Charming, but single

I am out of words.

For all of the good advice and caring I’ve received this week, I am out of words.

For all of the moody music I’ve listened to, for the pint of ice cream I ate, for the mindless TV I’ve watched, I’m out of words.

I am not depressed or terribly sad or crying anymore. I’m not bitter or rage-filled. I am out of words.

So I’m sitting, curled up alone in this bed without my words to comfort me, thinking about myself, thanking the heavens for my kind friends.

Grand realizations and cathartic outbursts deserve a moment or two to sink in. So I am marinating in my past choices, pausing in this slight melancholy and planning my next step.

Note from CBS: Writing this was incredibly painful. And I debated posting it and turning comments off because I alternate between feeling completely broken and completely pathetic. It is ridiculously long (almost 1800 words) and I don’t even care.

Saturday was a ho-hum sort of day. I ran some errands and relaxed after a long week. A bit of rain in the afternoon was enough to send me nesting under blankets with bad television to keep me company. I’ve been working more than 12 hours each day – here’s to getting the job you always wanted, warts and all – and had neither the energy nor patience to deal with the outside world on Saturday night.

Late in the evening He sent me a text. He was out drinking and looking to misbehave after he left the bar. I decided some nighttime company would suit me just fine. I met him at the door in a red nightgown with thin pink straps, a glass of wine in one hand (for me) and a beer in the other (for him). He wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me in for a kiss.

“I can’t believe you met me at the door with a beer.”

“You said you wanted to keep me company. So let’s have a drink.”

We curled up on the couch, and he started talking about putting the house he and his ex bought together on the market, telling me I should go check it out. I protested since his ex is the agent and he recanted, saying that she would know it was me and it wouldn’t be good.

“She knew I was dating a [Charming],” he said.

“She knew about me?”

“Yes, back when we originally dated she knew about you.”

“I didn’t know about her.”

He paused, realizing that I was one of the women in his harem who hadn’t known I was just one of many. I could see the wheels turning in his head as I questioned him and moved my body away from his, until I was tucked in right next to the arm of the couch, as far from him as I could be on this piece of furniture.

“This all is just such a [Charming] thing to say,” he said when I asked him about dumping me by not calling a few weeks before he knew I was having surgery.

“What does that mean?”

“You never stop thinking. It’s just so [Charming].”

He leaned toward me and wrapped an arm around my waist, pulling me out of a tight ball of legs and nightgown.

“I should hate you,” I protested, as my body unfolded under his.

“I know you should,” he said, pressing his chest on top of mine and burying his head in my neck. My mind was racing, debating if I should push him off of me or just relax, stop harboring feelings from two years ago and go along with the physical relationship we’d started anew. He knew I was grumpy and that bringing up the woman he dumped me for wasn’t the best move. Not having words to allay my grumpiness, he pulled out all of the stops otherwise until I was literally putty in his hands, short of breath and placated.

And then something happened.

We were in my bed and I was underneath him, asking for him to hold me. He slid his hands beneath my back and cupped his fingers around my shoulders. I could feel my face flush and the beginnings of tears fill my eyes, which I squeezed tight. But as the tears piled up and I could no longer keep them in, I reached up with my hands to wipe my face and shield my eyes from him.

“Don’t cover your face like that,” he said, pushing his chest up from mine to look down at me.

But I pressed my fingers hard against my eyelids.

“Look me in the eyes. Look at me,” he breathed. “You have such beautiful crystal blue eyes.”

I let out a breathy no and he clutched my wrists and pulled my hands from my face and down on either side of my head.

“Look at me,” he said. And then he paused. “Are you crying?”

That was all it took and my tears broke through the invisible dam and ran down my cheeks.

I stammered that I was fine and he seemed to pause in place, unsure of what to do.

“Please, I’ll be fine in a minute. Just stay with me like this.”

“Why are you crying?” he asked, calmly. “Am I hurting you?”

I continued to repeat over and over again that I was fine and that I didn’t know why I was crying. He said that I obviously wasn’t. I begged him to just ignore it, to keep going, to be with me. He obeyed at first, listening to my reasoning that I would calm down. But when I didn’t he protested that he was hurting me and he just couldn’t hurt me anymore.

“I’m not crying because I don’t want to be with you,” I said.

“You’re crying because you do,” he said, his voice soft and fading.

