Need some time off from that emotion / Time to pick my heart up off the floor May 19, 2008
Posted by charmingbutsingle in Life, Men, Single Girl Cliches.trackback
Brooding has been a mainstay of mine for a few weeks. (Or months, or maybe even years, but who’s counting, right?)
There is something beautiful and freeing about truly, deeply, finally releasing balled up emotions. Opening yourself up to another person, whether it is planned or spontaneous, is an intrinsically lovely thing, so much so that all of the poetry and music and story-telling in the world surely would be reduced by at least half if humans hadn’t embraced the time-tested, yet sometimes ill-advised, activity of vomiting up the feelings about one another resting in the depths of their souls.
Doing it with someone who is so unworthy of your vulnerability lays waste to whatever sense of strength you should be feeling after an honest admission. And I fully embrace that being honest about your feelings deserves some inner pride. Every day thousands, if not millions, of us shuffle about with our days full of secret desires and emotions, never saying what we feel or who we love. So even when such expressions are merely unplanned accidents or mistakes, I give us credit for surviving them.
I hear that sometimes honest expressions of emotion are rewarded with more than heartbreak and tears, though that’s never really been the case with me yet.
Everyone keeps telling me not to retreat back into my cave and hide from the light of summer. My emotional wall was pretty well fortified before my teary-eyed confession to the least right man in the world that I wanted to be with someone who saw me as a future and not a time-waster or a placeholder. My natural instinct in the aftermath of rejection is to shield myself even more, dig a moat around myself and then burn the drawbridge so that no one can cross. And I defend my own honor with self deprecation and bitterness.
My pattern – fall too hard, too quickly, too much for a guy and ignore all flaws until it all comes crashing down, then lather, rinse, repeat – is hardly unique. Or fatal.
I’m much too smart to be in this place. I’ve heard the Girl Power self esteem lectures. Be yourself. Respect your body. Don’t let men walk all over you. Be strong. Don’t compromise who you are. Look to the beauty in your soul. Ask for what you want. Embrace your independence. Stand on your own two feet. Celebrate your best qualities. The right person will love you because of your flaws, not in spite of them. You don’t need a man to be happy. Speak up. Walk confidently in the direction of your dreams. Head up, shoulders back. Anything you can do, I can do better. Draw on your inner confidence. Well behaved women rarely make history.
Yes, I know all of these things and more.
And yet … here I am.
Oooh how you read my mind! I think about this all the time. All the platitudes and independent strong woman thing and how “you’re better than him” and “you can do better” and “it’s better this way,” but it doesn’t make it feel better, does it? It still hurts all the same.
Great post. Sometimes it is too hard. But it can’t last like this forever. At least that’s what I tell myself.
Sometimes when you feel that way, nothing anyone says can change it.
It does feel horrible when you’re in the midst of it- I know, I’ve been here for far too long….
The rahrah part ( we are strong, invincible, blah blah blah) that we know does seem to not match the way we see ourselves or the situation. The upside is that occasionally a moment of clarity hits right between the eyes- he really doesn’t bring alot to the dating/future table ( be honest, he really doesn’t) regardless of how much he’s loved. We are definitely a better catch and good is bound to happen!
Hold onto those moments! They can be pretty sustaining and they help the tears stop when the moat we’ve dug is filling up with tears.
It’s always easier said then done. Your mind knows one thing and yet your heart knows something entirely different.
I think that this is a post that all of us “strong, intelligent, independent” women can relate too. I don’t know how many times I’ve been given those pep talks - and they don’t really make a difference. That is only one of the types of talks that I’ve been struggling with. The other pep talk is the one about not “settling”. But, I feel a bit like Juno MacGuff, “I need to know that people can be together forever”, does that really happen? Does the fairly tale love that we had shoved down our throat as children really exist? Or do we settle for something that is “nice”. I don’t know……..and maybe this doesn’t really have anything to do with your blog and I should start my own. Who knows……. I just feel like I need to know what is really possibly so I don’t hold out for something that doesn’t exist - or settle for something nice when the true love fantasy really does exist.
I have the same pattern…I fall hard for what I think is a great guy, then everything falls apart, and before I know it, I’m doing it all over again.
That heartbreak after an honest outpouring of emotion used to be all it took to drive me back underground. To make me bury what ever feelings I’d finally allowed to come to the surface, and then some. I think the hardest part for me is the humiliation. Letting go of the embarrassment has always been harder for me than the man. Until I figure out how to genuinely not feel that way I’m just pretending I don’t.
Faith. In what I do not know, but the older I get the more I think it’s faith in you. The happily ever after, the fairy tale, the prince charming, they aren’t real. What is real is your belief in yourself and what you need and deserve. Trouble is that figuring that out is what takes the longest sometimes. Commit to yourself to be someone’s car crash, not always just a traffic jam.
