The love you don’t feel when you’re holding me April 27, 2008
Posted by charmingbutsingle in Dating, General Clumsiness and Related Stupidity, I will never ever actually admit to this ever, Men, Sad but true, Single Girl Cliches, We Get It -- You're Stressed About Getting Old, Weekend Updates, Why I Write.trackback
Note from CBS: Writing this was incredibly painful. And I debated posting it and turning comments off because I alternate between feeling completely broken and completely pathetic. It is ridiculously long (almost 1800 words) and I don’t even care.
Saturday was a ho-hum sort of day. I ran some errands and relaxed after a long week. A bit of rain in the afternoon was enough to send me nesting under blankets with bad television to keep me company. I’ve been working more than 12 hours each day – here’s to getting the job you always wanted, warts and all – and had neither the energy nor patience to deal with the outside world on Saturday night.
Late in the evening He sent me a text. He was out drinking and looking to misbehave after he left the bar. I decided some nighttime company would suit me just fine. I met him at the door in a red nightgown with thin pink straps, a glass of wine in one hand (for me) and a beer in the other (for him). He wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me in for a kiss.
“I can’t believe you met me at the door with a beer.”
“You said you wanted to keep me company. So let’s have a drink.”
We curled up on the couch, and he started talking about putting the house he and his ex bought together on the market, telling me I should go check it out. I protested since his ex is the agent and he recanted, saying that she would know it was me and it wouldn’t be good.
“She knew I was dating a [Charming],” he said.
“She knew about me?”
“Yes, back when we originally dated she knew about you.”
“I didn’t know about her.”
He paused, realizing that I was one of the women in his harem who hadn’t known I was just one of many. I could see the wheels turning in his head as I questioned him and moved my body away from his, until I was tucked in right next to the arm of the couch, as far from him as I could be on this piece of furniture.
“This all is just such a [Charming] thing to say,” he said when I asked him about dumping me by not calling a few weeks before he knew I was having surgery.
“What does that mean?”
“You never stop thinking. It’s just so [Charming].”
He leaned toward me and wrapped an arm around my waist, pulling me out of a tight ball of legs and nightgown.
“I should hate you,” I protested, as my body unfolded under his.
“I know you should,” he said, pressing his chest on top of mine and burying his head in my neck. My mind was racing, debating if I should push him off of me or just relax, stop harboring feelings from two years ago and go along with the physical relationship we’d started anew. He knew I was grumpy and that bringing up the woman he dumped me for wasn’t the best move. Not having words to allay my grumpiness, he pulled out all of the stops otherwise until I was literally putty in his hands, short of breath and placated.
And then something happened.
We were in my bed and I was underneath him, asking for him to hold me. He slid his hands beneath my back and cupped his fingers around my shoulders. I could feel my face flush and the beginnings of tears fill my eyes, which I squeezed tight. But as the tears piled up and I could no longer keep them in, I reached up with my hands to wipe my face and shield my eyes from him.
“Don’t cover your face like that,” he said, pushing his chest up from mine to look down at me.
But I pressed my fingers hard against my eyelids.
“Look me in the eyes. Look at me,” he breathed. “You have such beautiful crystal blue eyes.”
I let out a breathy no and he clutched my wrists and pulled my hands from my face and down on either side of my head.
“Look at me,” he said. And then he paused. “Are you crying?”
That was all it took and my tears broke through the invisible dam and ran down my cheeks.
I stammered that I was fine and he seemed to pause in place, unsure of what to do.
“Please, I’ll be fine in a minute. Just stay with me like this.”
“Why are you crying?” he asked, calmly. “Am I hurting you?”
I continued to repeat over and over again that I was fine and that I didn’t know why I was crying. He said that I obviously wasn’t. I begged him to just ignore it, to keep going, to be with me. He obeyed at first, listening to my reasoning that I would calm down. But when I didn’t he protested that he was hurting me and he just couldn’t hurt me anymore.
“I’m not crying because I don’t want to be with you,” I said.
“You’re crying because you do,” he said, his voice soft and fading.
And I just buried my face in his chest and sobbed. And he rolled off of me and I turned away from him because I was sobbing. He pressed his body against my back and wrapped his arms around me and held me so I couldn’t pull away.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I can’t give you want you want.”
He must’ve repeated it a million times in my ear. It became his mantra as he rocked me and held me tightly. My responses were incoherent or inconsequential or both. Never have I felt so raw and vulnerable and pathetic and desperate and alone. I wasn’t just crying for him. I was crying for every man who ever left, who ever lied, who ever didn’t want me, who passed the time with me even though he didn’t care about me. I cried for the college girl who drank and kissed too much to cover her pain. I cried for the adult woman who couldn’t trust men.
I cried because I’m 28 and feel too old to be wasting time with the wrong man. I cried because I wanted it to mean something. And because it never had. And because I was scared to let it. I cried because I didn’t know how I’d ended up here and because all of my friends were right when they warned that this casual fling was a bad idea.
“I’m sorry you couldn’t handle this,” he said. “And I’m so sorry I hurt you.”
“I’m not some innocent victim here. I’m an adult and I knew I was doing.”
“But I’ve been in your shoes and I know the signs and I should have seen them.”
“I feel like even when we dated the first time, I always liked you more, always wanted to be with you more, always tried more,” I said.
And then. Oh, and then.
“Look, you’re intelligent and funny and I love your company and talking to you,” he said. “But, you know, you just weren’t it and I knew that all along.”
He stammered over the last part. And as much as it hurt to hear and as ashamed as I was, I finally got the break up speech he never bothered to deliver two years ago. And for better or for worse, I finally knew.
He held onto me for a little longer and continued apologizing and stroking my back. I was struck by how calm he was. He said he was upset and hurt and taken aback. And I’m sure he was – no matter how horrible he was to me, he didn’t deserve my mid-coitus emotional breakdown. He just never seemed to show it. He gave me this pained, pitiful look, which I’ve seen only once before, on the face of the only other guy whose face I ever cried to. Both faces bore the same, “Oh God, I made a woman cry” emotion. Neither reflected the pain that I’d expect to see from someone who made a woman they cared about cry.
We got dressed and as he was getting ready to leave, I sat on the back of my couch in my nightgown. He walked over to give me a hug and I pulled him in for a kiss.
“I don’t think this is a good idea.”
“Just one,” I pleaded.
And I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and tugged his hair with my fingers and pulled his body into mine. I could feel his body respond to me and his breath shorten. He pulled away twice but came back to kiss me.
The third time, he stopped me and told me no, that we weren’t doing this, that he wasn’t going to keep on hurting me.
“I’m going to disappear for awhile,” he said. “But I would like to be your friend.”
I bit my lip. And he grabbed my hands and pushed them to my sides and held them there so I couldn’t hold him. And he kissed me deeply and forcefully. And then he pulled away.
He couldn’t look me in the eye as he said, “If I don’t talk to you again, I hope you have a good life.”
And then he was gone. I collapsed on my bed in my cute red nightgown and pulled my knees into my chest and cried because I’d been willing to settle for a guy who I knew wasn’t right, who I would never introduce to my family and friends. Even he didn’t want me.
I felt alone and unloved. So I did what people who feel alone and unloved do: I cried some more. Until I was choking on my sobs. Until I couldn’t make any tears. Until I passed out from the exhaustion of being so vulnerable, so melodramatic, so emotional.