And I just buried my face in his chest and sobbed. And he rolled off of me and I turned away from him because I was sobbing. He pressed his body against my back and wrapped his arms around me and held me so I couldn’t pull away.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I can’t give you want you want.”

He must’ve repeated it a million times in my ear. It became his mantra as he rocked me and held me tightly. My responses were incoherent or inconsequential or both. Never have I felt so raw and vulnerable and pathetic and desperate and alone. I wasn’t just crying for him. I was crying for every man who ever left, who ever lied, who ever didn’t want me, who passed the time with me even though he didn’t care about me. I cried for the college girl who drank and kissed too much to cover her pain. I cried for the adult woman who couldn’t trust men.

I cried because I’m 28 and feel too old to be wasting time with the wrong man. I cried because I wanted it to mean something. And because it never had. And because I was scared to let it. I cried because I didn’t know how I’d ended up here and because all of my friends were right when they warned that this casual fling was a bad idea.

“I’m sorry you couldn’t handle this,” he said. “And I’m so sorry I hurt you.”

“I’m not some innocent victim here. I’m an adult and I knew I was doing.”

“But I’ve been in your shoes and I know the signs and I should have seen them.”

“I feel like even when we dated the first time, I always liked you more, always wanted to be with you more, always tried more,” I said.

And then. Oh, and then.

“Look, you’re intelligent and funny and I love your company and talking to you,” he said. “But, you know, you just weren’t it and I knew that all along.”

He stammered over the last part. And as much as it hurt to hear and as ashamed as I was, I finally got the break up speech he never bothered to deliver two years ago. And for better or for worse, I finally knew.

He held onto me for a little longer and continued apologizing and stroking my back. I was struck by how calm he was. He said he was upset and hurt and taken aback. And I’m sure he was – no matter how horrible he was to me, he didn’t deserve my mid-coitus emotional breakdown. He just never seemed to show it. He gave me this pained, pitiful look, which I’ve seen only once before, on the face of the only other guy whose face I ever cried to. Both faces bore the same, “Oh God, I made a woman cry” emotion. Neither reflected the pain that I’d expect to see from someone who made a woman they cared about cry.

We got dressed and as he was getting ready to leave, I sat on the back of my couch in my nightgown. He walked over to give me a hug and I pulled him in for a kiss.

“I don’t think this is a good idea.”

“Just one,” I pleaded.

And I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and tugged his hair with my fingers and pulled his body into mine. I could feel his body respond to me and his breath shorten. He pulled away twice but came back to kiss me.

The third time, he stopped me and told me no, that we weren’t doing this, that he wasn’t going to keep on hurting me.

“I’m going to disappear for awhile,” he said. “But I would like to be your friend.”

I bit my lip. And he grabbed my hands and pushed them to my sides and held them there so I couldn’t hold him. And he kissed me deeply and forcefully. And then he pulled away.

He couldn’t look me in the eye as he said, “If I don’t talk to you again, I hope you have a good life.”

And then he was gone. I collapsed on my bed in my cute red nightgown and pulled my knees into my chest and cried because I’d been willing to settle for a guy who I knew wasn’t right, who I would never introduce to my family and friends. Even he didn’t want me.

I felt alone and unloved. So I did what people who feel alone and unloved do: I cried some more. Until I was choking on my sobs. Until I couldn’t make any tears. Until I passed out from the exhaustion of being so vulnerable, so melodramatic, so emotional.

When I woke up Sunday morning, my eyes were almost completely swollen shut. I took a shower, put on a face masque to soothe my skin and warm tea bags over my swollen eyelids. As I washed my face and blew out my hair without any products or flat irons or round brushes, I stopped and stared in the mirror and my splotchy, swollen face. And I saw my big crystal blue eyes. I wondered who the next person who would gaze into those eyes under bedroom light would be.

As I shook my head, my unruly waves bounced and I decided that, for now, I just needed to worry about figuring out once and for all what was wrong behind those eyes.

Which of the following situations do you think is more frustrating:

Being unceremoniously dumped by someone and then constantly reminded that he treated you unkindly or being unceremoniously dumped by someone and being occasionally reminded that he possesses the ability to be sweet to you, yet chooses to harness this power sparingly?

Note: I will not pretend that this is as eloquent or full of sense as I’d hoped.

I have heard, once, twice, maybe a thousand times, in discussion of relations between men and women that we (the women) want you (the men) to read our minds. And it drives you crazy.

