just wishful thinking.
Just some thoughts from the mists of time… Cheers & Good Luck! ‘VJ’
Don’t we all want a man who can read our minds…I know I do, well most of the time anyways. It would definitely prevent a lot of hurt feelings sometimes.
Amen, sister. You are exactly right. There are men out there that can do it some of the time-I dated one and nothing beats having someone who *really* knows you, but they are rare and hard to find-OR I’m just not dating the right kind of men.
I think sometimes men hide behind that so they don’t have to deal with things-like how can you NOT know the bathroom needs to be cleaned and HOW to do it.
This is exactly how we all feel. The problem is..that guys will never understand. Hopefully though we’ll learn to make amends.
Amen.
And in a note to VJ: I don’t think that this phenomenon of non-understanding and mis-interpretation of one another’s intent, needs, and desires has anything whatsoever to do with the age of the participants. Just my opinion.
Fair enough. I think the right guy will make the effort to meet you halfway on the communication thing- to try to pick up on what you want, what you’re insinuating, try to figure out if you’re mad at him, and if he can’t, make an effort to flat out ask what he did wrong and what he can do to fix it. The wrong guy never will.
I have spent frustrating nights trying to figure out why every signal I threw out to one particular guy went seemingly ignored. It was a painful lesson to learn that he actually just didn’t care one way or another. I was there for a good time when he needed it, but beyond that, he didn’t care about me enough to reciprocally communicate like a respectful adult. For you, it’s just a matter of accepting this as a truth, and moving on.
P.S.- I think this is what VJ was saying- that with the right person, it will just fall into place and you’ll both make equal effort, but holy cow- he wrote a book to get to his point
(j/k VJ, but you do need to get yourself a blog already).
This post is actually very eloquent
if you can breed these half mind reading men? sign me up for one when they’re ready to take home : )
We are attracted to what we lack in ourselves. I women who isn’t emotional isn’t a women (not saying basket case now). That being said guys are not that intuned with their emotions. We love to help and fix, but we do need information. However from my own experiences most women usually don’t want a fix, but just for the guy to listen and empathize.
I still say that all of this is a sad result of too much Disney as children. Relationships are already so difficult, as anything where emotions get all tied up is. If you want a man to ever be able to see what you have left unsaid, then you need to spend a great deal of time up front saying everything you mean. How else will he ever learn and understand?
Listen, I’m a woman too. It’s not that I don’t understand where you’re coming from. But it’s too much to expect from anyone. Women get this wrong all the time too. Why not just simplify with honesty and straightforwardness? If you lay it out up front, eventually anyone who cares (man or woman alike) will learn enough to be able to pick up what you need. But you can’t expect them to do that unless you take the time to let them learn you. Unless you are willing to tell them what you need first. And that requires the straightforward and the honest.
I’m sorry. I know it’s not what you’d like to hear. But it’s true. And every single relationship (family, friends, and significant others) of mine has improved since I got a grasp on this.
Sometimes men need to be shown how to communicate in your ‘language’….as we can’t read minds, let alone be expressive about it.
I’ve actually written on this a bit (included a link if you are interested), but here was the gist….”Women want to be heard AND understood. Often times we as men are the “problem solvers” and we get caught up in the solution, and we completely miss the reasons why women tell us things, it isn’t because they can’t solve the problem, it is because they want to be heard, and they want to be understood. Men forget that sometimes a woman needs more than just someone to kill bugs and lift heavy objects. There will be plenty of time to kill bugs and lift heavy objects, but sometimes they just want to talk. (I know…but it a necessary evil.”
What every man should know by the time they reach adulthood (part 2)
Absolutely. I don’t think the frustration with the whole “mind reading” thing comes from us not communicating something, but in our disappointment from the offender’s lack of action/ response after we’ve done so.
It sucks because we know what we want them to do and are willing them with every bone in our bodies to do it, but then they don’t. It’s more hurtful than the orignial offense, and makes us feel worse for sticking around in spite of not getting what we need.
I think communication can only take us so far because at some point, the other person has to make up their mind about what to do about what you’ve said, just as you do.