And you’re not alone. I fell fast and hard for my last two boyfriends. I broke up with one, and the other broke up with me. Neither felt good in anyway because I felt like I had somehow failed myself. I’m terrified of jumping back in the waters and making another wrong decision. What if I drown? But great love is worth great risk as they say, and so I don’t mind falling hard and fast and getting burned in the end. Slow and steady just isn’t my style, I guess.
I hate all of those cliches, they never make anyone feel better. It’s like when a dog or a grandparent dies, “They’re in a better place.” Uh-huh, that doesn’t make it hurt any less. I find the only thing to do is tread water until I’m ready to dive in again, but I’m willing to take the time to catch my breath again, hopefully next time there won’t be a “mistake” in choosing who to be with.
As far as childhood fantasies - we all know that two people can be together for ages, there are plenty of old couples that make love look so easy by celebrating 50 year anniversaries. But, I think that it’s important to remember that getting divorced wasn’t a socially acceptable option ages ago, and many of them I’m sure fall in and out of love with each other over and over again; or at the very least silently hate each other. I think the couples that are together for 50 years and still love each other as much as when they first met are few and far between.
But what do I know? I’m 24 and have never had a relationship that’s lasted longer than 6 months!
This is so sick. Wrong guy - Fall hard & fast, get burned.
Why oh why; especially when men like me are out there who would be what you want and you HARDLY EVER even give us the time of day. I wrote about it on my Blog.
It’s gotta change, gals, it’s gotta change.
I believe that every heartbreak, every relationship good or bad teaches you something you take with you to the next. These are trials everyone must go through before they can truly love themselves enough to not allow someone to take their strength and be able to love as much as they are loved.
The fact that you are looking at this from both sides (bitter jadedness and hopeful recovery) means that you are a very strong person. It will work out in the end… I truly believe that.
You know they say that if you tip your hand too soon that you’re feeling vulnerable to a person, it actually invites them to emotionally burn you in some way. Sigh. I, too, am 27 and have a propensity for self preservation and building moats. Still, I think its great that you were able to let out your feelings. Because now you really know where he stands in the relationship. You gave him a shot with you, he said no thank you, NOW you can finally move forward. That being said, I find that all those girl power mantras do help! I keep telling it to myself until I believe it. When you’ve had your heart broken so many times, you finally learn — by heart — all the steps you need to take in order to get yourself together. So I know you will get thru the brooding eventually, its just a matter of time. One day soon you’ll suddenly realize it doesnt hurt anymore and you’ll wonder why you even let this guy disturb your peace of mind!
There is wisdom in the platitudes you speak of but you only see it when time has passed and you have grown as a person. I know this because I am old! However, persevere CBS because it is worth it. Being open to life and all that it brings you really is the best medicine. That combined with chocolate, red wind and evenings with good girlfriends!
Anything I can do, you can do better? Pee standing up and write your name in the snow. lol
Get it together, CBS. You know you can.
I have never responded to your posts, but I read your blog religiously. I can relate and we might even be the same person.
This one spoke to me. My friends give me all the same messages, the same advice…but no matter how many times you hear them, until you decide for yourself that you are going to be happy, there doesn’t seem to be much use for the words they give you.
Make that decision. Be happy. Or try. Or not. But it’s up to you to be happy. Not anyone else. I hope you pull through. Just know there are people out here who really relate to you. You help me every single post with my own issues and knowing I am not alone out there.
Kudos.
Ah but the fortress walls and all the moats and defenses will not secure you from the well placed and freely admitted Trojan horse beyond the walls. This was a tale foretold, so there’s probably Less reasons to be sick over it. You well know how to avoid such things in the future. Let the intellect be a better guide for the emotions. Yes, that may seem perfectly strange and highly unromantic, but past a certain point it becomes utterly necessary. And yet still…
“I hear that sometimes honest expressions of emotion are rewarded with more than heartbreak and tears, though that’s never really been the case with me yet.”
You might be married for 25 & 50 years and heart break and tears will be your regular reward for possessing simple honest emotions. Over the premature loss of a son or daughter to needless wars, senseless accidents, or heedless addictions. Over the betrayal of loved ones, your once high minded ideals or indeed your nation’s honor. Over the countless and manifold losses in life due to improvidence, poor planning, corruption or in trusting the wrong sorts of people with our hard earned treasure, our hearts, souls or savings.
It’s life. No defenses are truly adequate for the onslaught. Some bear up better than others. But retreat from the Summer?! No this is something to Celebrate. Get out and live the youth that Providence grants you today! Life is not for hiding, least of all while you’re still young enough to enjoy so much of it. Girl Power has nothing on that.
Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’
OK, I wanted to add that I like the quilts as avatars. But my last post has evidently disappeared. Again. I did a post for the ‘reunion’ post you had that also disappeared. Don’t know why. Be that as it may, I imagine I’ve said enough. Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’
My suggestion is to stop focusing so much on the problems, the repeated mistakes, or however you want to term them. Focusing on those things, which you readily acknowledge and are aware of, is kind of a waste of time at this point. Don’t get caught up in the platitudes you discuss at the end, either. Those things, while they sound great, don’t apply to everybody.
You know the person you want to be. Stop getting bogged down in the past or what others think you should be. Over-thinking (which I’ll admit to being darned good at myself) doesn’t get you very far. Just be yourself.
And if yourself wants to go hang in a cave for a bit, by all means do so.
And here I am….
It happens. You’ll get through it. I guess just focus on the things that you love. What do you love, btw? I have career goals, passions, and great friends so I don’t get down in the dumps too much. I am pretty blocked off though emotionally, so take all that with a grain of salt. Nonetheless, I am happier this way. I think that dwelling on men, despite how annoying all those girl power messages are, is just plain boring in the long run you know? Sometimes when I look back on how sad people have made me I can’t help but morn for the time I wasted.
Look forward to reading your blog more!
Oona
itssocomplicated.com
I really think most of that “Girl Power” wisdom is just a load of crap. Ultimately, I feel like a lot of luck is involved in finding the right person. In the meantime, loving being yourself and living your own life is paramount.
At least, that’s what I think.
Here ya go…
Go see what I posted on my Blog - try it and begin a new life…..
http://www.searchingfortheanswer.wordpress.com
You have a mighty high opinion of your blog, Tim.
Blah blah self-esteem blah respect blah independence blah. WHATever. To assist you in your cathartic wallowing, I recommend the movie PS I Love You with JLoHew and her dead husband in a box. Sometimes you just need to get to the ugly cry before you can be that well-behaved woman again.
Naw, this is just some incredible stuff I’m going through. It is helping though…
Every single one of those things can be true… but that doesn’t necessarily stop us from wanting to love or be loved.
I consider myself a strong, independent, self-confident woman.
I am also desperately lonely sometimes.
Just gotta repeat the mantra… this too shall pass… this too shall pass…
You have no idea how much I can relate to this. Unfortunately the one person I can really open up to and express my feelings is my ex who made me feel this way. All my friends try to give me those typical “words of wisdom” but most of the time they just make me feel worse. I understand how you feel and best of luck finding happiness.
Wallow, it’s part of the process. Then after a time, stop thinking about it too much, as there’s not much you can do or change, apart from take the lessons you’ve learnt into the next relationship. It’s better not to settle or be with anyone who makes you unhappy.
We KNOW, and yet here we are… many of us. Disappointed at ourselves, and not having an easy time forgiving us.
Thanks for sharing all this, feeling like someone relates is… well, it helps, somehow.
Please remember, when a good one comes around, don’t blow them off as what usually happens, then fall right back into trying to please someone that doesn’t give a damn……..
Hang in there girl, this too shall pass, and at the end you’ll be all the better for it.
Chariming, I am blown away by your ability to express exactly what I have been feeling for the last year. You rock n stuff.
Just so you know, there really can be some heartfelt moments when you finally get the courage to tell someone how they make you feel. Two days ago I was on a spur of the moment road trip with the guy who has been playing with my heart for the last year. I had asked him out and we had one date then a few weeks later he told me he wasn’t in a place that he could date me. I felt like an idiot and that he felt I wasn’t good enough for him.
We became great friends and took this trip together and I finally gathered the guts to tell him how his rejecting me reversed all of the self esteem I had built up in adulthood and he bawled like a baby for a good 45 mins over the fact that he had made me feel that way (this guy was a Navy SEAL BTW). He actually felt intimidated by me because I came across as having my life so together and because I work for a very powerful business man that he does business with and he was afraid that he would screw something up with me and I would hate him, so he didn’t want to even take the chance. He was so upset that he had hurt me in anyway that I felt like no matter what happens between us, I have a true friend for life who will always have my back.
Sometimes having the guts to speak the truth pays off in spades. And we are in discussions about moving our relationship in a more romantic direction, maybe. He is still scared, but at least I understand that it isn’t me.
Lesson learned, keep being open with your feelings and also keep exploring them as long as you need to. You are healing yourself and learning life’s lessons.