When I woke up Sunday morning, my eyes were almost completely swollen shut. I took a shower, put on a face masque to soothe my skin and warm tea bags over my swollen eyelids. As I washed my face and blew out my hair without any products or flat irons or round brushes, I stopped and stared in the mirror and my splotchy, swollen face. And I saw my big crystal blue eyes. I wondered who the next person who would gaze into those eyes under bedroom light would be.
As I shook my head, my unruly waves bounced and I decided that, for now, I just needed to worry about figuring out once and for all what was wrong behind those eyes.
I hope there’s a smile in those crystal blue eyes of yours soon, my dear. Consider this a virtual hug of sorts, and take care.
Kisses,
Em xoxo
I really don’t know what to say, sweetie. Except that I could relate to everything you mentioned in this post, because I’ve been there. I’ve resorted to cute nightgowns and such to keep guys I thought could be ‘the one’ around longer.
“Pulled my knees into my chest and cried because I’d been willing to settle for a guy who I knew wasn’t right, who I would never introduce to my family and friends. Even he didn’t want me.
I’ve had this same moment after every break-up I’ve had.
Here’s to stopping the tears and finding the Ones who WILL want us - crystal blue (and in my case, warm brown) eyes and all
Been there, done that…. What’s the other part? Oh yea, got the t-shirt! Mourn this, grieve for all those other times and then let it go. I know that you’ll land on your feet!
This was/is me - four days ago. I have nothing to say, except that you’re not alone, and that somehow it doesn’t make it better except that there are better people out there for you. Really really. Keep moving, keep walking, keep doing, and one day you’ll wake up and feel better. It doesn’t help to say that (I know), but I also like to hear that I’m not alone; that there are lots of men like this, and that maybe next time I’ll stop it before I’m crying in his arms.
Wow, this could be me too. It’s so hard to not settle - to just take whoever comes along just because he’s nice and despite the fact that I’m not madly in love. But I don’t want to be alone forever, and the older I get (I’m 35) the more I start questioning what’s important: love/passion, or friendship? Is living without some grand passion better than simply being alone? I wish I knew the answer to that question. Waiting until I find it all might mean that I’m waiting forever and I’m tired of being alone.
That was such a open honest and such a raw post. I’m sure there were tears flowing while you were writing this as well.
When you said “I cried because I’m 28 and feel too old to be wasting time with the wrong man. I cried because I wanted it to mean something. And because it never had. And because I was scared to let it.” It was like I was looking into the mirror.
I’m sorry you had to go through this and I hope you feel better. Thank you for sharing.
I’ve gone through the same thing…
it’s terrible and there’s nothing anyone can say to make a girl feel better in this situation.
just live life for you. forget men for a while. do things YOU really love, aside from your work. I’m sure you already do this, or already know what you love and who you are, of course. but, just in case, just enjoy yourself for a while.
I love your blog and I read it all the time. Have a good night, lady.
I’ve never wanted to hug someone around the internet so badly! I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but I also have to say, GOOD FOR YOU. GOOD FOR YOU for having the courage to finally have that conversation from him, to really listen to it and to let him walk away.
You deserve someone fantastic - just as you are. Take care of yourself - and someday, someday, you’ll find a fantastic someone who will love those crystal blue eyes as he should.
Wow!
I am very touched by your post!
Life has a strange way of showing us our journey.
Heal and love yourself! Heart break does heal.
Sometimes the hardest things that happen to us are the most important ones in shaping who we will become. You are strong, beautiful, intelligent woman, you will find a man that not only loves you for what you are, but who appreciates and deserves you as well. Hang in there, do some soul searching, focus on yourself, heal, and then go back out there, he’s there waiting for you.
Wow. Thanks for sharing.
I really hope you find some peace & answers after this - you certainly deserve it.
Well, CBS. Life is tough and so are you. I wish I could be there to convince you, but it’s something you have to convince yourself of before anyone else can. Every future happiness will be magnified by the pain now, though. Have faith. You’re definitely worth the effort, you just need to believe it for yourself first.
Your post strikes a chord. I’m also 28, and was recently dumped via email by a man that I dated for a year and thought was finally “the one”. Yesterday, I put another man on a plane back to England, where he returned to his wife and 2-yr-old daughter. Yes, he’s a cheater, and I’ve facilitated it. The things we do because we just want to be loved are not pretty. Even though he’s a cheater, he still choses them over me, every day.
It hurts. And it doesn’t help to hear that you are intelligent, driven, amazing, and that YOUR DAY WILL COME. I do have a life, a good one, and I am fully capable of living on my own, thank you very much. But I want someone to share it with, at the end of the day. It brings me to tears daily, and very few people get it.
I understand, Charming. I really do. You are not alone.
My heart goes out to you, my dear friend.
Nearly a year ago a girl I fell for, hard, decided to break things off because she had seen me only as “that” kind of friend. I can’t say I cried for days, as we guys are taught at a young age that that’s not what we do, but it hurt like the devil on the inside.
You will know when you’ve found the right one, and he will know when he’s found you. And I’ve read your thoughts and exchanged conversations with you long enough to know that he does exist.
And if you don’t want to believe that for a while, that’s okay too. We’ll all just have to believe it for you.
I’m sorry for all of your pain, but I am happy you finally got some honesty out of this guy, and hopefully, some definite closure as well. Take care of yourself and good luck on your journey of figuring out your heart and soul. You deserve to take as much time as you need.
I’m so sorry you had to go through this. It’s hard. I managed to spend six years with someone, knowing he wasn’t “the one” and that it wouldn’t last, but terrified of letting go because he had me convinced there would never be anything better out there. Come to think of it, I was 28 at the time I finally left. Your post brought tears to my eyes because it’s so hard to leave, even when you know you need to.
Life got a lot better when I did things I needed to do for a while.
Good luck. I know you don’t know me, but feel free to email if you ever want someone to talk to.
All I can say is, you knew what you were getting into… back to the the belief of women who think they can change men… they can’t… in this case you think you’ll change him by doing what, degrading yourself, resulting to cute nightgowns… bribing him with sex?? It’s just plain stupid.
Women have intuitions, they usually know when the men they like, like them back or not (or just want them for sex), so in this case I’m pretty sure your guts were telling you the truth, but you’re so far back living in Denial Land to actually think he’ll be falling head over heels for you.
You could’ve spared yourself the “Look, you’re intelligent and funny and I love your company and talking to you,” he said. “But, you know, you just weren’t it and I knew that all along.” speech, but it makes me mad that you even gave him an opportunity to say things like that…
And please, you pleaded for a kiss??? If it was me, I would’ve kicked him out when he mentioned other women at your presence.
Life doesn’t need men. From the posts I gather from you, you always seem to need men in your life. Somehow you want to give us readers vibes that you’re hip and single and enjoying life and you don’t need men, but the truth is, you DO need men. You need them so bad, you’ve resulted to flings!!
Stop looking for men and live life in solitude. When it’s meant to be, it’ll happen. Otherwise you’ll meet with this types of sticky situations forever. Learn from your mistakes.
I’ve been reading your blog for a while now and I can tell that you are a smart, strong, and courageous woman. I have been in the exact same situation that you described so very well. I know it hurts like hell right now. And I am here to tell you that you WILL make it through, things WILL get better, and you WILL come to realize that you are worth SO MUCH MORE than this. Don’t beat yourself up, be kind to yourself, and look forward to the day when this will be nothing but a memory. Big hugs to you.
Behind those big crystal blue eyes is your own divinity - acknowledge it and celebrate it.
I applaud your courage in sharing your vulnerability. I was in the same situation a year ago - it shooked my fundamental belief systems. You may not feel better tomorrow or the day after but believe me, one day you will - it took me almost a year.
