Bottle It Up May 7, 2008
Posted by charmingbutsingle in Friends, Life, Single Girl Cliches.trackback
I’ve been slowly working my way up to joining my high school reunion Web site. I declined to be on the planning committee, citing work commitments, and never went through all of the people who joined the site. Facebook and MySpace were enough for me, thankyouverymuch.
But then I was talking with one of my friends about her high school reunion, which is next month. (Mine is this fall.) She’s beautiful and thin and married and successful. So I was taken aback when she announced that she was worried about her reunion. Because I – single and not so thin – am worried about mine because I am one of about 10 singles, it seems. Hell, I’m in the minority for not having kids. I’m sure it will be better than I expect, especially if I can get my Gay Boyfriend (who went to our brother school) to be my date.
“How could you be worried about your reunion?” I asked my friend. “You’re insane – you have a fabulous life.”
“Um, hello, you’re successful and you’re worried about your reunion.”
She made a very good point. The problem with high school reunions is that you’ll always be who you were at the end of senior year – everyone remembers who you dated or didn’t date or wanted to date or who was a brain or who was average or who so-and-so said did whatever with four guys that one night. The girl who was pregnant at graduation will always be That Girl Who Graduated Pregnant. We pretend to be mature as adults, but being around women from my high school turns me into an awkward 16 year old. Add drinks and it only gets worse. My point is, if you judged me by high school, I am just the third wheel, tagging behind my friends with their older boyfriends in college who bought us alcohol.
This Fall is going to be hard on me. Best Friend Ever is having a baby, College Roommate is getting married, my younger brother is getting married – all within a month or so of each other. Call me melodramatic, but if you need me I’ll be sneaking a cigarette out back. So parading around in a cocktail dress with girls from high school and their husbands and baby pictures is enough to drive me to get a cat and start knitting or something.
But for some reason, hearing from my girlfriend whose perfect life I envied because she wouldn’t have to show up dateless at her high school reunion and realizing that she was annoyed about hers because everyone would want to know why she didn’t have a kid got me thinking. In the contest of “Who has the best life” everyone has a shortcoming in their own mind. My friend doesn’t have kids. I don’t have a husband. Someone else doesn’t have the job she wants.
I’m more than the Third Wheel. So much more. I’m witty and successful and intelligent and, yes, maybe even a touch charming at time. Even though I don’t always believe it or act like it, I am. (Note to self: Still go to the gym.)
So I joined the reunion site and uploaded a photo and winced as I went through the profiles – so many moms, so many marrieds, so few singles.
I better book my Gay Boyfriend early before one of the three other single ladies snaps him up.
How funny - I just learned this week that my HS reunion is in September and I’ve been looking at everyone’s Facebook profiles with their husbands and angelic babies feeling a bit glum, and was planning to write my own blog post about just this topic (probably will soon!) When I was discussing this with my friend she was like “But you have a great job and live in West hollywood and…” etc etc. I’m sure everyone has insecurities about different things. It doesn’t make it any easier, but I’m sure you will rock the black cocktail dress, be your Charming self and have a great time with Gay Boyfriend.
I think the idea that “the grass is always greener” is never truer than when applied to high school reunions.
That said, no way will I ever attend mine.
Sounds like Fall will be a very busy time for you, Charming! And it sounds like you have already begun dealing with all of the emotions that each event will bring. singlefabulous makes perfect sense: everyone has insecurities about things and it still doesn’t make it any easier… I hope you and Gay Boyfriend have a BALL! Enjoy yourself, Sweetheart!
P.S. It’s nice to see your humor dancing all around in this post! Sounds like you’re back on track, Honey!
BRAVO!