LOVE this post. I think the complaint about the whole mind-reading business comes down to a difference in communication styles. It’s true…most women are better at picking up nonverbal cues, in my experience, than men. And it’s absolutely fair of you to want a guy who “gets” you and can tell what you’re feeling without you specifically verbalizing it. Or at least notice that something’s wrong and be willing to discuss it, rather than ignore it. (BTW, I’ve been reading you for a loooong time, but I think this is my first comment! What took me so long? I dunno, really, but I love your blog!)
You are SPOT ON!!
If you want him to “read your mind” you’re going to have to teach him what your body/txt language means. The two of you haven’t been together long (or not together..whichever
) and he hasn’t had time to realize that your “ok whatever”s are “you better be sorry”s. For now…if he doesn’t seem to get it…write back something like “I am being sarcastic!!” or “do you seriously think I would be okay with this?” what do you have to lose?
Or they at least have to listen, really listen…
I don’t think we want men to read our minds per say (I know I don’t) I just want him to be more in tune with me. I need him to notice things on his own not me throw hints at him like darts at a board.
Girls you may not believe this but guys want that same thing…When we are watching the game…we just want to watch, and not have to explain everything… we might just want to play XBOX and not have to worry about “picking up signals” and And really the folded towels will get put away during the next comercial… I know that these are sterotype guy things… but We just want you to “get us” also, just understand that… that’s why when talking to buddies we say things like…”man, she’s nagging me today” the female version would be this post. NOW I completely understand that a women hearing a guy say “Nagging” would get upset or not be very happy…but when a guy hears a women say… “how come he can’t read my mind?” - same deal.
I do agree with One Date Wonder- These types of things take TIME a relationship needs to grow in order for us to understand each others moods, and body language. I know we both, men and women, want to rush these things and that is a major problem…I know I do it, and I know girls I’ve dated have done it before and that’s just not good. let it get comfortable before we fly off the handle and start questioning every little nonspoken thing or precieved slight. And lets all start saying what we want and mean. Deal?
wow I feel like you have been following me around this whole weekend lol Ive been having the same issues and it’s just soo true!!!
Maverick- I’m always interested in your point of view, but your link is to a non-existent blog. I enjoy the straightforward male point of view as much as the female. Where can I find what you have to say?
Heh, I wish I could read minds. I wish I knew when I say “what’s wrong?” and the response is “oh, nothing” whether it’s really nothing, or it’s really “I want you to ask more”. I wish I knew exactly when I’m allowed to show what I feel and when I’m not. I wish it weren’t all so damn complex.
Course, it’s been like that for a few thousand years, so I don’t suspect it’ll change any time soon…
I must say, I have found men to be rather simple creatures. It’s true that as women we don’t want to have to tell a man every SINGLE thing. But I do think with training ( I know this makes them sound like puppies) a man will start to pick up on the things that make you happy.
In your particular situation, the guy stood you up and doesn’t seem to know why this upset you. Why put up with that behavior? Obviously this guy has no home training, or else he would have apologized and found a way to make it up to you-showing that he is really sorry. He’s not going to read your mind, and he apparently isn’t to great at subtle hints either.
I found that my main issue when getting into a new relationship was a fear of showing any emotion. In the dating scene it’s very easy to turn someone off when you ask “What are you thinking?” “How are you feeling?” I know from past experience that the response from a guy would be to turn heel and run…then claim you were “Clingy” or “Emotional”. I think a lot of women are trying to turn that part of them off but at the same time crave to know what is going on. Of course men that pull this card are really not worth it and probably aren’t looking for a long term relationship…or else just needed a good excuse to get out. I think that any man (or woman for the opposite side of things) that actually validates your feelings and doesn’t get scared when you do get emotional or *gasp* want to know where things are going has got the right idea. The trick is just retraining our selves to know that it is okay to show emotions and ask questions…then we won’t have to worry about our men (or women) reading our minds.
ahh I got a good laugh from reading the 5th comment from VJ I have to say
Don’t we get great insight from people who don’t completely agree with us? They always have something new to bring to the pot! If you want a handsome dude with the sensitivity of a gay comedian, try a guy who spent several years married to a lesbian, it’s very humbling (that’s what I did) :))
But again, I always have to believe we can get it all… and I always try.
this is one of those things i want to hold on to and read to my future sons some day.
lovely post.