“Om Namah Shivaya - I honor the divinity that resides within me”
It can suck for guys too, as we also put ourselves in poor positions over and over again. The pain came through in your writing, but hopefully you can learn something from this. It won’t make it hurt less at the moment, but hopefully it will help you hurt less down the road. Best of luck. -TR
I think writing this post is by far one of the bravest and most honest things you have ever done with this blog.
I had to write that down because after reading a comment like Caroline’s I really wanted to smack her in the face and tell her not to be so judgmental. It is a blog, and you are writing down feelings that everyone has but they are simply afraid to admit.
I admire you for admitting them, even if sometimes its not something we all want to hear. And you do deserve better. We all do.
Thanks for the post C. As painful as it was to write, I’m certain it will help others cope with their own battles.
Now to take accounts of the remains of the day. Carnage it wasn’t but it’s never pretty. Give him credit for one thing though, he’s smooth. He’s obviously done this before, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I can’t give you want you want.”?? Geez that sounds a bit practiced. If not in exact form, in sentiment. So he’s a smooth talking good looking player. Plenty of folks have been there. Again it’s usually miserable. ““But, you know, you just weren’t it and I knew that all along.” Yeah that hurts. Deep. And it’s a really clear indication of the real bottom line here for him. Despite your history. Despite his obvious double dealing and just sailing past any and all questions you may have had for him and about that history. He knew the score. He knew what he wanted and how to apply just enough English to get it done.
And Please. Everyone. When this happens when you cry during serious & intimate moments? “He held onto me for a little longer and continued apologizing and stroking my back. I was struck by how calm he was…. He just never seemed to show it. He gave me this pained, pitiful look, which I’ve seen only once before, on the face of the only other guy whose face I ever cried to. Both faces bore the same, “Oh God, I made a woman cry” emotion. Neither reflected the pain that I’d expect to see from someone who made a woman they cared about cry.” RUN. Don’t walk away.
It’s just not a very compassionate, real warm human response. It’s someone saying in a sense ‘I’m almost willing to tolerate your pain to serve my needs, but if I have to look at it in the face, and actually SEE it, well then…I must be going now!’ This is not the act of a lover, nor a friend. A fling? Perhaps. But certainly not a friend. Not a true friend.
Many people can relate to this. “I cried because I’m 28 and feel too old to be wasting time with the wrong man. I cried because I wanted it to mean something. And because it never had. And because I was scared to let it”. This is true. It’s as true at 17 as it might be for 70 too. And it’s also just too much to expect from a clear ‘booty call’.
So Yes, “…all of my friends were right when they warned that this casual fling was a bad idea.” Especially with anyone you have a particularly unpleasant history with. Or a thorny unresolved one. Yes, we all know that this may obviously preclude & otherwise forestall many, Many opportunities for good, simple or even wild & Great sex. And most of us Still know that as painful as that may seem, it’s still the right choice in the end.
Because it’s not love. It may be a perfectly adequate short term ersatz substitute for love on occasion. But much of the time this is just illusion & delusion. Self delusion or otherwise. And that’s the point here, and the title of the post, right?
So from bad endings there’s always the possibilities of new beginnings. There’s always some hope for learning & the knowledge of experience to recover from our painful regrets.
There’s simple language of logic you can also apply to everyday life.
This? “I’m going to disappear for awhile,” he said. “But I would like to be your friend.” Is obviously incompatible with the next statement:
“If I don’t talk to you again, I hope you have a good life.” Yes. Quite.
So what might be learned at the most basic simple animal model? Want someone who Wants you. Who’s capable of being hurt & genuinely remorseful when you’re seemingly hurt & hurting. Yes, you can find this in most dogs, and in many other animals. Which is why the unconditional love there is never to be underestimated.
And this being a famous VJ all too long post, we’ve got some applicable 900 Year Old advice on the ‘Rules of Love’. Go to Replica Print makers:[Allen Ye Printmakers]:
[http://www.replicaprints.com/home.html]. Search in their catalog under ‘Love’ then for the Print; ‘The Rules of Love’. It’s gathered from various 12century manuscripts; “Compiled from various 12th century treatises on the proper manner of courtly romance including Capellanus’ De Arte Honesti Amandi and Marie de France’s Equitan.” Among these well regarded Rules were & are: ‘Love can not deny anything to Love’ and ‘It is Unseemly to Love anyone whom you would be ashamed to marry’.
Again, this has probably little to do with ‘trusting men’, (most wise Men simply Don’t). It has much to do with trusting the right man.
So it’s almost like recovering some long lost Cajun wisdom there. I’m sure there’s a Justin Wilson story in there too, just waiting to get out.
As always, Cheers & Good Luck! ‘VJ’
“I collapsed on my bed in my cute red nightgown and pulled my knees into my chest and cried because I’d been willing to settle for a guy who I knew wasn’t right, who I would never introduce to my family and friends. Even he didn’t want me.”
I don’t know if this will come out right or help you in any way, but in my eyes the only thing worse than being rejected by someone you know isn’t right to begin with, is to have them love you and you stay with them b/c you think it’s your only choice. I’ve seen it happen so many times. I know it sucks and hurts and is awful, but it’s better to be free from someone like that.
Oh hon, I’m so sorry. I know how it feels to be crying and watching a man you care(d) about so deeply look at you back with pitying eyes and guilt, but without even an urge to soothe and comfort.
I hope things get better for you soon. xoxo
OMG, I’m so sorry! I’ve been there, I am there. Thank you for sharing that I don’t feel so alone.
I don’t believe there’s a woman alive who doesn’t understand exactly what you’re saying when they read this. I’d hug you if I could.
Since I can’t, I prescribe nights out with the girls, booze, and chocolate. It’s the best advice a stranger can give right now.
Wow. I’m new to your blog but I’m very touched by this post. I have to echo what everyone else is saying: we have all been exactly there. One thing I disagree with though, is that I think he completely deserved your “mid-coitus emotional breakdown.” If he knew he wasn’t going to give you what you deserve (and you do!) then he had no business being in your bed, whether he was invited or not. I’d say he got off pretty easy.
I think One Date Wonder had just the right prescription. And good luck. There are WAY better men out there and you will find one.
I think we have all been there… and its a simply horrible feeling… the good news, it does pass…. sometimes it takes awhile, and there are moments I still feel tinges of pain even though my situation was months ago, but it will pass! ** HUGS **
We have all been there. And none of us wants to see another person go through it. You are special and your time will come. (Hugs)
It was brave of you to post this, and not easy I’m sure. Now pick up the pieces, and get to the business of moving on. Good luck. There are lessons to be learned here (as you know). It’s never easy letting go of someone, even when you knew they were wrong for you. I sympathize. Take care of yourself.
I’m a new reader to your blog and I must say this entry really hit home. I completely relate because I went through the same thing last year. I have since begun the process of living for myself and no one else. It takes time to move on and learn how to let go- especially when you see the life you want and its not yours but some other girls. Don’t be too hard on yourself but understand that in order to find that “one” you have to let go of all those “possibly, maybe and could be’s”
Thank you for sharing. I know it was hard.
xanax.
lots of xanax.
sorry to hear all of this. same as everyone else, i can empathize. unfortunately. hope you’re feeling a little more up soon.
It’s funny how when you pour your heart out and leave yourself vulnerable that you end up having that one person (Caroline) go and try to make you feel even worse. There’s nothing like kicking a person when they are down…I do hope it made her feel a little more superior after telling you what you SHOULD have done, and how dare you have made a mistake. No sympathy for you!
