The subtext of that text July 6, 2008
Posted by charmingbutsingle in General Clumsiness and Related Stupidity, Life, Men, Really. Bad. Habits..trackback
My irresponsible texting of The Most Wrong Man Ever started in a semi-drunken state several weeks back. There I was, telling my girlfriends about the horror that was my little crying fit when I suddenly felt the overwhelming urge to tell him what a jerkoff I thought he was. So, common sense and reservations cast aside, I texted him and we had a most immature text message fight where he admitted to lying the first time we dated, but didn’t see any wrongdoing on his part during our most recent “with benefits” excursions.
Now, with all of my senses in tact, I know he is somewhat right and I blame myself for most of my heartache – he was a factor, but in this case there is much truth to the statement that no one can take advantage of you unless you let them. I didn’t protect my emotions after the first fiasco and I shouldn’t have expected much more from him the second time around. Not that I’d expect him to be proud of his actions, namely never really wanting much from me other than the extracurriculars (even the first time we dated). I’m certainly far from proud of my own actions.
But the text message floodgates were open and for the past few weeks we’ve texted and IMed occasionally. Idle chit-chat mostly, with a dash of me lashing out for good measure. We are two flawed people, me content to pick at the scab and feel scorned, him content to allow me to vent if it means leaving the door to more physical irresponsibility open.
So I was at a show one night and the band played “Goddamn Lonely Love” by the Drive By Truckers, which I must’ve listened to one thousand times in the past two months. Something about the low twang and lyrics of desperation make it the perfect song for wallowing. And that night, in that bar, I felt myself moving in time with the rhythm, unable to hear anything by the song and somewhat oblivious to the rest of the crowd. With my sundress skimming my knees I’d sway with the constant drum beat and then rock back hard on my heels with each third note.
After it finished, I sent him a text: “I think I am almost over the mortification …”
And thus, another round ensued. I assured him I wasn’t sex-texting, just letting him know. He proceeded to grill me about if I’d been dating this guy he knew and I hadn’t, but he insisted that I had been, so I said it must’ve been another one of his women and suggested he poll the rest of his harem. Things pretty much devolved from there.
Standing in that bar, surrounded by my friends but focused somewhere else, I vowed to put an end to it right then and there. Had I never communicated with him again the first time around, I could have saved myself an ocean of tears and self doubt.
I minded this rule for a few weeks more. And then, it happened.
He booty-IMed.
I was asleep and didn’t respond until the morning, at which time he confirmed that he’d wanted to see me after a few beers and that it was better that I hadn’t been awake because he just would have been flirting.
And then he invited me over for a quickie before I left for work.
“You’re not serious.”
“I am in bed, half naked.”
“I thought we decided this was a bad idea.”
He didn’t have an answer for that. I told him I wasn’t interested and headed to the office. But any progress I’d made in not wondering about him was completely shattered – all I could think about that morning was if he’d been serious or if he was just toying with my emotions now that I’d so proudly announced I was getting over it.
Curled in my bed that night I pulled my knees to my chest and shut my eyes to concentrate on how ridiculous this entire situation is and how careless I am for playing into his desires by never ceasing our communication. Before I knew it, I was involuntarily sobbing at the thought of letting him use me again and how, even if I don’t believe it 100 percent of the time, I deserve so much more than what he’s offering.
There have been no text messages since.
Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)
Some radical random thoughts here.
1.) There really really should be this special option on phones or BB’s where in for a charge of $20 or so you can send a solid but sub lethal electrical jolt into the offenders hand (or ear) as necessary. There are just too many times where this becomes completely necessary in the course of human events.
2.) Stewart Smalley tapes. Or rough equivalent might be helpful here.
3.) IM’s are just so damn evil for any sort of intimate relationships, they really should be outlawed for most of them.
4.) Breath alcohol meters for all electronic devices. Not a law, but still a good idea who’s time has definitely arrived.
5.) This is the 21st century. There are easier ways to be less mortified and still gratified, right?
6.) OK how about instant charges accruing to your phone from theirs for everything received after/before certain hours?
7.) Yes. Guys & some gals will lie to obtain sex, and have been doing so since recorded history. The gals will mostly lie and deceive themselves. And despite clear foreknowledge of this self delusion, suspect strongly that they’ll still enjoy the experience. Sometimes that proves to be the case, but not always.
8.) Despite all evidence to the contrary, it’s still a long shot to find ‘the one’ enjoying a drink in your corner bar every night/weekend.