Hi there! I’m a first time poster who absolutely loves your blog because I am in the exact same position you’re in. I follow the same ‘fall quick, crash hard’ pattern with men as well, and wanted to let you know that I’v e been seeing a therapist (I recommend one professionally trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) who is really helping me tap into why I do this–and it has nothing to do with it being “just who I am” and everything to do with old patterns that need breaking. Sometimes you know what you’re doing is wrong but you are at a loss as to how to stop your feelings from building up too early–therapy is really helping me with that.
I hope you aren’t offended by my suggestion. I feel that everyone in this world could benefit in some way by having an impartial, trained party listen and suggest ways in which we might live our lives in a more fullfilling happier way. =)
I appreciate your willingness to write about your experience. Reading your blog is a much needed reminder to me that I am not alone in my experiences as a single woman, whereas all the supportive words and well-intentioned advice of my married friends is more frustrating and annoying than helpful (and they are ALL married).
As far as the brooding and the cave, I say do whatever you need to do to recover and move on. Don’t be afraid to brood a bit or hide away for a while if that is what you need to recover. I think that those of us who crash and burn always come out stronger and better - even if we do it again and again. Eventually we’ll learn… at least I’m hoping so!
Yes, learn - please quit ignoring the good men.
GEEZ TIM, ENOUGH.
I get it, I get it. You think I’m ignoring the good men. I think you haven’t met the men I’m facing … trust me, for all of the “good men” there are plenty of “others” and even more “jerks.”
You’ve left like FOUR comments on this post AND I think you e-mailed me a few weeks ago about the “good men.” You are seriously making my point for me … the people you consider the “good men” just sit around and complain that women ignore them and act all superior and morally outraged that they can’t get quality dates. Just like there are reasons for my sucky dating life that are MY fault, there are reasons for the sucky dating lives of some of these “good men” that are their faults.
Take some personal responsibility — which is oddly what I’m trying to do over the past few weeks. (And some of it, no one here can see because I’m not willing to delve into some personal issues on this blog.) Recognize that someone being ignored is not exclusively the fault of the person doing the ignoring sometimes.
I am sorry it is taken that way, please accept my apology. I put a smiley face at the end to make light of it
It’s funny actually - that happenned to me again; (H) is addicted to bad guys that mess her up and I just laugh now.
All the best.
I understand how emoticons work. I’ve been blogging for more than three years, so here is some friendly blogger-to-blogger advice: when you leave essentially the same comment over and over again, it looks like you’re traffic whoring.
Also, it feels patronizing — you’re saying over and over again that women don’t give the “good guys” a chance and never acknowledging that perhaps there is a reason why some “good guys” can’t find a woman, while at the same time chastizing me and women in general, writing: “It’s gotta change, gals, it’s gotta change.” Maybe, just maybe, we’re not the only ones who need to change, is all I’m saying. (And I’d say that about myself.)
Or maybe I’m just feeling a little feisty this week.
Relating over here too.
I’m with ATLady. I need therapy. I love reading your blog and wish I could be more open about my real feelings on mine. Maybe someday.
Charming-
I’m also an avid reader of your blog and I’ve been remiss lately in reading, so just catching up. This was a honest, real and clearly hit lots of nerves for many people, including myself. It’s hard to say what is really on our minds b/c we fear at the core that the response may not be what we hoped and then we worry that the rejection or whatever may be even more painful than not saying anything and living with something unrequited.
I am proud and wish I had your strength to say what you wanted to say. I really do thinik that while it’s been hard……one day soon you will be just as proud and happy that you did.
And can I get a high-five on your very well-decribed chafe when people dispense advice that is cliched and b/c really they don’t know what else to day. That drives me CRAZY when people do that. Sometimes, I just want them to be silent or just say, “I’m sorry” and leave it at that. I agree it’s like, “Um..duh. I obviously am not a nimrod, so of course I know those things.”
And yet….here I am, too.
ps - right on, also for telling your commenter Tim how you felt about his comments. Tim - also good on you for also being able to hear her and apologize.
Beautifully written! I’m really enjoying your blog!
“My pattern – fall too hard, too quickly, too much for a guy and ignore all flaws until it all comes crashing down…..”
I can’t believe how your words are mine! This hits home for me…
Sadly, I’ve been there with you. It seems when I’m strong, I’m too strong. When I’m weak, I’m too weak. Either I’m pushing the men away with my strength and independence or I’m letting them walk all over me, crushing my heart.
http://www.saneandsingle.blogspot.com
Don’t sweat it, we all need to step out of the craziness for awhile.
As for the “good guy” thing, I think both sides go through this. I was convinced for awhile all of the good women were taken, though it took some changing on my part (still a work in progress) and a bit more flexibility to realize that there are still good people out there amongst the crap. Best of luck during your down time.