I do hope you ignore such silliness and listen to the people who actually have some compassion for you. My heart broke just a little bit for you after reading this post…but I think in most ways it is a good thing and that hopefully now you can pick up your love life and move towards finding someone that will cherish you.
Best of luck C!
You are an incredibly powerful writer…thank you for sharing that.
I can only imagine how difficult this was to write. And I see I’m not the first to offer this sentiment, but really…. you are NOT alone.
I doubt there is even ONE single woman in her late 20s who *hasn’t* been here, hasn’t wondered what’s wrong, hasn’t retrospectively questioned the motives of every man who has graced her bed–or her heart–with his presence.
Small consolation for the walking wounded, I know. But try to take comfort that no matter how lonely you may feel, you are by no means alone.
Wow. What an unbelievebly open and honest post. I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been to write. Thanks for sharing and please know that no matter how lonely you are, you are NOT alone.
I’ve been ’skulking’?? on your blog for about a year now I guess, when my girlfriend told me about how honest and fantastic your posts are… and I must say that as corny as it sounds, i’ve learned a lot from you. So please never doubt posting.
I think there are enough comments on here to hopefully help you see that woman the world over have been in the same place, made the same ‘mistakes’, you don’t need me to comiserate(sp?) as well.
What I really wanted to say is that I firmly believe that you get something out of every relationship. Perhaps he wasn’t ‘the one’, perhaps he wasn’t particularily good for you, perhaps all your friends despised him… but if you were with him, you were obviously getting something you needed, something positive out of it, even something small (besides the physical), so you can’t regret the whole thing.
All I know is that if you are in a situation where you are literally being governed by pure emotion, pure instincts and reactions, and your ‘fight or flight’ still wasn’t kicking in- then you didn’t do the wrong thing. Afterwards you may have wished you booted him out, or never started the whole thing… but then you’d be a different person today, who wouldn’t have the answers you have now.
Maybe what you needed from him was the closure, to push him to that edge and see just how far he would go, or if he’d come back…
The last thing is that as humans we go through highs and lows… we have to, for comparisons sake-if we didn’t have these truly horrible, anguish-filled moments, how would we know when we reach the truly magnificent ones? life would be so boring if everything was safe and in the middle.
I’m so sorry that you had to go through this, but do know that you will be able to look back on this one day & see it for the learning experience it is - sans tears. It does get better - sometimes when you least expect it.
Oh, dear. I’ve totally been there. Maybe not in the exact same situation, but in the emotional breakdown, the sobbing until you can’t breathe, the swollen eyes and breaken heart…and it sucks, to put it mildly. But the only thing you can do is pick yourself up and move on, hopefully having learned something. That probably sounds SO trite and ridiculous right now, while you’re still hurting, but eventually you’ll bounce back. And it sounds like at least you’ve got some closure with the guy. You definitely deserve so much better, and I genuinely wish you the best in finding someone perfect for you.
I wish I had some words of wisdom to make you magically feel better but unfortunately I myself have fallen victim to my own past choices and have cried many tears for hopes diminished by reality. My best advice is to look at this as the closure you so needed a year ago. From what I read in your blog, you are a wonderful person and deserve someone who can say that without a ‘but’ afterwards. Remember “Never make someone a priority that considers you an option”… You deserve better than that.
I’m a little teary-eyed. Beautiful, beautiful read.
You know, I can relate. The hardest breakup I ever had was the worst relationship I ever had, the one where I knew the other person was no good for me, I knew they were cheating on me, I knew I was being used to fill in the time. I beat myself up over, “If someone like this doesn’t want me, who will?” No one could understand why the mention of the person’s name or the break up would send me into tears. They all thought I was better off, but inside I felt like it meant that I was less than I thought. It took me a while, but I finally realized that it wasn’t a bad thing that someone like that did not want me. I was better than that. I was too good for them. I know it sounds trite, but it isn’t, it is true. You don’t want someone who is beneath you, and anyone you treats you that way is. Don’t settle, it will never bring you happiness, even for the short term. Your rawness brought tears to my eyes. Just don’t wallow in it, take care of yourself.
Oh CBS. I’m a new reader of your blog, and this post so touched me. I, like many of those who have left comments, have felt the same feelings…different people, different ages, different geography; but those raw, horrible feelings all the same.
Do you remember the Friends episode where Phoebe dubbed Ross or Rachel the other’s “lobster?” (Can’t remember which one.) The premise being that lobsters mate for life. In any case…I went around convincing myself that this one man in my past, who said basically the same things your man said to you, was my lobster. Never mind that he was cranky, older and most probably an alcoholic with more lost baggage than O’Hare Airport. I was convinced he would figure it out someday and really want me. He said those same horrible things to me…basically that he was happy to spend time with me and have sex and all, but only if I understood that I was not his soul mate and that he would still be actively looking for that person as we spent time together. I’ve not seen him in person since the night he uttered those words, BUT for the last few years, have said (out loud) that if he ever asked, I would marry him — warts and all. What was I thinking? Reading your post made me realize how bad that would be. I don’t know you, but I’m sending you a hug, and a debt of gratitude. Reading your post made me realize I deserve more…just as you do. I hope the pain lessens over time.
I’m so sorry, and I don’t even know what to say…I can’t imagine how you are feeling, but I know that I’ve been through something similar; however, I don’t know that it could compare to the way that you are feeling right now.
I’ll be thinking of you during this tough time…
I am so sorry.
This sentence struck me the most - I remember thinking this oh so often while I was married.
“Neither reflected the pain that I’d expect to see from someone who made a woman they cared about cry.”
I hope that today is a better day for you.
I am so sorry, have I ever been there.
One little piece of advice, if you care to take it… if you are considering the friend route with him. Don’t let him hurt you with his friendship as he as done with the more-than-friends relationships already. He is most likely not worthy of your friendship, either.
I learned this lesson the hard way, and got hurt all over again by a friendship with the guy that said about the same things to me.
Take care of yourself. You deserve a wonderful man who appreciates all you have to offer!
I’ve been there recently and my advice, if you want it, is to take this time to remember who you are (and to appreciate yourself). Take stock of the things that truly make you happy and immerse yourself in them. I’ve found that if my life really revolves around me then the ups and downs of dating are so much easier to take. No one can take away from me those things that I love to do for myself.
I am being serious when I say: this horrible pain of yours is most probably the best thing that happened to you in a while. Ouch. Sorry. Keep doing what you know you are supposed to do, take care of yourself, keep going out (avoiding romantic movies though, don’t make the mistake I made before, those hurt) with non judgmental friends if possible, even though you don’t feel like it, keep your options open, even if you think that love sucks and that you will never want to go back there again (dunno if you feel like that, I know I did) and you will see that incredibly enough, someone will tell you that NOTHING, absolutely (or almost, depends) NOTHING is wrong with you… ah… and then the serious work begins, but that’s another story.
Charming, I am so sorry you had to go through that. I am not going to try to give you any advice here; I think you already got way too much of that in the comments above. Believe me, one day, it would not seem so bad and the best way to get to that day is by spending some time with girlfriends having cocktails and, perhaps, eating some ice cream. Do not underestimate the power of Ben and Jerry’s
The depth of your frustration is apparent. Kudos for throwing this out there, that takes guts, and good instincts.