Well there are reasons why I avoid even as much as admitting my high school colleagues still exist :$ While now I am a guy with a body of a swimmer, great job and funky hair, living in Amsterdam, in high school I was not as much third as fifth wheel, fat, bespectacled geek known as The One Who Doesn’t Drink (i.e. The One Who Isn’t Fun) And Spends Time In Front Of His Computer Even Though The Internet Wasn’t Invented Yet. Not quite ready to revisit those memories. Maybe in another 20-30 years…
Oh, and if anybody asks, it’s not me on these photographs. *shudder*
When they show you the pictures of their “angelic babies” remember how you’re able to go home afterwards and sleep 12 hours (WITHOUT INTERRUPTIONS!) if you so desire, without having to answer to anyone else– not a husband nor a baby.
I have a 3 month old now who looks supremely angelic and adorable in all his pictures. I also could count on one hand the number of full nights of sleep (by that I mean more than 6 hrs at a time) I have gotten in those 3 months. I don’t even need my whole hand to count the times I’ve been able to leave the house without him attached to me.
Don’t get me wrong– I adore him like crazy and he’s great and all. But people see having kids as this great thing that you do, and in many ways it is, but it also sucks royally in many other ways, and so, really, no rush. Many of those people with kids are probably looking at you and your life and thinking how glamorous it sounds and how FABULOUS it would be to have a bit of that kind of freedom (an afternoon of shopping? Drinks at a fun bar with friends? Going out in public w/out the constant fear of my baby beginning to scream causing everyone within earshot to shoot me dirty looks? Ah, if only!). You’ll have babies one day, and it’ll be the hardest thing you’ll ever do, and it’ll also be great and wonderful, and there is NO REASON why having kids should EVER be a competition.
Bottom line: The grass might seem greener, but remember your own lawn rocks pretty hard, too.
Things that had yet to be invented by your first reunion. In declining order by age: (I hear the quibbles already…
1.) Facebook.
2.) Google.
3.) Ebay & Amazon.
4.) Yahoo & AOL.
5.) The Internet.
6.) The desktop PC.
7.) DARPA Net.
8.) COBOL & Space flight.
9.) UNIVAC.
10.) ENIAC
11.) The Manhattan Project (The Bomb).
12.) Commercially successful monoplanes with speeds regularly in excess of 220MPH.
13.) Regular Air Mail. Bluegrass & Jazz.
If you’re old enough, you’ve known, seen or participated in graduations where all or most of these folks would have been present. Believe it or not. After all, any idjit can beget children.
Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’
Charming, please, please, PLEASE remember that just because there are married couples DOES NOT mean they are successful and happy. They may act the part but trust me, there are many that ARE NOT happy. They will look at you and wish they could have come to the reunion alone. Wear something great and go with confidence and you never know, there may be a great guy who does the same thing.
Everyone changes over time. Chances are that you and your married friend aren’t the only ones feeling insecure about the reunion. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by how far removed everyone is senior year. Being single doesn’t make you any less of a person. There is probably someone there who wishes they were single instead of married. The grass is always greener, you know?
The self-pity party has to stop now. Yes, you’ve gone through a tough month, but you are doing yourself a disservice to start preparing for a “hard Fall” this early in the game. Stop believing the grass is always greener and start realizing how green your grass is. You have established a strong career, which a lot of 20 somethings struggle to do. You have a pretty awesome social life- plenty of friends and places to go. You have the confidence to flirt with guys at bars. You have money to spend on cute shoes and cute bags and cute outfits. You have the life experience under your belt to know now not to settle and to hold out for someone who is perfect for you. You also need to acknowledge two things:
1. Maybe it’s a geographic thing, but I am a little older than you, living just outside of NYC, and most of the people I am friends with are not married at this point. I think it’s funny that so many of your high school friends are married and have kids…such different worlds. But in the grand scheme of things, you are not such an oddity, so give that some thought.
2. People look at your life as very enviable. You are not tied down to anyone. If you wanted to, you could go live in another part of the world for a little while and have various life experiences these wives and mothers may not have gotten before marriage and now never will. Even if you stay safely ensconced in the same old city, the fact that you even could do that should be a huge boost to your confidence about your situation.