9.) Booty IM’s/Calls have to more attractive sounding than ‘I’m lying here half naked’. Especially if it’s before work and you’re currently not in a relationship of some consequence or in the same room.
10.) Evidently, no one ever listens to friends, no matter how well they know you, or how wrong the situation seems to them & you. Especially when it comes to matters dealing with romance & sex.
Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’
You’ve got to not send any text messages to him or he will think that he can use you and ask you to do whatever, whenever, because that’s what he wants. And he can toy with your emotions and your feelings…Good Luck! And so sorry that you are having to deal with this!
Yeah, the cell phone companies need to get on the text blocking. Texting just makes it so easy to fall back into that pattern.
He sounds like a Grade A Jerk! And honey, as long you continue to text him (angry or not), you are leaving the door open! Of course, he was serious when he asked you over for a quicky! What better way to exert power over you and prove to himself that you he can have you at any time? He asked YOU to come to him (he has to put forth no effort) when you have very little time (he knew you had to go to work) so there wouldn’t be any extra time spent on things such as cuddling and talking! What man wouldn’t want that kind of treatment?
DO NOT ever text him again. You are giving him a little bit of satisfaction and power every time you do.
Oh dear…count me in on the list of supporters for breath alcohol meters on electronic devices.
The term “physical irresponsibility” is, however, pretty good.
A longtime friend of one of my male friends has returned to our fine state after the disintegration of a relationship. He came to 4th of July with his wonderful dogs, and hit on me shamelessly. The comment of one of my other guy friends: “I’d trust him with my dogs…but NOT with my sister.”
Good for you.
Guys like this certainly do wonders to perpetuate the stereotype of all guys being like this. Guys unlike him should hunt down guys like him and thank them repeatedly with an aluminum bat.
OMG WHAT AN ASSHOLE I HATE HIM.
Seriously? What an irresponsible, selfish low-life. My blood is boiling and I don’t even know you OR him! At least the men that haven’t loved me enough have generally had the decency to leave me the hell alone. Man, f-him! You’re way too good for that. Obviously.
You are so much alike, in that we both indulge occasionally in this really self-destructive behavior and yet are completely self-aware about it.
One thing that really struck me though: You being surrounded by friends, but ignoring them to text someone who is essentially emotionally abusing you. Might want to think about that one. Not good.
When I said “you are so much alike” I meant “you and I are so much alike” not “you and the selfish, low-life”. Eep!
That’s great! But I am with everyone else who thinks all this drunk texting business is really just a very bad idea. You’re not in college anymore and being drunk is not a very good excuse to let people hurt you.
p.p.p.s. I should have also extended my congratulations on not giving in to the booty IM. That must have been amazingly hard.
Charming -
We have all been there, making mistakes and letting men who are jerks back into our lives when we should have kicked them to the curb. The only way you will break this pattern is to refuse to have any contact with men who lie or who don’t love you enough to put your needs first. My rule of thumb was that if I would not contact an ex who was jerking me around unless I received a diagnosis of a terminal disease (I know it sounds really stupid, but it worked for me). Thankfully, I did not have any cause to contact them, and was able to get over my pattern of dating jerks. I needed to spend time by myself, to analyze the pattern of mistakes I had made in my life (staying in relationships with men who didn’t really care about me or my feelings). I spent a lot of time looking for the early warning signs from my jerk exes so that I could get rid of the new jerks I was meeting on new dates a lot sooner, before I became attached. And finally, it worked and I was able to break my pattern and only date good men.
Part of your pattern, I suspect, may involve you responding to the jerks in your life when you are feeling really vulnerable or are drunk. It sounds like you have a great support system of friends who genuinely care about you, and maybe you need to try to reach out to them and call them when you are feeling vulnerable.
Best of luck to you,
Jaclyn
YAY! for your decision to not message him! I am so with sane and single on this one. Any message that you send him (angry or not) will only stroke his ego. I think you should delete his number, change yours and/or block him from your IM. You should seriously cut that jerk out of your life… forever. I could not believe that after the crying fit, knowing how you feel and how he has hurt you, he STILL had the nerve to BOOTY IM YOU! Not only is he NOT a friend, He can’t even be a decent human being to you. It seems to me that he’s a terribly insecure person who’s out to prove that he still exerts this power over you. But You can always wipe the slate clean and start over. Don’t call/message/IM AND Dont allow him to call you either. The next time he messages you — even if it is a seemingly innocent message about the weather– please please please ignore it! do not even give him the satisfaction of a response. Just move forward and don’t look back. Very sorry for the preachy comment but I am just so effing angry at this guy! I am praying and crossing my fingers that you will get thru this soon. The sooner you get over this guy, the sooner you can make space for someone good to come along. Good luck charming! And take comfort in the fact that you have a hundred plus people all over the world who are rooting for you! PS. Whatever happened to that guy your colleague was supposed to set you up with?