Now the part you won’t like. Don’t underestimate the part you played in this exchange. This is an old dance with two willing partners. If you fail to see your role — and how you play this role repeatedly — you’ll cultivate the feeling that you’re a victim here, and that won’t help you.
See if you can find a way to stop dancing the dance. This isn’t something you can solve with any amount of blogging or intellectual weapons. And it isn’t something you can solve by yourself.
Hello Charming,
I’ve been a long time reader (since your first few months of blogging), but I’ve never commented before today.
I just wanted to tell you that you speak to me. It feels like you’re writing about my life, my joy, my sorrow. Thank you for that.
You help me to feel like I’m not alone.
What a powerful post. Here’s to not settling and hope the right one finds you soon. It’ll be worth the wait.
Thank you for sharing. And, you’re not alone. hang in there and be good to yourself until the right one comes along.
CBS…you know I”ve been reading for quite awhile now…and you have never opened up like this before. I must say that it’s impressive. Being 30 I feel the exact same way, though as a guy, I don’t verbalize it or show it. That makes me weak, and you strong…take that with you. It was a strong thing to do: show your emotion, both in real life to that guy and not just pushing him away and tell him to get out, but to be in that moment and except the way you were feeling. And also to continue in this state with a well thought prose that I believe conveyed the emotion that you experienced.
Also remember that you are LIVING! At least your trying to find love…Keep going…and when I get the courage to move to your city I’ll find you
First time reader. That was an incredible post. Thank you for sharing your story. I’ll be back.
I’m so sorry you went through this this weekend. You deserve someone utterly charming, not stupid frogs.
I hope this isn’t too late and that you are still reading comments here …
There is NOTHING wrong behind those blue eyes.
Thanks for putting this out there. It’s your story, of course, but it’s the story of a lot of others, too.
Thanks for your courage to post this! As you can see, you are giving so many of us strength to find our own voice as we hear you find yours.
Not that I know anything about this guy, but I’ve never understood the lame “can’t give you what you want” line. Can’t or Won’t? It may make him feel less culpable if he says “can’t” rather than “won’t,” but really, it’s.. well it’s a lame cop-out. But I recognize it’s way easier for me to get mad at the guys who hurt other women than it is for me to get mad at the ones who hurt me.
Wow! I’ve been checking for days for a new entry and had no idea how powerful this one would be! I am 33 and I have been there. You have shared some very deep emotions, with all of us peaking in to see what’s going on with you… It almost seems criminal for us to be so nosy at this point…
But, I just thank you from the bottom of my heart for opening up and allowing us to share and comfort you as best we can through our comments. I thank you for verbalizing your emotions in the face of such a difficult moment in time.
CBS, you are going to be found by Mr. Right! It’s true! I don’t want to get too preachy here because I’m definitely no preacher NOR a saint! lol But, I remind myself constantly of the scripture: “He who findeth a wife, findeth a good thing.” Also, I keep in my mind: This too shall pass. And one more: “Weeping may endure for a night but joy cometh in the morning.”
Please take some time “off” just to reflect on things and to really examine what you could have done differently. Also, maybe it’s time to date more purposefully. What that means is that you date with a purpose and only accept dates from those with whom you’d be interested in having a more meaningful and long-term relationship. It makes for a LOT of lonely nights and weekends. But, in the end, you are definitely setting yourself up for more quality men. Lastly, I will say this, please know that your growing pains will only make you stronger and wiser!
We are rooting for you! Keep your head up!
Lots of hugs and well wishes,
Libra Lady
Excellent post and I am so glad that you shared it with us. I cried with you while I was reading it. I have absolutely been there. AlI I can say is thank your lucky stars that you are having this epiphany now. You can take your time to grieve - because it will take time - but then you can be free. I dated someone for 5 years only to realize that he just did not love me “enough”. I ended things just before my 29th birthday…wishing I had accepted what I knew all along and ended things sooner. Now I can spot “that guy” and refuse to allow myself to spend time with him. I am trying to learn to appreciate the good guys, the guys that really do like me and want to be with me and miss me when we are not together. You will be so much better off if you can start to realize that now. Now go an publish a book or something. You are an outstanding writer!
I don’t want to upset you any more than you already are, but I do want to say that from a guy perspective, saying what he did and booking out the door after was lame, a cop out. He sounds like the type of guy that when things get hard - too emotional, confusing, messy or whatever the case may be…he bails. That is NOT the type of guy you want.
You want a guy that is willing to hear you out (even if it spoils the mood), to get to the bottom of things when problems rise and work towards making the relationship strong and healthy. Not a guy that just says sorry, pulls up his pants and heads home.
You are better off without him. He wants a booty call and you want loved. Neither of you are getting what you want. So it’s probably time to find a guy that will GIVE YOU what you want.
Please don’t feel too sad. You may be charming, but you won’t be single for long.
Oh god, I went though this Feb. 07… with my best friend. Well, too be truthful we managed to drag it out till July. Which made it suck even more. It took until this January for any sense of equilibrium to return to our friendship.
The worst part is even though I’ve mostly convinced myself that it would be a huge mistake for us to ever get back together a tiny part of myself is still holding out for him. And I know that part of him still thinks we’ll end up together.
But that doesn’t change the fact that we live in different places right now… and that he currently has a girlfriend.
And he kissed me this weekend. That should be all I need to know that we should never be together, right? My best friend should never put me in that position.
So much for equilibrium… sorry for hijacking the comments
I know, been there, am there - doing that - and my heart is slow to learn what my brain has always known, and part of me is pissed off at myself for forgetting that I am worth more than this in the first place…. and I gotta wonder- I’m a freakin’ SAINT - but he would rather have someone with HER problems instead…
boys are stupid.
okay, sorry for makin it all about me- I am linking this post into my blog… sorry you will be tucked in between craigs list rants and inappropriate banter- but this made me cry this morning.
[...] so, this is the blog I read . . . girly but good Charming but Single [...]
I stumbled onto your blog through Over Educated Nympho & You made me cry because I had nearly the IDENTICAL scenario happen to me the last weekend in March. You reach a point where you’re just…TIRED. I wish you the best and I will keep you in my prayers–it sucks loving someone hard and they hardly love you.
Charming -
As you may have thought already, I do think that this encounter happened in part because it didn’t happen two years ago. Yes, it was painful. Yes, I’m sure that you wish it hadn’t gone down. But there was baggage there, and it weighed on you - perhaps more than you knew. Now you’ve heard his responses, and can be clear. The healing could take a while, so be patient with it.
I have had guy friends who didn’t know what they wanted, and were making similar kinds of choices to this one. Really, they’re no more amazing or powerful than anyone else…just mixed up. He may not have demonstrated emotion in a way that you wanted, but I actually think that your tears and that episode will stay with this guy for a while. Just because people don’t respond in the way that you desire doesn’t mean they’re not feeling.
Lastly, I wonder if you’ve thought about spending some time on therapy. You may want to understand “the college girl who kissed too much” a little more. And when you’re in a job like yours, the day won’t necessarily give you that space - unless you create it.
Take care.
First time visitor here…
Awesome post. So sorry you had to go through this. Just think though, closing your heart (albeit not easy) to someone like this is only opening it for someone better.
Hang in there..
You really put your heart into this one. I cried for you and myself at the same time. Just know that I was once that girl and now am happy and you will be too. I know that’s probably not something you want to hear and you’ve probably heard it a hundred times before. One day you will meet the one and it’s going to be when you least expect it. Hang in there. Let your friends fill the gap your trying to fill until then.