So again, the Fall is not going to be hard. You are going to be thrilled for the experiences your friends are going to be going through, and you are going to feel safe in the knowledge that your life is pretty damn good too.
You are so right you are successful and have so much going for you, and like you said, no matter what, you’ll always be remembered for what you were at the end of your senior year of high school. And you are probably happier than many of the married people out there…
I am simultaneously jealous of your reunion and relieved that our committee neglected to hold one for us. I bet it will be more fun than you think!
My ten year is coming up. Sneaking up. I feel pretty comfortable with myself on a daily basis. Happy with what I have, honest with myself about life expectations and all that. That said. I have a son with my fiance (who I’ve been with for almost 10 years- coinciding with reunion coincidentally.) I have a good job for this areas economy, a nice house with the landscaped lawn. A car that runs and is in decent shape, albeit old and a Cadillac. I have a few close friends and a lot of acquaintences. But there are a few people at that reunion who know how unhappy I am in my relationship, they also know I smile and stay (for what, who knows. punishment maybe??) and that embarasses me. That I am that girl who everyone wonders why doesn’t she try to do better? Anyways, my point, like others have made…. is that we are all insecure. I realize that from another persons viewpoint they might think I am happy with the fiance and doing alright for myself. They wouldn’t know he regularly helps himself to my money for his habit and leaves me struggling to pay bills. Maybe this is a rant I should have kept personal, but please know. At least you can still have hope. Hope that all this time you’ve waited to find true love will pay off. That you will find it. Unlike 70% of everyone else who isn’t really sure of their decisions. Who live with regret and second thoughts.
And my last rant, ask anyone who matters, who isn’t shallow and might be someone you’d want to know. Ask them if personality or looks matter more. If thin and stupid beats curvy and witty and intelligent. I don’t know how thick or thin you are… but sweetheart, give yourself some credit. You bring shit to the table. You have loads to offer and one day some dude is going to flip out because he just found a rare gem in a barrel of costume jewelry.
You might be surprised how many of those people will actually envy you your charming, witty singlehood. As cliche as it sounds, the grass really IS always greener on the other side of the fence, even though 99% of the time it’s bullshit. Which probably had a hand in making it look green, as well.
Aside from perhaps having someone to dance with, reunions are not about significant others, but just about catching up and reminiscing. Partners, dates or what have you, unless they know the people too, are generally bored to tears. Why bother feeling guilty about whether gay friend is having a good time and just go stag? I know plenty of people who are married and still do for just that reason.
thank you for being so poignant about always being remembered as ‘that girl’ or ‘that guy’ no matter how much you’ve changed. i also fell into the Third Wheel category back then - and, not surprisingly - i’m still in that category.
my best friend got pregnant during her last semester in college. and i took it really hard. if there’s one piece of advice i can give you, it’s not to pull away too much. everyone will understand if you need some time away from Diaperville, but i virtually disappeared simply because i couldn’t handle losing my best friend to motherhood. and if she wasn’t so understanding, i probably wouldn’t have her as a friend anymore.
and while it seems that i’m always on the sidelines, i’m also the only one living exactly where i want and working at a job i love. the others had to settle for suburban life and working for their parents because of their more-complicated lives.
all that glitters isn’t gold.
Have you considered the possibility that some of your married classmates might envy your life? The grass is always greener for sure! They will probably look at you and think about how much fun it would be to be single with no children!
The grass is always greener - especially when it comes to high school reunions. I went to mine and worked out like a demon so that I would look good (also to compensate that I was dateless) - got there and realized most of the people were still the same as I remembered but that I had changed. I liked where I was so much more than that insecure girl I used to be. I had some laughs, got caught up and probably will never go again. I found I didn’t need to look back at that time anymore and it was totally freeing for me.