Ugh, this sounds messy.
I’m going to agree with several other commenters and say the best thing to do is delete his number from your phone, block his IM, etc. so that even if you’re tempted to contact him, you can’t. You most definitely deserve better!
I did that when I needed to forget about someone. I repeated to myself all the bad things he did to me and how much I suffered from that. It helped to not text and not answer the phone.
I hope you feel better soon.
Charming,
I went through a very similar situation with an ex-boyfriend who would come for a friendly “visit” and end up in my bed. This happened over the course of two years. Even when he told me that he was seeing someone else, he still kept calling and was convinced that we could be friends. As much as I tried to believe that, I still got all swoony every time he called and could not accept the idea that we weren’t meant to be together. I couldn’t allow myself to consider anyone else because mr. ex was the yardstick that I measured everyone by. My friends finally were my wake-up call, and told me that I needed to tell him how I felt. I did and he did not feel the same way and so I cut off communication. That was the only way I knew how to work through it. It helped–I was able to see things much more rationally. We didn’t speak for almost a year, and then a mutual friend passed away and he called to tell me about it. Once again, I felt myself thrown for a loop. I have now realized that I can never be friends with him. I don’t know if it’s possible for a women who has had that vague kind of relationship with a man (between friends and more) to ever really be able to be friends with that man after the “more” is over.
Please don’t take this as preaching. I just wanted you to know that I have been there, and this is what helped me.
Change your cell number, email, IM addresses — everything. Burn his from your memory.
Charming… I’m so with you girl! I’m there right now writing stupid emails when I shouldn’t be..texting and leaving voicemails. My situation is a little bit different but I’m with you. It’s unfortunate that we sometimes fall off the wagon and communicate when we should be letting go instead.
It’s really hard not to get caught up it but I guess we have to motivate each other not to make these mistakes of letting jerks into our lives.
I think it happens most when we don’t have something else to focus on and then our thoughts (whether they are good or bad thoughts) always go back to these guys when they dont deserve us thinking about them…and texting has made it SO easy to make these slip ups.
How dare he call you to come over to him for a booty call. JERK!
What I have centered on most right now is my friendships. My friends are the ones pulling me through the roughest time in my life and they’re always there for me…so you should focus on that and try to keep yourself from having another ocean of tears.
ugh, i hate men! they have this way of making things so complicated! Also, I think it might be a good idea to put breathalyzer on cells… no more drunk texts!
but dont worry… we all do it sometimes!
OH WOW…..Ok, he is BAD BAD NEWS. BE DONNNNNEEEEEE
You do deserve more, that much is clear. But make sure, too, that you don’t miss the fact that you wrote exactly that at the end of the post.
Recognition is, sometimes, more than half the battle…
Oh, I have so, so been there. But sometimes you really, really, really, really do have to cut that cord. And then not try to patch that cord back together for more abuse and fuckwittery on his part. The thing I have learned (and sadly am still learning the hard way) is that other people (aka, your exes) are NOT looking out for your best intetests or your feelings. They want what they want from you. If that something is not what you want, then you have to run, not walk, away.
I know it’s hard bc silence is so much less …interesting? action packed? satisfying? than a reaction or communication of some sort, but if you maintain the silence I promise you the hurt feelings will eventually wane. If you dont, they wont.
I think you should give me your number. I’l send you much more appealing booty txt messages
“We are two flawed people, me content to pick at the scab and feel scorned, him content to allow me to vent if it means leaving the door to more physical irresponsibility open.”
Yeah…been there, done that. I think cell phones need a passcode that you only give to your best friend, they need to screen the msgs before they are allowed out. That would be awesome, as the sex-text is a fatal flaw I exploit the shit out of from time to time.
I just stumbled across your blog this past weekend and read ALL of it over the weekend, so I just wanted to pop in and tell you that you’re a fabulous writer, and I absolutely love your blog!
You Deserve Better!
Ouch ouch ouch. But good for you for being so strong and letting him go! Best wishes…
I wish I was as strong as you.
are you me?
Oh God, I just saw me through your words.
And here I am crying again.