Wow…I could have written this myself, several years ago. While I read this, I could feel your pain - my past pains - and felt my heart break for you. I’m so, so sorry you are going through this now, but it’s necessary. I know how trite that sounds, but honestly, this is that trying time you need in order to finally get serious with yourself. No one else is going to be able to get serious about you until YOU do.
Hang in there and know you are NOT ALONE. Every one of us ladies who read this was thinking, “Holy fuck, have I been there…” I write this today, knowing that I’m glad I did go through all that bullshit. It certainly made the good I’m experiencing now all the more worth it.
Thank you for sharing this difficult story with us. Not only was it a good reminder for me, but I can imagine it was quite cathartic for you…
I echo all of your other comments - I too have been there! As I was reading your raw and honest post - I felt my heart break for you. I can totally relate to your situation and I was older than you when I had a similar ephiany. Girlfriends, chocolate and wine got me through the first couple of months and I say you are in need of large quantities of all 3.
Hang in there - it does get better this I do know. Let yourself heal from this emotional trauma and be good to yourself. There are good ones out there and you, as we all do, totally deserve it.
He is not worth it! One of the best books I’ve ever read (http://www.amazon.com/Sweet-Potato-Queens-Book-Love/dp/0609804138/ref=pd_bbs_sr_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1209495748&sr=8-3) said it all…”Get another one. they are making those things everyday” This book helped me cope with a dying relationship & made me realise…there are more fish out in the sea. And sometimes…you grow apart. It’s not bad or good…it just is.
So Lots & LOTS of HUGS from Orlando, FL.
Get Another one!
First time reader, and wow. This was absolutely stunning. I am so sorry this happened to you though, and I can totally relate to how you are feeling.
This particularly struck me:
“I cried for the college girl who drank and kissed too much to cover her pain. I cried for the adult woman who couldn’t trust men.”
Because that defines my entire existence with men. Sometimes it’s better to have a clean break than get entangled again.
I hope things are better soon.
I’m going to completely change the subject and remind you that college football is just under four-or-so months away.
Although I don’t really agree with Caroline’s tone, she does make a point. At 28, you should probably be able to differentiate a booty call from a boyfriend. He’s clearly not a stand-up guy, and you knew that, yet you let your feelings get involved anyway. You’re a smart girl - you know better than that! It sounds like you’re letting your lack of self-esteem get in the way of finding someone truly worthy of you. Don’t settle for someone who’s offering you less than you deserve!
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you and YOU need to realize that. You can’t force someone to love you. You’re a smart, coherant, sharply-dressed, southern woman… you don’t have to try that hard.
I know it’s easier said than done because I was in your boat not even a year ago and I can’t say anything that will help you except that you have to decide yourself.
I agree with Dawn. It may be hard to hear but until you believe that you are worth it, you won’t find the right person. You can’t settle for less than you deserve. Once you stop doing this the right guy will come along. I was in the same place you are just two years ago. It took me a long time, but once I believed that I was worthy of real love I finally found the one I was waiting for.
Oh, CBS, my heart just broke for you when I read this. It was raw, true feeling, and I applaud you for opening up and sharing this. It’s comforting to know that someone amazing like you can feel the same things that someone who’s not-so-amazing like me feels. My best friend sent it to me, and said “See? Someone else knows how we feel.” You’re not alone in the way that you feel, and as so many others have commented before me, you’re an amazing woman!
I’m sorry that it didn’t work out, and I’m so very sorry that you’re hurting. But a gorgeous woman as rock-star as you are will no doubt be back on her feet in no time.
And because you shared, I have to share–I’ve been reading your blog off and on for awhile, and when I read stuff about you–like your awesome job, your glamorous social life, and your trials in your love life–I think, “That is someone who I want to be more like.” I truly admire you!
Let me join the queue of the people who have been there… I was 26 when this happened to me. Well, not exactly this, but a similar situation…
I am now 30. Still trying to discover what it is that I need to be happy. I’ve been in a relationship without passion. It didn’t work. I’ve done casual sex. Didn’t make me happy. I’ve done my time in solitude (thanks Caroline, you’re such a gentle soul). Didn’t make me happy either (and at least with casual sex, I had sex.) Now I’m seeing someone on a non-exclusive basis. He isn’t The Lobster. I don’t love him. But he makes me laugh, he’s sweet, charming, nice and fun. Will that make me happy? I don’t know.
While I don’t agree with either “live your life in solitude” or “get another man ASAP”… I used to believe that the only way I could live my life was to find The One and Live Happily Forever After. It didn’t happen. I went from one relationship into another. Neither worked for longer than a few years… Maybe the key to your happiness isn’t what you think it is. I’m not suggesting anything in particular. I just hope that whatever happens, soon you’re going to write happier posts. *hug*
Charming, you have me sitting here with tears rolling down my face because I have been there. I have been there many times and recently too. It’s called unrequited love. And it sucks. The cry you had was good. The absolutely not caring about how you looked the next day was good. It is the first step of getting past how you feel about him.
You are a smart, intelligent and witty YOUNG woman. You will have the man of your dreams and you will have children. And I have told you this before but you will be living the life that you pine for at the time when some of your friends may be living a life of hell. Why? Because you waited. Maybe not by your choice but you will be older and wiser when you settle down with THE ONE.
He obviously is not THE ONE. He is simply a life lesson for you that will make you even stronger and more confident than you already are. And someday, when you are happily married and watching your children play, you will think of him fondly for what you learned of all of this.
I wish I could take your pain away because I know all too well how you feel. I wish I could give you a hug because I know how good it would feel to have one when you really need one. I would be happy to talk if you ever wanted. I’m only an email away. Chin up.
I’m getting to this post a little bit after the fact but I wanted to chime in. No, felt compelled to chime in. I think that us single girls need to go through moments like that, moments of complete and utter meltdown, sobbing despair in order to move forward.
Sounds horrible, no? But it recently occurred to me that I would NEVER be in the place I am if I hadn’t gone through what I did over the years with my various exes and formers. All I can say, because really, who the hell am I to tell you what to do? is that I think you’re on the right track. Taking time for yourself is the best thing you can do.
And I know, because I’m only a short distance down the tracks from where you are.
Hang in there.
Change your phone number…and delete his. It’s the only way to cut him out of your life. Been there done that…I felt like I was reading my own story.
Be happy being alone and being yourself.
Very raw and emotional, brave to post it too. I hope things are better now.
This was such an amazing post in so many ways. I read it when you first posted it and thought in a couple of days I would have formulated the right words to express how it made me feel, but I still can’t find those words! Just know that it touched me and many others and we’re all here with you. I’m sure you’ve heard this a billion times, but as much as it hurts now, you’ll be better off in the long run without this guy. Plus, you’ll be ready and available when the right one comes along.
tears filled my eyes as i read your post a) because i feel like we are *friends* as i read into your life and get to know you- my heart goes out and b) because i know that exact same feeling all too well. i somehow felt i was reading something written for me. and its refreshing to see that i am not the only one that feels that i am the oldest single person alive (i’m 28)- as my world around me puts the white dress on. thank you for helping me get through my ‘panic years’
much love
j
‘Both faces bore the same, “Oh God, I made a woman cry” emotion. Neither reflected the pain that I’d expect to see from someone who made a woman they cared about cry.’ - and this is exactly it, everyone deserves someone with that much empathy, at least THAT much. Anything less than that is unacceptable to me. I too have wanted the unavailable that I didn’t even deem worthy, and the unavailable have not wanted me. And there comes a time when we know, intellectually, that this is not right, this is not even what we want because we do not want the life we want with these people, we want some other life and are still hoping for the miracle that will turn this person into what we actually need, but intellectually it takes a while for it all to catch up. And then, when we’re ready, it just does, sometimes just like that, one sentence, one gesture, we’re free. I recently freed myself after 6 months that I still do’t quite comprehend - 6 months of notingness, mind. But it’s not ever a matter of “even he didn’t want me”, of course he wouldn’t, he’s not like you. I’m not saying he is a bad man but he certainly is an emotionally stunted one, one who lacks courage, real daily life courage, the hardest sort to come by. Everyone has the right to a proper goodbye, EVERYONE, and everyone knows this as well, even those who refuse others this chance. They will even say the right things gazing deeply into our eyes, they will profess to want only the best for us, they may even believe it but it’s superficial, at the end of the day they didn’t NOT inflict pain when theycould have. We’re not 12 anymore, we always know what is happening. You chose to be with him, yes, but he made his choices as well, and they cost you.