Everyone always looks at someone else’s life and thinks it is better than their own - and there will be a lot of people at your reunion who wish that they are you.
oh my gosh i’ve been going through the same thing. i check in on the reunion planning via Facebook & Myspace. but i’m really not thrilled about going. i want to see what everyone who isn’t on these networks is up to. but like you said it’s all just pretend. with my class there was even some drama on messageboards about people planning 2 different reunions. seriously? are we still IN high school? it was so silly.
and one girl even started a “topic” on our facebook one, it was called “let’s talk about our kids!” and then she encouraged people to upload photos of “the loves of your life”. umm… WTF?!? way to aleinate people bitch. sorry, she didn’t rub me the right way in HS either. i’m thinking of finding an image of ovaries or the female reproductive system and uploading that.
but the whole thing is driving me batty. it’s in Nov and i’m already changing my decision every other day on whether i really want to go.
why is this so stressful?
I went to my 10-year reunion one of three single people in the entire room. Showed up by myself, had my sister drop me off in the parking lot, believe it or not, and quickly went to the bar and scooped up a glass of Pinot. I’m so glad I braved it. Most were envious of my single life in the city, admiring that I was free to date and travel on a moment’s notice and dine out without distraction. So odd to me. It was a blast. One of the best nights of my 20s.
You make such a good point - the memories we have of old high school classmates, other than those we still are friends with, end at graduation. It will be interesting to see who’s changed - and who hasn’t.
My 10-yr reunion is in just over a month. I plan on drinking - a lot - to compensate for the awkwardness. Even though I’m happy with my life, and think I actually look better than I did 10 years ago, I will probably still feel like I did in high school once I’m around all those people again (aka not part of the “cool crowd”).
I think as long as you look fabulous (with a fabulous date!) and act confident and happy, people won’t think judge you for being single.
Just remember that Married does not necessarily equate to Happy. At 30, one of my best friends is now going through a divorce and I can tell you that Single, Never Married is better than Divorced any day… remember that.
I was in the same place a couple of years ago (hey, still single and childless!) with my reunion, and I can’t tell you how great it was to respond to the evite, “Sorry I can’t make it - I’ll be in Rome celebrating my birthday! Have a great time!”
Yes, that was a good thing.
You have great stories - it’s almost as though you’ve been a fly on the wall in my life (and I’m in California!) - you’re not alone. It will be ok. I keep telling myself.
Hey, go to the reunion, alone, wear the daring black dress, drink very moderately and flirt like hell with the husband/boyfriend of the bitch who dissed you in school.
Living well is the best revenge,
I think you will find they are all somewhat overweight, tired, unhappy and tied down with mortgages, car payments and orthodontic bills.
You will be the happy girl when it’s all said and done.
Fuck that grass is always greener crap.
Having gone to an all girls school my whole life, I know what you are going through. I feel that I am perpetually that girl in grade 6 with the bad hair and the geeky chlothes who never had a boyfriend. I chaired my 5 and 10 year reunion and it was great. One of the best things that anyone has ever said to me was after one of them, one of the girls came up to me and said that I was someone that had changed the most since highschool and for the better. This was one of the bitchy girls who wouldn’t give me the time of day when we were in school and now was complementing me!!!! Who knew. Go and knock there socks off. Give a lot of them ’til the 15th and the’ll be divorced anyway.
keep your chin up.
steph
Why bottle it up if you can find a true love?
Well, they may be married and they may have kids, but that has nothing to do with their state of happiness.
I’d rather be single than married to someone who made my life miserable, and we know that it happens often enough.
I am single and kidless at 34 and I too am scared to go to my reunion. I probably won’t go at all - especially since I live in Vegas now and they are all back in Maryland. Craziness!
I was one of the few single gals at my HS reunion 4 years ago and I was a nervous wreck too. But you know what - it was fine in the end! Just drink a lot and you’ll have a great time. And remember - you don’t have to see these people for another 10 years!
You’re so eloquent. You’ve written everything that I’ll go through when my reunion rolls around in 2009 (or is it fall 2008? I can’t remember).