Wow, totally agree with everyone. I dated a guy just like this, and every time he knows you’re thinking about him (by IM, txt, whatever), it feeds his ego. No wonder he comes to poke at you when you say you’re getting over it.
Added you to my blogroll.
Stay strong!
I don’t comment often here but after reading this I have to say one thing:
Take. His. Number. Out. Of. Your. Phone.
Good for you for letting him go. You deserve better.
Boy have I been this girl. There is hope! My favorite thing you said was this:
” I blame myself for most of my heartache – he was a factor, but in this case there is much truth to the statement that no one can take advantage of you unless you let them.”
Yessssss! How true!
Instead of your usual tissue-drenched self-regarding BS, why don’t you get one of your victims - this guy for instance, to blog his side of the story?
Man, what a total jerky guy. He’s everyone I’ve ever dated. The best thing is to just cut it out completely. Delete his number from the phone maybe so you are tempted?
The Most Wrong Man Ever?
Dude, I KNOW that guy!!
New reader here, but I followed the link back to your last post about this “Most Wrong Man Ever,” and I have to say that while you may not be 100% sure all the time that you deserve better, you were 100% right not to play back into his waiting hands.
This man appears to be a narcissistic ass, a breed I unfortunately know all too well. Chronic womanizers, liars, and unrepentant manipulators, these men have consciences that look like swiss cheese–riddled with holes. They’re full of sweet, smooth, even apologetic words when they want something–usually attention, sympathy, sex, or a combination thereof–but when you scrape off the suave veneer and take a hard look at the actions that underlie the words, it becomes clear that they don’t give a damn about anyone’s feelings but their own.
This is not a rejection of you, Charming. My guess is that no one will ever be “it” for this guy. He will always find a way to sabotage it because he probably isn’t capable of really loving anyone. However, he will ALWAYS crave attention, and the minute you let him think you’re slipping off the hook (for instance, by confiding that you’re “almost over the mortification”), he’ll rush to make sure you don’t swim away. The challenge of catching you again excites him, but once he has you on the line, it’s game over.
There’s only one way to handle men like this. Since they don’t respect your feelings–they really only care about their own desires–they won’t let you heal. They’ll keep coming back for as much as they can get away with for as long as you let them. So YOU need to be the one to put an end to it. This was a step in the right direction, but you need to stop contacting him, period. No texting, no IMing, no emailing, no calling. Nothing. At some point, he’ll probably reinitiate it, so, to be on the safe side, block him so that he can’t. This “No Contact,” or “NC,” approach is what women use with abusers, and this guy is being emotionally abusive.
You DO deserve better. In fact, everyone does. Nobody deserves to be jerked around by a cold-hearted lowlife like this. Good luck to you and please, please go NC with this SOB!
It’s shocking how much we let our ex’s get back into our text message (and booty call) graces! Good job sticking to your guns
Delete him! You deserve your freedom and the ability to look forward without the weight of an idiot clinging to your leg. You are better than this and deserve more than him.
Delete him. Block him. Change your sceen name. Change your e-mail. Whatever you need to do to keep him away. I’ve recently been in the same situation and crying at night over some guy who didn’t realize how amazing I was the first time around isn’t worth it at all.
He’s a douche.
Your amazing.
And get the Coach bag.
the last post i read here was that post about ur last meeting with Most Wrong Man Ever.
it reminds me so much of carrie and big (tht probs is not helpful lol)
im glad ur strong 2 resist. and blaming urself isss hard! give him some more of the blammme!
why is it that there seems to be so many men like this? All girls seem to want is a good relationship and guys like this - who knows what they really want.
you are a tough cookie. i like it.
Oh jesus, it’s like we’re twinsies. Having gone through this exact same thing about a year ago, I feel for ya.
This is me over the last 3 months, too. God, it sucks.
My biggest problem is that our relationship used to be amazing, & I feel like I grew up and had my first big girl relationship with him– but then things changed, and we broke up, & instead of letting it go we fell into the friends with benefits pattern… and I was using that as a means to pretend that he still loved me.
I finally cut him off 3 months ago, when he started dating again. I secretly prayed that this new girl would tragically break his heart and he’d come to his senses (he’s my backup plan, c’mon!).
Instead, he texted me last week. I spent days agonizing about the meaning of a, “Hey, wanted to see if you’re doing okay”. Finally, I came to the conclusion that either a) he’s an unfaithful man that I don’t want to be with, or b) I’m always going to be the other woman.
I cry too. All the time.