And you’re correct; sometimes we do want you to read our minds. And you’re not mind readers, or at least most of those of you I’ve met aren’t. But can you really blame us for wanting you to pick on some of the subtleties of our actions or the nuances of what we say?

Yes, straightforward communication is always best. Few people could argue with that. But I think there’s something to be said for a man who picks up on my cues and hints. Who knows when I’m upset, who understands why, who wants to fix it. Maybe women rely too much on intuition at times. Or maybe, at times, men don’t pay it enough mind. It is infinitely reassuring to be understood.

If you stand us up, even for good reason, for example. Maybe you got slammed at work or maybe you fell asleep or maybe you simply just forgot. None of these things makes you a bad person. But reacting as if nothing is wrong or as if we are irrationally upset when you offer meek assurances that it won’t happen again doesn’t soothe our hurt or disappointment.

You see, we don’t just listen to your words. We look at context and body language and intent and read between the lines, even when nothing is there. Even in my most successful moments, when I am most confident, I want to feel wanted. And if you’re not giving me those feelings, I’m looking for a reason why, because I always believe that there is one.

Yes, I may say I’m over it. Maybe I’m saying that for myself because I want to be over it. Maybe I’m saying it for you because I want you to believe it. What man wants a bumbling ball of emotion? (Or if he did, would admit to it?) I want to be someone you want – and you can call that weak if you want, but I think it is mostly just reality talking. (And I don’t think women feel this exclusively.) And I do want you to want me as a strong, independent woman with my own life. But sometimes, when my pride keeps me hiding behind that “strong” façade, I want you to look at me and realize that there is something unsaid in my eyes or my words or my movements. And, dear God, I just want you to respond without me having to ask you to – save me from begging for your attention or affection. Don’t make me ask. (All of the time at least.)

Speaking from my experience, emotions aren’t formulated only through words. They’re found in actions and inaction. In tone and demeanor. And text messaging and technology confuse things – who hasn’t received an e-mail and mistook the author’s mood by their words? When left without context clues, we oftentimes assume the worst.

There is a classic moment in “The Breakup” when Jennifer Anniston’s character yells at Vince Vaughn’s that she “want[s] him to want to do the dishes.” And maybe that sounds insane – as Vince Vaughn says, “Who wants to do dishes?” But the sentiment is clear – she needs actions and proof that he’s fully invested in their relationship, from the exciting parts to the mundane.

In my newly embraced spirit of semi openness, I am not ashamed to admit that I wouldn’t turn down a man who was a part time mind reader. Who heard what I was saying and listened to what I could mean. And not in the “I’m saying no, but mean yes” way. But in the “Yes, I am still annoyed with you and perhaps there is something you can do about” way. In the “I’ll humor you because I believe you are worth it” way. In the “I’ll let you save some face this time because you’ll return the favor next time way.”

A continuation of this post.

Plans are fun to make. But when you get the news that the time is quickly nearing and plans will come to fruition, I don’t think that your first reaction should be your stomach rumbling. Never a good sign.

So I’m going the honesty route with some confidants to gauge their reactions and hopefully snap myself back into reality.

“I’m thinking of revisiting a person from my past,” I told Best Friend Ever.

“Why would you do that when he wasn’t good enough the first time around?” she asked.

“Because, it’ll be fun. Just casual.”

“This is a truly bad idea,” she said.

“No, it isn’t. No feelings. Just a fun way to pass the time.”

“This is a trend with you.”

“A trend?”

“You say you’re never going to get hurt and you say you’re not going care and you do get hurt because you do care.”

I told her that I didn’t think it was necessarily a trend and she reiterated that it was a truly terrible idea to revisit the past, if only for a fleeting moment of enjoyment. And I began to list all of the positives in a kind of whiny voice – why wasn’t she giving me permission to make this mistake? Friends are so frustrating sometimes, I was thinking.

She interrupted my incoherent rambling and said, “Aren’t there any nice guys out there that you haven’t dated before?”

“No, I am done. I am tired of propping my chest up in uncomfortable bras, I’m tired of wearing blush and worrying about my hair and smiling when I’d rather scream and having terrible fake conversations with men because I can’t find the one that I actually want to talk to because it isn’t fun out there. It is hard. And people are MEAN. And right now I’m too busy and too stressed out to get out there and find a new, worthy guy, so I’m going to hang out with an old one in hopes that this motivates me to put myself out there again.”

“Well, that sounds like a truly terrible idea,” she said.