And no matter what anyone else has, you never really know what goes on behind closed doors or behind the perfect smile.
Dont go. I speak as someone who had similar thoughts and similar dating experiences at your age. You are spinning yourself in circles.
My 10 year is coming up (supposedly), and I definitely have some mixed emotions about it. I’m pretty successful (careerwise, academically, etc), but being single, no family, still renting, etc. I was popular in HS, though I hated most of those people….and I think going back will just be those people +10lbs on people. Who knows.
I loved this post. My High School Reunion is coming up in the Fall as well, and I’m actually looking forward to it… if only because I am so much more fabulous now than I was back then. I’m still thin-ish (though hardly the bendy-straw stick-figure I was at 18), and I’ve definitely grown into my skin… learned how to wear make-up and what constitutes a good haircut. I will have seen far off lands and be months away from completing my Master’s Degree. I think, in these situations, we can only be our own measure of success… and, in my opinion, personal growth counts most of all.
Why put yourself through it if you don’t want to? You can always wait and go to your 20 year reuinon when all those women will either be divorced or fat, and if they have husbands most of them will be fat AND bald. Now THAT’s a good time.
I decided not to go to my 10 year. It wasn’t because I was worried about being judged by my high school self (I was on the fringes of a lot of different groups, but never fully in one), or because I was worried about people being more successful than me (either in business or in their personal lives). I decided not to go because I would have been the one judging everyone else, because I’m one of the few that “got out,” that moved more than ten miles away from our high school, that didn’t get pregnant before getting married, just a year or two after high school. I realized (and am somewhat ashamed to admit) that the only reason I wanted to go to the reunion was to see how horribly everyone had screwed up their life. And I figured that wasn’t a very good reason to go. And I don’t regret that decision. That’s not to say I don’t want to go to one in the future, though. Like Datingatforty said, go when they’re even worse off than they are now!
Since I am both a Mom and a Married, I can tell you that all of the Married Moms are going to be jealous that you get to go home to a clean and quiet apartment where you don’t have to deal with the stress of making sure Husband and Children are clean, fed, and relatively happy.
And for the record, I am UBER jealous. Seriously, try to enjoy this time of your life as much as you can. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but you will miss it one day.
I found out about my reunion three weeks after it happened. I think that was a good thing. There are people I’d like to see, but I’d prefer it to happen under less stressful circumstances.
This makes me glad I was home-schooled. That being said, I think the grass always seems greener on the other side. Someone always thinks you have it better than them. I’m not sure but I think that puts us all on even footing.
I haven’t kept in touch with anyone from HS, so I wouldn’t go to a reunion, but I can so relate to you as a singleton. I love your phrase “I’m so much more than a Third Wheel.”
I’ve been enjoying your blog for awhile and have added a link to yours from mine, Life of a Thirty-Something Singleton.
ugh. i have my ten year this summer. i totally feel you in the slight anxiety. i was popular in high school and i have no ill will towards anyone but the thing is that i’m single and as much as i think i am ok with it there is that part of you that is like how the hell did she get married before me?!!?!
By chance, I just landed at your blog and found gold because this is EXACTLY how I feel. I also grew up in the south and did the all girls’ school thing and @ my high school reunion a couple years ago, I was amazed at how many were married, engaged and/or popping out kids. And this was ONLY the FIVE year reunion. Yeah… But then a few friends told me what your friend said to you: that they were in awe of me and my independent single girl life and my career. So ya know what? Rock on the single girls.
I am conveniently moving across the country when my 10-year high school reunion occurs this summer. Thanks to myspace and facebook, I’ve had enough reunion to last me for another ten years. In ten years from now, when social networking has gone out of style, maybe then I’ll go. That said, I’m single and, yes, I was dreading it…it’s nice to have an excuse.
Wow, who’d have thought so many people would think and worry about the same kind of issues. I love reading blogs and having really good gossipy conversations with friends, where you realise you don’t have it as bad as you think you do.