I am sorry for your pain, it hurts very much, I know. And I would never tell you that pain makes us stronger, that’s absolute bollocks, there’s too much of it everywhere. I’m 37 now and I still haven’t found the one. I do want a family, children, and at times I worry but I feel better now about my choices than I did when I was 28, I have meanwhile learnt to avoid catastrophic outcomes even while happily swimming in denial. I have gained loads of insight about why I do the things I do, why I put up with the unacceptable at times, and I did it mostly through blogging about it, I’ve been fortunate that way. It does help to understand what is our pattern, that is the only way to break it. And I had a revelation the other day, an utterly simple thing that I knew already but hearing it somehow sorted out my head much better, no avoiding it: when in doubt cover your ears, don’t listen to the words, mind to the actions - they will tell you who the person really is, they will show you exactly what you can count on. This must have been a horrid post for you to write, and horrid to post as well, but you have courage. And because I will always believe that life rewards the brave when the brave are genuine and willing to see, really see, I have faith in your future choices. Maybe not right away, maybe not as fast as you’d wish it to - but something has shifted, even I can see that.
Oh and by the way, we CAN have it all, yes, whatever our “all” is. Absolutely. Nothing less that that is even worth it.
reading this and seeing all of the comments made me both sick to my stomach and relieved to see that I am not the only person who has experienced these exact feelings. Thank you for your honesty.
CBS… I am at work trying to not to cry after reading this entry. I think many woman (including myself) appreciate your honesty and your way of describing exactly how it feels when your heart is just absolutely breaking. It’s not something anyone wants to admit -feeling that vulnerable -and then having someone see it and then thousands read it -but thanks. I feel better knowing that I’m not the only one who has felt that hopeless, unloved, and alone. I know that its important to feel that terribly bad because then I can fully appreciate how amazing and wonderful life can be (at other times). I hope you can see that too.
Hugs and comfort
I am trying not to cry at my desk here, like a lot of the other readers. I think this was a great post. I have felt a lot like this so many times. I can’t wait for you to find the guy who makes you feel the exact opposite of this. He is out there. You WILL meet him. As for all the other losers, yours and mine, I hope they feel how you felt that night sometime, just so they know what it’s like. By the way, I am 35 and still single. Sometimes I like it, sometimes I don’t. Keep your chin up, Charming, change is gonna come.
A friend of mine once said, “Why is it that strong and wonderful women often put up with emotionally abusive guys? It’s so strange.”
I’ve read your blog for a long time, and I like the person these words hide. I appreciate that you try to be as honest with your audience even though we’re not entitled to such honesty. Even *if* your disclosures are fueled in part by ego, there’re so many easier, cop-out ways of satisfying the desire for attention. Instead, you take the braver, more worthwhile path of writing about things that can really *hurt*, that makes you and–certainly me–wiser and more appreciative of life and people, warts and all.
I should hold off judgment on this guy you’re so hung up on, even two years since you dated, out of respect for your judgment and apparent care for him. But it’s kind of hard not to slap a label on him as being a bit of a douchebag. I agree with an earlier commenter on how this guy’s just an emotional lightweight with little character for playing you the way he did two years ago, and now scampering home when faced with the consequences of his action. He doesn’t sound like he had grown in any way. Ok, I’ll cease judging him, but it does leave me scratching my head at why someone like him could hurt someone like you so deeply.
You are beautiful, Charming. And it doesn’t take the love of a man (certainly not a man like him) to validate that. But I know that it’ll be nice, and in all likelihood, it’s a matter of time for you, with someone who is actually your counterpart in almost every way. That being said, a counterpart to you does not come a dime a dozen, so the wait can seem a long, long time.
I’m confused about the whole, “But I would still like to be your friend blahblahblah, if I don’t ever see you again have a nice life,” thing.
Sounds like he has John Mayer syndrome. And John Mayer is a douchebag.
Charming, you need to woman up, strap on a new set of ovaries, and quit letting yourself get used. We’ll bet my bl*g domain that he’ll be ‘knock knock knockin’ on heaven’s door’ again one evening, and if you stoop so low one more time, Nine-Seven gonna head on over and beat you with what’s left of our address.
Got it?
I’ve been there. It does get better. Whatever he told you is the reason he didn’t want to date you, it’s about him. It may take a couple years to really feel this, but you didn’t want someone with his issues. It seems like everything a guy has complained about in me, is also the quality that some other guys admired the most.
PS - Regarding the “don’t let yourself get used” kind of comments. No one ever seems to notice that the “We teach people how to treat us…” school of thought is in absolute and direct conflict with everything we are taught about how women should treat men? I’m not saying either school of thought is wrong, per se, just that there’s no way you can be strong and no bullshit while at the same time treating a man like a king and being his warm, welcoming shoulder. (Women who are not warm and welcoming tend to be called unflattering names, too). But you’ll be punished whichever route you take with the guy. Either you should have been tougher with him so he couldn’t “use’ you, or you shouldn’t have been a bitch so he wouldn’t dump you.
So really, you just have to say: fuck conventional wisdom. For women, it’s always a losing strategy. Maybe try to do what you want to do, and stop listening to the people who tell you what you did was the wrong thing.
Yeah, you got used. You allowed this to happen by inviting him to come over. You only propagated the troubles by opening up the door with a beer in hand, knowing full well he wasn’t going to stick around and make breakfast. What did you expect?
I disagree with Dizzy in that it’s not always a losing strategy. She makes it sound like women are always the victim. That’s bullshit. Charming, if I’ve learned one thing about women, it’s that women are smarter than men. And they know it.
You need to learn to walk into a room radiating with self-confidence and humility. You need to believe that you ARE the best looking woman in that room and that you’re turning heads. And when our conversation starts, I’m drawn in by your intelligent, witty banter mixed with the occasional self-depreciating rib jab. Your interest in me piques mine of you. And if the discourse slips away from your control, a simple punch to the genitals and a ‘good night” smile, may or may not leave me wanting to know more. . .
Regardless, if you’re faking the whole confidence / humility thing, any astute man deserving of what you have to offer will pick up on that and move on.
Couldn’t agree with Stick more…
I’m a former reader, who came here via a link from another blog.
Charming, I used to read you all the time. You are a great writer, but you have got to stop being a doormat, stop feeling sorry for yourself, and find some self-esteem and confidence inside you somewhere.
You keep looking for other people, mainly men, to make you happy, but happiness comes from within. If you can’t be happy with yourself, why would somebody else be happy with you.
I quit reading because you’re a broken record of woe is me.