Partly to stir up the pot, and partly because I’d genuinely love your take on this, I’ll offer up this article:
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry
She makes many valid - if heartless - points, but they’re really only valid if you grant her the starting point that getting married is a valid goal in and of itself rather than the goal being having a good marriage with someone you actually love.
you are a genius. I was trying to explain some of this to my boyfriend the other week, in particular, this bit…
“But sometimes, when my pride keeps me hiding behind that “strong” façade, I want you to look at me and realize that there is something unsaid in my eyes or my words or my movements. And, dear God, I just want you to respond without me having to ask you to – save me from begging for your attention or affection. Don’t make me ask. (All of the time at least.)”
and he just sat there and stared at me like I was from another planet.
so now I’m going to make him read this and see if you can make him understand what I was trying to say.
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WoW I love it it did make me laugh! It’s all so true but if pushed too far can destroy relationships. Expecting men to be what their not and then punishing them for it will only hurt you. If you have a man thats not intuative and that’s what you want, why did you choose him? Know whats critical for you to have in a relationship is the key.
This is all about assumptions and they are dangerous before you know it 2+2 = 73 and your spliting up. He did love you but he broke the rules you set up and he didn’t know they even existed.
Tell him, communicate, communicate, communicate, misunderstanding are the most common reason for a couple to split up! believe me I see it every day!
Having said all that I loved the post. More men should read it!
Men are very different, and I think that while you recognize this, you have to realize that it doesn’t mean that we are all evil you know. Women have to take some of the responsibility and let us men know what you want at times, it goes a little deeper than being a mind reader.
Having an open relationship that allows for communication both ways is the most important part of having any relationship at all.
Communication language and understanding are huge issues. Here & everywhere. In every relationship. Much can be missing from written communication, which is why if it’s Very important, about any topic and for any relationship, most will prefer and insist to do this ‘face to face’. Or at the very least by phone if this meeting is not possible. But even this can not adequately convey all that might be happening and ‘going wrong’ with interpersonal communication. Indeed it’s Not that 2+2 Can =73, but that sometimes 2+2= Apple. Or ‘Come Forward’. Or ‘Fire’! Or ‘danger’! There’s actually whole interdisciplinary University Dept’s trying to figure some of this stuff out.
So make it easy for yourself & others. When it really matters, do try harder. Try and be as precise as possible. Describe what you want or desire in as exact or precise terms and descriptors as possible. And as simply and directly as you can or are able and even dare to. Sometimes there’s no real reason or cause for subtlety where simple directness might not only suffice, but be preferable for any manner of good reasons.
And always remember, it really depends on the context when and where ‘2+2 Can =4′. Of Course Rarely is the question Strictly mathematical BTW. We all know that. This is a proxy for certain personal realities. These can be shared, and happily many are. But sometimes, they’re not. It will be of interest to everyone concerned when & where they might differ in their understandings in these various contexts. Cheers & Good Luck! ‘VJ’
ah, yes… exactly!
I more took your post to be that your sick of feeling like you’re “too emotional” when you get pissed at guys for doing things like standing you up. And you don’t like sounding like a harpy, but you feel like bitching him out. I think it’s not really mind reading you’re looking for, but a guy who cares enough to grovel when he pulls a rude move like standing you up. I think it’s a realistic goal, and you shouldn’t have to compromise.
I wish it was as simple as ‘cute men don’t listen, geeky men do’. That is not always the case. Men have this tendency to ignore details, and it can probably be proven scientifically. Their brains are structured differently. That’s why they miss the throwing of the head, the snappy remarks or the angry tone. Still, it doesn’t mean that they can’t listen, their efforts have to be doubled than required of women. And sometimes they just find it too hard, they just give up and pretend to listen and agree to everything you say.
I agree that communication is key, but when you’re angry, it’s like fueling the fire if you have to explain why you’re mad.
Now, wanting to wash dishes is another thing…
Girl, I know what you mean! But I feel like when you say, “I want you to read my mind to know what I’m really feeling” what you really mean is “I want you to care what I’m really feeling.” I think that’s the real issue here. When a dude cares about you, he’s going to pick up on a lot more subtleties. He’s going to care whether or not you’re still upset. He’s going to care what you really think. When a dude isn’t all that into you, he’s not going to waste his time trying to read between the lines.