I hope to someday stumble again your way and find you at peace with yourself and happy in the world. Good luck…
First time reader and very touched… so thought I would pass along little quote that has always helped me… simple and to the point.
“Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don’t, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it - if it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it’d be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.” - Harvey MacKay
I was holding my breath practially the whole time. I bet (judging by all your comments) that many women were able to identify with you. I know I did!!! Especially the knowing it’s not right but it feels wrong to let go.
ARGHHH I have no advice but if he was wrong, then things can only get better. *hug*
I felt alone and unloved. So I did what people who feel alone and unloved do: I cried some more. Until I was choking on my sobs. Until I couldn’t make any tears. Until I passed out from the exhaustion of being so vulnerable, so melodramatic, so emotional.
I can certainly relate to that! Being single and sometimes wondering when the right man will come along… definitely love your blog, glad I stumbled upon it!
Oh my God. My Heart hurts reading this.
hugs to you my sweet. mid-love making meltdowns have happened to the best of us. sending you love and hugs. even though it doesn’t feel like it now this too shall pass………
I know the phrase of this song too well. It’s an underscribeable ache we should all only have to feel once in our lives. I know it hurts like hell, and it will take time to fade. It will seem like an eternity, but one day, I promise, a day will go by and you’ll be light as air because he won’t have crossed your mind.
Thank you for sharing, I know it must have be a difficult entry to write. I’ve recently been through a similar scenario, where I carried on seeing a man even though he told me he’s no good for me and couldn’t give me what I want. Though when he called I would run; it ended a month ago, thankfully. I deserve more than a friends with benefits relationship, and you know you do too.
But again thanks it’s comforting to know you and others who have commented on your blog have shared experiences.
This blog should be Single, Stupid and Desparate.
This is the first time I’m ever read your blog, but this post had me bawling my eyes out. I have 100% been in your shoes and I know that it hurts like hell. I hope that you will be able to take something positive from this and never allow yourself to be dragged down like that again.
I’m sure that he’s not a “bad” person but it turns my stomach to think that he was taking so much from a woman who seems so fantastic without giving back to her. He doesn’t deserve that and neither do you.
“I’d been willing to settle for a guy who I knew wasn’t right, who I would never introduce to my family and friends. Even he didn’t want me.”
It’s hard for some people to understand why others love so desperately and are even willing to settle for people who don’t, and will never, love them back. I’d always thought of myself as smart when it came to relationships, at least smart enough to know that I would never subject myself to something akin to desperation or self-abuse. Especially over a man.
How wrong I was.
Now, I think I understand - it is because, despite anything that he says, we continue to hope and wish and pray and yearn that one day, he will look at us, hold us, love us in the same way we look, hold and love them. No matter how many times they break us, one word from them will have us running back - perhaps warier than before but still there. Stupid, yes it may be but whoever hasn’t been stupid over loving someone has never really loved before.
I’ve been burned by the same man twice in a over a year and a half. The difference between you and I is he says he loves me but that he cannot wait for me. Twice he has found himself another woman to love; both times I found out thru someone else. Twice he has broken my heart.
I am sad to say that should #3 ever come, I know I will still love him and be with him. All he has to do is say the word.
I thank you for your post, Charming. It was very honest and while I know that it is painful for you, it made me feel less alone. I hope for the best for you. Continue loving. Continue living. It is the only thing we can do.
Wow. Wow and wow.
“I was crying for every man who ever left, who ever lied, who ever didn’t want me…I cried because I’m 28 and feel too old to be wasting time with the wrong man. I cried because I wanted it to mean something.”
Amen for your words. You said what I think most of us feel and think. It’s so difficult not to put our worth in the hands of a man. Somewhere along the way, we’ve all got to learn how to love ourselves enough for two people, but I know how hard it is. I’m 31 and I’m only halfway there. On a good day, that is. I’ve been in your situation more times than I’d care to admit. It’s always that way, isn’t it? We want the ones who don’t want us. Fate seems cruel sometimes, but I know it isn’t. I know it’s all just a test. And if you keep going the way you are, you’ll pass with flying colors.
Though I found your post sad and very easy to relate to (I have been in the position to crawl in the corner of the couch away from someone who I thought had better intentions for me) I think that the fact that you did come to some closure about your relationship with this guy is entirely for the good. I look forward to hearing how things are going for you in the future. I’ve added you to my blogroll. If you want to laugh about dating tragedies, you can visit me at itssocomplicated.wordpress.com
- Oona
Oh hon. I’m a little late in reading, but I wanted to say that I totally feel your pain as I have been there too. I know it is hard now, but trust that there are better men for you out there.
Also, to those that throw around the harsh words like “doormat”: I wonder if any of you have ever really been in love.
wow. i am a first time reader to your blog. i love the honesty in your emotion. so many women have been in that place before and at least you were brave enough to cry and put it all out there. you feel terrible now but it will become one of those battle scars that will make you so much more interesting and complex when you are older!
*hug* this is incredibly intense. will come by more often. here’s my blog if you’re ever interested- ilikemethisway.wordpress.com
I just found your blog and we must be living parallel lives. I thought I had reached that breaking point with my Mr Wrong six months ago but it’s still on and off with us. Maybe I’m just not as strong as you and I’m willing to settle for his company but not his love. I try not to let my love for him pour out of my eyeballs but I’m sure it does. Suddenly I feel pathetic.
I hope you’re glad now that you decided to post this; you should be, look at how many people you’ve touched with your courage to show your vulnerability! I wish I were that brave; I’m not quite there yet.
I know it’s redundant now, but I SO have been there, MULTIPLE times, and am almost 32 and still single. I do believe, though, that all of that is in the past for me, as I since have learned to trust my instincts, have come to appreciate my Divinity, and am no longer in a place where I would settle for less than what I want. You should check out this blog by a single woman who has gone through similar experiences, figured out she deserves better, made her list of what she wants in a guy, focused on not settling for less and now she’s with him:
http://fizzgigabyte.blogspot.com/
Tell her AMPlifier sent ya!
Thank you, somehow it feels good to know I am not the only one who does this…. sometimes I tell them that I cry during great sex. Somehow that seems sexier then admitting that I use causal sex to cover up the lonliness.
Make your choices in life. Regret is a pointless pointless endeavour. I’d suggest seeing a counsellor or therapist to help you get back on your feet.
We’re not all assholes, and sometimes that side of us is encouraged in our own confused pursuit of happiness.
But…Did you say red nightie AND beer???
xxx
Hmm…I stopped breathing somewhere in the middle of reading that. It hit home…REALLY hit home hard. You are dealing with the emotional side of things on your blog, while I’m dealing with the humorous side of the same things on mine. As much as I laugh outwardly, I hurt inwardly. Reading this entry was heart-wrenching. I wish you luck.
http://www.saneandsingle.blogspot.com
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Its usually in the darkest moments we start to truely find ourselves. This will end up being a turning point in your life, when you finally get what you want. All you have to do is make that choice! Sending you positive vibes….
CBS, I just discovered your site. I liked this post and the courage it took for you to write this. I have stories on my blog that I think you’d appreciate. Stay strong. ~ Kit
Hey there, new reader here.
My google reader pulled your blog and when reading I found myself at this post. I am afraid it is going to be what I’ll be writing on my blog in a few months when I finally realize #6 doesn’t want what I want. Nonetheless, I can’t stop seeing him, touching him, kissing him…
We are self-destructive beasts.
Jesus, we should be friends. This whole fucked up thing is me, too, even though I feel like no one else does quite the same thing, we all do.